And another one bites the dust....

rumoret

"Then it suddenly changed and he became irritable over everything. It was like he was suddenly PMS-ing. He even shouted at me during a conversation about religion, swearing that he knew better than I about the Catholic belief in the Trinity. Since he isn't Catholic and I am (and have not only had 18 years of Catholic education, but have taught Catholic doctrine), I knew that he was fabricating, but I let it go. Still, that was my first clue that he was insecure and defensive and prone to SHOUTING (I swear to you all that this is the first time, as an adult, that I've been shouted at....it felt uniquely bizarre!)."

"Alright then, I'm sympathetic and try to be sensitive and understanding. He shouts at me AGAIN during a conversation about my daughter, and he says.....hold onto your wigs, y'all...."I'll put my IQ up against your daughter's anyday."

"He apologized. Said if I "wanted to continue with him" we should talk."


What is Raging?
Rage is a shame based expression of anger.

    Rage is by definition abuse. Ragers react to strong emotions with rage. (i.e. feelings of  fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.)

    Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about".

    Raging gives the rager a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.

    Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive, producing what is known as rageaholism or ragaholics.

What Rage Looks Like:

Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.

About Abusive Relationships.

Abusive relationships are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

Abuse does not have to be physical.

Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize, and therefore to recover from.  Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers.  Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship.

Abusive relationships are progressive

Love,

Terry 

Anonymous

Well, my chicas, it is absolutely, finally and totally over.....and I've never in my life felt so empowered and self-affirmed!!!!! It was much harder than I'd imagined because I've never really stood up for myself in a swift, clear, strong decisive way. But something in me (self-esteem, finally?) took over and moved me to say and do exactly what I needed to to leave the abuse and say "yes" to myself, despite my hot face and racing heart. Here's how it went down: I dawdled my way to his house, really feeling like I just didn't want to face the bullshit. On the phone and then first thing out as I arrived, he pursed his lips and acted annoyed because he hadn't finished his house chores. Strike one. Then he seemed to be trying to be somewhat pleasant and I played along, having already decided that I wasn't going to, once again, ask for a mature discussion regarding our relationship because it was his idea/agenda to postpone it until this weekend. He had no food in the house, so while we sat in front of the TV watching some moronic car auction that he was into, we talked about dinner. I proposed wraps, he wanted waffles (!), so since he was both buying & cooking, that was fine with me. We proceeded to Walmart where, instaed of fussing at me, he made nasty comments to other shoppers regarding their carts being in the way or their going in the "wrong" direction or (get this!) their being too fat and blocking the aisles!!!! I was humiliated but, again, kept quiet and ignored his tacky behavior. Home, blah, blah, blah. Mind you, he hadn't kissed or really touched me at all since I arrived and we haven't even been dating for 3 months yet! Okay, dinner's over and he insists on watching "The Mummy Returns, " followed by "The Scorpian King." I've never watched these flicks and had absolutely no desire to, but I played nice again and just asked to peek at basketball here & there. But once the Carolina-Louisville game came on, I figured we'd surely watch that. Um, no. Oh yeah, forgot to say that earlier, he had yelled again when he switched to car racing and I had joked that I'd rather watch golf (I guess that was a bit passive-agressive on my part, to be fair here). He roared "Then why don't you go upstairs and watch golf!" OY. Okay, back to bball. He switches to the game and gets up and goes up to the bedroom to watch car racing again. I sat on the coach alone and that's when it just hit me that I was spending MY energy trying to make something work that I really don't want to work! The heavens opened and I think I heard the singing of the Seraphim! YESSSSSSS! So I thought...am I gonna go up after the game, get myself laid, wake up and pretend with him some more before escaping....OR am I gonna leave right now because I simply don't want to be here and don't want this man in my life for another second? I was scared, but my choice was clear, so I went upstairs and said (in a kind voice, mind you) "J., I'm going to leave." He retorts (loudly) "Why, because I want to watch car racing and you like basketball?" I just said "Because I don't feel connected....there's no connection between us, no appreciation." So maybe that wasn't the best or most elaborate explanation, but I felt that anything else would have been accusitory and I just wanted to get out without triggering any rage and, possibly, some unexpected violence. So he says, "Well, I'll miss ya." Sweet, huh? I packed and, a sI was leaving, I said "I'm sorry" (but not too kindly, just matter-of-fact). He says (angrily) "me too." I walked out the door, he switched off the lights (yes he did!) and..............that was it! Over. Done.

