What would YOU do?

Anonymous

What would YOU do?

Anonymous

Hi my chicas....I need to post this over here because I know that you single women "get it." I'm absolutely terrified that my upcoming scans on Wednesday will show mets! I've had a chronic, unexplained cough for about three months and for about a year, I've had mild pain in the right quadrant of my abdomen, just below my ribs (i.e., where my liver is). Last year, one of my liver enzymed (AST) was slightly elevated (41 with 38 the upper limit of normal) and I just got a call from my onc's nurse asking about my supplements because they're trying to understand the new results which has the AST at 51!!! She's downplaying it and we're all just waiting for the results of the scans (lung and liver0. I'm hoping to know what's up on Thursday or Friday at the latest.

So I'm feeling like not talking to J and even thinking about breaking up with him because he just won't understand mets and his ex-wife was depressed and, so, he shouldn't have to go through another illness with a new woman (me). I guess I feel like I should isolate myself in anticipation of bad results, ya know? I don't get to see him until until the weekend because he lives an hour away, so I guess I'll know what to do by then....? What would you all do if you found out you had mets and you're just beginnning a new relationship?

I just wish I could get everything over with....the scans, the results, the break-up..... 

~Marin

spar2

If it were me I would enjoy every single minute with him.  You will also see what he is "really" made of if you share your fears. You are sharing your body now share your soul.

AnnNYC

sweetie, don't do anything rash!

I would say "tell him -- it's a chance to share and be close!"

EXCEPT

I kept my BC dx to myself after finding out on a Friday night -- wanted to keep my weekend date with long-distance, on/off sort-of boyfriend, because I'd been told (and told him) I wouldn't know results until the following Tuesday -- and I wanted at least one last roll-in-the-hay weekend.

So I certainly didn't practice what I'm thinking of preaching!

I'm so sorry you're having this worry -- hope there's some other explanation for AST -- still doesn't sound terribly elevated (though I'm not familiar with the range).

I think maybe the scenario you're imagining, about breaking up, is that YOU don't want to be that sick person -- and of course you don't, and I hope and pray you aren't.

Who is it on this board who says -- "we'll fall off that bridge when we come to it"???

You're not at that bridge yet, and I hope you won't be.

If you really do find out that you're at that bridge, it'll feel very different than imagining it.

(Right now, you want to be healthy, you want to continue in this happily unfolding relationship -- and fear that those things will change is, I think, what's making you imagine ending the relationship, because at least you can exert THAT MUCH control.  But as I said, I think all these imaginings have to do with not wanting a bad test result -- )

Much love, many hugs, you don't have to share with J today if you don't want to,

hope you can breathe and think of something else,

Love,

Ann

Anonymous

Marin-

I'm not single BUT don't you think that's a decision for him to make, not you?  We can't make other people's choices for them. 

Good luck with the test results...I'll be thinking of you!

Peggy 

AnnNYC

Hope I was clear!   I agree with Sige/Peggy -- I definitely don't think you should decide to break up with him!

I just could understand that you may not want to mention tests until results are clearer...

LisaSDCA

Marin, Marin - my dear, listen to yourself! You would no way let anyone else consider this sort of negative self talk. You are a fit, healthy (with a cough), strong, happy woman who has a blossoming relationship with a man who cares about her and cares about her needs. Next week you will still be a fit, healthy, strong, happy woman who deserves to continue enjoying a relationship that she (and her beau) find stimulating and satisfying.  Lab values - liver enzymes - do not change this!!! Even scans won't change this. Do not imagine that lesions on a scan means you will turn over, face the wall and decide to die. You will be the same person tomorrow. J will want to see this weekend the same woman he enjoyed last weekend. Maybe her psyche will be a bit preoccupied, but her being, her self will be unchanged from having medically identified something that has been going on for months, if indeed it has. And I'm betting it hasn't - that's a miniscule rise in liver enzymes and if the blood was taken soon after you had a couple of extra-strength Tylenol, I'm not worried!

Can you imagine if J were contemplating not speaking to you, just cutting you off because he had decided you couldn't hack a man who worked long hours and lived so far away? That it was just unfair for a woman who obviously needed a man nearby? You'd bust a gasket! YOU are the one to make those decisions, or at least share in them, right?

So, Dr. Lisa's Rx - relax. Quit visualizing catastrophe and your potential response to it. Isolation never improved anybody's outlook or outcome, so get your bootay out there doin' what you oughta be doing. Look forward to a weekend with your man - SPRING is in the air!

Meanwhile, I join with many, many others in sending you strength to get you through these hours until your scan results come through. But I've got $5 that says they're clear.

