**NEW** Starting Chemo March 2009

MichelleinSJ

I'm skipping the reading for now because I'm too tired.  Tomorrow, I promise, I'll catch up!  Thanks for your kind thoughts and advice.  I've had a horrible week.  My daughter has been suffering from depression for awhile, and started taking Zoloft a couple months ago.  Since then she's gone farther and farther down hill, but I didn't think it was the Zoloft.  On Monday she tried to print something like a journal entry on my computer and it didn't print.  I fixed the printer later, and when I hooked it up to my computer her writing printed.  That's how I found out she's been cutting, overdosing on ibuprofen, and thinking about suicide.  Her therapist sent us straight to the psychiatric hospital, and now she's in an outpatient acute care program.  Instead of school, she'll go there five days a week, six hours a day, for the next few weeks.  Her 8th grade graduation is in a few weeks, and as of right now she's failing two classes (and she's a gifted program kid).  I'm trying to balance this so she can still go on her class trip and perform in the band concert, get her grades up, and yet make sure she's fully committed to this treatment.  I had a session there with her, the therapist and the psychiatrist, and I'm cautiously optimistic right now.  And she's off the Zoloft as of yesterday. 

I can't do anything about leaving my husband while my daughter is going through this.  I don't think anyone here can handle more stress.  My husband doesn't seem to get that I'm serious, so he's constantly complaining.  To add insult to injury, yesterday he sat on my computer by mistake and completely broke it.  Thank goodness for 18-month free financing at Best Buy.  I got this computer this afternoon.  I won't have Office until mid-week, though (my father sends me Office whenever I get a new computer), and I'm trying to apply for jobs.  I sent out a few resumes last week, but a bunch of fresh cover letters got trapped on my old computer yesterday.  Luckily it was all retrievable, just not printable right now.

As for the chemo, it's almost two weeks since my last treatment, and I'm still a bit tired.  Not doing nearly as well as I did after treatment #3.  I had my BRCA test on Monday.  I'm behind on everything.  I need to get a physical therapist (PS gave me referral), I need to do something about all the bills, I need to find out what's going on the with the radation oncologist, and I need to do a couple other things, but I can't think of them.  I read about radiation today.  It doesn't sound so easy.

Well, is that enough kvetching?  I wish I had better things to say.

Michelle

MichelleinSJ

Patti, next year hopefully we'll meet up at the walk!  I didn't go down the Art Museum steps.  I wanted to watch and take pictures, so I stood at the bottom.  Seeing the multitude of people who survive this makes me feel better. 

I did the Komen walk for several years, it had become a Mother's Day tradition.  But last year and the year before I was teaching Hebrew school on Sundays and couldn't go.  Another reason to be glad that job is gone (principal is a jerk).

Michelle

DonnaDio

Hi Dawn..  Wish I was done!Still have one round to go, just on day 5 of Tx#3! Hope you are doin ok as i know this jounrey is so up and down. 

Francine....how is it for you, now that your treatments are over? Do you feel real releif etc? Curious to how it will be. So many emotions we have all gone thru to get to the end and cannot imagine it all just goes away at once.

Have a good holiday weekend!!!

Donna

jdeking

(((((Michelle)))))) big giant humongous hugs your way! That is a lot to be going through right now, and my heart bleeds for you and your family! We are here for you should you need ANYTHING!

I hate to say it, but Zoloft is notorious for causing suicidal ideation in teens. I hope she will improve now that she is off the meds (it takes 3-4 weeks to completely exit the brain) and in therapy/programs. Gosh it is so hard to be a teenager in these times! I really feel for her. You must have been scared to death to read her writings.

I'm sorry H (won't call him DH) is being more burden than help, especially now. Do your best to ignore his complaints and keep going one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Soon things will get better, and just like chemo, you'll look back and realize this is all a memory.

Please let me know if you need anything. My thoughts are with you, and I will send you strength!

