anyone starting chemo in Nov 2005

Mary-Lou

Forgot to tell you - I will have Latissimus Dorsi Flap surgery on April 14th 2 days after the baby is born. He said that my expander has done all it can do. The Rads caused problems.

I had 870cc's in that expander....It could only hold 10 more cc's.

I will be in the hospital for 2-3 days he said. He also said this is a long surgery.

Did any of you have this type?

I'm the fat one in our bunch grrrrrr

Wish I could have a flat tummy too.... 

   

Anonymous

ML-I am a chunk, too!!!  Especially after Dad died...gained 15 pounds, and still going strong....GRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

I'm kinda jealous, I would rather have had that surgery.  I think those boobs look and feel more real!  

Another surgery for one of our sisters!  Hoping and praying for an easy recovery for you, dear sister! 

Love and prayers, Deb

Anonymous

Oh, almost forgot.....

I entered our family in the Disney Best Vacation Moments contest......

Can you guys click on the link and "vote" for me? 

Thanks!!!  Love and prayers, Deb

http://family.go.com/travel/family-travelers/vacation-moments/california/disneyland/4272--who---s-mr--toad--and-what-is-this-wild-ride-you-speak-of---/

Mary-Lou

I did Deb.

I'm on my way to get the toe checked. This is my 4th apt this week to see someone for one thing or another.

I'm so sick of being sick

Margerie

ML why can't you have DIEP or TRAM?  I know there are a few contraindications.

I am big myself and know 2 other voluptuous ladies that had the DIEP also. 

Check out www.breastreconstruction.org  they have lots of good info about all kinds of reconstruction, and post op info too.

Hope your toe feels better soon.

Mary-Lou

Well the toe nail was removed today and he cut the rest of the debris off too. Now I'm down to raw again. OUCH....Yuck

Marg- My PC won't do it because  I weigh 230 pounds at 5ft1.

I had really wanted to lose the weight in the past year, but just had no positive support. So here I go. More body damage. Scars and pain too. Just great.

I'm a stress eater, and I have just gone beyond the stress that I think I can bare.

The other stress is Sebastian....I have not gotten to enjoy him like I would like to. They won't let me watch him alone at all....not once since he was born. I don't know him really. To many distractions when I 'm with him.

He is sleeping in the bed still with the parents and it is going to burn them when all is said and done. Now a new baby will be here on May 12th. He is not trained.....

I think  is because I have to take meds for the cancer but still I'm not sure... I won't take a pill at all when I'm around him. I just don't understand. My oldest son said they were crazy.

They have changed with him too.

I feel bad stuff coming down the road, but can't tell them how I feel.

Jessie called the other day to tell me that my EX wanted me to pay some kinda hospital bill from 11 years ago. His pay will be garnished. He wants me to pay half.

I got very upset, then she got smart with me and said something to the fact she didn't want to be in the middle of it.

Well, why did you call me I asked. She said I was always saying something about Dale and she didn't want to hear it either.

Now mind you this is a man who had insurance on himself, not me and his children. It would cost to much.

Yet had bought "POT" and car parts like there was no tomorrow. And I can't count the fines for DUI's and such.

Taking off with other women on the week ends and being locked up at least every 6 months for the 25+ years that we were together.

It was HELL.....Lights turned off, no heat at times. No car....you name it. I was so beat down that I couldn't do anything cause he always said he would kill me if i ever left.

I feel deep in my heart that the hard blow to my breast was the very start to all of this. It was black and blue. Just as my black eyes have been. I look back and wonder how I even lived through it all.

When he filed for a separation he paid the 50.00 and I had to pay the rest....over 500.00.

Also he didn't pay the house payment , so just before they foreclosed I saved it with the 3000.00 I had. And he wants me to pay a bill he should pay for anyway. I would have never been in the hospital if he had not hit me I feel sure of. Easter Sunday to be the exact day. I had basket all lined up for the boys and Dale too. All to come down to him ripping my sleeve out of my gown and busting me in the breast same place as the lump. And pinning me up against the wall.

