Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

viddie

Hi,

Joni,
Congratulations!! It must be a great feeling to be done. When you read this, you will be. Have a nice restful day- You are done!!!!

Chemobrain: It has certainly been a rollercoaster- I took some time off- I am afraid to weigh people wrong- LOL- I work for WW- members would not think that was funny if I weighed them wrong- transposed the numbers. Thinking of right words can be challenging right now. I also do a lot of editing on this board.Hopefully it should end soon.

Mizsissy - Quote:
"You are really thinking about some life-altering changes. Take your time. Right now we are all tired, hormones out of whack, and under the influence of way too many drugs. NOT the best time to be making life-changing decisions. We are here to listen."

I couldn't have said it better. Jan is right- and so is Skye. Give yourself time to recover. I cry for no reason at any given time and my dh tells me that I should remember when I am having dark thoughts that is the emotion of the illness I am feeling, and not the real me- if that makes any sense. Please hang in there. We are here for you.

Viddie

skyedivine

Joni- chiming in with super good wishes for your last chemo! Let us know how it goes! - Skye

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING

Joni...excitement and congratulations. It's not over 'til it's over...you still have a week or so of feeling the effects, and then several weeks--at least--of recovery.

Fatigue--I was so excited about finishing chemo that I planned way too much the first month I was out. I got myself over-tired and exhausted. Now that I am starting rads I have decided I am going to take it easy, resist social invitations, and sleep as late as I can every morning for the entire six weeks. My body needs it, and so will yours. IowaCindy, Joni, it's time to take a little break from life I think. Rest. Recover spiritually & mentally as well as physically. Get some fresh air & exercise.

Chemo Brain...I feel fully recovered from that problem; my fog usually lasted only a few days but it got worse through treatment. One way to deal with it I thought was to Lean into it, accept it as part of the healing process...just float through it. The mental blurps, the little spaces on the tape that get erased will come back with time. According to the lit, it can take one or two years...but just for encouragement, I've been out over a month and I feel like I've totally got my brain back and it's the best part of getting better.

I'll continue more of the story I started earlier a little later on....thanx for your kind words Skye & Jan, there's more to tell...

Mizsissy

skyedivine

Jan, sorry I posted your quote as from Rebecca, I just realized that. LOL, how appropriate for a posting on chemo-brain! I think I'm going to miss having chemo-brain for an excuse when it's finally over. It sounds much more important and plausible than "senior moments." - Skye

viddie

TPPJ,
Condo by the beach sounds like a great plan!!!

Terry,
I hope tae is feeling better today.

Lynn,
I hope you are feeling better today.

Amera, The game must have been so much fun- and what a seat!!! My son is going today- hopefully it will stop raining. I haven't been to a Red Sox game in years. It sounds like so much fun. I wonder how the Marathon will turn out today.

My first taxol/herceptin is this Thursday. Hopefully the 12 weekly will be okay.
More than chemobrain, I have become increasingly more anxious. This Pl think is driving me nuts. I can't seem to let it go. My surgeon has not called me back yet. Now I have 3 appointments for Pl's and I have to cancel one. I want her opinion. My sister works at the hospital that I will be having my surgery and she asked the nurses who work with both PL's. They told her that Dr. not warm and fuzzy is not their choice and I should definitely with go with Dr. warm & fuzzy- not only is he w & f, but he is an artist and they all love him. I should listen to the nurses who work with them, right??
See, I cannot let it go. I should take an ativan, but I haven't taken one since last week and I can sleep now. I have to find a way to relax.
Thanks for listening.
Viddie

Lynn12

Good Morning from the fog zone!

Lots of messages to read and I don't remember all I wanted to respond to, but here goes:

Joni my friend! Way to go, I'm thinking about you knowing this is the last time! hang in there. {{{{{{{joni}}}}}}}}}

Mizsissy, ditto to Skye and Jan's comments. None of us know why this terrible disease happened to us and now probably isn't the time to come to any conclusions on that either. We're all here for you!

