Has breast cancer changed the person you are?

This is a great thread...I wanted to add my thoughts...

I was diagnosed at age 41 and had no family history of breast cancer, other cancers yes.  I have always been a happy go lucky person that really enjoyed my job, the people and never thought about getting older.  I was always the "lucky" one in my family not to have suffered with some sort of illness or ailment.  

I have no children by choice and both my dh and I had been together for almost 16 years (married for 6 years) when I was diagnosed.  We have a solid relationship and that's what got us through the early "tough times of this disease".  We leaned on each other for support, my husband was angry and terrified of loosing me.  I will never forget what he said to me the day we found out, "if I could trade places with you right now I would.."  Breast cancer has tested our relationship to the fullest, even now almost 3 years out.  It has aged me about 10 years in how my body feels and I miss those carefree days when my health was never a worry.

I dont see any good that it has brought to my life aside from worry.  My life was just fine the way it was before breast cancer.  I see the way that my parents and my family treat me now like I'm an egg shell that is gonna break.  I never want my parents to experience the pain or heartbreak of loosing me, this does not sit right with me at all....

I dont enjoy my job like I once did, for me its just a job that pays the bills.  I struggle with the stress of deadlines at work as I am no longer mentally as sharp as I was prior to diagnosis.  Armidex and menopause have caused me to have constant "brain farts". 

For me I feel as though I have been robbed of my future and often wonder whether I will see my retirement..... dont get me wrong I love life, have a positive attitude most days and fought to get where I am now!   

I am forever changed and will never have that comfort zone like I once did prior to bc....

Michele 

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Yes! bc has changed me and I can't say for the better.  I'm still going through it since I have a tissue expander and the exchange is scheduled for  8/19/08.  My dx w/bc in 4/08 came at a really bad time.  I lost my only sibling which was my sister in March.  While my entire family was still greiving the lost of my sister I was hit w/bc .  My mother in law is a twice bc survivor.  She told me when I was going for all the testing whatever the outcome is we will deal w/it.  My husband had been through this bc before with her.  He knew what questions to ask the dctrs and was and still is my rock.  I use to be excited about everything...work, vacation, weekends etc.  Now I just pray to God to help me get through the terrible feeling of this expander and to keep my sanity.  I have great support from my family, my in laws, friends and co-workers but no one really knows how I feel.  I am grateful to be alive but I don't feel like I'm living and that sort of scares me.  I write down my felings so often and just pray for the day when I can look back and read it and say, "WOW! I really was feeling not so great back then, but thank GOD I'm good now".  I long to feel normal again.

You obviously started a good topic.  I have read the book "Cancer Made Me A Shallower Person" and highly recommend it.  I also take a sleeping aid like ambien (in Canada it is immovane) and highly recomment it too.

I really don't think you should  be too hard on  yourself at this point.  I was an absolute mess during and right after all the treatments.  I have gradually found my feet again and after this last surgery on Wed I hope I will make up even more ground.  

I am much more health conscious and treat my body with a lot more respect.  I know which relationships are valuable to me and which ones need to be forgotten.  I do not let little things drive me as crazy as they used to.  I no longer assume that I will have a long life like many of my relatives did.  I worry that I will never be a grandmother, which is something I have always wanted. I do not suffer fools even though I occasionally am one myself.  Like most of us here, I worry about every little ache or pain.  I am thankful for every good day I have.  I have fallen in love again with my hubby, he has been amazing.  I sometimes feel like I am on a different plane of existence than others but have to relate to them on their level.  

My daughter died in 1997 from cancer and that was the biggest change that I can imagine happening in my life.  I survived it, so I know I can survive this too, emotionally if not physically.  A friend who lost her son a couple of years earlier became very bitter, angry and jealous of others.  My daughter asked me not to become like her.  So I made the decision to try and honour her wishes.  Some days it was impossible and I would just shut my door and allow all those angry emotions to take me.  Then I would get back up and start again.  I really believe that if we try to suppress the neg emotions that we  will be overtaken by them.  But if we give in to them all the time, we will also be controlled by them.  It is a balancing act that I had never had to consider before.

However, would I give up all of this 'insight' and 'wisdom' if I could have my daughter back or be bc free again?  You bet I would, in a second!

I was hoping a thread like this would begin. I didn't know how to start one without sounding like  Debbie Downer. Annie, you voiced yourself well.

