Exploring my own definition of looking like a girl

AlaskaDeb

I’m not sure where I’m going with this…..

I had a bilat mast with no recon in July of 06. I am fine with how I look naked. I have no problems with my DH seeing me naked. I am wearing forms when I am dressed to look “normal”…to ‘look like a girl”.

Wearing my bras with my silicone forms is not very comfortable. I’m a plus sized gal, and I wear a size 12 form. They are actually about half the size my breasts were (14 pounds removed during surgery) If I wear a bra more than 2 days in a row it compresses the dog-ears in my left auxiliary area badly enough I get a pressure sore. Two weeks ago I got one that ended up infected and is just now healing up

I can wear camisoles with lightweight foam forms that look OK too, but they ride up and when I sit down my big old belly pushes the forms up so they look like a shelf.

I guess I am telling you all this to explain that neither of the solutions is perfect. It FEELS so great to just wear a little cami or tank top and skip the forms, but I feel so conspicuous with no breasts…Maybe because I have such a big belly. I know a gal who is really fit who had a bilat mast. She looks great without forms, but somehow I don’t think I look “normal”.

I have been trying to evaluate what, exactly, bothers me. I really don’t know. How come I am willing to go through pain and infection to look “normal”? Why was I OK walking around bald during chemo, but I can’t seem to go without the forms in public? If I lost a hand, would I be embarrassed to be seen in public? Why do I feel so proud of other woman that go flat, yet I can’t seem to do it myself?

I truly have no interest in reconstruction. I don’t want to go through more surgery. I just wish I could find a way to feel comfortable without the forms. I never thought I was a vain person…but I guess I am. Somewhere down deep, I am ashamed to say that my image of my own femininity is tied up in having at least the illusion of breasts. I’m not sure how to change….

tos

Hi AlaskaDeb, I have not had a mastectomy, waiting on a path result today or tomorrow for a second lump on the other side and if it's c than I may go w/the mastectomy and like you have no desire really to do reconstruction.
I wish I could help you with a great suggestion, I'm sure some gals will jump in here with good thoughts. Have you tried just about everything you can think of as far as clothes go? And the image thing, maybe that takes time. Since we're all so different, your being comfortable w/being flat may come with getting more used to it.
I hope the good suggestions begin to fly in for you.
Good luck and a hug

Sandra1957

Deb - I had a bilateral a little over a year ago with delayed reconstruction started in October ( I currently have expanders). I too, thought that I might be okay without breasts. It was actually physically more comfortable, but emotionally and mentally I was very uncomfortable. I felt very conspicuous, like everyone knew that I was "cancer girl". Frankly, for me, I felt like a freak. I don't even know if anybody noticed, but I was too uncomfortable. So every morning I'd put on my boobs and every evening I'd take them off. If someone would come by or if I had to run an errand after I took them off I'd hesitate and think about whether I needed to put them on again. It was just too much thinking and a constant reminder of what BC took from me. I know that reconstruction is totally a personal choice but it's been the right one for me. I'd actually be okay with living with these rock hard expanders forever just not to have to think about putting on or taking off boobs again.

I don't know if it's vanity, self-image issues, or just plain old convenience, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to look like your old self with soft, pillowy breasts.

I hope that you find your "comfort" soon. I know in my heart and head that if my reconstruction does not work out I can and will adjust even if it means going flat. We are strong and mighty chicks, girl!! You be what you need to be.

Oh, is there anything that your PS can do about the dog ears?? They're miserable, aren't they.

Best to you always,

lini

samon

Hi Deb,

First off, you are not vain. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the way you were before. We all feel that way.

I also, had bilat mast with no recon. My suregery was one and a half years ago. I have those nasty dog ears too and I just hate them. My bra band is always irritating them. The suregeon said he could get rid of them, but I am not willing to have another surgery yet.

I do not go out in public without forms on. I am overweight and feel it would look too strange. I have silicone forms that I wear during the summer, but this winter (when I wear bulky clothes) I have been wearing my soft prosthesis in my mastectomy bras. It sure is lighter and they really do stay in place well. I very rarely wear my bra at home though. I just don't like that irritation on my dog ears. They even seem sore when I'm not wearing a bra.

I sure wish I had some answers for you, but it seems like I have many of the same questions you do. Although, my problem isn't as much about the going out in public as being with my hubby. He doesn't mind at all, but I just feel so unattractive. I know it's a mental thing, but I just can't feel sexy when I know that the physical thing most people associate with being sexy is missing. For some strange reason I didn't think it would be a problem, but it seems to be bothering me more and more.

