And another one bites the dust....
Comments
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Marin, all I can say is, if I were in your shoes, I'd give him one more chance. Anyone can make a mistake and freak out on you once. But even if he finds ways to redeem himself, there is no question that things have changed. Knowing that he has the capacity to be angry and insensitive and rude -- well, it doesn't mean that these qualities define him, and it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy each other's company, but they are important factors to take into consideration as you think about what the future is going to hold.
I was about ready to ditch my boyfriend after his clueless, unsupportive way of dealing with me right after my dx. But I gave him time (because he is a clueless man by nature, and an engineer on top of that -- not that I have anything against engineers, but I think they tend to be really concrete thinkers, not as good with the emotional side of things) and he has shown me that he cares and has no intention to run away from me now. Of course, the fact that he can be emotionally unavailable and unaware of my needs has caused me to seriously reconsider whether we are right for each other, long-term. I haven't discarded the possibility -- but I'm no longer a starry-eyed woman in love, either. It's important information to have.
And now you have some important information about J. What you choose to do with it is up to you. But considering how strong both of your feelings are/were a few weeks ago, I think it would be really hard to just say goodbye if he seems like he's willing to try. I know I couldn't do it. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you won't stay in a relationship if you are being mistreated or disrespected. But if I were you, I'd give him one more chance.
Good luck and please keep us posted!
Lauren
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Marin,
For me, I'd have a different answer since I have a little one at home to worry about ... the confusion, I mean.
For you ... well, you don't have to marry him or plan on it. You have time to sort this out. I don't think I'd throw him back with the rest of the Fish. I think I would keep my guard up and see what he has to say on Saturday. People make mistakes, people get moody and maybe he just has to learn how to deal with conflicting emotions when it comes to you. I've never forgotten that people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you. If you don't address this, it will continue .. you allow it. I'm not saying that abusers are taught by the victim, but the victim has to stop it by getting out. His past relationships may have taught him that unless he raises his voice that they didn't "get it" that he was serious. ... You can teach him a new boundary ....... If he does it again then you can pack your thongs!
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Marin-
Since you are asking for opinions, I will give you mine.
Lose him. You are wasting your time. You are always telling us how valuable we are as women, why should you give him another chance when he clearly showed part of his true self that degraded you and your daughter? The honeymoon phase is just wonderful but then after a period of time, out true personalities come out. The fact that he stated "I am what I am" means you saw how he acted and if you give him another chance, he doesn't have to change his ways. He warned you with that comment. Plus, the comment about your daughter was the final straw for me. What kind of comments about you and your daughter are you willing to put up with before you dump him for someone better? You are so cute, so smart with a sharp sense of humor. This guy does not deserve you. More fish in the sea, you even wrote that above. Don't second guess your instinct to dump him.
There, my 2 cents worth.
Lauralynne
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Oh yeah, I forgot about the part where he insulted your daughter. I think I would get to the bottom of that comment but it would probably always stick in my craw. hmmmm
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Hi Marin: I've sort of been on anothe post trying to fiquire out how to deal with a bowel blockage, real pain in the ass. Pun intended. The more I think about this guy I wonder and worry. You've already told him about your ex and that you stayed in a relationship that was, how to put it, loud. I just hope this doesn't lead him to believe that you will put up with his bullshit. I think what bothers me the most is the attack in regards to your daughter. I have two grown sons and man if anyone ever attacked them verbally or otherwise I was just plain finished with them and never ever changed my mind. See that's what is scaring me so much about this guy. You are brave to see him face to face, but please, please don't let him sucker you in. Maybe, cause a stressor and see how he deal with it then and there, that way you will know, tricky, yeah, but as said earlier a leapord never changes his spots. Be careful Marin and please let us know what happens. Pearl
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Marin,
I wish I could say I was surprised. It's like they haven't evolved along with the females of the species or something...
