I need a mentor

faithandfifty

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Happpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppy Day!!!!

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah!!!!!

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EWB

Held---praise all that is good!!!!!! Big sigh of relief, what a great way to start the weekend

Held

I am in need of some prayers for wisdom, PLEASE!!! Here is the deal:

My dd was 9 when is was dx.  She took on a lot because I was so sick.  She is now 11.  She is very serious and very tense.  She is a wonderful daughter and sister.  She is an excelent student and very responsible. 

The problems begin when she is a little bit grumpy.  All of a sudden the world has wronged her.  Nothing I say is right.   She is frustrated by every word that comes out of my mouth, and can be very disrespectful. She has hurt my feelings more than once by insulting my ability to do something. She can also be very harsh with her sister. I can almost feel the steam coming out of my ears she makes me so angry.  I don't want to be too hard on her because she is usually such a good kid and has been through sooooo much. 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

faithandfifty

((((((((((((((((((HELD)))))))))))))))))))))

You're on such a perilous journey.

Pre-adolesence. Growing up. Fear. Responsibility. Unfairness.

It's all wrapped up in one big challenge.

As the mother of two daughters I have some experience.

I made it thru the gauntlet and so will you.

I remember a friend telling me that she always looked at her teenage & preteen children as tho they had just landed from another planet -- that helped her at attempt to understand their various emotions, mood swings and acting out.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Does her school have any sort of guidance counselor/adult that she would feel 'safe' to vent some of her feelings??? I think that could be a big help -- if you had someone to act as back up.

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Held

She tells the school counselor that she is fine.  We also took her to a psychologist, and she refuses to go back.  We are going trying one other thing, but so far she is telling me she is not interested because she can just talk to the cats when she has a problem.  

After dinner she did tell me she was sorry for being grumpy with me. 

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saint

Hallelujah & AMEN!

BrendaSharon

Hello Held!

I've just joined here recently. August to be exact. Your thread caught my eye. I haven't been able to stop the tears. Sorry, But I just poked in BUT SO much was relavent, it is therapy for me just reading everyone's notes.  I haven't even begun my journey. Well one surgery (Lump) w/ what thought was 3 negitive nodes, but I have to go back again only two weeks later, because they found more when the pathology's tests came back. So, much for the negitive nodes.

All you girls are so wonderful & I'm sooooo Happy to see this,

 B9B9B9  congradulations!!!!!

EWB

Brenda- I sure wish I could make it all go away but I can't. I do offer hugs and a shoulder to lean on when you need it. You will find an amazing group of women here to help along the way, so come any time you need for questions, answers, hugs, rants, vents, tears, laughter (yes that will happen) and friendship. Take it one day at a time (or 15 minutes at a time), remember to breathe and hang on sweetie, you'll get thru this.

Elaine

Held

Welcome Brenda!  I am sorry you are having to go through this too.   Many hugs and prayers being sent your way. 

EWB

Held-  so sorry for all the angst with your dd; I am sure she has been overwhelmed with all that has gone on and when that is mixed with adolesence --- well, you know the results. Sounds like you've tried all the things people recommend... does she like to write? Maybe a very special secret place to write down all the stuff she's thinking and afraid off but can't say to anyone? You are both in my prayers, gentle hugs!

Anonymous

Held, what you are experiencing with your daughter is normal except that you are getting it a little earlier because of your dx and her having to had step up at an early age.  It's been a difficult journey for both of you.  BC does not only impact the person but the family as well. 

I haven't had to go there so I'm not sure but I think there are 2 other threads that may have information.  One would be the thread for friends and family and the other would be the thread where people post resources.  I wonder if somewhere in one of them there is information about support groups for children of BC patients.  Your daughter is angry manifested in her outbursts to you and her sister.  It's going to take extreme patience on your family to get through this.  Hang in there.

faithandfifty

Welcome Brenda & Patoo, too!!

We're a small little thread, approaching our first anniversary (did ya notice that, Held??)

I think there is great love & depth of caring here.

Elaine, that's a brilliant idea about some sort of journal/diary to vent thru. As an old art teacher I think it would be awesome to direct feelings thru a variety of art projects. I know our hospital had opportunities for the children to get together and "make stuff" -- under the supervision of a trained art therapist.

Just wanting you to know that I'm sending some happy energy your way, Held.

I'm glad that you have us to 'vent' -- fire away & let us know how it's going.

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saint

Hey & apologies for my last post! I think I skipped a page!!

Held---teen dd's--it all sounds normal to me even if bc had NEVER been part of the picture. I can still remember those raging hormones!!!!!

I agree that the "private writing" is a wonderful idea. My dd LOVES to write & I think it helps her stay sane.I would also suggest making some plans to do things with each of your kids alone. We have found it to be a real boost when they seem "off" & bc sure does affect the whole famn damily! 

Use this thread---we are here for you! hugs

be well & stay strong 

saint

Hugs Hope & welcome!