I have thought about doing recon, but for me I am too scared of the surgery. I'm also afraid that I would go through all that and then it still wouldn't help because I would know they still aren't my real breasts and, of course, they wouldn't have the sensitivity of real breasts. I do think that is what I miss the most.

I wish you well, Deb and hope that some day we can all be comfortable with all the changes that have happened in our lives. Take care!

LuAnnH

Deb, society is just programmed girls have boobs and it is just normal to expect a woman to have them. I have found as more and more years go by I get more and more comfortable in how I look. I have no man in my life, my husband died when I was in rads in 1999. I have dated and been ok with a man seeing me lopsided. The first time was awkward but it got better. It has been 8 years and recently I started going out without my bra (lopsided) as long as I wear a loose shirt. I am by no means skinny, although I am getting better, down to almost an 18 in size now so I know what you mean about being overweight and naturally expecting boobs. I don't have the dog ears you speak of, my surgeon did a good job and I don't have that extra skin. I would see the ps and get those removed if you don't plan on recon. I think they leave those for extra skin in case you decide on the recon. My prothesis is silicone and is very comfortable. Have you tried different bras? I know the bra I wear makes a difference in how the prothesis feels.

I have been so good at rambling lately and I am doing it again. If I were you, I would see the ps, see what options you have for recon, look at before and after photos and get exactly what it would take for the recon. Honestly, the ps I saw didn't even want to do my recon if I elected to do it unless I lost more weight. But find out what needs to be done. After researching it, if you feel recon is not what you want, then I would get the dog ears removed. Once that is done, you may end up adjusting better to your new look and the feel of your prothesis.

LuAnn

Binney4

Deb, thanks for writing this. I don't have anything useful to share because I struggle with the same thoughts. I do so much admire those who go boldly breastless, especially those who do so as an act of solidarity with other BC sufferers. But when I try it, all I feel is humiliated. Like you, I was fine with being bald, but this is different.

Not sure I agee with you that it's vanity, though. Partly because, as you suggest, I don't think I 'd feel the same about losing a hand. Not that I'd feel nothing, of course, but just...it's different somehow.

I have thought about what some of the women say -- that breasts are a particular fetish of our society. But even that isn't quite true. I was an ethnology major in college, and I know that breasts are a fetish of EVERY culture. In most there are records in art of the importance of breasts as symbols of fertility and well-being. Statues and paintings from cultures across the world show women not just with the regulation 2, but with multiple breasts signifying the ultimate in femininity and productivity and nurturing -- all those things we rightly value.

So here we are, representing...what? Courage, certainly, and the triumph of our love and our will to live. But all the rest is missing. How to come to grips with it. I don't have any ideas. But I sure do appreciate your bringing it up, because it's not easy.

samon, like you I hate not having them for my DH, but that's improving as his gentle love for me and steady acceptance allow us to talk about it and share our feelings. Best wishes to you on this -- I feel your pain.

Deb, maybe a better bra would help? Have you read the "Great bra for LE concerns" thread on the LE board?

I do hope that as we journey forward this all gets clearer and better, and to tell you the truth, that's what I believe will happen for each one of us.

Love all you sisters!
Binney

LuAnnH

very well said Binney

caaclark

Hi Deb,

I am not sure I have anything to really add to what others have said. But, I do want you to know how much I enjoy all of your posts and your honesty is refreshing!

I had a single mast. this past July and have adjusted well. Never wanted recon. and I don't think I will change my mind about that. I feel fairly comfortable with my body and I know that my husband is ok with it (not that his thoughts on the matter had any basis on my decision). I have to admit that I do have the occational time when I get undressed and see myself in the mirror and think, "Damn, I forgot I only have one boob." I know none of this helps you but I think lots of us have the issues you are struggling with. For me, because I am small, (only a size 2 pros.) the prosthetic and bras that I have are incredibly comfortable. But, it did take some time and effort to find the right fit for me. I don't think I would ever leave the house without a breast form but mostly because I only had a single mast so for me the lopsided thing is an issue. That being said, there is a woman at church who sings in front of everyone and she gets up every week with only one boob. She is fairly large and it is pretty noticeable but she certainly seems comfortable. I know I could not do that so I do admire her confidence. The funny thing is, is that I am a confident, strong woman but I guess not confident enough to go out with only one boob.

I don't think I have helped you at all but I did want to let you know that we understand. And for me the hair thing was huge-never went out without a wig or hat with hair. Of course, I always admired those women who could confidently go out topless-I just was not one of them.

I am really hating breast cancer this week!!

Brendatrue

I have to admit that I do have the occational time when I get undressed and see myself in the mirror and think, "Damn, I forgot I only have one boob."