Lisa

Jaybird627

Marin, I feel your fears (it seems I'm always sick, and tired, and achy and I DO fear mets...) but don't do anything rash! What if you don't have mets (or whatever), but will have broken up with the best guy ever?

Now me, I'd keep it all to myself as I don't share anything until I really have to. I'd either avoid him and claim being busy at work or act as if nothing is bothering me. Again, my way of coping.

Calm down and enjoy each day for what it is.

Sierra

Hi Marin:



Right this minute

I'm sending out positive

vibes, and embracing you in

beautiful white light



I don't know what to tell you

otherwise..



but.. if you are unsure.. about

your fellow

DO WAIT.. SEE WHAT the universe

tells you



These aches and pains

I have them all the time



but then again

age..



((((((Marin))))



knowing how you feel





Hugs

Anonymous

Marin,

I caught this thread while browsing active topics.   I'm so glad I did.  

I know that you are feeling fear right now, and I would totally want to do the same thing (I have that tendency).  

However, from the outsider viewpoint, all I can really see happening from this budding relationship is true happiness.  It sounds like DreamMan is really someone who can "handle" mets. 

I don't think this is a man who would want to just let it end.  I sure as heck KNOW that you aren't a woman who wants to let this end! 

We miss you on mojo!!!!  
PS-our VDay was kind of a dud.  We had some mojo time, but it was after he got home late due to weather, and our son wouldn't go to sleep......ack.  

Saved my "bit-o-nothin" to wear on our wedding anniversary instead.  

Love and prayers, Deb

carolsd

Marin, I would be doing the exact same thing as you... only my strategies haven't worked so well for me in the past! So I would not recommend doing what *I* would do.

I really loved Peggy's comment "we can't make other people's choices for them." Sounds like something my SO says on a regular basis. It's not that I don't understand: I do! I often think "what will I do if I am diagnosed with mets?" and my answer is "go it alone!" or "cut everyone off!" Hmmmmm

I've had those mets scares. When I was diagnosed, I was convinced I had liver mets because of a recurrent right upper quadrant pain. My doc suspected gallstones and ordered an ultrasound. It showed no mets OR gallstones. To this day I have no idea what caused my pain (which continues off and on).

As for the cough, do you have allergies? I have terrible coughs through the night sometimes, and lingering through the next morning. It sounds hacking and wheezing, but it's due to allergies. If I take my claritin-D on schedule, it helps a lot. And you can develop new allergies later in life, in case you don't know.

I hate it that you're experiencing these fears. I know how terrifying it can be. Please try not to let your imagination run away with you (easy for me to say). There are other explanations for symptoms than cancer. And I would also ask that you not do anything "rash" with your relationship. Wait until you have more information before you make any decisions about it. Like someone said, what if you broke up with him and discovered everything was ok? What then?

And what if it's NOT ok? Let HIM decide if he can handle it. And if you are getting no support and feel you're better off without him at that time, *then* you can think about ending the relationship.

Right now, you're putting the cart before the horse. Wait until you know more, please.

erika-canada

Hi Fitchik:

• I've been reading your threads since I became a member a couple of years ago. To say how informative and helpful they were through my treatment, is the under-statement of the year.

Whatever the outcome of the scans, I definitely would not break up- I would be up-front, and I feel it should be his decision.

Why am I so adamant abouit this? When I found out I had IBC with node involvement; I wanted to break-up with my S.O. of ten years.Then, one morning on awakening, I thought he deserves the truth..what he does is his decision. Eventhough, he couln't be with me physically (he lives in another country) his moral support was unbelievable. At times I was deathly ill (seriously) but every call, card, letter, drawing and comforting words gave me the support I so desparately needed. Our love has grown stronger everyway possible, even with this Femara I can be such a b----, but he is there for me. To think I almost made the miatake of giving up this gem of a man. We aren't young, LOL, in the 50's, I plan to spend many years with him--if he'll have me.

No matter what the outcome, always remember, you're strong, intelligent, optimistic, brave, humorous, kind and extremely compassionate. Girl, you've got it all going!!!!!!!!

So Sorry, for prattling on. BUT< let's reverse the coin.  Whatever live dishes out....would you be there for him?

Sending anti-anxiety vibes and may your scan results be great.

Hugs,

Erika

iodine

Ok, another 2 cents: sounds like you are thinking about pushing him away before he has a chance to push YOU away, at least that' what you expect?

Nah, I agree, give him a chance to make his own decisions, after you know where you stand. 