As a "cradle Catholic" I think the old church set us up for many disappointments. I have found my way thru my worst & will glad to give you my slant if you just ask........you have been on a rough road---go easy on yourself & keep posting!

Be well & stay strong 

EWB

journaling/art is great, but I think for children it really has to be PRIVATE, something that they really feel and believe is their's alone w/o worry that someone will be looking at it (unless they want). I feel that way and I'm the mom/ adult. Has to be some trust involved.

Best wishes to everyone.

Welcome to Hopefor30....some good conversation, questions and ponderings here.

Held

WOW!  It has been a year.  Happy birthday to our little thread.  Sorry I have not written in quite a while.  So much going on.  Does the drama ever end?  

I wish I could get my daughter to talk or journal or anything. I took her for another massage yesterday.  The woman who did the massage told me that she is so tight, she seems to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.  She describes it as a suit of armor.  

My dh is battling some demons of his own (and his actions are having a profound emotional effect one me).  Years ago he used to drink to much.  He becomes a very, very different person when he drinks.  He seems to become "manic".  I HATE, HATE, HATE is alternate personality!!!  It only takes ONE beer to turn him into this jerk!  For a very long time he hurt me physically when he drank, and as soon as that first sip passes his lips I become very aggitated, and all that emotional pain comes flying into the present.  He has not hurt me in years, but I still become aggitated.  My reactions to situations I don't like are magnified. The girls get caught in the cross-fire, and all they see is me over-reacting to things he does.  I friggin hate it!  I have recently been asked to consider if I really want to continue with this marriage.  But.... what God has put together....

My little one has regressed and is back to crying when it is time to separate from me.  It hurts my heart.  I put her back in therapy.............

The icing on this month's cake is .... dx of Lyme disease!  Yippy!

Ugh!  Is it me or does God have a way of really piling it on....   As you can see my entire family is in need of mounds of prayers.  I am afraid to pray.

faithandfifty

Oh sweet, dear Held.

My heart is pouring out to you. 

Today our message in church was entitled "Marriage Matters." A week from today our youngest daughter will be walking over the bridge. (Literally over a bridge to a gazebo. LOL) 

OK. In a year I seriously can't remember what I've told you about my first marriage. He was an ordained pastor. We were married before he started seminary. A year after our wedding he was diagnosed as a diabetic. He never felt the need to go to the doctor for this condition. His blood sugar would dip and dive and he'd be a raving lunatic. 

I feared for our lives at times, because he was insist on driving & then we'd be swerving all over the road -- till I could somehow get him to eat. More than once we were saved by the sheer willpower of my angel committee. 

I seriously know what you're speaking about -- the person who is 'out of control.' 

Long story short he then deteriorated into immoral behavior & ultimately was fired from the church he was serving. Our daughters were in 1st & 2nd grade when things snow-balled into the soap opera of the capitol city. 

Fast forward. The girls are 24 & nearly 26. How I wish I had been braver & "left" him sooner. I too had all of the upbringing of promising before God and meaning that with my whole heart. 

I had the great good fortune of having several clergy members who URGED me to 'get out' with my life and my daughters. One literally shook me by the shoulders and implored me to use my intellect saying, "God does not intend for you to subject your children to this kind of behavior." 

I found a condo I could afford on my own and left. Broken, humiliated and simultaneously THRILLED to have a key to a door that I could lock. 

I don't mean to sound mellow-dramatic, but reading this post of yours takes me right back there, too. He has been dead and buried for nearly four years and there are still times when I hear a sudden sound and my heart drops. 

We are all 3 of us scarred from his outbursts. If there is one 'do-over' that I would be granted it would have been to have summoned the strength to leave the situation sooner. 

Enough about me. 

Have you gone to the support group thru Alanon -- that's for the family? My brain just can't think what it's called. Find a chapter and fly into their arms. 

I should have probably sent this in a PM. Duh. Feel free to PM me if there's anything you want to say more privately. Know that I'm just a tad overwhelmed by "wedding week" at hand, but I will do my best to answer you. Know that I will pray for your strength very specifically. 

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saint

HUGS Held!  

First--ditto on everything F&F said---she gives good advise from a place of personal experience! 