When I read this, I had to smile. This happens to me all the time--and it has been almost 9 months since I had my mastectomy. I often think that I would be more comfortable being in the world a la natural if I did not have my other breast, but perhaps I am deluding myself. I imagine that, because I have always had relatively small breasts, that the change would be 'barely noticeable.' However, the lopsided part seems to draw attention, and I just don't yet feel comfortable with that in public. Actually, I did go out in public right after the surgery with no breast form because I almost wanted to dare someone to say something about it. That passed. I am still fairly fashion conscious (not trendy, truly, but I enjoy looking 'put together' loosely speaking), and presenting only one breast to the world makes me feel a little too different. And this from a woman who has been proud of being different otherwise!

I wonder, if for me, this discomfort has something to do with my own desire to be like the old me, not really the physical old me, but the psychological old me--the one who did not experience in one way or another (like looking in the mirror)"Damn, I forgot that I had cancer." Does that make sense to anyone else?

And Deb, thanks for your honesty, wit, and courage. I always enjoy reading your posts. Binney, I appreciated your input very much.

Looking forward to more conversation....
Brenda

ArmyNavyMom

Hugs, Deb. So sorry you are struggling.

I'm a bilat like you, but I very rarely wear the prosths I bought. They are not comfy, just too heavy, and I've decided that I'm going to get/make some lighter ones. I'm currently working with the crocheted Tit Bit pattern that some one created. Possibly you could try the foam ones instead of silicon.

I think it's odd that the weight of these forms seems heavy, because I was bigger real than what I bought 34D, down to a #4.

I've not noticed anyone noticing. In fact one of my male friends made a funny comment. A week after my masts I bumped into him and the conversation rolled around to my telling him about the cancer. He asked whether they were going to do surgery - I laughed and said that at least I knew he wasn't staring at my chest, because 'all gone'. He stared at me for a minute, turning beet red, then we both started laughing till the tears flowed. That helped me some how.

Deb, I think I would talk to your PS about the dog ears. If they didn't bother you and cause discomfort, it would be one thing, but I should think they'll be able to help you with this. Sores, especially ones that get infected, are bad!

Good luck. Remeber - You Are Beautiful! Dammit!

Anne

c2et

Dear AlaskaDeb:

Thanks for offering your thoughtful insights. I also had a bilat mast. without reconstruction and I have many of the same feelings you do.

Since I didn't wear a bra before bc because I was flat chested I haven't tried a prosthesis yet. Also, my chest area was really sensitive for a longest time and I couldn't stand to have anything on that wasn't loose. Before my bilat mast my surgeon said I wouldn't look that much different as I was small, but I do!!! My clothes don't fit in the same way and I feel unbalanced. That along with my new big stomach and weird post chemo hair has done a number on my vanity. I'm hoping that with time I'll come to accept my "new body" and the surgeries and treatment will become a distant memory.

I wish I could say something more profound but I don't even have the answers for myself. Our culture puts a big stock on appearance. Even though we may believe that beauty is from within we are subliminally bombarded by cultural standards of beauty from our earliest years. I've been trying to get past these notions but it's going to take more time for me!!!

All the best.

cheryl58

Hi Deb! First off, I just need to say that I just love you! You are always so witty, funny and I always look forward to your posts! Having said that, as everybody else has said before me, this is tough. We, as women, are bombarded with ads for makeup, hair products, clothes and yes, bras! (If I have to watch one more Victoria's Secret "Secret Embrace" commercial, I am going to scream!) Ever since we were little girls and our mothers dressed us up, we have been reminded to be "feminine".

I had bilateral masts in June 2006. I am trying so hard to "move beyond" but am struggling terribly. I think a big part of it for me is the daily reminder when I shower and put my "boobs in a bra" on. I am vain (I have come to realize) and do not go without some form of prosthesis (silicone when out and leisure forms when in the house).

I am considering recon with expanders/implants. I really don't want anymore surgery though, so I just cannot make a decision yet. If I have to look at my life positively, then I would like to believe I will be around for another 20,30 or 40 years. If that is the case, I am just not sure that I want those years to be "breastless".

I wish I could say something more insightful but I got nothing. I guess I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone. I struggle every day with the new "physical" me, and I do believe that this is hindering the new me from moving forward.