 I had a cough for years, finally got it stopped with double doses of Singulair and Prevacid.  It was amazing, I had a silent gastric reflux causing the cough and a chronic sinus conditon that contributied with post nasal drip = cough.  It was the first time the allergist had used this med combination and dosage, but it sure was great for me.  Now I hear he uses it frequently with good outcomes.

Fingers and eyes crossed for a great test result!

Anonymous

Breath ....... let's wait

jdash

marin  its 3am and i cant sleep with neck pain and worrying and i read your post  i totally understand your fears and am feeling the same right now -- whatever you do DO NOT push this wonderful man away- i have had back pain and was sure mets and took MRI and it showed arthritis and disc degeneration (i cried hysterically nevr sooo happy to hear that  - imagine what bc does to you - crying of joy to have arthritis and disc degeneration : ))  now i have terrible neck pain again worried sick about mets(could have to do with me flying thru the air like superman after tripping and the only thing stopping my fall was my head hitting my front door with a huge thud ! ouch  Your fears are normal but my bet is that next week you will feel so much better hearing great news that you ok- and life with your new wonderful man will be even more wonderful

stay the positive person you always seem to be here   we all tend to worry more when life is going too good to believe!!!

BIG HUGS TILL YOU Get your ALL CLear

xoxox

julia

Sierra

Hi Marin:



Have you tried

Bragg's Organic Vinegar

and some real honey



each day in the AM

I had a terrible cough and took this



worth it..



Hang tight





Hugs

LorenaB

Marin, I agree 100% with what everyone else has said.  I'm sending you lots of positive vibes -- I don't know anything about mets but it sounds like your symptoms could mean lots of different things.

One more thing -- this may sound like psycho-babble, but do you think there is any chance that you are displacing your fears onto your relationship as a sort of defense mechanism?  I say this because I think this is what I have been doing, on and off since my diagnosis two months ago.  My boyfriend has disappointed me by not being the one strong person who I can count on for everything -- but he is still here, he hasn't gone away, and he supports me in ways that he can.  Yet I find myself getting focused, obsessed even, on the negatives in our relationship.  I even asked him if he was cheating on me -- which was totally ridiculous, he's not that kind of person, and even if he was, with two young daughters and a demanding job he has no room in his life for two girlfriends.  Honestly, I think I've been focusing my anxiety on something I have more control over, and something more "normal" (i.e. relationship troubles) rather than allowing myself to really worry about the real stuff.  When I realized this, it helped me to put things in perspective.

I don't know if this is relevant to you but it's something to consider.

Please update us ASAP!!! 

Anonymous

Okay, I knew you guys were awesome but I had no idea HOW AWESOME!!! I can't tell you how much your advice and support are meaning to me. I actually feel, today, as though there is nothing that I can't conquer, including mets! To all of you who advised me to not break up and to allow him his own decision as to whether to stick with me or not, THANK YOU! I knew as soon as I started reading your replies that you were giving me wise and healthy advice. As for underlying motives, I think that there is most definitely truth in the suggestion that I was about to try to sabotage the relationship in order to avoid having him reject me first. I continually struggle with trying to have courage and honesty in my relationships with men and so appreciate your making me tow that line since I'm convinced that an honest relationship is the ONLY kind I ever want to have with a man again.

So I emailed him last night, in reply to a beautiful message he had sent about missing me terribly and thinking of me all day. I told him that I thought about him, but with worry about causing him pain if my cancer was back and had spread. This is just a brief excerpt from what he wrote back:

"I cannot say that I have not strayed into the future and the worry of what may be, but that is of no more value than what may have been....Every journey is accomplished with the simple process of 'right foot, left foot.'" He goes on to say: "It is important to me that you share your fears and make them face the light."

How precious is this man? I'm so grateful for him as well as for you all and I'm ready for whatever the scans reveal! Thank you, my friends.

~Marin

AnnNYC

OMG, that is so beautiful!  What a keeper!

Both of you, I mean!

Hugs, kisses, and best wishes,

Ann

ADK

Marin,

You know how to pick 'em.  I so wish everything is okay for you.  I have every possible organ crossed for you.  Please let us know as soon as you do.

Anonymous

Marin,

What a man!!!   You got a keeper, no doubt. 

Come back to mojo, sometime!!!  We miss you, sister!  

iodine

Now that guy has a WAY with words. (and obviously some other things as well!)

Anonymous

Hey Marin,
Just letting you know I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! Good luck on the scans!   

cmb35

Marin,

OK, I stopped reading as I scrolled, because I was just going to reply with my thoughts, but then I saw your update.

