Has breast cancer changed the person you are?

guitarGrl

I don't see how it's possible to ever be "normal" again - one of the things my onc told me when I first met her was that I'd be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life every time the littlest thing happened.

And people may not realize it, but they treat you differently. On of my favorites is the "you are so strong" comment. I'm not. I'm going through bottles of vodka because I don't know how to get back to being me. It's sort of patronizing. Would you walk up to any old friend who hasn't had the disease and say that to them?

I've noticed that I'm more at ease with other people who have had any cancer than with people who haven't. 

I've also become a person who hates to leave her house - I live a mile from the beach and can't get myself to go for a walk there.

But there is a good change too. Work drives me crazy - they invent bureaucracies where none are needed and come up with kindergarten like policies that treat you like you don't have a brain. I still notice these when they happen, and might even get angry at first, but like others of you have come to realize that why sweat the small stuff. I'm never going to change their minds - I might as well let it go.

And priz47 - there is a reason to smile all the time - it keeps people on the outside. But that's only with people who you aren't close to. You also learn who you are close to by who does help you or who is always conveniently out of town.

susan 

HeatherBLocklear

Man, I wish every physician, husband, friend, and relative of a BC victim could be required to read this thread. I refuse to call myself a "survivor" and refused even before being diagnosed with mets. Nobody who has BC is a "survivor." Instead, we're victims -- first victims of the disease itself, and second, victims of the indelible trace it establishes in our lives and psyches. If physicians, husbands, friends, and relatives of BC victims read this thread, they'd all learn so much, and we might benefit from that greater understanding. Wouldn't that be nice?! Bump.

guitarGrl

At first I misread "bump" as "burp." Annie - I guessI had too much of that vodka tonight ...

my3girls

Celtic....I loved your post.  Quite a different spin on BC. I am glad it changed you in a positive way..giving you a Jimmy Stewart experience. I have to agree..I was very fortunate to have co-workers, friends and family rally around me in a way I could have never dreamed of. It sure helped me stay more positive.

Heather...I agree...I think all of the docs, and relative's of BC victims could read this...I think it would be quite an eye opener.

darsura

Just wondering if

Deb-from-Ohio

I used to be a happy go lucky person, you know the one, always lookin for a laugh or ways of trying to make people smile, but anymore it just seems as if the light has gone out.....I very seldom smile anymore, about all I have on my mind anymore is how long it's going to be before I'm done with treatment......and even after that, knowing I will be wondering for the rest of my life if it's going to come back...I don't have as much patience anymore and I used to the Saint of Patience...Like alot of the rest of you, I've learned to say No to alot of people who used to use me........On the positive side, I have found out just how much my DH loves me.....(ya know even in the best of marriages there is some doubt).....who my friends truly are,  and that life is too short......So from now on, if I want something, I will get it....if I want that candy bar, I will eat it......and no more putting those "good panties" in the drawer for a special occasion, I will wear them..........

Estepp

Nicely said Debbie.

I feel the same way about a lot of what you wrote.

spar2

I know the little things don't bother me like they use too.  I don't clean house near as much as I use to.  I relax more, try to travel more.  Let my friends know I care more.  I don't take anything or anybody for granted any more.  My heart breaks a little more with each new diagnosis that comes to the board.  Tears fall frequently for those that pass on to be angels which seems entirely too many.  We need a cure and we need it fast. 

Alo123

Personally I have good days and bad days.....I have opened my mouth and said things to people I wish I didn't say.  I've acted indignant because I felt entitled....I have had days I didn't like the negative person I had become....

I found myself talking about cancer with my friends ad naseaum.....and still they are my friends....

I refuse to let this disease make me into someone I am not!!!  It's not worthy....but damn if I have to keep reminding myself of that!!!!  I f*#@*in hate cancer!!!!

Deb-from-Ohio

Ya know Spar, I guess I had my head in the sand all those years that have passed but I never knew how widespread BC was......as with you, it breaks my heart to see that "Just Diagnosed".....and it's just everyday, numerous ones.....and this is just one board........and the losses, it's unacceptable......and I hear Obama is pushing for more studies on Spinal Cord injuries.....while I understand they have problems too, look at how many women die from this each year, Do these lives not count? It just tears at me everyday...........