Take care, Deb! We will find our way out of this somehow!
Cheryl

Angelflight

Deb,
I am soooooo glad you posted this. I too am a plus size gal and am having alot of the problems you're going through. Here's my dilema. I had left breast mast and still have the big boob next to it. So even if I was to get a form which I'm not sure I'm going to because of the discomfort everyone big says about them it would never look like the other one anyway. Besides why bother if it's going to ride up etc. I too can't leave the house without a bra and wasn't doing it temp after surgery because it was cold outside and had a jacket on so nobody knew anyway. Here's what I did. When I had the mast I was told to pick up a Softee so it would hold the drain tubes etc which I did. Not only that but I picked up the 2 breast forms (cotton fabric over stuffing). They turned out to be the most comfortable things I could have imagined. Not only that but the forms have an opening in the back kind of like a pillow cover and you can add or remove the filling as desired. My only dilema is that I'm afraid the cami will be warm to wear in the summer months. I definitely have a problem with my bra strap in the shoulder area where I had the node removal and by the time I get home I can't wait to rip it off. I was thinking about making a pattern of the original cami and making them short (like just under the bra area) rather than the full length for summer. I really need the support of the bra which I can put the soft cups into but at present just can't keep doing it as the node removal area is just driving me nuts.
Angel

Erica3681

Deb,

Thank you for starting this thread. What strikes me from reading the responses so far is that most of us have healed up really well from the basic mastectomy surgery. For myself, when I don't have my prostheses on, I feel totally "whole" in terms of my ability to do absolutely all physical things I could do before--no restrictions. So, from a physical point of view, I feel even more comfortable without a bra than I did when I had breasts.

BUT then there's the vanity thing. I'm actually very small--5'4 1/2" and 110 pounds. I honestly think I look completely in proportion without any boobs at all. I even kind of like the "boyish" look--when I'm at home in front of my own mirror, that is. I just can't bring myself to go out of the house like that. I had my surgery in early October and I've been on a quest to find a comfortable solution that looks good. I have found some good options, but I still feel very aware of being breastless every day. For intimate moments with my DH, I have these wonderful PALS inexpensive breast forms with headlight nipples that I wear in a sleep bra. They turn my husband on (believe it or not) and (even more surprising) me, too. BUT, I have to remember to put them on, or get out of bed and put them on. It kind of cuts into the spontaneity. My husband tells me he doesn't care if I wear them or not, that he finds me attractive totally flat--but I'm self-conscious about it.

I'm not even six months out of surgery, so I guess I'll get more used to these things, but I thought it would feel more natural, sooner.

I feel fortunate that I don't have the dog ears. Actually, it was reading these boards that alerted me to the possibility and I asked my breast surgeon to make sure I had no extra skin. That has helped, both aesthetically and comfort-wise. DEB, if those dog ears are actually causing sores, I really encourage you to see a plastic surgeon. I believe the procedure for tightening things up is very minor, outpatient. As it is now, they seem hazardous to your health. Having constant sores and occasional infections is NOT a good thing.

I do have the impression that it's harder for the plus size gals to feel comfortable with prostheses. But we all seem to experience at least some psychological effects of the loss of our breasts. I spend half the year in Miami, where it's a truly boob-obsessed culture. You wouldn't believe the cleavage that people show around here. And it doesn't take an expert to pick out the (many) women with implants. It gets so extreme around here that sometimes it seems grotesque. There's also a more sane, normal bunch of people around, which is why we like living here, but I found that when we went back to Boston for a couple of weeks in December, it was a relief to not see decolletage everywhere I looked.

When I have moments of feeling sad about losing my breasts, it really does help me to remind myself that by having the bilaterals, I've done everything I possibly can to prevent a recurrence (I've already had bc twice). I also look at my nice scar-free abdomen (well, not counting the c-section scar at the bikini line) and back and just don't want to risk the possible complications of more surgery. Having had radiation on one side, implants are not an option I'd pursue. And, having watched my mother-in-law suffer for over thirty years with stage 4 lymphedema, I want to do everything I can to minimize my chances of that--more surgery would only increase the risk, especially lat flap coming under the axilla, and lat flaps were the recommended recon for me. Also, I do feel that if I had a recurrence, having no recon is the best way to pick it up quickly. I'm a worrier and I know I'd worry about a recurrence being hidden under a tissue reconstruction.

Also, I do read the Reconstruction board and see that while some women are very happy with their results, many struggle with the same issues of self-image as we do. Their breasts may look good in clothes, but not so great in the nude. So, while life with no breasts has its challenges, I still can't imagine getting reconstruction.