Since my dx I have stopped all contact with my 14 yr old adopted daughter. She is currently in foster care and has a huge victim mentality. I refuse to allow her to be the victim of my bc. She has NEVER liked me and has always been happy to tell me so. While some of this is normal for a 14 yr old, most do not spit in your coffee. While my spouse wishes I'd talk to her, I cannot, I will not. Right now I am in the battle of my life and I cannot afford to try to jolly up a kid who is bend on hurting me.

My family has been hugely supportive. I think many of us agree it is easier to battle bc than it is to care for someone with bc. Of course, I have only had one chemo and the real challenge is still before me. 

Sarah 

I know what you mean usually the end of my treatment I am starting to feel better a better person but now I am 5 days into my 4th one and I am pissed off at all the bills coming in, when I get a load of laundry out to fold it I cant breath well my house doesnt look the way it should and nagging the kids gets no where. I still get mad at the people who are so mean and they can complain about being tired from nothing well I guess this is norm and it too will pass. A friend of mine signed me up to get a Relay for Life dinner in August I told her I was not ready I didnt ask to join this club and I am not ready to sit in the heat and and eat a free  dinner maybe next year when its done but the heat and my emotions are too high right now...

Norm for the timming I guess ...

This is a great thread.  Cancer changes you forever.  You can't possibly go through all of this and not come out a different person.  I had ovarian cancer 5 1/2 years ago.  Every ache and pain panicked me.  I am BRCA1 and was going to a high risk breast cancer clinic.  When I found out I had BC and it was late stage III I was stunned.  I said to my husband "How did this happen to me".  I thought I was taking every precaution and being screened and still I got a late stage cancer AGAIN.

I'm angry that this happened again.  I'm mad and sad that my two sisters weren't there for me.  The good thing, though, is that my relationship with them was unsatisfactory for 20+ years.  I tried and tried to make it work.  When they abandoned me during my chemo it gave me the strength to say enough is enough.  After all, if they can't be nice to me when I'm fighting for my life then when will they be nice?  It was very freeing to know I don't have to put up with unpleasant "family" get togethers anymore.

I too wonder about the people who say that cancer is the best thing that happend to them.  I've been tired since my ovarian.  Even before that I went into menopause at 46 and that's when I stopped sleeping through the night.  The surgery, chemo and rads from the ovarian made it even worse and I've never recovered my pre-cancer energy.  Now this, chemo, followed by bilat mast and just finishing rads.  No energy and like others no ambition, no joy.  I love gardening but it's an effort to even do that.  I still feel like I'm doing what I think I should be doing and not what I want to do.

My doctor told me when I was starting the chemo that some women work through it.  I'd like to know how they do it.  I look back and wonder how I ever got through it.  My first three were FEC, last three Taxatore (I also started Herceptin at this time) and the dreaded steroids.  After I would finish the steroids, three days later I would be almost comatosed for five days.  Some days it was a major accomplishment if I could muster up the energy to have a shower!  Now tell me, how does one go to work feeling like this!!!!

I've lost my innocence; I've faced my own mortatlity; I've lost my sisters (or more to the point my hope of having an adult relationship with my sisters; they haven't been sisters for many years).

I too find it hard to suffer fools.  When my husband drives me to rads I get angry at the bad drivers and the jay walkers that make driving in the city a  nightmare.  My husband and I joke that I need a ticket book so I can ticket them.  He says I shouldn't let these things bother me but they do.

Whew, time to take a breath.  Great thread.

BC has definitely changed me.  Many of my goals used to be for the future. Yes, I'll do that one day and have that one day etc.  It seems like I'm always so busy with work that there's no time to smell the roses. I starting to make time to smell the roses in a manner of speaking. I have become more impatient for some things and more patient for other things.  My priorities have changed. My family;  meaning my husband and children have always come first but now I will put everything down and give them all the time they need. I appreciate them much more.  I will never say BC is a blessing but it made me realize that life if very fragile and very precious and to try to enjoy every moment to the fullest. I have always picked and choose my battles but now even more so.  At times I get angry and sad that now I have to live in fear but then remind myself that it's negative energy and try to refocus on all the positives in my life and there are many. 

This diagnosis confirmed that I can never count on my family in a time of need. My mother and sisters(who are much older than I am) could have cared less when I was diagnosed and needed help with my 3 young children (one of which was a baby).  Never offered to help. I asked one of my sisters if she could help watch the baby while I was in surgery and you would have that I was going to get my nails done from her reaction.   My mother never asked how she could help just went on talking about her daily life activities. And my sisters who have grown children were too busy in their lives and some didn't even call to see how I'm doing.  That's pretty sad isn't it...but it's reality.  Oh well...you can't pick your family.  They are what they are.... I don't fight with them I just choose to stay away from them.   Also, I had a relative call me that hasn't spoken to me in a fews years, she thought that I was dieing (I know she called to ease her conscience) but after she heard that I was doing better...haven't heard from her sense.   Recently  I received a wedding invitation for a nephew's wedding that is out of state and about an 18 hours drive but I never received a phone call throughout treatment or even a getwell card....  What's wrong with this picture? 

