Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?

Anneb1149

That's a tough one for me right now, Chevy. I have always been a "do it myself" on anything I could. Now between the lymphedema and the sciatica, I can't lift much more than a dinner plate. Thank God for my grandson that lives with me - he is almost 15 and never complains when I ask for help. The problem is I keep forgetting to ask, and/or I feel silly, like when I have to do laundry. I did laundry for 7 forever- now I can't manage carrying one hamper to the machine and back? But, I am learning the hard way- if I don't ask, I hurt.

I had my first physical therapy today. All stretches, most of which I handled pretty well. After the last exercise, I laid on my stomach and she massaged my lower back. Most of it was wonderful and I could have stayed there forever, but when she pressed on the area where the most pain is- WOW! That hurt. But afterwards she put an ice pack on me for about 15 minutes.

For the first time in a very long time, I got a bunch of things done yesterday. I emptied the dishwasher, folded my laundry and a bunch of other little things like that. It felt so good to take care of myself a little again. Today, I was out much of the day, at therapy, then I had to take money out of one bank and put it in another so I could pay my credit card bill from the graduation trip.

My grandson, as you know, will be starting college in a few weeks. He has received $13,000 in scholarships. Then he took out a student loan of $3000 (I think) and his parents took out a $12,000. loan. As far as I can figure, that is $28,000. But he still needs another $4000 for the meal plan- which my daughter was hinting that she will be asking metro pay. Just a few nights ago, we talked about my finances, and how expensive the kitchen and garage was, and how I could not take any more out of my IRA this year without paying big penalties, and there just isn't much left to take out. She was all agreeable and understanding. Last night, the big credit card bill from the graduation was suddenly money that Dad would have spent, just to see the whole family together, and he made sure the money was there for the "family." First off, Dad would never have paid for my youngest daughter and her three kids to fly up, as well as buying them clothes for the trip, and paying for food and movies, laser tag, etc. And secondly, that money was left to me, not "the family", which she kind of said, with the add on of "Dad would be so happy to see you enjoying the money." Again, no- he groused about every penny ever spent, and as crazy as I am about my grandson, I really don't see how paying for 3 meals a day for him adds anything to my quality of life. Of course, I don't want to see him starve, but what were they thinking when they took out the student loAns. And, they've known he was college bound from the time he was 3 and never planned a penny for it. I've already lent them over $5000 this year alone, part of which they are "paying back" by reducing the money I give them each month towards the cable bill. So I am essentially paying myself back. Plus I pay $400/mo for the car I bought there so I wouldn't be stuck at home all day up there, which my daughter uses daily when I'm not there.

I know that I have had a big part in creating this situation, but I also know I cannot continue to be her savings acct. I have lent them more money this year alonethan all the other kids combined and doubled since my DH passed away. Time to cut the apron strings- she's in her mid 40's.

Sounds good - just pray I can carry through.

RAnt over,

Anne

duckyb1

Well I can' t get to the back of my front. loader with my "T-Rex length arms"........I almost have to get inside the damn thing, same for the dryer.......

ChiSandy

We have a pair of LG front-loaders on pedestals, and they seem to be doing well. We had a top-loading Maytag pair for 20 yrs, then replaced it with a Whirlpool top-loading pair that barely made it to five (just out-of-warranty) and had to be repaired twice.

IllinoisLady

Anne, sure sounds like you are having some success with your back/sciatica issues and wow am I glad for you. I'm sure I mentioned that my high pain tolerance does not seem to include back pains. So, I do feel for your situation. I don't know but in my quotes it always indicates there is a reason for everything even if we don't figure it out. Maybe your reason for the "back" was so that you actually stop being the do all, be all person.

That might/would maybe also count for being the savings account and the one most counted on to dole out funds. I do think ( no matter how good an idea and how much it should happen ) that it is difficult sometimes when we are working ( ahem maybe being slightly used by ) with our children. The only thing that saved me was living far away from my children. After enough time had passed I realized that often they thought of me as a fixer for their issues. I also realized that for a length of time while I lived by my mom and dad --- that I often looked to them --- not so much for monetary help as thinking they would have the best solution for me. Sometimes they did help me with a couple of special items --- but the idea here is that when parents are around it is convenient to not only maybe ask for money but drag then into the arena for solutions as well. We want them to stand on their own feet, but we just aren't sometimes great about expecting it enough to insist that they do.

Hats off to anyone who has done that successfully. I do think there are times when maybe a parent should help out a bit. I also think discussing problems sometimes for solutions is okay too -- as long as it is the exception and not the rule because confidence is doing what you need to do on your own from start to finish.