Deb, in addition to the idea of cleaning up the dog ears, have you considered getting even smaller, lighter forms? They might not look 100% proportionate, but maybe would be more comfortable and better than nothing. I mentioned on another thread the Airway forms I'm now using--they're called Tritex. They have a soft microfiber back but are otherwise lightweight silicone. Because there's no silicone on the back, I find that I'm more comfortable for a longer time. I wear them both in regular bras and in pocketed ones. I know they're expensive, but maybe next time your insurance lets you, you could try them out. Or the Amoena Climate Controls. Or another thought, the clear concave swim forms--only the perimeter silicone is against the chest, so when I wear them for exercise, I don't perspire as much. I use Nearly Me's, but other companies make similar ones. One more thought: if your dog ears are under the axilla, could you wear a bra that doesn't come up quite so high and therefore doesn't rub as much. I imagine you've thought of (and even tried) many of these solutions. Hope you find one that works.

Barbara

roseg

Barbara - I can so relate to what you say about Miami! We were down there last spring, and I swear, I was so depressed.

I was always small chested and had this silly idea that sun wasn't good for your skin so it's not like I ever really was into flashing boobs. Everywhere I looked there were breasts. I live in the Mid-Atlantic region and travel to a big city requires a little dressing up, but often that means putting more on, not less!

I will never go someplace like that again without a plan. For me that means sleeveless tops that show off nice arms, and a big hat to pull my eyes up. Cute shoes, a shorter skirt - any of those things help me take my mind off the breasts I'm self-conscious about.

It's really about how I feel. If I go into a place like that prepared to fancy up some other part I'm OK, otherwise it is just an invitation to be in a pity-party funk!

susanmcm

Hi Deb,
I didn't get a mastectomy, I had 2 lumpectomies in my left breast and so now I am very lopsided. I don't like to wear bras anymore. they are never comfortable. My "uniform" has become a loose white tank top and then I wear a loose shirt over it. Not a very feminine look, but comfortable. This has been an incentive for me to try to lose weight. I'm overweight and the "blob" look leaves me feeling pretty pathetic. (I hope I'm not depressing everybody. This has been rumbling around in my head for a while)

Another vanity problem for me is my hair. Since being on Arimidex my hair has gotten so thin, I wear wigs if I need to leave the house. (True Confessions) I was overweight before but at least I had nice hair. No more. You can see my scalp everywhere. During chemo I went without hair. When it first came back I was thrilled. Now it's so thin I'm embarrased. I wish I wasn't so upset about how I look. I'm working on it. Actually, maybe it's good for me to get this out and start talking about it. Thanks for bringing this up Deb, even if it is a difficult subject.

xo
susan

badboob67

Hi Deb! I had a single mast last February. I wear a size 9 prosthesis, so going out without wearing it would feel very strange to me. I had been thinking if I had a bilateral, I would be more comfortable with it. I'm glad I read your post. It seems like no matter which route any of us goes, there are going to be issues.

I hardly ever wear a bra--let alone a prosthesis--when I'm at home. Of course, I've made some mad dashes to slap on my bra/pros when someone comes by unexpectedly! So far, just my immediate family, my parents, and one of my brothers has seen me lopsided. They don't say anything; they're just glad I'm still around!

Anyway, I've tried several different solutions.I liked the AMOENA CAMI that they gave me in the hospital post-surgery. I wore it with the fiberfill prosthesis for six months because the physician's assistant I spoke to at my post-op mis-spoke and told me I couldn't wear anything but a leisure bra and fiberfill pros for 6 MONTHS rather than 6 WEEKS post surgery!! It was forever "riding up" and I was always lopsided. I wore lots of loose-fitting blouses, etc. to try to camouflage the discrepancy. Then, a week before my birthday, I got a silicone prosthesis. I was so happy! I remember going up to my girlfriend at church telling her I got a new boob, opening my jacket, and grinning like a mule eating briars. Well....although I like that there are more choices in clothing that I can wear now, the novelty has worn off. My mast bras have grown uncomfortable and my prosthesis seems so heavy now. UGH.

I bought a lightweight foam prosthesis for swimming (which basically acts as a floatation device and ends up somewhere around my chin when I'm swimming--I am constantly fiddling with it.) I think my constant readjusting of the swim boob is more attention-drawing than being lopsided!

Anyway, I did want to offer this bit of advise because it may work for you. It worked for me while I was wearing the fiberfill form exclusively. I think it was in the ACS after mastectomy booklet. What you do is get some soft "underwear" elastic at the fabric store. The length of the elastic should be the distance between the bottom of your bra to your underwear, times two. You sew each free end of the elastic to the bottom of your bra, centered under each cup. This will leave a loop of elastic hanging from the front of your bra. Then, you take the loop, find the center, and pin the elastic to the waistband of your underwear. Kind of like suspenders, I guess! This helped keep my boob in place much better and was actually quite comfortable. I had planned on putting a snap on the loop and sewing a snap on the waistband of all of my underpants, but I never got around to it. You can also do this on the backside of your bra, too, if you find that you need more stability. This way, you can use the lightweight, fiberfill (or knitted prosthesis) and a leisure-type (comfy!) bra with stability comparable to a silicone prosthesis. You might want to shorten the elastic and see if it helps with the "shelf" issue you talk about when sitting down. I'm also on the heavy side, so I can understand what you're talking about!!