Thank God for my wonderful husband who juggled alot by himself and was there for all my panic attacks, the numerous dr's appts. surgeries, radiation and taking the kids to their sport activities, art class, pianno, religion etc. I don't know how he was able to do it all himself for a while.  He was spread pretty thin and never complained just kept telling me how much her loves me and that we'll get through this and he was right. Most importanlty, God once again has become a BIG part of my life.  I'm not some holy roller but I have become much more thankfull for all He given me...my family (a loving husband and wonderfull children) and helped me to get through this whole ordeal.

We definitely learn from life's experiences.  

Interesting thread ladies.....well, I've had the damn thing twice now and this time lost the girl (but got a barbie boob instead)

Have I changed?  yup.  I've grown up alot, but I needed to!  I also had all those emotions the first time, the anger, depression, life issues, etc. all of it.  Then I got back to being myself after about 4 years.  I got the new cancer 6 years after the last one and I realized this time, kind of after an exasperated "Oh for god's sake, come on!" that I was the one in control of how I felt about it. 

I decided it was not going to rid me of my sense of humour, my faith in god, my love for my family, my friends.  I do have my depressive moments, (elavil, girls) and my moments of looking in the mirror and saying "whoa, shit, this ain't good!"  However, if we are all lucky enough to get old, it will be all wrinkly anyway, hey?

One of the hardest things this time has been that alot of people dropped out of my life as tho it is catching or something...very weird, even sisters.  I just say "that's your issue" now and let it go, tho I was terribly upset at first;....loving women on this website talked me thru it. (thank you, my CMF warrior goddesses)

You can choose your friends, thank god!  I don't suffer fools gladly anymore, don't put up with crap anymore, don't sweat the small stuff, etc.  Life is temporary, cancer treatment is too, and if you look right at it, life is ultimately fatal, cuz none of us is getting out alive anyway, so you might as well play the hand you are dealt with as good a grace as you can.  I certainly think it's normal to feel cheated, angry, depressed, etc.  Have a big old pity party.  But PUT A LIMIT ON IT>  that's all.  Otherwise, this stupid disease wins.   I would say let yourself feel any way you damn well please, but then pull yourself up by the bootstraps and go wash your face, bec. it won't help to keep on laying there..........and as my grandma used to say "you can cry all you want, but sooner or later someone has to go clean the catbox and it might as well be you".

Anyway, that's my two timer take on this crap for what it's worth. 

I do feel this time that I will TAKE something from this....I am going to take away a more caring aspect towards others enduring this disease and try to help them.  Then I have gained more than I lost which was what? A chunk of fat on my chest? So what.  My peace of mind?  Well, that is up to me, isn't it.  So I am taking that lesson and running away with it.

I'd like to see a book on this subject, very interesting.

love to all of you

annie

Definitely changes going on, not so good ones, at least for now. 

I'm no 'ray of sunshine' today.  Don't feel very good about it either, but decided to just stop fighting it, I'm having a day at home.  I feel pathetic today.  I am sick of 'You're so strong" blah blah blah.  Yes, I'm strong, I've been strong thru it all.  A real trooper...the diagnosis, telling my kids, being strong for them, information overload off and on, 3 surgeries, working as much as possible, 12 hour days making up for the days I've had to be out, the 'chemo news' that I thought I wasn't getting, quitting my other job that I loved because I'll be at risk for infections (never been a germo-phobe before), the first chemo, canceling plans with the grandkids cuz I was too sick afterward, all of it, I've been a rock.  

Today I'm not a trooper, not a rock, I'm a frickin' puddle!  Out of the blue, woke up like that, feel like shit in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually and that really bothers me.  Where this all came from, I have no clue!  But I feel bad about it, like a wimp!  I should find something positive, I have so much to be thankful for, other people have it worse, blah blah blah....I KNOW all this, I'm just not FEELING it today.  Yesterday I felt decent, good actually, other than tired. 