And to this day I don't remember what set him off.

So for Jessie to treat me with such disrespect is beyond me. And as good as I have been to them. You know I have taken one picture this year of Sebastian, I never missed a month his first year.

It is a heart-breaker for sure. All through the cancer there wasn't much compassion from Jessie either. And they don't come to see me after surgery or being sick. Just not on there list of things to do.

I can't share with her as a woman at all. I gave her to much credit for being a good mom too. The stuff they do in front of the baby is so wrong at times. I just have to hold my breath.

But you know, I will get through all of this. I do know if there is a chance of this beast returning........I will do nothing to stop it. To much has already been taken away, I will never be the same.

Never

Seems like when Daddy died I did too....

I have wanted to talk to Cory alone, but Jessie wouldn't even let me talk to him when I was talking to her the other day. She said no.

I can't email he has no privacy. And I can't leave him a message with myspace cause she reads them too.

I'm really thinking of writing a letter to Cory and send it to work with Michael. He works at the same place and the same shift.

What other choice do I have.

Sorry again for venting, I just am having a melt down. I feel like getting in the car and never looking back.

And another thing is "I think I'm the only Grand Mother here."

Mary-Lou

Boy I wish some of the family would google me and find this last post.....

Anonymous

Oh, dearest ML.   I am sending a huge warm hug to you right now.  I can't respond much because Daniel (sick again and clinging to my side) is next to me and asking about his "Enchanted" DVD. 

When he is sleeping, I am going to respond further.  

NO, you don't want to get googled!!  I got googled and a family member found a post about themself they didn't like!  

Love and prayers, Deb

Margerie

Oh Mary Lou,

You need to get some help for yourself!  This is all too much.  I can't even imagine being in such an abusive environment.  Even though you got out, it is not behind you. It is still poisoning you and your family and it is not your fault!!  You deserve to be happy and healthy and you can do it!!  I mean it, you DESERVE it woman!!!  I hope you look in the phone book right now for family counseling.  If the family won't go- find someone for yourself.  It helps to talk.  I am glad you opened up here.  I wish you were closer!  And don't beat yourself up about the weight thing.  If it was just a matter of what goes in your/our mouths- we would all be thin.  It is a struggle for sure.

Maybe you can find the strength to sit down and talk about your feelings with your kids.  (Forget the  danged hospital bill, may that guy rot in #$%%&@)Sebastian's parents are probably dealing with their own damage control and aren't thinking about you.  You are too sweet and accomodating (I am guessing).  Ask them what the deal is- it couldn't be worse than what you are imagining.

And you have this huge surgery coming up.  I hate how breast cancer robs us.  But you will heal.  It takes time to heal physically and emotionally. I turned my scar into a work of art with a tattoo. I love the opportunity of that scar now. 

Sorry for the convoluted advice, I just can't seem to  have a coherent thought here!  Please for now, just get ready for your upcoming surgery and hug those who hug back.  Work on the rest later.  Chin up and let us know how you are doing.

Love,

Margerie

P.S. Maybe this picture will get a smile outta ya!

Anonymous

Ok, ML.....

I agree with Margerie's words 100 percent.   I, too, am so grateful you mentioned the abusive background you dealt with.   Abuse DOES stay with you if you don't face it and get help.  This, coming from the queen of "Can't Let it GO," as dh likes to say.   It's always easier for me to dish out the advice than do it myself.  

Even watching my Dad be rather abusive to my Mom when he was drunk has affected me for life-especially since he is now gone due to his alcohol abuse.   I have been seeking counseling for this since his death, and ML, it is the most healing thing I could have possibly done for myself. 

To talk about it, and to know you aren't responsible for it, is the greatest release.  The post you left here is a great start. 

Can you go to your church and see if there is counseling available there? 

Oh, and that bill?!?!  Forget that-how absurd an expectation could he possibly have?!?! 