I remember when I went to get fitted for my prosthesis. The fitter asked me "WHEN" am I going to have my reconstruction. My response was that I'd rather lose the other breast than go through the pain/surgeries/etc. involved with reconstruction, just so I could look better in my clothes. She started to launch into a speech about how EASY recon is and how HAPPY I would be with the results. My mom was with me and cut the fitter a look that stopped her dead in her tracks. The truth is, I have extensive mets and my doctors aren't even offering the option of recon now because they don't think I'll be around long enough to get through it all. THAT is another matter...I intend to be around for quite some time!!

Good luck, Deb. I wish this wasn't so hard for you!!

Binney4

BB, you're an inspiration, you know that? Love it!
Binney

starzhere

Hi, Deb.
I agree with Barbara, getting rid of the dog ears is a priority. Try stuffing your bra with soft fiberfill. Foam breast forms are too firm and will ride up.

It seems like you are more self concious about your weight, since you did say that you think your thin friend looks fine without the breast forms.

Hang in there - Elaine

dianne1981

Deb,Boy,did I need to read about your feelings today!
I had my bilateral last June w/o reconstruction.Like you, I dont wear the prostheses as they are really uncomfortable!Most days,I am fine going out "flat",although I'm not brave enough to wear a tight shirt in public.I dont seem to get many stares,but maybe that's more about being 45 than being flat.... Anyway,I have found that the few insensitive comments I've gotten have come from the most unexpected sources,and they shake the very core of my fragile self-esteem!Recently, I was questioned by a co-worker bc survivor who had recon.She was really sure that recon was the only choice, and kept badgering me as to why I really wont do it! Unbelieveable! Then,today,my new GYN ( a woman)was so insensitive-I went for my first annual visit since the surgery and was self-conscious to begin with (which I told her).She made comments like "why wouldn't you get recon?" and "of course neither choice would look good without clothes.." and "were you small breasted before?That probably makes it easier to get used to be flat" and (yes there's more)"well, at least you dont need to get a mammogram anymore"! I couldn't think of any witty remarks.I was too surprised.
So,Deb,my dilemma is how to keep my self esteem up in the face of insensitive doctors and other women.I am so proud of myself for doing everything possible to prolong my life,for being strong enough to look at this ugly chest every day w/o crying, for still putting on my best clothes and facing the world. Would they treat us differently if it was a missing arm or leg? I often wonder the same thing.Just talking to you and the other ladies here now is taking the sting out of today already.Maybe that's the best we can do.
Dianne

djd

I am also starting to face the reality of being lop-sided. I haven't left the house in anything tigher than a sweatshirt yet, but this weekend is NASCAR at Texas Motor Speedway. My dad and I have season tickets and I usually wear shorts and a t-shirt. At this point I am completely at a loss as to what I will wear this weekend, and I can't get it off my mind.

It's too soon for a prosthesis. I have a cami ordered and it should be here tomorrow, but I'm afraid it will be too warm to wear it. My other boob is a C-cup so the difference is quite noticeable if I wear anything that is remotely form-fitted.

To off-set my self-consciousness, I'm going to get a pedicure and a manicure before Saturday

dianne1981

DJD,
I live in Florida,so I dont get away with sweatshirts much-I know what you mean! Try shorts and a tank top under a shirt that buttons.I found some really light,loose, comfortable shirts in consignment shops. As some ladies said, patterns also help distract from the shape,too.Then,go and have fun.Remember,you had this surgery so that you could be here to enjoy things like NASCAR ....so go enjoy it!That's what really matters.
Dianne

dianne1981

Donna,
PS-I do worry sometimes a bout how weird I must look,and do have trouble finding outfits for some occassions.It does at times really ruin my fun.But,then I remind myself that I'm ALIVE,and how I look is minor compared to that.Hang in there. Dianne

ArmyNavyMom

Dianne - I can't believe how insensitive your gyn and coworker are. To me that is simply inapropriate behavior, and inapropriate behavior is to be ignored.

To me self esteem comes from within. We are all beautiful people on the inside, the outside, whether scared, radiated, reconstructed or whatever is just a shell. I could see the beauty in you from your post. Look in the mirror and you'll see it too! There's a Bett Midler song that says it all - "I'm Beautiful, Dammit!"