Night and day emotions I guess, like a roller coaster...Oh that's right, I'm afraid of heights - I hate roller coasters!  I'd really like to get off now, please?!?!  I guess I'm sick of having cancer.  I'm so sad, I cried today and it was good.  I cried two other times, before my first surgery (now I'm a regular there and am ok with it) and then on the day I found out about chemo. I think I'm still not ok with chemo, I'm doing it, but I hate it, not that anyone enjoys it, it really sucks, but it won't last forever.  I usually don't feel sorry for myself.  This is icky.

So I tell myself, "you better suck it up girl!  You got a long ways to go here!"

Somedays I realize how self-absorbed the last couple months have become and I don't like it, just don't know how to get away from that since there is constantly a me-related issue to deal with. 

I also have found I just get sick at times of the silly crap that people say....It could be worse....you're so lucky they found it.... da da da, on and on and on.  Yes, I know they mean well, but sometimes I want to say "just stop talking, shut the hell up."  I feel irritable with people and I don't like me much when I feel like that.

I'm usually ok with it all.  What do you do?  Keep on keepin' on!  There'll come a day when I'll see good and purpose in it all, it'll make me a better person, and thats more my style, but today is definitely not that day!

One thing I have noticed tho, is that small stuff really doesn't matter so much, look at the big picture, its a fight for life right now.  I'm not big on drama anyway, like the simple life, working and family and hanging out at home feeding the squirrels and other critters, puttering in the yard, etc.  Haven't even mowed my own lawn this year, with the surgeries on one side and port implanted on the other I haven't tried muscling the lawnmower around, I'm planning to give it a shot this weekend, I actually enjoy it and the grass currently looks like no one lives here!  Geez, in the whirlwind that spring and summer has been, I haven't even bought a single plant.

I think I'm drained and maybe coming down with something, my throat and ears feel funky. 

Going to have a couple tylenol, a little breakfast, and go to back bed for a while...hoping I wake up on the other side of it!  Then I'll go into town, make the final decisions on my wigs (who'da thunk we'd be planning that into our days?!?) and then I'll stop and pick up a cheery plant for the patio!  Why not?!

Sorry, I shoulda went to the bitch and moan board, or whatever that was called!

 PS...Reading thru what I wrote, cancer has definitely changed me....this is not the usual me, I am having a 'day'!  I have for the most part been able to keep my sense of humor thru it all.  I really do believe that laughter is, after all, the best medicine! 

I am much more assertive than I used to be and I don't sweat the small stuff.

For example, I was at a gas station.  A nicely dressed suburban woman came out of the rest room, and I went in.  The toilet seat was covered in pee.  I wiped it off and used the toilet.  When I came out I saw her standing at the refrigerated drink section.  In the middle of a crowded gas station convenience store, I said, "Next time you use the toilet, please have the courtesy to wipe off the seat."  She got all flustered and mumbled something.  Pre cancer days I never would have said that.

I also had less patience with idiot drivers who try to squeeze into the front of the line.  I am not a rug anymore, but I guess that is better.

That is the biggest difference I have noticed, just don't cross my path by doing something stupid.  And "if you hover, lift the cover".

Okay i was diagnosed with BC in June and besides being tired and feeling like I have no brain it has changed me. I started taking the pre-meds for chemo yesterday and in the day time just someone talking constanty for two hours at work really irratated me. To the point I wanted to hit them. At this point I am thinking that I need to go home. but why should I. I really have become kind of cold hearted. I don't feel sorry for people as much as i use to. Then in the evening I take the meds again and i am awake till 3:oo in the morning because it keeps you awake all night. And low and behold what do you think about during the night when you cant sleep. CANCER. I can't tolarate the winnyness that my 7 year old son does.The complaining that my 14 and 16 year old daughter does. Before the diagnoses I was completly able to tolerate all this and to rationalize with them. Now there is no patience. Treatment today was a living hell. There is something telling me I really don't need this. It is so much sickness just to get well whats the point I'm mostly going to die from it anyways. Yeah it prolongs are life but is quantity of life more important the quality. My sister fought this stuff for 14 years and in the end past away because she was tired of the fight. She was a very religious person. Then the thought through my head is why is it alll the good people end up with this. I don't smoke drink or do drugs. Maybe I should have and that would have killed all those cells that are not good in our bodies. I haven't heard of really too many people who do, do drugs, smoke or drink with cancer of any sort it is those who don't. I have a great support group and they tell you how strong you are but in reality they really don't understand the stress that we are going through and the thoughs in our heads. I love my children and husband they are my life and I am doing this for them. I hate it when they leave to go to work I want them to be with me constantly because I don't know how I am going to feel from one day to the next. My children get really irratated with me bacause I want them with me and it is summer time and they want to hang out with there friends. I try to let them go and the cry because they are gone. worrying weather they are making the right decisions or are they safe.