Cindy, I feel the same as you do, I don't think I've stopped to breathe for a moment since my dx in November. Although I'm not workign full time, I have a high stress job and getting the 20 hours is difficult to say the least. I do have some time away planned in the next year that I am hoping will allow me to reflect.
Long weekend in Florida (May)
week of vacation w/ dh (July)
week of vacation in NH with dh, daughter and friend (August)
week at a conference at a beautiful resort in Palm Dessert Ca (October)
long weekend in the bahamas w/ oldest daughter, sister and neice (November)
week in Cancun w/ friends (Feb 08)
Not to mention the 4 - 6 weeks recovery from reconstruction Nov/Dec. So at this time, I'm not thinking aobut asking for more time off from work. I'm working almost 100% from home now and when I go back full time, I work 3 days from home, which helps.

Losing words, yep, happening to me too. When I was getting my infusion last Friday, dh had to finish a few sentences for me...I was very aware. Scares me hte most when I'm in a meeting at work.

Lynn12

oops, didn't mean to hit the continue button, guess that's someone saying I'm done for now..have a nice day.

Rebecca

Quote:

---

Jan, sorry I posted your quote as from Rebecca, I just realized that. LOL, how appropriate for a posting on chemo-brain! I think I'm going to miss having chemo-brain for an excuse when it's finally over. It sounds much more important and plausible than "senior moments." - Skye

---

Whats worse is that I actually stopped to think if I actually wrote that.

Nancyab

Day 3 after taxol and I am miserable. I started crashing yesterday afternoon and that upset me because DH and I were going to run errands and visit his Grandmother in the assisted living home. I couldn't do it. I feel like the flu has hit me yet my fingers and feet are numb. I have been having nose bleeds and I never have those.
I can relate to "loss of words" I stumble over sentences so much my family thinks I am delirious.
Mizsissy, are you feeling depressed? I am worried about where you are going with your last post.

Rebecca

Oh Mizsissy...take it easy and do not do anything rash NOW of all times. I do not think any of us are equipped to make major life changing decisions at this stage.....heal from your last wounds before you contemplate more.

Well, NJ is in a fine state today...Offical state of emergency, Governer in Critical (but stable) condition. Would you guys beleive that they are probably going to issue him a ticket for not wearing his seatbelt? What a strange world we live in.

Glad you poked up out of the fog Lynn. I was forced out by work this morning. I was hoping to get off easy, but no such luck, and I even had students in class today! I did individual conferences today, so I did not have to be quite as quick on my feet as normal...which is good because I am reduced to a hobble that is so pathetic that it makes my 86yr old Grandma look nimble.

Joni-congrats on your last chemo. I think I would be crying too...the only problem is figuring out what the tears are from...Joy? Fear? Both? I am terrified to even consider my last chemo...and for me that is not even close to the end of my treatment (rads and then AGES of hormone therapy). Allow yourself your tears, you have earned them, and consider yourself hugged by your BC sister in Edison.

I have all my kids today, and I had plans for a playdate, so off we go. I see an early bedtime in my future tonight

