Stupid things people have said since I was told I have cancer!

danix5

Stupid things people have said since I was told I have cancer!

danix5

Hey ladies,

I have heard some stories on "stupid things" people have said before to someone who was dx'd with cancer, but "My Friend", takes the cake.  In my opinion. 

Some history, I will be having a bi-lateral mastectomy on Jan 17,2008, with expanders, then 4-6 weeks later I will be having hyster/ovaries removal.  

I told my friend that I was going to have my acrylic nails taken off I do not want to deal with nail appts when going through all this!  She said, get ready for this "Well your going to be practically and "IT" after all your surgeries so you might as well keep your nails to feel a little  like a girl"! 

So this thread is to dare you all to come up with something better!!!

BTW, she is now in the "not sure I like you anymore" category for me! 

This could end up being a quite amusing thread!  Let's go girls!

Dani

Poppy

WTF?!!!!!!!!!! OMG that comment takes the cake!!!!!! I think I would've gone Terminator all over her ass if one of my "friends" made a comment like that!

At the moment I can't think of anything that was said to me that was so bad (and definitely can't beat that comment!) but Dani, 2 years ago I was 36 and had a bi-lat with expanders. It's been a long road and yes, there ARE days when you feel like a freak and not a woman, but I promise that great reconstruction can make you HOT! I had to have my implants re-done b/c the first guy did a s*** job but now I look great. I still need new tattoos but I have a great tattoo artist this time too. I get tons of looks and you will still look amazing in that pink bikini!

Best wishes as you go through this time.
Love

Erica

P.S. - Dump the "friend!!"

danix5

Thanks Erica!!!  Yeah I hope someone can top my "Friend"! I am still reeling!

Dani

OneBadBoob

Not sure if this "tops" it, but after my hysterectomy, one of my friends asked me how it felt to be neutered and spayed like a cat. . .

danix5

Onebadboob,

BTW I love your name!!!LOL!!!  NO I do not think that one tops it, but it definitely goes in the tacky remarks category! 

Dani

danix5

Erica,

I just wanted to mention that I really appreciate your comments on your "look" now!!! You give me hope!

 I am going for the "sexy stripper boobs"!!! LOL!! I let you all know, in about 8mths!!

Dani

danix5

Hey girls!

Where are you??????  I know some of you at least have had stupid comments.  Let's hear them!!!  Cheer me up, as I am in super spaze mode waiting for this surgery! 

Dani

Mizsissy

OK, being an "IT" sounds pretty weird to me, but I had a very stange conversation with my mother in law on the way home from the airport, shortly after being dx'd and finding out I'd have to do chemo.  BTW, I should mention I had a very good prognosis.  She insisted on talking about Hospice all the way to our house, how wonderful it was, like she was trying to get me into it.

I am not the least bit sorry I disappointed her!!!

Mizsissy 

danix5

You go Mizsissy!  Keep disappointing that MIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dani

Emelee26

Hi Dani..what an awful friend!

When my mom was being seen for a suspicious ovarian cyst and was worried about cancer..the gyn said..oh wait, you didn't have real breast cancer...my mom said..read further..it started as DCIS but there was a tiny invasive part...then they told her oh yes you most definitely have ovarian ca too..umm it turned out to be endometriosis which she had a HUGE hx of...

I'm sorry..is there a fake cancer out there? What an ass she was!

Still not as bad as your friend

Love Marisa

Poppy

People can be total IDIOTS, can't they?!

The only thing that's come to mind was something this little girl with loooong perfect blonde hair said to me when my hair was just coming in. I guess I was in "Mia Farrow/Rosemary's Baby state" at the time. We were in line at the grocery and she gave me a look then said, "Mommy, she looks like a boy." The mom said (very loudly) that YES I DID have hair, short like a boy's. She then went on and on and oooonnnnnnnnn about how her daughter had never had a haircut and her hair is just soooo perfect and gorgeous. I still kick myself for not saying something snotty like, "Well I hope SHE never gets cancer and has HER gorgeous hair fall out like mine did." That would've given me so much satisfaction but people like that are dense. It probably wouldn't have made a difference.