DonnaDio

Michelle...My heart goes out to you and good thing you found out all of this as you did and on a timely basis. I use to work and mentor some teens that had a host of issues and cutting was a common thread for many. Professional help will make help alot. Thank goodness she has a great Mom like you for this jounrey!

Be well!

Donna

Dawnmrn1

Michelle!  My heart goes out to you!  I have an 8th grade girl, who is up and down, too into boys, and not enough into school!  Your DD is lucky to have you and you are to be commended on doing something for her!!!! It must be so hard! You are in my thoughts and prayers!  Dawn

marshall2000

MichelleinSJ

Honey: My heart is with you and just know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. I also had a very difficult time with my son when he was that age, still do actually, but with some counseling and the right medication life can return to being enjoyable for her. A good counselor will be the best thing for her, and the opportunity to interact with peers of her own age who are going through some very lifechanging events will reduce her sense of aloneness, remember our dx is hard on our family, especially children of that age, she isn't a child anymore, but not quite an adult either, perhaps she just needs a little extra help right now. I am sending peaceful thoughts your way, (except for the fact that i think you you should smash someting of your husbands just for pure spitefulness)  xxxooo Michelle

PattiB

Michelle - Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family .  Good you were able to find this out to help your daughter.  I will be thinking of you often. 

Janet0527

Michelle - When it rains it pours.  You're right that you need to set aside making any changes with your marriage until your daughter is in a better place, but stay strong and know that everything will resolve itself in time.  There's nothing like getting diagnosed with cancer to make us want to fix everything that seems wrong with our lives, but for now, concentrate on your daughter, and on getting through your treatment.  Before you know it, this will be behind you and you will be able to move on to the question of your marriage.  I hope that getting off the Zoloft is a good first step for your daughter.  I can't imagine how terrified you must have been to read her words, but how fortunate that you discovered it and that you can now take action to get her the help that she needs.  My thoughts are with you both.

On a much more trivial note, I'm having crazy skin peeling and not healing on my feet, starting in the last few days.  I ballroom and salsa dance, so my feet take a beating, but generally I get calluses.  Now, no calluses - just peeling skin and blisters that won't heal.  I've started using a combination of band-aids and moleskin when I need to be in dance shoes, but I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better, which SUCKS.  Fatigue, baldness, wacky taste buds, whatever - fine, but don't mess with my feet!!!!!  Is anyone having this type of problem?  It may be from Avastin, which is part of the trial I am on and is known to cause issues with healing, but I don't know yet if I'm getting it (the trial is blind until after the last dose that would include the trial drug).

I hope everyone is enjoying this long weekend.  I am sooooooo happy not to have to go in to work tomorrow.

ChrisC433

Michelle,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.  My son went through a rough patch when he and his girlfriend broke up.  Time was the healer there.  Stay strong.  I'm sure your daughter has a lot to deal with right now and therapy will help her through that process.  Having a loving Mom like yourself will give her strength. 

Hope everyone out there is as SE free as possible.  Number 2 Taxol was a bit rough.  Treatment went fine.  Bone and muscle pain worse.  My feet hurt.  Not so much tingling and numbness, just hurt...like on fire!  Not sure if this is beginning of neuropathy or not???  Taking percocet for pain seems to help

Hugs to all out there.  As we get farther into or closer to the end of TX it seems we get a little agitated!!  Sick of all of this and ready for it to be over.  We are nearing the end ladies....hang in there!

Chris

buddy1

Michelle.. I am so glad that you came here to vent.  Its good to get it off your chest.  We are here to listen. 

I hope everyone  is enjoying their weekend.  I get to go tomorrow for a lymphedema glove and gauntlet.  My hand has been swollen double size since this started.  I do have the sleeves.  It gets sore the bigger it gets.  Chemo is Wed.  yeah!!!!!

Donna.  you are tuffer than I am.  103 fever.  Man  thats rough.  Fevers make you feel so bad.