 So the theory in the end is to be strong and we can fight this battle. We will kick this stuffs A@! before it kicks ours. We are stronger then it. Try to think on the positive side.

Great Subject to post.

Kathy

I was diagnosed with bc October 2007.  At first I didn't think about the future, just the present what can we do to fight this thing.  I had three MAJOR meltdowns ....

#1 when I finally saw an oncologist one month after my surgery who told me that I was was a stage 2a, 2.1 cm, Grade 3, all receptors negative .... aggressive cancer.  My surgeon had told me that I was a stage 1, less than 2 cm and all I would need was radiation.  Surgeons should keep their mouths shut when they don't know for sure.  My oncologist told me that I would have chemo (and he did not think that I would survive it) and radiation.  All I could hear was that I was going to die.  What a jerk.  That night I had a major meltdown, screamed, cried, and totally expressed my anger.  My poor husband .... I found a new oncologist and he was encouraging.  In fact, he dismissed my fist idiot oncologist and gave me one more treatment than what the first guy said that he would do.  Yes, I had problems ... thought that I would die ... terribly depressed .... hurt all over ... white count so low that they almost could not find it ) ... everything that could happen happened to me.

My second meltdown was in the evening after I had my hair shaved to one inch.  I felt sorry for my husband who could not comfort me ... all I wanted to do was scream and cry.

 My third meltdown was the night before I was to begin my radiation.  My friend (who was going through the exact same treatment, exact same cancer, same side, same everything) told me that she was upset because she had two men doing her radiation (she was a week before me).  All I could think off ... what else can happen ... men staring at my boob ..... uuuuuugggg.  I prayed that there would be at least one female .... and there was.

I made it through all this .... finished my last radiation on May 9, 2008.  I still have some leftover problems ..... and I AM changed .... I think that I have mellowed a bit .... I express myself more readily but do not get angry because someone disagrees.  I pick my battles ... and really never have battles anymore .....   Yes,  I am changed ... my faith is stronger than ever ....

 I work as a Chaplain for a Hospice and I meet with patients who have been given 6 months or less to live.  They have taught me to let go of my anger, to live each day to the fullest, to love harder than ever.  I cannot change my diagnosis, I cannot change the fact that I have cancer but I can change me.  It is okay to feel the anger, depression, rage, express yourself ..... It is NOT my fault that I have cancer .... it is no one's fault .... it is life ... we live and we die ... and we choose how we will live. 

Tonight I lift you all up in prayer. 

Blessings,

Kay

Lisa,

I am deeply sorry that you are having to face this monster yet again.  My mother-in-law has faced three cancers in her lifetime ... bc, colon ... and I can't remember what the other one was.  She is 80 years old and still kicking.  Keep your faith no matter what.... it is NOT okay that you are facing this again.... it stinks.  I know that you feel that you are going out of your mind ..... scream, cry ..... rant, rave ..... and know that through it all that I am praying for you!

Blessings,

Kay

I agree, maryiz, that the genral public has no idea what concer "does" to you. We were all in the general public's shoes once, remember? And did we have a clue? Even working with cancer patients and hospice patients (and having a mother with breast cancer), I knew better than most, and could sympathize, but in no way could I empathize. There's a difference.

So, get on Oprah, or any major show, and people will rejoice in the fact that we're alive, and of course our lives have changed, but they can't really get in our heads. They can hear us talk about the night demons, and then may actually have some buzz-words to use with their acquaintences, but the won't ever KNOW till they get the diagnosis themselves. And then they'll wonder why the general public doesn't "get it." In the meantime, while they wait for that day, they may be more aware and get mammos, or give money to "think pink" campaigns.

And I don't think that's horrible. It just is what it is. No one knows my sore feet till they've walked in my very shoes.

I picked up a book at the boostore the other day called, "Five things Breast Cancer did not Teach Me." It was delightful. But I can't imagine a non-survivor reading it, or at least gleaning a lot from it. It's more for those of us who KNOW, who've "been there"--to chuckle or cry over, much like we do right here.

Anyway, back to the original topic. Earlier I said cancer hasn't really changed who I am. I still believe that at the core of who I am. But I do have a different perspective, a different tolerance. But I like to think cancer hasn't defined who I am. (My mother's cancer, though, was more of a defining event for me, I think.)

Good thread, Annie. Lots to ponder.

Anne