Dani - Those 8 months will pass faster than you think. Enjoy those stripper boobs! lol

Erica

ophelia

Dani,

I hope you've shown that friend the door.  I haven't had any stupid comments thrown at me yet.  But I do have a friend who knows that I've had breast issues in the past and everytime I talk to her she goes on and on about petty problems and then ends the

conversation with "oh and how are you doing? we'll have to get together soon so you can tell me all about it."  I've been hearing this for over a year. And we still haven't gotten together to talk about. She has no idea that I'll be having BM on the 14th.  I can't wait for her to tell me that I should have told her, because I'll have to tell her that she didn't really want to know.  She's been shown the door but doesn't know it yet.

Good luck on the 18th.

danix5

Marisa- I want some of that fake cancer and a fake bi-lateral to go with it!!!  What a unfeeling idiotic comment!

Erica- Oh I hate when I wish I had spoken up to let someone have it and I don't.  Usually like you because it would be lost on them!  But that would of been great to see that mother's face when you said then "I hope she never gets cancer"!!!

Maria-  I guess we all have the friend that is all about her. Won't she be shocked to find out your in hospital with BM, way to go not telling her.   Lately out with my girlfriends it is all about my b/c,which is normal.  They are all scared and want to learn more.  So I have shown them pictures, talked and bragged about this web sites and you ladies, a lot!!!

CurlyKatFL

Well I think the "IT" comment takes the cake for stupid comments, but I can add one for amusement. The lady next door saw me out in the driveway picking up the newspaper. Here I am skinny, pale and very bald. She says to me "OMG I cant believe you shaved all those beautiful long curls. I always knew you were out there, is this some kind of punk phase?"

 All I could think of is, what planet does this woman live on?

Jen44

Hey Dani,

I don't know if this is as bad as the "IT" comment, but still up there on the stupid scale.  My cousin came over right after my bi-lateral and told me "don't take this wrong, but my daughter said she wished she could get what you have so she could get new boobs without feeling guilty about it".  Now you have to understand, her daughter is 30 years old, married with two children.  Some how having both breasts removed because I had three tumors and eight positive nodes doesn't really help me to enjoy the idea that I might one day get to have new boobs.  I had to wait for reconstruction because I had to start chemo asap and I will definitely have to have radiation because the nodes looked really, really bad -my oncologist's words.  I just told my cousin that she really needs to tell her daughter to be careful what she wishes for.

Keep laughing,

Jenny

danix5

 Jenny- That one maybe a tie!!!  You are absolutely right watch out what you wish for!!!!

 I hope your doing all right with all your treatments

Dani

Jen44

Thanks Dani.  Overall the treatments have been okay.  The usual joint & muscle pain and of course the wonderful fatigue, but all in all not too bad.  I know people that have had it way worse than me so I won't complain (Well maybe just a little ).  I have completed 3 of my 6 TAC treatments, so half way done with at least that part. 

I haven't decided what I will go for as far as the boob situation.  The PS already told me that implants will probably not be possible.  I am not obese but I do have plenty of extra fat on my body so I am sure I will be able to get some sort of boobs   I use to be a full D, small DD so I am not worried about how big I am anymore.  Kind of been there done that kind of thing. 

I would say good luck with the operation, but I already know that everything will go great.  I will keep you in my prayers. 

Keep laughing,

Jenny

abbadoodles

Dani, no one ever made a stupid comment to me about bc because I never told anyone about it.  Best decision I ever made.

Tina

GardenGirl65

WOW. No way can I top that one! But someone did say, "Well, it's only DCIS. It's not like you have a really bad cancer." Don't ya think that's kind of like saying, "Well, he only gave you a black eye. It's not like he really beat you up."?

All my friends and family keep accusing me of making the off-color comments about my BC. Like, "Let's having a going away party for my boob." when I thought I was going to have to have a mastec. Or, "Let's still have a going away party, but we'll only get partially drunk since I only have to have a lumpectomy." Or, "Hey, maybe I can get my bras half-price from now on." LOL. I think it's hilarious. My mom thinks it horrifying.

Gotta laugh so ya don't have time to cry!

ophelia

Curlykat,

Your neighbor is deserving of the stupid human award.

Jen same goes for your cousin.  Unbelievable!!! I guess they're everywhere.

lynne4

Dani,

Did your mouth hit the floor when she said that? I would've been so hurt! I think people do not realize exactly how much emotional and physical baggage goes with this disease. I was fortuante that no one said anything directly to me. I have a cousin ( we are the same age and were friends in school) that is always telling my daughter how concerned she is for me. I had left mast 2 yrs ago in Feb. with recon.She knew about it at least a month before the surgery and has never sent a card or called. I do live in a different state than all of my family and friends. It makes me very angry that she tries to act like she cares when actually it's all for show. Anyway when I'm back in town I don't give her the time of day. This however does not even come close to your "friend"!