Big hugs to you girlfriend,
Colleen
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Hey Marin... I was thinking about you this AM b/c I need to loose 10 pounds fast before the only things left in my closet to wear are elastic band skirts!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway... I have been reading a little about your adventures and misadventures on the dating world... gee, was I there all my life basically until 3 years ago... Yes, it has been that long already...
I have dated almost a little bit of everything, including marring them too!
The yelling and trying to compare himself to your daughter is absolutely non acceptable!
See it for what it was, a good roll in the hay, a good time,... and move on.... I know it is difficult b/c us chicas grow attached right away... we have to start thinking like man! Be more like them too to a certain degree w/ keep us out of emotional trouble!
Most of all changes start from within, meaning within yourself... If I didn't change a couple of things about me, and always trying to achieve the best I can be, and am still working on it, I would probably still be dating losers!
I don't think this guy is the "one" for you. Aim for the stars... you will reach them when you least expect! And again, be open to "almost everything" that comes your way... the ones w/ poor chances w/ us... might surprise the living crap out of you...
Like the girls said, they don't change their "spots", temporarily, they might camouflage them... and than again some of them do improve... just remember that your love w/ never change him/her or the infinite chances you might give them to prove themselves to you... they are who they are, and the older the worse... that is why I like spring roosters
... but that is another conversation...Again... whatever you decide to do, I w/ be there w/ you, okay? These are just my opinions.
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Here's my opinion for whatever it's worth. I really liked this guy, and I especially liked how much you liked this guy. Up until his ex rolled into town everything was roses. You were having great conversation, great sex, and you had something to be excited about when you weren't together.
So his Ex shows up, and he regresses into psycho immature I need a break from life for a minute mode.
The question is, will it blow over, and will he move forward, or is this how he deals with life's pressures-and every time things get the best of him, is this how he's gonna act?
I think that would be the focus of my part of the conversation over the weekend.
I would want to know if this has anything to do with me, or is it just how he is coping with his ex and other life drama.
I don't have the answers Marin. But, I am glad that you will see him this weekend, and talk it out. You're a great communicator. I think you clearly and calmy can state what you want and need out of your partner.
It all comes down to how he responds to you.
I'm glad that you can walk away, and get back in the game etc., but this guy was more than just a fling, and I think whether you stay with him or move on to greener pastures, you should at least have closure, and feel confident about which decision you make.
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You all have no idea how very much each and every post here means to me! Where else can you get so much help thinking through such a way tough issue? Of course, its still tough because I hear where each of you is coming from and agree with it all. He has definitely shown his spots and I don't think it was an isolated event. I truly think that he is warning me that this is how he gets when things don't go well and will probably try to pull the old "accept me as I am and don't try to change me" plea. Well, that's not gonna fly with me...at all! For my part, the thrust of the discussion this weekend will be that I am looking to love a man who aspires to become the best person he can be and who wants to be his very best person for me. He needs to know that my life now is all about embracing joy and becoming a loving and compassionate presence on this planet and I'm seeking a partner in that journey, not someone who is negating and depleting.
He just emailed to say that he's thinking of me and looking forward to our weekend together. Hmmmmm....we'll see about that
? If it doesn't go well, I just may have to do as Rockmom suggests....and "pack my thongs"! (Oh, btw, I interpret his comment about my daughter to be reflective of what I'm beginning to suspect is his feeling threatened by both my and my daughter's graduate degrees. As absurd as it seems and especially since I never even think about such comparisons, he seems jealous that he doesn't have an advanced degree. Ugh.....MEN!!!!)
~Marin
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marin i loved what you said "where else can you get so much help thinking through a tough issue" we come here because of our bond of bc but in that we support each other in all other "life issues" as well - that just makes me love this site and all of you that much more
xoxox
julia
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Marin,
Sorry J was such a jerk. I think meeting him on Saturday is just fine and dandy - it isn't as if you are deciding to spend the rest of your life with him, you are deciding to spend one day with him. When you do, your gut will tell you exactly what to do. You know that, you just need to listen to what your gut tells you after Saturday.
We'll be rootin' for ya!