Anyway, just as I said to Odalys, this is another thing that is close to my own heart-which makes it hard for me to say the levelheaded response.  I want to just scream out and cry right with you, because I agree that you have such a valid reason for being upset, sad, and hurt.  

However, as we have learned in the 2.5 years of bc in our lives, we have NO control.  No matter how hard we worry, no matter how hard we try to steer our lives one direction, the Lord is next to you saying, "I'm here Mary Lou.  Don't forget me.  I have it under control." 

You have to give it to Him.  You HAVE to.  This is too much hurt for you to deal with otherwise. 

I told my Pastor that the alcohol abuse in my family has been negatively impacting my life for 33 years.   He said,

"That's a long time to carry around pain." 

Yep. 

He said that once I truly forgive the ones who had hurt me so bad, my healing will come.  

It's working.  I have forgiven my father, and the other person in my family who abused alcohol and impacted my life so hard. 

The anger, frustration and hurt is starting to melt away. 

I have something I'd like to email you-I have to scan it, and when I do, I'll send it to you.  It's a few pages.  

I love you, dear sister. 
Love and prayers,
Deb

Mary-Lou

Thank you sisters...Michael and I had a huge fight today. He had not one ounce of compassion. Not one ounce.

I just want someone to stand up and defend my honor. I started to pack my clothes, the closet is almost bare. All the stuff I have is old and looks awful.

So it is staying out for good. But I have nothing to wear now.....I stay in my gown most of the time anyway. I stay in all the time too.

I'm such a gal of adventure. Talking, laughing, and just being carefree. That just isn't who I am any more.

I try to tell Michael how I feel, but his reaction is mean and unconcerned. Not at all what I need now.

Thanks for this time, and I love the honesty. That is what I need....the truth , and the advice to help me to pull through this.

I guess you have to walk in these shoes to understand. And we have now walked a many a mile. We share, care , cry and laugh as we walk hand in hand , side by side through what seems to be a never ending journey.

But at least we have all stuck together. For that I feel truly blessed.

Anonymous

I love you, dear sister.  

Praying for peace and comfort within your life.  

Love and prayers, Deb

PS-happy and blessed Easter to all our sisters!  He is RISEN! 

Odalys

Wow, so much heartache going on.  We definitley need to plan a girls weekend. Life and families can be so difficult sometimes.  But, what really matters is that we are here, fighting, and healthy.  Love you guys. 

Odalys

Have a great day everyone!  Sending you Easter blessings on this special day.

Odalys / I will survive - Yo vivire!

Anonymous

I think I am going to scan Daniel's dictated Easter Bunny note and show you guys. 

Too cute.  The first thing he said this morning was, "What did he bring me?!?!"  

Hope you all have a blessed Easter.  Goodness knows we need some blessings around here!  

Love and prayers, Deb

Mary-Lou

I thought I would share.....

This was on my MIL fridge....

She said this pretty much

sum's up the 70's. Age

not the year....

LOL One of Michaels

brothers brought it to his dad.

Mary-Lou

BTW, Jessie called today and talked to Michael. I have to call her back. I really don't want to open this can of worms, but I have to get this taken care of once and for all.

Wish me luck....

Anonymous

ML-how'd it go?  I hope/pray it went well.  

Other sisters-how the heck are you all doing?!?!  We've been a bit slow in our little family of sisters here!!  Where are you? 

Here's a pic of my sweet baby boy on Easter. 

I'm such a nerd, I worked so hard on my hair on Easter so I could take a comparison picture of myself over the past 3 years, and we forgot.  Duh. 

Love and prayers, Deb

Mary-Lou

Deb, they are so cute!

I called Jessie back, all she said is that she was having the shower at her house. I have to bring the cake. That was it.

Michael talked to her for about 35 min this morning. She didn't say a word about being sorry or anything.

I didn't let on I knew. I gave her the opportunity to clear up the hard feelings.

Little does she know, I will be sending the cake by Michael. And my gift.

I have made up my mind I don't want to meet the new baby. It has just taken  all the tole on me that I can take. Not worth the energy  it is taking from me. This has made me sick.