You are a good mother Anne. I bet you will do fine with this.

bonnets

Hi Annie, Glad something helped the back! I never had back problems until about 2 months ago. Feel like I'm 95 after i get up from a chair or out of bed, Same thing with walking very far, more a stiff feeling than a pain. Lambert has had back trouble for years , now I know what he lives with. HAte to take too much celebrex, but it does help. Like they say, Getting old is such fun!

Wren44

Anne, Miss Manners once gave instructions on saying no. "No, I'm afraid that's just impossible." Don't offer reasons or excuses. It certainly sounds like a good line in this situation. Perhaps they could pay for his meal ticket in installments. They should be creative, not you. Good luck.

MinusTwo

Great answer Wrenn. It would be hard not to give reasons & excuses, but this really is the perfect answer.

Anneb1149

Wren, that is a great answer. I have already gone over all the reasons I can't do it with her- maybe I should have said that first- but I sure can use it now when she asks again (or officially). The last call was to kind of to give me notice she would be asking. It reminds me off Supernanny, where she tells you to say "good night, sweetie, I love you" and when the child gets out of bed, you just say "bedtime" and after that, when they come out, you say nothing, just keep leading them back to bed. I've lent her money, explained that I cant do it this time, now I can say, "I'm sorry, it's just not possible". I will continue to help with small amounts as I can (groceries while I'm there, a pair of shoes for one of the boys, but BankMom is shutting down.

I feel bad letting it go on for so long, but even my DH had a hard time refusing her. I don't understand how the other four manage their financial lives without needing loans from us, and they can't. I guess it's a case of bad money management, because the two of them both have decent full time jobs. They're not using it on healthy food- Nancy can but does not cook during the week- she's too tired, so they live on frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, anything that can be cooked in a microwave. Like I said yesterday, both their vehicles are over 20 years old. Yet, she wants to replace her Suburban with another one, even though she is in it alone or with one of those he boys 99% of the time. It gets very low mpg because it is so large. And he would like another jeep, but this time with 4wheel drive so he could go "off road" exploring with it. And he also wants it to be vintage- no more than 5 yrs newer than what he has. He uses the car to get to work and back. They just don't seem to get it.

Heading to the airport in an hour to pick my son up. He drove his family home Fri and comes back today. We are very lucky- we have 2 simple routes to get there. One involves getting on a highway, which my son will probably use coming back, but the other is to leave our development at the north end, make a right, and drive about 20 minutes due east until you are on ramp to the airport.

HAve a great day, everyone

Anne

IllinoisLady

"Don't let people pull you into their storm. Pull them into your peace."

-- Kimberly Jones

Chevyboy

I know a few families where the "kids" or at least one of them feels "entitled" to their folks money, in one form or another..... Or they just don't assume responsibility for their own actions and wants.... They know their folks will come through when they need something.... It's gotta be hard to say "no".... that you "can't do it"..... And somehow help them to stand on their own 2 feet.

It was different when we were kids.... How our folks didn't HAVE anything, and when we got married, or about to, we were on our own.... Never had a "new" car.... or one that we had to finance.... Oh ONE time, we had to borrow a little money from my Grandma, to buy a '51 Chevy.... our only car... She charged us 1% interest, and we paid it off! We had all second-hand furniture when we got married.... even used my Mom's old wringer washer. We found out to never "charge" anything....

If you were raised with just the bare necessities, you think you are in heaven, when you can afford to BUY anything! My in-laws had us sign for furniture for them when we first got married... Of course they didn't pay for the stuff.... They came after us, the co-signers.... They FINALLY paid it off, with THEIR money, instead of wasting it on alcohol and more new stuff!

My Brother's Son is still wandering from one place to another, never being responsible for anything he does, nor any of his kids!!! It's hard to say no, but someone, somehow has to take responsibility for their own lives...... and we all learn from it.

duckyb1

Hi everyone....mammogram this morning.....its the one year thing, just surprised when they told me yesterday when I called to "pre-register, (hate waiting to be next to do the co-pay thing), so I do it over the phone with my credit card...so much easier then waiting to pay for it.....

However, the woman on the phone said "this is a routine diagnostic mammogram and an Ultrasound...I said "why an ultrasound"...she said "that is what the Dr. submitted.........the script was redone because "numb nuts" misplaced the one my Onc sent me home with 2 weeks ago......no clue what I did with it..won't be the first time I tossed something into the trash by mistake.....