Movin' on, my chicas......I FEEL AWESOME!!!!!!! And I'm not at all sure that I could have done it without each & every one of you! It's a real FIRST for me and I thank you from the depths of my big, fat, loving heart!!!!!   

~Marin

LorenaB

Wow, you are one strong chica.  Good for you for KNOWING what was right and not getting caught up in memories of good moments past.  You are awesome.

Lauren

Jaybird627

Marin, life is bitter sweet. I'm glad you feel 'good' about your decision despite it being a difficult one. Move forward and enjoy every day. Find a new playmate and then make sure you keep things on your terms!

AnnNYC

All the best to you, Marin -- you not only deserve it, but I think better than most you know how to GET it!!!!!  You're my she-ro!

xoxox

Ann

paige-allyson

Marin- Congratulations- based on past experience not many things can make the rest of a weekend sweeter than ditching a guy who you've realized is a nut and is not working out and isn't going to. Go you! Allyson

sam52

Marin......a girl who really knows her own mind and who is STRONG......

But does he realise it's completely over - or does he think you just had a kind of disagreement over what to watch on tv?

I must say, his behaviour was more than tacky and as for going upstairs to watch a different programme - the words childish and insensitive come to mind.If he didn't even kiss you or attempt to talk about things - it sounds like he was not that committed anyway.

I'm wondering whether he might just call you in a couple of days.......but I think I know what your response will be!!!

Happy fishing!!

Sam

Anonymous

Ah, Marin.....I'm so disappointed that he turned out to be totally nuts.  

And, once again, you have indeed proven why I think you are just the ballsiest woman I know! 

Love ya, girl....Deb

Bren-2007

Hi Marin,

Checked in to see how things went for you.  Geez .. your instincts were right on the money.  My problem was always NOT trusting my instincts, which were on the money.  I always rationalized them away.

You rock and get an A+ for doing what I should've done in the past!!!

Time to go fishing!

love you,

Bren

Anonymous

You totally got it right! 

I think that since BC we have all been empowered to do the right thing instead of something that might feel good for the short haul. 

spar2

Way to go Marin!!!

sam408

Just read through this thread and wanted to add my "way to go" to you Marin. Sounds like you're instincts are great and you did the right thing.

BTW, your game scenario could've been at my house last night. I was in the bedroom watching the game while my dh was on the couch watching something else. Since I'm sure you're a NC fan. . .congrats on the win. . .even with my Cards coming out on the bottom, it was a great game and I'm still proud of how far they went. Good luck in the rest of the tourn. . .I lived in NC all of 2006, so I have lots of friends that are NC fans.

Anonymous

Sheila...I don't mean to hijack my own thread, but I could NEVER let it be inferred that I'm a Tarheel fan (  )!!!!! No, m'am....I'm a Dukie all the way! Oh, and anyone who plays Carolina! So I was rooting for Louisville, of course, and am now watching to see if we can get Davidson to play UNC next week. That would be sooooooooo sweet, particularly if Davidson kicks Carolina's obnoxious butt!!!!

I think that next time I'll only date a man who likes basketball, as long as he's not a Tarheel (okay, maybe if he's very hot....and kind).

iodine

Marin, so much better now than later!!!!

iodine

Marin, so much better now than later!!!!

BethNY

Wow, what a loser.  Turning the light off when you walked out. Calling people fat in Walmart.  I don't know which part I thought was worse.

Good Riddance.  Don't talk to him if he decides to call you next week. 