Caya

Good morning ladies,

I think the chemo brain issue is so relevant - when I sit down to type these messages, I very often transpose the letters - i.e. I'll type chmeo for chemo etc. I can't tell you how many times I have to preview the post and correct before I hit the continue - and like you Skye I have hit continue by accident!! And yes I think we all need the rest more than we realize - In my former life, BBC (Before Breast Cancer)- I was a doer- I enjoy cooking and baking - I am famous for my choc. chip cookies and the neighbourhood children would knock on my door to see if I had any cookies for them ( and I always did - even if they were in the freezer, I'd microwave a few of them)... also I sing in my synagogue choir, and we mostly perform at senior's homes, hospitals etc. I really miss this.
Amera - loved the story about your laundry woes - you just gotta laugh it off, don't worry, this too shall pass.
Cindy, Tina, Rebecca ( and probably most of us on this board) - I hear you about running "full tilt". As most of you know, DH had a brain aneurysm in Jan. 2006, so my life here has been a rollercoaster ride since then. I had to basically run our business, worry about DH (who thankfully fully recovered, although it took alot of time), help our two daughters cope with the stress, and just as things were beginning to get back to normal, I get this crappy diagnosis, out of the blue, after being a good girl and having my mammogram and breast ultrasound at the end of June 2006 ( all clear - lol). So I go in for my breast reduction Oct. 16, 2006, PS finds the tumour, and I start this nightmare journey on Oct. 26th, when he got the pathology back and told us. I think my brain and nerves have been in ultra stress overdrive for such a long time that I have been numb and basically "out of it". I guess I am just venting here, but there are days when I really think about my bizzare situation, with both my husband and I so ill in such a short time frame, and I can barely cope. Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am, how they admire me, etc. - they should only know how there are days when I am this close to losing it.
thanks for letting me vent, I guess it's just one of those days - the weather here doesn't help - rainy and cold - blech (rebecca that's for you).
When is the sun going to come out - both literally and figuratively?
thanks guys
caya

Caya

Joni - congrats on your last chemo - From what I have read, this is normal to be a mixed bag of emotions on your last treatment day - but be happy, you're on the road out of this turmoil, and will start to feel better soon - and have hair growing back.
hugs,
your fellow canuck
caya

Caya

Viddie,

You are so lucky that the your sister has been in contact with the nurses - it sounds like dr. w and f is a doll to deal with and also an artist - so why aggravate yourself and just go with him? Confirm with your surgeon if you like, but it seems to me that you are getting the "dirt" from the horse's mouth.
I can relate to the anxiety issue, I have hardly taken any ativan in the last few weeks during the day, but I take a sleeping pill (Imovane 7.5 mg) since my DH's aneurysm, this is the only way I could get any sleep, and I needed to sleep to be able to function. Just as I was trying to wean off the Imovane, I got the BC news - couldn't even think of going off it. All my docs are okay with this - so I am continuing with it for now, even though I don't really want to.
hugs
caya

robertin

Talking about chemo brain. This morning I was driving to the university and suddenly I thought, "where am I?" It really took a few seconds before I realized I was on campus, and then I had to think about where I normally park!
About the Taxol treatment. Last week Tuesday I had #2 and my surgeon recommended taking Aleve the day before the pain starts. So on Wednesday I took an Aleve in the morning and an Aleve at night. On Thursday I doubled the dose, as she suggested, and it made a big difference in the pain. I also doubled the dose on Friday, and on Saturday I took one in the morning and two at night, because the pain gets worse as the day progresses.
Does anyone know if your hair can start growing back during Taxol? I have a couple of long hairs - very white and very thin. I can't feel them and I need my magnifying makeup mirror to see them, but they're there.
Also, I just heard on the news that 22 students got killed at Virginia Tech (that includes the gunman). And they're still searching for more bodies. It makes me realize that I am fighting a horrible disease, but I am still alive. These kids are half my age or more, and they're gone. So, focus on the positive and think each morning, like my stage 4 lung cancer friend, "wow, I have another day." We don't know when our time to go is. I remember that my daughter was diagnosed with a kidney disease, which would result in a kidney transplant, and my neighbors baby died suddenly. And I thought it was so strange, because wasn't my daughter supposed to go before this baby? Just enjoy each day, and don't worry about tomorrow.

meliaanne

Good morning all,
Viddie, i start my first of 12 taxols on Wed ... sounds like we are on the same timeline. I was supposed to start last week but wbc were too low. I am a little nervous, but mostly just want to get on with it!!!
Melia

Lynn12

Robertin and Meliaanne, please send me your snail mail address to lynnjm@charter.net (in case you haven't read in past days)

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING

OK, Let's give this another try focusing on DATES ONLY. Let's check off the dates WE CANNOT COME.