I think I told you I had a similar experience with my dh b4 we married. He has never repeated the drinking that brought out his other personality, but you are seeing your dh's beast. My advice is to think of your kids FIRST!!!  From what you have written it seems they are already reacting to the family dynamic..........BC play a huge part in what is going on-------PLEASE seek counseling for ALL of you. Maybe dh loves you so much his drinking is cuz he is scared & worried about you.........try to find that love that brought you together & rekindle it!  I know how hard it is when things start to go sour. It can be SO hard to soften your heart & offer an olive branch, BUT once offered if it is not accepted you need to remember that GOD did NOT bring you together (you found each other) & He does not make garbage!!! You & your girls are NOT to be treated any way but with respect...... BIG HUGS!!!! Feel free to contact me by pm or email----you are all in my prayers (especially dh)----be well & stay strong

EWB

Oh sweetie...so sorry for all this nonsense to be going on. I have nothing to offer, but Saint and Faith  have some good advice. All I can say is to be careful- your safety & well being and that of your girls is most important, no one should be treated badly, there is no excuse or explanation for that. You are in my prayers.

regalbee

I am a born-again Christian, but early in my spiritual walk I was afraid to surrender to God wholly, for fear He would give me something really tragic to deal with.  Over the years, through Bible reading and life experiences, He has taught me that He is working ALL things together for my good (and I mean ALL).  I went through cancer experiences, with my Mom and husband having cancer at the same time, and now me.  But, during those hard times I really learned of His love and faithfulness.  I know that sounds strange, but it really happened.  This life is not a bed of roses, but I know that my future is bright and I'll spend eternity with my Lord.  Romans 8:18 means a lot to me, as it puts the trials in this life in the proper perspective.  Hope this helps someone.

faithandfifty

Held: thinking of you & sending supportive prayers -- for whatever's going on in your busy world.

Sending you

strength & courage.

strength & courage.

strength & courage.

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welcome, regalbee

Held

I was discussing some of this mess with a friend of mine.  Her husband is a Pastor.  She was actually the last person I expected to understand my feeling and frustrations.  She has had her own struggles and health issues.  Her husband suggested I read John chapter 9:

¹As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. ²His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

 ³"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

We may have covered this before, I don't know...... maybe this was the first time I really heard it. 

The anniversary of my bilat is Saturday.  I had a terrible time during the anniversary of my dx, but I seem to be approaching this day a bit better.  The tears and flashbacks still come, but considering it is two days away, I am proud of myself! LOL!  Perhaps that bible verse brought me the comfort I needed right now.....  Yes, I am still annoyed that I had to go through it in the first place, but for whatever reason I feel less "picked on".  Does that make sense?

EWB

I'm not sure what the reading means (something I will have to ponder about)  but if it brings you some peace and comfort -- then I am truely grateful. Anniversaries can be difficult and when added onto other things,  it can become rather overwhelming. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and I am glad that you are getting thru these difficult days.

Held

Sorry EWB, I must have expected everyone to be inside my brains!! LOL!  In the beginning of this thread I shared that my mother told me that I have given myself cancer by sinning (as well as giving myself epilepsy).  My parents are very very religious and study the bible and i do believe they each have a close personal relationship with God, so this comment ripped right through me.  I sure didn't want a relationship with God when He seemed to be picking on me. 

Anyway, this bible verse tells me my mother does no know everything, and that I didn't give myself cancer because of my sin.

Anyway, today is my very bittersweet anniversary.  I am officially a 2 year survivor.  I also had my bilat 2 years ago today.  I am kinda freaked out...........  I am not sure how to feel.  How should I be feeling??!?!?!?

kbugmom

Held glad you are still here. God bless.

faithandfifty

Two years!!!

Anniversaries do make us fill with all sorts of emotions: turmoil, euphoria, anger, resentment & gratitude are a strange mix to be sure.

To tell you the truth, dear Held..... over all these months I 'forgot' the part about your mom believing that you had created your BC.

That is just so far away from my belief system -- that I can barely control myself.

Respect our elders -- and all that.

I am glad that you have found scripture that gives you a feeling of support, to differ from your mom's understanding.

I think that it's time for you to 'celebrate' having made this milestone.

Sending you prayers of strength.

Tomorrow I will walk in our AmCancerSociety's walk: Strides Against Breast Cancer.

It's pouring rain right this minute & I don't think we have a very glorious forcast for tomorrow.

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saint

HUGS Held! I, too, forgot your mom's strange pronouncement! Having a strong faith & close relationship to God does not mean her interpretation is going to be correct!! I much prefer your latest scripture post------how can His glory be shown if we are all healthy & well>????? It makes SO much sense! 

The other reference I like is about a loving father-does he give his child a stone when he asks for an egg? It took some pondering, but I do NOT believe our father EVER gives us anything bad. He gave us free-will & THAT explains it all for me...tho I think I have done that here, so won't go into it again unless you ask!

Hang in there sister---I am celebrating your anniversary! To me it is all good.......be well & stay strong   HUGS 

Indomitable1

Just finding this....so glad. What a great and refreshing discourse. Thank you ladies for candidly sharing.

Happy 2 year Anniversary Held!! Thanks again for initiating the discourse of these important matters.

EWB

Saint- so good to see you! How are you doing?

Indom- welcome. 

I suppose we are given what we need, even though we don't always know it at the time.

Indomitable1

Thanks, EWB.  You're right-I keep getting surprised by how that keeps happening....although I haven't always recognize my needs being met immediately-usually 'cause I'm concentrating on my wants.