Blundin2005

Dump the "acquaintance" .... a friend wouldn't say that.

hooptiedoo

I am now a four-year survivor of breast cancer, but my mother-in-law and sister-in-law weren't so lucky. The worst thing ever said to me wasn't about me at all, it was about my sister-in-law. Worse, it was from my other sister-in-law, who hatefully said, "I think a lot of Peggy's problem is that she just feels sorry for herself!" My jaw hit the floor. Of course she was feeling sorry for herself! She was DYING! Leaving behind a husband, two children and a granddaughter. This happened at the grocery store, so she said it in public with other people present. I've never gotten over it and I've never been able to forgive her for saying it. Peggy was dead six months later. At the time of my diagnosis, we'd moved 750 miles away, so she didn't get a chance to say anything stupid to me.

lewisfamily503

Hey Dani- I LOVE your thread. What a thoughtless remark your friend made. Maybe she was making a stab at humor? I say, forgive and forget. Anyway, though, my thoughtless comment from a friend was:



"Well, I researched DCIS on the internet and it really isn't even cancer, so I don't see what the big deal is"



Uh--Whiskey Tango Foxtrot????? Last time I checked, this WAS cancer and I have a bilateral mastectomy to prove it.



Anne

MrsBee

The stupidest thing said to me was from a relative who'd had implants for breast augmentation in her younger days and had to have them removed.  This happened shortly after I was diagnosed and didn't know yet that I'd wind up needing bilateral mastectomies; my doctor thought we could get it all with lumpectomies and radiation (turned out not to be the case).  This relative was urging me to go ahead and get the mastectomies.  "Because I had implants and had to have them removed, so I know what it's like to have boobs and then lose them!"

Um, no, you don't know what it's like!  I called her hand on it, and we're no longer speaking (her choice).

carolsd

Mine isn't as bad as some of yours, but here goes.

Two old friends of mine got together over Thanksgiving (we all live in different states). They took a photo of themselves and put it in a card that had a joke on it about how all men want in a woman is "boobies." I don't remember the text exactly because I threw the card away. I thought it was tasteless and thoughtless and I was very surprised because usually they are considerate friends.

samntjsmom

Hi Dani,

My sisters response to my mother after my bi-lateral mastectomy.... "I guess she doesn't feel much like a woman now with both breasts removed"  People just don't think before they speak I suppose. 

Your thread caught my eye because we are about the same age and I also live in Stafford, VA.  I am currently in the "expanding" process after my Nov 9, 2007 bilateral mastectomy.  Recovery is going great, not nearly as scarey as I thought it would be.  I am back at work now (went back 4 weeks after surgery) PT/and temporarily until my diep flap surgery scheduled for Feb. 22. 

If you need a friend close by let me know. 

Theresa

jdash

great thread !  i always have this conversation with another bc friend of mine - we are always topping each other and talked about writing a book about all the stupid things people say   maybe we should all compile them and publish it!

i have soooooo many

one of the first right after i was dx was i was at a friends for a family dinner- i was chatting with her sister n law and she proceeded to tell me about her close friend who had bc cancer  she told me that she was so lucky to be alive since she had surpassed the 5 yrs that bc survivors live but she was sooo sick from complications from all the chemo and radiation treatment she had had  what a great way to make me feel better ! 

harvey

I was in the middle of chemo, no hair a moon face from the steriods and a bit yellow a my liver was not working to well. I felt like some thing the dog walked in.

To be told I had never loooked better or younger as all the lines and wrinkles had vanished, plus a tan suited me.

I'm really to look old and pale again

NoH8

Almost all of the stupid comments I've heard were laughable once I took a step back and tried to see things from the other person's perspective. At least in my case, I believe that the it's hard for people to know what to say, when trying to empathize and/or comfort and their words were coming from a good place. When I took the lead and talked about what was helpful and what wasn't, they understood better.

I was changing one say and my cousin asked me if I felt deformed (bilateral mastectomy w/o reconstruction). I could have interpretted this as her saying I was deformed, but saw it as she was trying to place herself in my shoes. I told her I didn't, this is just how I look now.