My folks came up from KY to see me before I start chemo again.  It was great.  They are old and the drive is hard on them.  They worry about me.  I dont get to see them much.  We went out to eat. and a lady came walking up to me in the rest. and just wanted to hug me and say good luck.  There are so many kind people in this world. Love Buddy

MichelleinSJ

Thank you all.  Outside of immediate family, you're the only ones I've told.  I don't want anyone to know, they'd judge her and she doesn't need that.  Right now I'm cautiously optimistic that she'll be okay.  Yesterday we talked about summer plans, and she seemed pretty excited about everything.

I hope you all have a great Memorial Day!  Even if it's not your Memorial Day ... then have a great day.

pickle

MichelleinSJ: So sorry to hear that you are struggling with family issues. I want to commend you for your quick action with your daughter. She is lucky to have such a caring and smart Mom. So often teenagers moods, feelings etc aren't taken seriously so good for you for stepping in for her.

As far as your spouse goes....we are all in such an emotional turmoil right now that it is probably not the best time to make any concrete decisions on what the future holds for your relationship with him....especially in light of your daughter's struggles right now. I think my husband (as wonderful as he is) is struggling with what to say and doesn't express his own feelings a lot right now. I think he is scared and uncertain but doesn't talk about it because he feels he needs  to keep everything positive, He goes to work everyday and comes home to a wife who has been alone all day and I am exhausted, somewhat cranky and stressed about moving (we are moving June 24) He tries his best....but I think I expect more although I can't really figure out what "more" is right now. I expect him to be a mindreader I guess and figure me out!

Maybe once you get through this difficult time with your daughter and your treatment you will see things differently. I mean a person can only deal with so much at one time and you and your daughter need to be a priority right now. Perhaps when theses stresses get resolved you and your hubby can get away or try some counselling. I've been married for 26 years and it has not always been easy that's for sure. About 5 years ago we went away to a cabin for 4 days. Our kids were grown and I just didn't see spending my life with him. I really felt that we didn't have anything in common anymore and I wasn't sure I wanted to stay together. The cabin had no phone, no television. no distractions....time to get down to business. All we had was notebooks, food and wine. I called it our Lifecheck Weekend. We spent everday at the river with our notebooks talking, sipping wine and wrirtng down everything that we individually wanted out of life(our goals)  Everything from Spiritual, Financial, Travel, Interests etc, and what we wanted from each other emotionally. I really didn't think we would have anything in common on our lists. It was amazing. We got so much out in the open. Yes, we argued, blamed each other for some things but once we got that all out...we were on a roll. I was shocked at how similar our lists were. That's when I started to get excited and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then we reviewed everything and came up with a game plan for the year and set some goals. We also made a 5 year plan and vowed to do this again every year. .....have a lifecheck weekend and see how we were progressing toward the 5 year plan. Honestly, we have done it every year since and it still amazes me how much we have accomplished together. It is exciting to go each year and be able to check off the things we've done. What doesn't get checked off is reworked into the new plan. It is so easy to get off track because everyday life can derail things pretty quickly but this plan has really helped us stay focused. I know this is not for everyone and only you know what is salvageable but what I perceived to be "our last ditch effort" has turned out to be a great life experience for both of us. Not perfect but certainly a long way from where we were. I am so glad that we both made the effort and it has really paid off.

I wish you well and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your family once all this turmoil is over with.

Cancer sucks and it leaves us so raw and vulnerable but it will all be behind you soon.

Fondest Regards,

Beth P

After the Rain....watch for the rainbow!

Alyad

MichelleinSJ- everyone has already said so much, but I wanted to say that I am thinking about you and what youare going through with your family as well. you have SO much on your plate right now and it sounds like you are handling it as best as anyone could hope. I am so glad you are getting your daughter help. I have struggled with depression most of my life, I didn't get any sort of help/treatment until I was in my late 20's. Now I feel like I have all of this learned behavoir/ poor coping mechanisms that - even tho I am on medication and feel a lot more positive about my life- I am somewhat withdrawn and procrastinate dealing with things and it seems to keep biting me in the ass. I wish my parents has seen how much I was hurting and got me help back then.