One good thing, Michael said he will join weight watchers with me.  Not sure if I want to start before the surgery.  We may just do it at home first. But together we will work on be healthy.

He also appoligised for being such an #@$%$^ the other day when I was just at the end of my rope.

I know all of this will pass, just makes me very sad to know I was holding on to live and see my grandchildren grow. Only to have this happen.

Anonymous

Dear Sister,

I have to write more later (as usual, Daniel is demanding me), but I must tell you a very heartfelt, "PLEASE DON'T" when it comes to not wanting to meet the new baby.  

Please, don't.  

You've lost a loved one.  You know that it hurts to know that your Daddy is gone.  Your grandbabies will feel the same way, especially if they knew that Gramma was still alive when they were babies. 

Go to them.  The struggles and personal issues that are happening between the adults should just be between the adults. 

Don't shut out the babies.  Please. 

My baby doesn't have a Grandma.  I'd give anything for Daniel to know his Grandma B and Grandma K.  He can't.  They are gone.  From cancer, no less. 

You, me, our sisters, we are still here.  You held on for a REASON.  Now go embrace those reasons.  

I love you.  
Love and prayers, Deb

AnnaM

Can you believe we found a brand new, totally unused woman's girdle, with millions of stays and garters and laces and stuff. It must be soooooo old! Thank goodness it was unused or I figure it would be yellow or something. Anyway, I am going to save it for a gag gift or at least to show my daughter, sho likes weird things like that. It was in a big old trunk that was otherwise empty. The trunk would be gorgeous if the little metal edges weren't all rusted. Other than that we would eons of old 1940s and 50s checkbooks and bank statements from Massachussets and Maine (where the previous owners and "friends" were from) and a few packed suitcases with yucky 70s and 80s clothing. Nothing really fun there.



So hubs left to go back and finish his teaching in the U.S. and little dog spent the day staring at the door hoping he'd walk back in. I sure hope she gets over it lest I veer into a depression. Tomorrow I go to the "new" house to do some measuring and to take some photos (I hope, if the present owners don't mind). I need as much input as I can get so I know what will fit and what to get rid of.



It stays daylight till 8:30 here and we haven't even switched to daylight savings time yet! I love it!



Anyway, now I'm on my own and I guess that's good for one's spirit every now and then once one gets used to it.



Love to my sisters, Anna

Anonymous

Anna, we miss you!  As I was reading  your post, I was thinking "ebay,ebay,ebay....."  All that stuff sounds like perfect Ebay stuff! 

That reminds me....I wanted to post a before/after shot of our spare room (the "Ebay room" as we have come to call it).  This is what our organizer did for us a month or so ago.....

http://s59.photobucket.com/albums/g288/thebandteacher/?action=view&current=cefc9401.pbw

I hope that works.....it's a slide show.....

Love and prayers, Deb

Anonymous

I never know how to make a live link......

Mary-Lou

Wow, that is some change Deb....

I know i shouldn't say i don't want to meet the baby. I think it has come to the point of me having to sit and write a letter that is heart felt.

I just worry that it will make things even worse.

But I must try.

I went to work today, foot was killing me. But I made it through. See the dentist again in the morning. Wish me luck.

Anna good to see you, what great finds.

AnnaM

OMG!



I just signed on and read your post about not wanting to meet the baby and went "huh?" and looked back and realized I had somehow skipped a whole page of posts!



Here I have been blathering away about what we found in some silly closets and there's been major heartache going on and I was totally offtrack!



I am so sorry to hear all the pain you have been going through, Mary Lou. I agree with Margerie, the surgeries are hard to go through, but the scars heal and the speed of the recovery from the surgery is awesome. Whenever I doubt my body (like when my knee starts hurting and I wonder if I will limp forever) I think back to how quickly I saw progress from both my big surgeries (breasts and hip) and I say YO, body, you are one unbelieveable friend! Each day will bring improvement. It doesn't look like that now, but you'll see.