luckymel

I just read and cried my way through all of today's posts. You, my sisters, are all so wonderful!! I've been lurking in your thread all along, and now that I'm just getting to the end of my chemo, while many of you are even ahead of me, I can relate to all your issues. I'm forgetting, I'm losing words, I'm exhausted, I'm miserable from the Taxol, and I too have been going full tilt since diagnosis, and doing fine, and acting perky and positive and not letting anyone know how hard this is. I think I'm just beginning to admit it to myself, even. So, every word you all say, I could have said myself. I love your support for each other, and think you are all, every single one of you, very special people. For some reason, today, I just needed to say that. You're an awesome group. I may be in the background, but I'm right here with all of you too and wishing you all the best.

I'll tell a little story on myself. Last night I had smuggled my laptop into the bathroom to check posts here before I went to bed. DH was going to sleep and didn't want me staying up until all hours on the computer. When I was done, I shut the computer, turned off all the lights, and headed from the BR to the bedroom computer in hand. I think I also had my eyes closed. Anyway, as I turned around, I evidently turned too far and ended up in the closet instead of the bedroom! There is a small blue light on a vacuum cleaner in the closet, and there is a small blue light on the computer in the bedroom, just to confuse me further. Anyway, it took me a minute to realize that I was in the closet because of the lights. Once I figured that out, I couldn't think what to do about it. "...which way do I turn to get to the bedroom??..." I didn't want to turn on the light, or call out, and wake up DH, so I just stood there for about 5 minutes. Lost in my own house, and helpless to do anything about it! If that isn't chemo brain, I don't know what is. Not only the getting "lost," but that paralyzed feeling of not knowing what to do next...seems to be typical for me at this stage anyway.

Anyway, take care my January friends. Love you all.
Melinda

Rebecca

Melinda that is great story. I may not be actually lost in my closet, but I can certainly relate to you on a metaphorical level. It is dreadful all that we have to endure to make it through this stage of our journey, the best we can do is laugh..at ourselves, at each other.

Do not lurk Melinda! Join in!

Lynn12

Melinda,

You are welcome to join in with us anytime, we love the company, and thanks for the kind words. We are all in this together.

Here's mine for the day: We have a new system to log in and get our paycheck info. They gave me a temp password and the username is supposed to be your first name and the first 2 initials of last name. So here I type: LindaMo (then the passwrod); invalid username/password. so I try again LindaMo and password; invalid username/password; once more LindaMo and actually copy/paste password; invalid username/password. I all annoyed by now and about to write the hr director asking what's up when it hit me, MY LAST NAME STARTS WITH 'MA' not 'MO' Oh My Gosh! hahahahahahahaha! I can't even spell my last name.

I'm still pretty darn foggy today, still on the couch. DH had a great idea to get my laptop out for when I'm on the couch and love it so I can still keep up with y'all.

hugs to all!

TPPJ

excited, but scared too. Wish me well please.

I don't know why I'm crying, but I am.

CONGRATS, JONI!!! THAT EXPLAINS EXACTLY HOW I FELT TOO... A HUGE MIX OF EMOTIONS.

sharon56

Congratulations Joni on your last infusion and you did all of your treatment with FEC 3 of them was enough for me . The weather in Calgary looks better than here too cold and blustery ........ here for any human being
The reason for the big foggy ? My eldest daughter called fog that when she was little "ohhh mummy its the big foggy " she would say going out the door on foggy days .... yes dear now mom is the big foggy .... today is one of those dozzy days .... hard concentrating on much ....
Just watching the news on the TV from Virgina .... what the heck is going on ? The kids the parents and the processes they will have to go through ..... its hard to comprehend .....
Lynn laptops are great , hope you are doing ok hang in there .
Mizsissy : Life does have its ways of weaving our stories. They have all landed us here with one in common , one common issue that we are all fighting with damn guts and determination ..... Maybe a book of short stories is in order ?