So not sure why the ultrasound....I have not had one routinely ..ever....and I am 6 years out from my surgery...hope "stopping my letrozole has not come back to bite me in the ass".........ugh......

Hope you all are doing great.

As far as loaning money....have done it many times for my kids, but have always gotten every cent back...and as long as I had the means to do it, I did.....but like I always said to them......"if I say "yes I will loan you the money, that means I want every cent back..if I say "I will give you the money, you will never hear me ask for it"........and they knew that was the rule......I don't mind helping my kids.....but they know damn well what the word "Loan" means......and of course it all depends on what they need it for....there are always conditions....I know people say "you don't do things with strings attached"........I do...it better be a good reason why you need to borrow it, or the answer is "NO".......just saying.......and all of this.......is a lesson I learned from my mother........you loan, you want it back..........you give, you never mention it again........

Chevyboy

Don't you just dread that annual Mammogram? I know I do!

So Ducky.... You mean if I ask you for a million dollar loan, to maybe buy some shoes, that would be okay? Hah! Or even Watermelon and snacks? Those ARE necessities you know! And probably have that paid off within a year? Yes, pole-dancing is a pretty high-paying job....

That new washer is coming today... MAN, I hope it fits.... I'll measure the width AGAIN when they bring it... I don't think walls stretch too much...

duckyb1

Chevy, if I had a million dollars honey, you bet your ass I would give you a loan....LMAO.........even for Watermelon and snacks....

I tried the Pole dancing....the men took a collection for me to get off the pole........LOL

IllinoisLady

We can cultivate an inner solitude and silence that sets us free
from loneliness and fear. Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude
is inner fulfillment. Solitude is not first a place but a state of mind
and heart. There is a solitude of heart that can be maintained at
all times. Crowds or the lack of them have little to do with this inward
attentiveness. It is quite possible to be a desert hermit and never
experience solitude. But if we possess inward solitude we will not fear
being alone, for we know that we are not alone. Neither do we fear
being with others, for they do not control us. In the midst of noise
and confusion we are settled into a deep inner silence.

Teresa of Avila

Chevyboy

Chevyboy

IllinoisLady

You girls are way too funny. I guess though I can always say I know a couple of pole dancers. I don't think I have what it takes either. I did really enjoy dancing when I was a lot younger. I think I was just under being a little hyper. I ran most places I went or rode a bicycle at breakneck speed. Now I find I am not nearly as fast ( how could I be at almost 72 ) but I do know all my enthusiasm and energy are reserved for the morning hours. About 1:30 p.m. or so I start winding down. I can keep going for many hours yet, but it is minus the energy -- slower by far.

Hope your washer fits well Chevy. I do all right ( well usually ) on measurements for things like that --- even w/o actually measuring it by hand, but I have limited depth perception. I've been able to say many a time to Dh, I told you so, but when I mess up all those OTHER times pale in comparison. I pretty much quit doing it and now just go ahead and measure --- that way it saves me the negative emotions to being wrong. It is perfectly okay to be wrong and it is nice to be able to accept it.

It is just going to be great to have a machine that works perfectly w/o having to take strange measures to make it work. If we worked so poorly we'd get replaced, huh !!

Hope you all have a really fine day. Going to be 103 here today. Yikes -- August weather is here a couple of weeks early. It will be staying too.

duckyb1

When I was young I went to dances 4 nights a week.....that would explain why I was 99lbs......

Danced on American Bandstand back in the 50's....everyday after school....back then it came from Philly everyday at 3pm...I remember getting out of school at 2:30, and then at break neck speed would rush to the studio where it was televised from....those were the days....

Still love dancing even at the age of 82.....and can keep up with my grandkids (age 17 to 34).....but oh do I pay for it the next day...LOL...

Had the Mam 2 hours ago..just got back......got a clean bill....good till next year..they do 3D mammograms...was concerned since I took myself off the Letrozole...

Always hoping when they come in after checking your mammogram (which they do immediately so you know before you leave the building if the report is good).....and they say "ok your good, see you next year"......although at 82 you think....sure if something else doesn't get me first.....LO

bonnets

Ducky, watched American Bandstand every day! Probably saw you Hoping to get off the Anastrozol in Sept, and hope my arthritis gets better. Almost quit when I first went on the stuff, decided I wud suffer thru it. Always glad to hear mammos are negative, se we can breathe again!

Wren44

I watched American Bandstand too and wondered at how well they all danced. Two left feet here.

After our son left home, he called to say he needed a root canal and could he borrow money. We gave it to him. Sometime later he wanted to borrow money for a car and we said no. We told him a root canal is an unexpected emergency and a car you can plan for. I think we made the right decision.