First of all, good luck on your scans.

Second, I'm glad you told him. In a nutshell, I'm with the "weed 'em out early" people. I just happened to make contact with not 1, but 2, count 'em 2, normal-seeming, attractive-seeming men on match.com. Both had e-mailed me 2-3 times, and were at the point of asking if I would like to talk on the phone and/or meet in person.

Literally 24 hours later I got crazy news about a skin cancer on my ear that requires radiation as a follow-up to surgery and from what I've been reading on the internet (I know, I know, I'm the queen of do as I say, not as I do!) is pretty darn dire. (Appt tomorrow with rad onc.)

ANYWAY, I had to explain the situation to these 2 men as I couldn't just all of a sudden stop e-mailing as we were in the process of planning to meet this past weekend. One I never heard from again, not so much as a "good luck to you!" The other one e-mailed me back and basically said, "sorry to hear it, and then made a joke about how a woman who he met that was 10 years older and 30 pounds heavier than described scared him, but I didn't scare him!"

I have to tell you, I was initally leaning toward the one that didn't even so much as e-mail back. Now I'm sorry, I can see being scared off by cancer in a potential match.com candidate. Truly I can. I feel like calling him up (he had already given me his phone #) just to scare the pants off him! LOL

So, (goodness I'm chatty, sorry!) it sounds like you've been seeing this guy for a little while anyway, and it sounds like he's a keeper! I'm really happy for you!!

Again, best of luck on the scans, I'll be thinking of you...

Anonymous

Oh, ((((((Colleen, sweetie))))))! That ear thing sounds scary as shit....I'm so sorry! And to think that around here, we sometimes "joke" about ear or toe mets....geez. Anyway, I'm sure it'll all turnout fine, but in the meantime, I'm sending you a bajillion positive thoughts and plenty of hugs. Please keep us posted on the whole mess as it unfolds, okay?

As for the men, they sound fairly typical of the kinds of guys I met on match. I wonder what's up with that site? I tried a few of the paying sites, but match was absolutely the worst! I'd recommend www.plentyoffish.com. That's where I met J and two other nice guys, one who was a recent widower whose wife had had lung cancer. He's a really sweet guy and hot too. We still email, but I don't feel right seeing him because I'm committed to J. And also, somewhere around here is a post with sites geared specifically to matching up people with cancer or sympathetic to it. But I don't think you need to go there by any means. It just takes a little (or a lot!) hopeful persistence and a sense of humor.

Good luck tomorrow, Colleen. You'll be in my thoughts as we both lay on our respective gurnies ! 

~Marin

Bugs

Marin,

Thinking of you today.  I'm glad you told your guy...he sounds like a keeper.

Take care,

Bugs

Anonymous

Thanks again, everyone. I'm back at work after the morning in CT. The tech totally blew a vein in one arm and it's actually sore right now. That's okay though....everyone was really nice and tried hard. I have good veins, usually, so it's not like I always have to endure bad sticks.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that J has been such a sweetie since I told him how I was feeling. He called this morning to check on how I was managing and, OMG, at the end of the conversation said "You know I love you, don't you?" I nearly fainted and just mumbled something about my probably loving him too but it was too scary to think about right now. Wow....I don't know if I'm ready for the "L" word! Maybe after I get my results.....

~Marin

ADK

Wow, Marin!!!  It's so good to know you have such a great supporter.  I hope the results are nothing wrong and then you can be ready for the "L" word.

cmb35

Marin,

Sorry about the vein, I hate when that happens.

Wow, that is a big mahtzo ball to throw out there on the phone! Really sweet, and sounds like he is a good, strong, man who really cares about you.

Hoping for great results for you and lots more love and fun with your man!

(Sidenote: Appt today was a waste of time, they didn't have final path back yet. Why oh why would they have not called me to reschedule? Did learn that it is standard 6 weeks of rads, and at least it is likely I can do locally instead of going into Boston, so that's good I guess. Gotta look for that bright side!)

xo

Anonymous

Okay, this gay woman actually had GOOSE BUMPS after reading what your man wrote in his e-mail Marin!!

How awesome for you to have someone so openly supportive of you.  I say live a day at a time and enjoy what he has to offer!!

Hugs

Peggy 

snowyday

Hi Marin:  Please don't do what I did I dumped my guy when I found out I had bc, I was selfish.  I now realize I really hurt his feelings but I was thinking only that I just don't want a hero and then feel like I owe him something later.  I made the wrong decision and know you won't.  Can't talk much my mom is visiting and she's a hand full so hope everything works out and you don't have mets. X pearl