Barbie
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He's an architect and doesn't have an advanced degree?!? Yeesh, in CA, you have to have 8 years at NAAB-approved schools just to apply for licensure.
Whatever, he needs to get over that Achilles heel and let you be you and accept himself. Or he could go back to school!
All the best of luck, girl -
Lisa
whose brother, an architect in VA, had almost too much school
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Marin,
I think we're about the same age. I've been single a lot and I've been married a lot. One husband got his bags and sh**t packed while he was at work one day because acted in a threatening way to my son once (there were other problems as well). That was all she wrote for that hubby. I was also married to an atty who looked great on paper. What a mean, cold fish he turned out to be, but I hung in there. Red flags were flying ... I was colorblind!! My dreams were going to come true!! WRONG. I am with a man now (truck driver) who has never in 3 years raised his voice to me, never said one mean thing, is always there emotionally, puts up with my b.s., loves my family, is good, kind and pushes all the right buttons!!
He isn't the most educated man I've ever been with. He's just a good ole country boy, who's sexy, sweet AND he got me a tat for me 50th b-day!! Long story short ... like Lila said, the right guy turns up in the most unusual packages. Mine just happened to turn up in a tall, handsome, tattoo covered biker guy!
J is throwing out some pretty clear msgs. He told you exactly who he is.
love ya girl,
Bren
PS - You are a beautiful, smart woman who can have any fish in the sea she wants!!!
PS - I met mine on American singles.com
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Well, Lisa, he says he's an architect...or at least he used to be. Was with some firm in Chicago called Skidmore & somebody....anyone ever hear of it? According to his story, he majored in architecture in college, but dropped out before graduation and somehow landed a job in the field. Said they didn't require degrees back then (?). It seemed odd to me because even in my field of social work, a degree was necessary to practice and that was "back then" too. Anyway, he kind of fell into computer tech work along the way and says he's done that since. All I've ever seen him do though is home repairs and car-building. He claims to be on a "sabbatical" right now. The thing is, I don't give a rat's ass if he has a degree or not. i just want him to be honest and feel okay about himself, ya know? My ex-husband was 4 credits short of a BS degree and he never felt at all threatened that I had a graduate degree. He was completely secure about his intelligence and his professionalism. Geez, I'm beginning to make him sound so good, huh? Not.
Anyway, I'm going into the weekend with a large attitude of skepticism. I do suppose it's possible that it was all a passing cloud and he'll be back to sweet and solicitous. If not, I'll just have to bolt. I simply don't have the time for negativity and drama.
Sometimes my girlhood imaginings of life in the convent seem to resurrect and call me. WHAT DID I JUST SAY????!!!!!!
I just LOVE you guys!!!
~Marin
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that would be one helluva convent, is all I can say!!!!
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Marin- I think your comment re: the guy showing his spots was right on the money- reading your posts I am not seeing "isolated incident" I's seeing major red flags. My advice...RUN. I'm feeling your skepticism.
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About the education and not needing a degree and being on a sabbatical, google the guy and the firm he said he worked for, this is sounded weirder and weirder to me. Marin I think he's just not good enough for you , you deserve the best the very best. Dump him. Man that was nasty of me, but the more I hear the stranger it seems. Be careful and I can't wait to hear his next story.
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Found Skidmore in Chicago here is the link.
http://www.som.com/content.cfm/www_home
looks like a great company and has a large contact area. Now what to do with it?
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Marin, put his name in peoplefinders.com and see what comes up. That site should locate hiim and it'll tell who all is connected to him, etc. It's free! Also, zabasearch.com the dude!!!! Hey, us girls will help you find out the REAL DEAL!!! hehehe
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Marin,
I peeked in on you to see what you've been up to. All I can say is WTF?!?!?!?!
He had such potential.Now, mind you, I agree with the what you see is what you get theory, but I also agree with the fact that the men can change those less than desirable qualities.
Take my dh, for example!