When we move to a new place, I measure the house in inches and have cut outs of all the furniture, also measured in inches. DH will say it won't fit. If it fits on my plan it will fit in real life. Given that I suck at math, I may switch to measuring in centimeters. We had bottle baby kittens that had to be weighed constantly. I switch the scale to grams so I wasn't having to deal with fractions. Much easier to track.

Every clean mammo is great!

Chevyboy

Oh man! It all fit, and got connected, and even washed an imaginary load of clothes...Hah! What IS this, with not using very much water????? I peeked, and thought it must not be done filling..... Then I read the directions! So okay, it works good.... I'll wash clothes when I get at least 1/2 load....

Been soaking my compression stockings and "stuff" in a big plastic jug.... Got it at the dollar store.... I add a pod of soap or shampoo, let it soak, shake it like crazy, then let it sit all night.... Pour it all in the sink, and then wash & rinse that way.... I hang things like that on a clothes rack, or on the line....

I use the dryer, like for about 5-10 minutes, then take the clothes out, and finish drying on the rack or on the line.... I use it more in the Winter.

I used to love to dance too! The Senior Prom, Sock Hops, and I fell in love every time we slow danced...Hah! We always watch "So you think you can dance" And Dancing with the Stars.... Just don't know how they do it with those high-heels on! I think I could still dance, but only by myself, and with good music, in an empty room, holding on to a few things... Hah! I'll have to try it....

carolehalston

I watched American Bandstand, too. Ducky, do you have a picture of yourself back then?

Warrior2016

I loved American Bandstand! I watched it more in the 60's on TV - Mom would never let me go into the city alone. (Did that in high school when it was easier to get away.) I've been having a few bad days here - almost like after 9 months of chemo to surgery to PT and back to chemo and I have decided I can completely break down. I've pretty much cried for 3 days straight now but it sure helped to read about American Bandstand and Dick Clark. Love the memories this page brings up.

duckyb1

Celebrated my oldes son's 60th birthday tonight.......I can't believe he is 60....these are his granddaughters....Grayson is in the wheel chair, and her twin is on the far left....

IllinoisLady

See if I remember -- Justine Corelli and Bob Clayton. Not sure I have those names right but I think in my day those were the people to watch on American Bandstand. I never missed it either and became a pretty fair dancer. Quit dancing a few years ago. I still can feel a bit of a wistfulness when "good" music plays -- and I can still make a few moves. It's enough for me. I just think of all the people I knew then that are already gone. Not from Bandstand but the people I watched it and many other programs with for a long time. I'm grateful I'm still here and still have all of that tucked into memories that are great.

duckyb1

Justine and Bob were an Item, however they did not marry.........

carolehalston

Darling little girls, Ducky. And your son is a good-looking grandpa.

Warrior, hugs for you. I hope your depression lifts.

I went for a walk in the neighborhood and came home wet with perspiration.

Happy Thursday to everyone.

IllinoisLady

The world needs all of our power and love and energy, and each of us has something to give. The trick is to find it and use it, to find it and give it away, so there will always be more. We can be lights for each other, and through each other's illumination we will see the way. Each of us is a seed, a silent promise, and it is always spring. -Merle Shain

IllinoisLady

Going to be super hot today -- 104 and 105 tomorrow. Could be off a couple of degrees either way but I say -- once you get to 100 I'd just call it hot period. It will be interesting ( maybe ) to see just how long we are held to these high temps. As an aside -- we have needed a jacket ( but only once or twice in 20 yrs. ) on first night of Balloon Fest which is always the third week-end in August every yr. here.

Taking BB ( Baby Boss ) my old Pomeranian to the groomers today. Another lion cut is in store for him. The Poms have so much hair and are double-coated so if I do him early ( I did this yr. ) he needs two haircuts for the summer heat. He will look like there is nothing there with all the hair off of him but he will be much happier. Like a couple of my bigger cats who weigh as least as much as he ( 11 lbs. ) and one way more --- I sometimes find him laying on top of one of the floor registers for the cool air and often he lays in front of a fan.

Hope you all stay cool and have a wonderful day.

duckyb1

thanks Carole....he is a nice looking guy....I'm still trying to digest that he is 60.....I was a young Mom...I just turned 22 in April 1957, and he was born in July, 1957...I got married in May 1956....again just 21......you rarely hear of that today.........and I was a grandmother at 48.....LOL.....I just wish my husband had lived longer...he missed so much...only saw 9 of my 18 grandchildren.....but life does go on