 Pickle- thank you for sharing your story about how your marriage turned around, and how you revisit your goals each year. What a great piece of advice for anyone. I am newly married- just going on a year next weekend. We'll celebrate our anniversary by making it through round 5 of chemo three days before. Ugh. My husband has been totally wonderful through everything, but there are times where I need to vent frustration and he just doesn't know what to say, but at least he knows he can't fix it and is willing to just listen. He got laid off from his job right after my surgery, luckily our insurance and most of our income is through my job, so it has been a blessing in a way- he's been home to take care of me the whole time, and we have become a lot closer as he's been my my side every step of the way.

pickle

Alyad: One year coming up...Congratulations. I think we all need to vent sometimes and the guys don't know what to say,,,,sometimes I think it wouldn't matter what they say it would still be wrong....lol. Poor guys have to be mind readers. Glad you have a wonderful supoortive husband. The first few years of marriage come with enough challenges let alone BC on top of it. Cheers to you and your hubby for getting closer and getting through it all. Your lucky to have each other.

Good point you made to Michelle. Having parents see it and acknowledge can make all the difference. I also wish I had parents like Michelle who could have seen how much I was hurting and taken action.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My brother died of leukemia at 10 years old and the whole family fell apart. I was the youngest of 5 and the only girl. My mother fell into a big depression and became addicted to prescription meds for many many years. Overdosed twice. Whenever I brought up any isuue, I was always told I was being dramatic or it was just my imagination. No one ever recognized/acknowledged that their stressful house was causing me lots of problems. I think if my parents had of taken it seriously or at least acknowledged my feelings I would have faired much better. Instead I ended up in therapy/medication when I was 30. Best thing that ever happened to me.

I do feel that I am slipping into a funk again but it probably has a lot to do with the stress and uncertainty of BC and more change to my life with moving. Although I am relieved we will be back in the same city as our kids. My onco has ordered effexor for me to help with hot flashes (and mood). I just can't take them until I'm done treatment as it interacts with one of my anti-nausea drugs. I had been on effexor years ago and found it to really help.

I am babbling on and on....sorry!

Dawnmrn1

pickle!  What a great story!  I'm happy to hear that people work together to save a marriage! My first marriage which was wrong from the start, and my first husband did not want to save was doomed.My second marriage which is currently in progress,after 20 years, is fairly healthy, we both want the same things and are willing to work at it, it is not always easy, but we need one another, so on we go!

Michelle! Take things one day at a time, your daughter and your Tx are most important right now!  Good Luck!   Dawn

MichelleinSJ

Wow Beth!  That's awesome how you and your husband worked it out.  That's the kind of relationship I'd like to have someday ... with someone else!  Sigh.  Until I get my daughter to a better place and hopefully get a job, nothing is going to happen to the marriage.  It's not easy.  He's desperately trying to hang on, so he alternates between clinging to me and being miserable, telling me everything is my fault.  It's making things even worse.

Dayla, happy anniversary to you!  That's exciting, the first one.  Celebrate it when you feel better.  I always change dates of special events to suit my schedule.  One year I changed Chanukah, because it was set to start on my little guy's birthday.  I moved the entire holiday forward a week.