Anne

roseg

Dianne - I think your GYN was questioning you more from her own curiosity than any professional viewpoint.

I find that people are rarely thinking of YOU when they spout off these insensitive things.

More often than not they're speaking from their own insecurities. So you have total permission to ignore them because basically that's about what they're doing to you. If only they'd grown up with my mother whose favorite line was "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all".

dianne1981

Anne and Rose,
Thank you both for your kind words.You are absolutely right! I guess I need to build a "thicker skin".
It seems to be a consensus among all of us that sometimes we're feeling strong and are ok with our changed bodies....other times we're still pretty fragile.I wonder if it gets easier as time goes on?
Dianne

kimmymacbu

This is such an interesting thread. I had a right mast 9/06, and just finished up rads, and was told it would be at least another year till I could get recon if at all. So I am preparing emotionally for being lopsided for a while, if not my whole life. I still need to get an Rx for a 'real' prosthesis -- just been wearing the puffs. I often just stick a puff in between the 2 layers of a cami with a shelf bra and wear a shirt/blouse over that - worked well in hot weather. I am starting to go out lopsided -- usually in a big shirt.

I keep telling myself, I did nothing wrong, so there is nothing to be ashamed of, and, if I saw someone in public without their hand or arm or leg prosthesis, would I be freaked out? No - so what is the big deal with no breast? The main reason I wear one is for my 7 year old son and to a lesser extent, my 5 year old daughter -- so he feels comfy and doesn't worry about questions or comments (or teasing) from his friends.

My hair is covering my scalp now, but with chubby cheeks, I don't look so hot with not much hair. But lately I have been wearing just a bandana, so you can see nape of neck, etc.

I wore a puff to yoga class the other night and it kept sliding around and getting in my way, so I think I'll just go lopsided next time -- it's all women, and half of them know I have BC, and I just think we BC women have to stop hiding our disease for the comfort of others (something that I do -- but doing it for my kids is okay I think) I gotta keep telling myself how much I admire the bald woman I saw at Target, or reading about the woman who sings at church lopsided -- we've already been through so much -- we shouldn't have to be uncomfortable to boot. I read some quote in Oprah Mag. about how, when a horse is injured, and the flesh grows back darker and thicker, they call it "proud flesh" -- I try to remind myself of these things when I am feeling sad about some of the clothes I can't wear anymore. I am blessed with a hubby who seems like he could care less if there is only one now. And, I am trying to make the rest of my body, that I can control (somewhat), look better by exercising and eating well, since those things could also prevent a recurrance.

It's so helpful to read everyone's concerns and thoughts on this subject. Thank you all -- Kim

cmorris58

Hi Erica/Barbara
I have been "lurking" this site for a long time but was so encouraged by your post about how your husband and you have returned to such a good time in the bedroom together. This is my first post to forgive me if I am being in appropriate. The account of your and his enjoying your pals just warmed my heart. As usual we think we are alone when these things happen to us and your story, I say it in several places was great.

I am a 5 year survivor and like you had a bilateral mast. Fortunately for me two this helped, first I have always been "flat chested" very much so and so the change in outward appearance was not too great. Because I had to little breast tissue I had always checked myself twice a month and quite frankly assumed being so small there was little chance of having bc. Obviously I was very very wrong. The good part it was caught very early. I decided much like you that I did not want to worry and had the "good" one removed also. I also told the surgeon that I did not want reconstruction as there was nothing to reconstruct to make it as neat as possilbe.

I have some proth but because even a size 0 is bigger than I was I only use them occasionally. However, and the point of my story, since the beginning my dh has totally loved the "new me". Like you for about a year or two I used the proths in a stretchy bra and we have great fun, as you note surprisingly. It has been a real confidence builder.

I did note someplace that you weree thinking about some attachable nipples, I have several pair, I buy these like you buy protheses and wear them a lot. He goes just crazy over them and makes me feel sexier than I ever did. I would encourage you to try them. They cover some of the scar and make me feel less vunerable.

Cate
P.s. We have even gotten to the point of being together in bed with me completely flat and we both enjoy it.

Erica3681

Hi Cate,

Thanks so much for posting. I'm really glad you identified with my comments. I agree that one of the best things about these boards is that they make us feel less alone. Just when I think I'm the only one experiencing a particular thing, I read about someone else here who's also going through it, too.

It sounds as if you've made a great adjustment to your post-mastectomy body. Your husband sounds fantastic. I told mine about the attachable nipples--he was kind of interested!! Where do you get yours and what brand are they?