It's taken him some counseling, and some counseling with us together (which I find no shame saying that we both admit that we are totally different at our approach to conflict and need help!).
I'm sorry your man turned out to be a rat. That really sucks. We all still love you, sister!
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Well, I'm not entirely convinced that he's a psycho-killer-predator....not yet, anyway. I'm leaning more towards insecure-pathetic-possible dickhead. Whatever he is, I'll find out on Saturday and will, most likely, be back on Plenty of Fish by Sunday morning.
On a lighter note, I received an ecard from my daughter last night and checked out the site. For those of us with somewhat sicko humor, it's a real find! Here's an example of the perfect card for me to send to J:
Check out this site and send your own weird messages to friends and foes.... www.someecards.com
~Marin
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haha i checked out those sites peoplefinder and zabasearch but they dont tell you anything unless you pay the 50$ for the report
interesting though and worth it i guess if you really want to look into someone
i was dating this really nice guy for about a month or 2 - he had to go away and asked me to come by his place when the phone co and cable were going to be there- well without me doing much snooping right in his closet was a pile of papers with a mug shot of him and a arrest for passing all these bad checks - and a whole bunch of other money related offenses in another state he had lived in- now this guy was driving around in his mercedes convertible so who would have ever wondered- i immediately stopped seeing him giving him some lame excuse and he was soo confused since it did seem like we were really hitting it off- he tried to contact me a few times and i keep giving him bs excuses I DID NOT want him to know i had found out about his history
just be careful when you do find information what you do with that information - sometimes its safer and better to say nothing and just make it look like you are cutting off the relationship for other reasons
xoxox
julia
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Hey Marin: I've been following this thread and can imagine how torn you are. Two things would bother me:
1....that he challenged your daughter
2.... that he is an architect without a degree???? I don't think I'd buy that one....
Be careful....you seem like such a sweetheart....
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Marin: You have a good head on your shoulders...listen to your instincts.
re him not having his degree. my brother-in-law is a plumbing & heating architect for large office buildings and is also a few credits short of his degree. What happens is, he does the design and puts the blueprints together but cannot sign off on them. They go to someone with a degree who does the actual signing off. So it's conceivable that your guy did work on some level as an architect without his degree.
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I should add that J. actually told me about his "criminal past" when, back in the day, he and his friends were busted for growing and selling weed. He spent time in the slammer. I know you'll totally believe me when i tell you that I liked the idea of dating a "criminal"....my attraction to the "bad boy" type, ya know? What concerns me much more is his psychological profile and history and what his immature outbursts say about his ability to engage in a healthy relationship. It even has begun to occur to me that when he talks about his ex-wife's clinical depression, he is really telling me that HE was the one with a psych problem. But maybe I've just had too much time to ruminate about this. Hopefully, much will be revealed tomorrow and I'll then know if this can go anywhere. But Julia, you make a good point about not confronting him. I know how to just disappear....after all, I've learned from some pros!
And btw, your checking out that guy's closet so reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Carrie does the same thing.....and the guy finds out and thinks she's a psycho-stalker!~Marin
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Oh Marin I can't wait until tomorrow, whatever you decide just be strong, well that was stupid you are strong, just don't let him trick you into feeling sorry for him. I don't think he's a preditor type either but something is off about him so good luck in whatever you choose to do we're here and will have your back as much as we can. Shit Marin at least your trying, I'm still not even trying. What does that say about me.
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OMG, Marin, I LOVE that ecard website. Too stinkin' funny.
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Hi Marin:
This does not sound right at all. Is he on medication,
that you know of?? or don't know of perhaps
This is a real red Flag issue
and, not acceptable. This yelling
I have seen people do this before
and .. goodbye, no tolerance. He needs
to shape up.
Best to you
You can meet your real nice guy
I am sure, and if not, then
be on your own for a bit until...
I was on POF as well, but
am now too busy.
Sierra -
we girls should all get together and write a book based on our real "dating after bc" experiences- i think it would be awesome
beth marin anyone else what do ya think
i have some good ones
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