Michelle

ccbaby

Well, I go in for treatment #4 of TCH tomorrow at 8 am. I am sure I will be there all day again like usual.  8:00 labs, 9:00 onco visit ( I always ask A LOT of questions, so it takes a good hour). Then onto flushing of the port and hooking up the IV line and then pre-meds for 2 hours (so I won't get an allergic reaction to the tax like the first 2 times), then chemo/Herceptin for the next 4 hours. I usually get done at around 4:30-5:00. Makes for a VERY long day... I mainly just watch tv, read a couple of magazines, eat a packed lunch, eat the snacks provided there, drink LOTS of water and use the restroom every 20 minutes or so.  Tomorrow I am going to start a journal of my total cancer experience from the day I found the lump, or rather, my husband found the lump.  My hubby is with me most of the whole time during my treatments, sometimes he runs a couple of errands. Last time, he brought one of those camping chairs with a recliner from home and slept!

pickle

ccbaby: Good luck tomorrow. Sending good vibes your way for an uneventful treatment.

Best wishes

Beth

DonnaDio

ccbaby...good thoughts goin for you. Doin a cancer journal is a good idea.  I have one since i was daignosed and it has been interesting to go back and see how i was prior to my surgery and all the emotions that has come and gone. IT is a journey that is life changing and see that in reading the past pages! Be well.

Pickle... You are an inspiration ! Good for you and all that you have gone thru and have a fighting spirit as you do.

TX 3 is goin on day 6, and still feeling weak and tired. Trying to get goin more and more each day and not focus on it all. I wonder if TX4 will be as hard?! Staying focused and doin the best I can.

Good thoughts to all goin thru TX!Buddy...WED. is YOUR day and here for you.

Donna

jdeking

ccbaby - good luck with treatment today, I hope it goes well!

buddy - good luck Wed, and welcome back to the chemo train. You're now that much closer to being done!

Michelle - glad to hear that your daughter seems to be doing better! I hope she continues to improve. Sometimes just having those dark thoughts and feelings out in the open and off of their chest is the best therapy! She is probably relieved not to feel isolated anymore!

 I just became an Aunt - the first baby in our family in nearly 33 years! I am super excited, and will try to go see my niece today if possible. It makes getting through this treatment and getting back to normal life even more important!

 Hope all of you have a great day after a beautiful long weekend!

buddy1

Donna.. Its a good day to stay in bed with the doggy's and watch T.V.

jdeking... Congrats.on being an Aunt.  Nothing is sweeter than a baby.  Have fun spoiling her.  What is her name. 

MichelleinSJ

Good luck today, Christy!  I hope it goes smoothly.

Jeannette!  (I spelled that wrong).  Congratulations on becoming an aunt!  How wonderful to have a sweet baby to hold and love.

Donna, I hope the chemo strangle hold lessens its grip today, and you can get a little back to normal.

Michelle

pickle

Roll Call: We haven't heard from a lot of the regulars on here for a while. I hope that means that they are enjoying nice weather, family etc and not dealing with SE's.. Arnie, BethR, Bwbly(Bunny), Chick 717, Crusader, DidleDiane, Gymmom, GinaGina, Luv2 ding, MaidMarion, KIm40, Kimmom, Mom_of_boys, Nashryne, NYDeb, Sakura.....and everyone else.....wishing you all good vibes.

Thinking of all of you.

 Send a post when you have a chance.

Anonymous

As always, I have been reading daily, just not posting.  I've been doing this chemo drama for almost 3 months now.  It is getting mundane, treatment...crap for 6 days...back to work...feel good for two weeks.....catch up around the house...start all over.  Only 2 more to go, can't wait !!

My heart goes out to Michelle for all she is enduring.  Anyone that has ever been a teenager or had the pleasure ( sometimes displeasure) of raising one can empathize.  It is a tumultuous time of life.   I have a 20 year old that still gives me gray hairs ( well, not now).

I'm sure that problems between you and your husband just exacerbate things. It must be difficult to keep on the same page.  I've been married for 27 years.  My DH and I have always been a team when it came to the kids ( drove them crazy).  Frankly, we are a team in almost everything.  He‘s my best friend, best lover, soul mate.  I know that sounds sappy.  We never take it for granted, especially now. 