I wasn't flat before my surgery (34 B/C), so it doesn't feel quite natural to go flat now but I sometimes still wish I had the guts. Maybe someday . . . But I've been glad that, even though the PALs provided a nice addition to my intimate times with my DH, lately I haven't felt the need for them as much. My husband apparently finds me attractive with or without. Recently, we had a kind of "breakthrough". Although I've never been shy about him seeing my flat chest, I felt uneasy about him touching it. I thought it might be a real turnoff for him. But lately, we've even crossed that threshold and it was nice, and a real relief.

Since it sounds as if you usually don't wear your prostheses, how do you deal with the flat chest when dressing--do you wear camisoles? or tight tees? If I could find a way to feel less exposed when going flat, I would consider giving it a try. This weekend, I was bitten by something (mosquito or spider) and wouldn't you know it, got three bites on my chest, one right on the bra line. I was so itchy, I could hardly stand to wear my bra (it was on the radiated side and felt ultra-sensitive). I longed to just take it off and go flat.

It's great to hear from someone like you, who's five years out and happy with the decision not to reconstruct.

Barbara

BoobsinaBox

Dear Barbara,

I lurk more than anything, but you asked a question I know something about. I had a bilat 4 May 2006, no reconstruction. I had a lot of nerve pain and scar tissue, and I had 3 months of PT twice a week just to get back to life. I finally went for prostheses in mid-November, and I found that wearing them in the only comfortable bra I could find was helpful because it kept things tight against my chest, instead of always moving around and rubbing. I had not thought I would wear the pros, because I had spent months getting used to being flat and wearing close-fitting cotton tank tops, alone or under other things. I actually found I felt better while I had the bra and pros on, but when I took them off at night, I had more pain. Finally, about 6 weeks ago, I decided to go back to wearing tank tops instead of the bra & pros. Within two days, I was feeling much more comfortable, and I am much happier. I still feel self-conscious sometimes about being flat, but I have decided that I'd rather be comfortable. I also find that I get to do a lot of educating other people about bc. They usually don't ask directly, but I can tell when they have interest, and I respond.

As for clothes, I have found a number of really nice looking things at Coldwater Creek that are unstructured - no darts or shaping, so that the jacket or top or dress hangs gracefully from my shoulders, and I tell myself that I'm not that much flatter than Audrey Hepburn was, and she was my idol when I was a teenager! (I'm 60 now.) I discovered Coldwater Creek online when I was in the Race for the Cure last September. They are major sponsors, and I signed up for the online catalog. I bought a bunch of cotton tank tops last summer (Target, Wal-Mart...) and wore them almost all the time, because I had so much nerve pain under my arms that I couldn't handle sleeves at all. I wore light-weight ponchos over them, and graduated to light-weight, crocheted sweaters, as PT helped me.

I think the best part of going flat is that I feel like myself, instead of knowing that the boobs are a fake. I had been very up-front (no pun intended) with a lot of people from diagnosis through surgery, and I always felt apologetic when I hugged someone who knew, and they had that little, startled look for a second. Now I know they know, or I tell them, if they look too long. It is amazng how many people have come to me with their own cancer diagnoses since then.

Sorry I got too long-winded. I hope you find both the courage and joy of going flat, if you really want to do it. I know it is not for everyone, but it has been wonderful for me.

Dawn

cmorris58

Hi Barbara
Thanks for your post, it is so encouraging to find someone else who has had similar experiences. At to where to get the nipples, I generally find them on line, I am way too embarassed to buy the from my fitter. It just seems to be so personal a thing and further I have to admit that I am using them w/o the prostheses and attaching them to my chest. I currently have bought them fro Lucy's www.lucys.net they have a "house" brand that is flatter and is larger than most is is about 2.5 inches in diameter and so covers a lot of my scar. However, I checked tonight before writing this and they are out of the large size so you have to go with the smaller. Also Camp makes them and you can find them at undiebox.com. We, my dh and I have developed this little ritual when I get new ones, I wait to open the box until we are alone and then we do it together and attach them. I hope that does not sound too strange but it is a great time for us.

I am glad that you have arrived at letting your dh touch you there, that was a big thing for me too. Even though there was never much their and he was crazy abouth them still now to just have two scars was initially tough. but like you when I finall let him do it I really enjoyed it and amazingly so did he. He can never quite explain what is so attractive about being so flat but who cares, I just find it exciting.

As to what I wear, this is kind of embarassing but i sometimes use bras that I buy in the teen undie area of the stores. I could do that before the surgery but still it is embarassing. I also make use of braletters One problem and you mentioned it is that there is the ride up problem.

Anyhow thank you for responding and is is so good to find another couple who have worked through this experience.
Cate