Eagerly awaiting hearing about a better guy that comes your way.

gsg

Gees...he didn't even try to hide that he is an ill-tempered, unkind, selfish, immature douchebag on a "make-up" weekend.  Glad you got out before you had any more invested in him. 

On to the next!!!!

gsg

Wouldn't it be great if a former girlfriend or wife could tatoo a warning label onto the guy's forehead detailing his faults right before she walks out.  In a perfect world, this would be mandatory.

Ivylane

Marin:  What a big baby he is.....and. it would seem, someone with rage issues.  Very sad, hope he gets help.  In the interim, I also think you haven't heard the last from him....make sure you have caller ID...and check it before you answer the phone....onward girl...onward.

Love Maureen 

Anonymous

I wish I had called my now ex-husband's ex wife!   Too bad his new gf didn't call me but she will learn, I just hope she and her kids don't get taken for too long!

bluesky

hi marin,

he sounds like a big LOSER and thank goodness you found out now.

sounds like he is misbehaving so he can get out of the relationship,

it's classic. (i read about this behaviour in the book men are from mars womens are from venus) also i personally feel that the men on those sites are bottom of the barrel and there is usually something wrong with them. most of them are into serial dating.

i hope you have better luck with the next one.

Barbie7

He's an idiot.  You are a superstar!

Barbie

evilelf

You're one hellava woman~!~!~!

jdash

marin - wow we have all been there and we are so proud of you that you stood up and walked out

how many of us have stayed way too long

you are destined for great happiness!!!

and you deserve it

xoxoxo

julia

Anonymous

OMG, I missed all of these wonderful, supportive messages! They just mean so much to me! Don't think that you all weren't the MOST instrumental in helping me arrive at this strong, solid place! Thanks so much, my chicas!!!!!   

~Marin

jdash

marin

just checking in with you and hoping you are ok!

xoxox

julia

Anonymous

Julia......you're such a sweetie! I actually had a great day....boxed up all of J's crap last night- things that he'd given me or loaned to me, like a ceramic mug, a bunch of CDs, a car phone charger, etc., and UPS'd them to him. I am now DONE!

Came home to a nice email from a guy I met on Sunday on plentyoffish (hey, I wasn't wasting any time, y'all!). He's a retired professor, an amazing photographer, and likes fitness, travel and college basketball (unfortunately for the "wrong" college ). He's also a widower whose wife died 1 1/2-years ago from esophageal cancer. I haven't yet told him about my bc, but I've hinted at it. Anyway, I don't think he's had much dating experience yet because he asked me over to his house to watch the Final Four game and he wants to make us dinner. Um...I've not even met this guy in person yet, ya know? So of course I passed on the invitation and, instead, suggested coffee/drinks/light dinner or brunch. So we'll see how that pans out.....

J who?

~Marin

Jaybird627

Good for you, Marin! get back out there! I bet this guy didn't think anything of inviting you over to watch the game, like it was just something casual and all. JMO.....  But coffee or whatever sounds good, too. Enjoy!

jdash

marin  thats great to get back out there immediately! thats the way i do it!!  best thing to keep busy   i know alot of people dont like match or jdate but i met  few amazing guys on both of those sites

i think its alot of luck to how soon you met one that you hit it off with  - you know that expession you have to kiss alot of toads before you find your prince xoxoxox

i used to talk to them and email quite a few times before i met them

you can weed them out a bit that way-  i also did coffee meetings alot  so if it wasnt a match it wasnt to painful

good luck and most important just have fun!

Anonymous

Alright, y'all, here's what's goin' down. I'm back on plentyoffish and tangowire and am getting a bajillion hits! Some of the men are way busted, some can't write a complete sentence (lets not even talk about spelling!) and some (many) are younger than my daughter! Also, I've been contacted by several who live in another region and some even another country. So what's left? Hmmmmmm....a few intriguing prospects! One has pics that are soooooooooo cute/hot that I'd meet him today! The others sound smart, funny, etc., with varying degrees of physical attractiveness. So I'm emailing with all of the ones I'm interested in and just keeping my options open.

This is going to be fun (I hope)!

~Marin