Pickle,  I loved your story of reinventing your marriage.  It's a hard transition when your kids are grown and gone.  That part of your life that has bound us together disappears.  My DH and I did so much with our kids growing up, but were really looking forward to turning the page and opening a new chapter titled "Empty Nesters".  I suppose God needed to inject a chapter, " BC and Me".

I hope everyone was able to enjoy the beautiful Memorial Day weekend with few SE's.  You all inspire me.

I especially have enjoyed all those unbelievable Yankees games over the last few weeks!!

bwbly

I'm doing well. Just depressed, I think .... in spite of anti-depressants.

Fatigue has arrived. Still working, so too tired to get on puter when I get home. This is my last week at work (I'll be on short-term disability til done with chemo), so hopefully things will be a little better and I'll have more time.

Tx moved this week to Wednesday due to holiday. Then 2 more Taxol/Herceptin. Then on to AC.

I'm sooooooooo ready to be done.

bwbly

oh ..... forgot ..... speaking of marriages and anniversaries .... ours is on the 29th, 24 years.

7timewinner

NYDeb48:

I am with you about the "chemo drama". This past Tx last Thursday was especially difficult for me, but only in an emotional way, not because of new or difficult SEs. I am also just 2 TC's away from finishing, and it is wearing me down.

Like Reeney, I want to feel like myself again!

Part of it might be biochemical, because it takes me a full week to recover from the steroid effects. Five days later, and I am "crashing" hard from the Decadron. Crabby, unfocused, apathetic, and a little depressed. I know from past Txs that it will all pass, but this time felt a little harder for some reason.

And then I think about everyone here who is going through something else stressful in their lives in addition to the BC treatment. I for one am just making it when it comes to paying my co-pays and other bills, and now my poor dog was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the surgery is so expensive...will need to tap into my retirement funds to make that happen for her. She is only 7 and otherwise healthy. I feel like she, like me, deserves another chance

Sorry...just my turn to vent a bit, I guess. It all adds up after awhile, no matter how hard we fight to stay positive.

But it'll pass, I know. And the light is shining at the end of the tunnel now

Cheers,

Nadine

gymmom8

Beth - thanks for thinking of me in your roll call. 

I have been busy with tx's and the kids.  Since I don't have as much down time between treatments, (dose dense) I have been trying to fit everything in that two week period.  Of course the first 5-6 days are SE filled.  I had tx#6 last tues (taxol #2) and am recovering more slowly this time.  The body aches and pains lasted much longer.  Day 4 was really tough.  My legs were in so much pain I wasn't sure what to do.  Today is finally better and it's already day 8. 

I am gearing up for this weekend to help my 12 yr old with the Relay for Life walk at the high school.  She has raised over $2,000.00 for cancer research.  She has been asked to read an inspirational letter that she wrote and documented on the website for the walk.  I didn't even know about the letter until I happened across it a week or so ago.  They set out luminaria's for those currently going thru treatment, those who are survivors and for those that didn't win their fight.  During that ceremony, she will read her letter and I am sure I will cry. 

I forgot to let you all know how she did at her regional gymnastics competition.  She finished 9th on the balance beam and 11th on the floor.  This was out of 48 girls from 6 states.  She was very excited and I am very proud of her. 

I am way behind on the posts so I will now catch up and post to all later.

Cyndi (gymmom8)

chick717

Hey Chick's still here...Work was awful for a couple of weeks, but settling back into just busy now.  

I began radiation last Tuesday - 5 down, 30 to go.  My rad onc said that I am in the "honeymoon phase" - where it is so much better than chemo that I don't even complain about the incovenience of driving over there every single weekday.  No noticeable SEs ...maybe I'm a little tired, but hard to tell because I sort of forgot what normal felt like.  If anything, it could be helping me sleep a little better.  The chemopause hot flashes were keeping me awake, but those have waned.  

4 1/2 weeks out from last chemo and STILL no darned stubble on my head.  My legs, however, grow hair about like they did before this all started.  Isn't that ironic?