As for the new grandchild, I agree with Debbie, don't shut out the babies. The love you have for little Sebastian just shines on these pages. Keep that love flowing. Your grandchildren have the parents they have, you can't change that, but you can put your own beautiful beacon of kindness and love in their life. Even if you don't think you are appreciated, being loving toward people always improves the world. Stifling love inside yourself will hurt you. We are on this earth to forgive. Let go and let go and let go again. No, don't accept abuse, but don't carry it around forever either. You are God's child and you are perfect, deserving of nothing but love. Give love and forgiveness and in the end you will be happy for having done that. Turning your back in bitterness puts more pain in your heart. You don't deserve any more pain, Mary Lou.



Gosh, is Daniel ever one handsome young man! He has grown so!



Love to all my sisters. I will be more careful next time.



Anna

Mary-Lou

Thank you Anna, you all are so right.

I have made my mind up to write

Cory and Jessie a letter telling them

how I have felt and how I have

been hurt by them.

I have more bad news....My best

girl friend tried to kill herself

this morning.

Please keep her in your prayers.

I know I never have to ask

for myself, you all always have

me covered.

I'm sure these tough

times will soon pass for me.

Anna, never feel bad about

chatting, it always brightens

my day.

I love you sisters more than

you all could ever know.

In fact I believe in many

ways you all know me

better than the people I

see all the time.

HUGS to you all.....

Anonymous

We love you, too, dear sister!  

Mary-Lou

Deb- it is my girlfriend that has MS and that I took care of in Georgia this past summer.

They have taken her to another hospital, her girls just talked to me about an hour ago. I'm sure they won't let me see her even if I tried.

Just keep her in your prayers.

Margerie

ML I am sorry you are getting bad news on top of bad news.  Seems like you deserve a break.  I will be thinking of you and your friend.  I think your letter is a great idea- if only to get it all sorted out yourself.  So many emotions running around probably.  I certainly hope you and yours can work things out.

I hope you are not too lonely Anna. How long are you by yourself? Shoot, if I had the time and money I would zip right out there and hang out with you!  Spring time in rural france, and with good company, doesn't get much better than that.  I would love to see a picture of the garter thingy!  My friend just bought an old comet station wagon, on ebay!  They shipped it to CA from NY and she (the wagon) had some secrets.  A secret compartment that had an acrylic nail, some rubber gloves, old transimission oil and a pen from the Napa Autoparts store somewhere in Colorado.

Odalys, I hope you and your father are finding your new rythym with each other.  And I hope Deb that you are enjoying spring with your cute little easter wabbit boy.

I am doing fantastic.  Finished my trial up at Seattle.  They were telling me the unofficial results- very promising!!  I also got bumped to one year recall with my surgeon- yeah!  Going to work on my diet and losing some blubbs.  We have been gone skiing last week.  It was fun, but home sweet home at last.  I also need to shop for spring clothes for dear 4 yo daughter.  At least she looks cute in shorts!

I have been really having fun with my designing and my blogs.  If anyone is interested in my antics:

http://margerie-margerie.blogspot.com/

And there is a link there to my cancer store.  I have up a lot of the bc cartoons I did last year.  It is good therapy for me.

It is fun to meet people blogging.  I have made a few new bc friends. Everyone is so genuine and helpful and funny. I just found a gal going thru radiation.  She is so strong- reminds me of us 2 years ago.  We have come so far...chins up girls! 

Anonymous

Margerie-

You are too cool.  I cracked up at the cartoon, and peeked at your blog and LOVED it!  If I can ever remember to come to the spare room with a credit card in my hand, I am so buying a shirt.  However, the act of remembering the card is just so tough!  If I even try to go get it, odds are that I will be distracted by either my son, cat, husband, or self and forget I was even on the computer. 

ML-I am such a jerk to not even mention about your girlfriend.  I am of course keeping her in my prayers.  I know the fear of MS is really a hard thing to handle, because much like bc, it is nothing but unknowns.  You really lose control of your body and it is scary.  I'm praying for peace for both of you and her girls. 

Love and prayers, Deb