skyedivine

Rebecca, LOL that you had to stop to think if you wrote the post... I know I would have too.
Melinda welcome and yes, do join in. The more voices we have the stronger we are. We really are all sort of lost in our closets in a way, but it helps to stick together.
Lynn, good story from you, too. And Shorti, Big Foggy is now in my vocabulary.
I made it to Burlington to get my first infusion of Herceptin alone. It took half an hour and went fine, but I had to wait an hour and a half for them to start it because I felt impelled to confess that I had chest pains last night and this morning, and they wouldn't start it til they checked with my onc who was in with a patient for over an hour. I told them I thought it was connected to heartburn, which I do, and escaped having to stay there for a full work up. I will have to go back sometime this week for an EKG however. But I needed to leave because my car had a nail in one tire and was going flat. I made it to the tire place just in time to get it repaired and get home again. Mama said there'd be days like this.
I also got a turtle face from a neighbor while I was out walking yesterday, and then she started telling me about her 81 year old grandmother with throat cancer who is still alive two years later "so there is always hope." I said (bad, bad Skye) "Or we could all get hit by a truck tomorrow." She wailed, don't say that! But I can't help thinking of it in tandem with the Virginia Tech episode now. As several of you have said, we just never know. You're so right, Robertin, enjoy every day! - Skye

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING

Hey Shorti...peek upstairs a little, did you vote for a date? Lynn, Caya, Mer (haven't seen her for a while), Joni, Jan, we're missing 3 votes.

Maybe a book of short stories IS in order.

Melinda thank you for the compliments. We do think we're a nice group, very lucky to have each other and very lucky to have company like you!

Nancy, Jan, Rebecca, TPPJ, Skye, Viddie...I don't feel at all depressed. I feel clearer, more confident, stronger. I feel I can deal with anything. But I promise not to do anything drastic. I've told dh about this, and it actually brought us closer. It's not like I'd end up being alone, because there's someone who I care about dearly who would take care me...this is quite a story and perhaps sometime I'll have the courage to tell you. But for now, things will stay as they are and I feel that my marriage is even stronger.

xxxooo Mizsissy

Lynn12

Mizsissy, I voted!

Amera

Today I was telling my husband about a stew recipe and said, "It's in that book, you know the book, the one with the food and how to make it." I was thinking about a cookbook but couldn't for the life of me come up with the term.

Re: VA Tech-- I cannot watch the news anymore. I realize they are trying to fill time with very little information, but I cannot stand to hear the gun shots captured on a cell phone or the bodies being dragged out of buildings. These are people's children. I cannot bear it.

And why on earth didn't they have some sort of system in place to warn people that there was an armed and dangerous gunman on the loose. This person shot 2 people, and then went to another building 1/2 mile away and continued the shooting. I am just shaking my head.

jonimb

Hello all, just up from my after chemo nap. I brought in donuts, cake & fruit, and my little angel pins. I was pretty weepy today, but so glad this part is over.

I can't watch the news, those poor young innocents that were killed, it doesn't make any sense, life is short enough as it is.

On a more positive note, I got two more turtles for my turtle garden...these guys have shiny spots on top, makes me laugh everytime.

Thanks for all the support today, really appreciated it.

I did vote MizSissy.

Love to all...back to bed an watching Stanley Cup Playoffs. I wish that Detroit team would be a little bit kinder to my Calgary Flames.

Hugs...Joni "B" Done Chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nancyab

Mizsissy, Ok.. you are such a sweet lady that I didn't want you feeling down. I look to you as the glue that is holding our little group together. I want you to be A-ok.
It kind of sounded like you were giving up and that worried us. You know we are here for you whenever you need, be it for a sad time or happy time, or no reason at all. Big hugs!

Nancyab

Joni, Congratulations! Can't wait to have that feeling of accomplishment too.
Amera, I can so relate to the cookbook, I was staring at the knobs on my stove not able to figure out which one turned on what. I find things in cupboards that belong in the frig. and visa versa. Losing my mind.

IowaCindy

Congratulations, Joni!!!!!!!

Woohoo, another woman moving on....

Cindy