KAK

Wow, I can't believe you all bumped up this thread just now!  I just wrote a long post on my blog about this very subject.  My brain is fried.  Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not.  I didn't even have to have chemo, so I can't blame it on chemo-brain.  (the blog is at www.accidentalamazon.com)

Our president's mom died of breast cancer, I understand, so I think we can put some pressure on him.  Plus, he has a website:  http://whitehouse.gov.  I'm planning to write him a long email about the healthcare issue one of these days.

toyful

I am on my 3rd go round with bc in the last 7 years. The first time, in 2002, it was very life changing in that I got rid of many bad relationships in my life. I suddenly realized that life was finite and I was not going to waste it being with people who I did not respect and who did not respect me. After a lumpectomy, 7 hard lonely months of chemo and 2 months of rads, I finished treatment and was still reeling a bit, but felt pretty happy once I felt good again. One year later the cancer returned and then I had a double masectomy and a hysterectomy. This time, I took another hard look at my life and cleaned it up a little more, trying to only surround myself with positive energy. For the next 4 years, I did not worry about a recurrence, thinking that it was all taken care of with the masectomy and hysterectomy. I tried to fully enjoy life, and I did indeed feel very at peace just to be alive and able to enjoy life again. Then last January (2008) I found out that even though I had been seeing the oncologist every 3 months for 4 years, they did not catch a recurrence of 5 tumors in my chest wall until I came in with horrible chest pain. They had basically "forgotten" to schedule any scans for me in these 4 years because my tumor markers always looked good and nothing showed up on chest x-ray. Now I was really angry because I felt that they had dropped the ball and that it was my fault because I did not even realize it! My life has changed alot since that diagnosis, because now I am stage 4, have been on several different chemos this year, and really have no end date in sight. I remember how miserable I was when I was going through my 1st chemo 7 years ago, but when I read that others are halfway through their first chemo, I wish I could have a treatment that had an end date! My oncologist says that I will probably be on chemo until I am dead with hopefully some periods of remission. So far, every 3 months each chemo stops working and I have to switch to another chemo. For the last year, all of my favorite things that I like to do that help me feel sane, I am unable to do for one reason or another to do with treatment or side effects or just tumor pain. (Gardening, working out, yoga, working at my once-burgeoning business, dancing, lovemaking, hiking, biking, you get the point). It is hard pill to swallow. All of my friends think I have a great attitude, which I would agree with considering my situation. My only way of getting through this (and I feel like I am just walking towards death) is to try to exclusively live in the moment as much as I am able. If anything particularly worries me, like "oh I hope my 4th port does not get infected like my 3rd one did 4 months ago" I try to release this problem to the Universe and let it deal with it. I have found this technique of surrender so helpful throughout the last year. Things really seem to turn out better when I surrender the worry about it to another place.

firstmate

Toyful - so sorry to hear your story.  My heart breaks for you.

Dciudill - I agree with you -"my light has gone out".  I had a bil mastectomy in March and I am undergoing reconstruction.  I am so sad all the time, and cry so often.  I am now getting counseling and on anti-depressants and Ativan.  Before, I never took anything stronger than Motrin.  I am trying to keep busy to distract myself, but that is all it is a distraction.  I have no interest in anything.  And on top of that, my bf and I have not been getting along well and the relationship may not survive.  I am just so sad.  I just don't know what to do to get emotionally healthy again.

kerry_lamb

Hey girls! I posted on here months and months ago, I think. I purposefully have not re-read my post. I am 4 months out of treatment and feeling fantastic for a few reasons..I moved house to a really peaceful location (no more trucks rattling the windows at 3am), finished the school year (I am a teacher) and of course the amount of shit in my bloodstream has been reduced significantly. I can breathe oxygen again. I don't consider myself a survivor either, Heather B. I consider myself a hostage, or worse still, a person almost like in a witness protection program! It pisses me off that I have to live in a state of constant vigilance until I die, not connected to the life I used to know. I hate having to build my health from scratch. But do you know what? At another level I feel as though I have been 'slapped awake'. I feel as though my life must have an awesome purpose and I really want to find out what it is. Michelle, your situation made me feel so humble! Your approach of living in the moment reminds us so beautifully that, in reality, that is all we can do. I also think of other chronic illnesses, or disasters (like strokes) and remind myself that at least I can go to war with this fecker. One of my beautiful, beautiful 17 yo students cannot do that. He was thrown out of a car last December and is paralyzed from the neck down. No war for him. Many things need to happen. Firstly, this 'awareness' shit has to stop. The pink thing has morphed into a disgusting opportunistic monster that has long since failed to benefit the girls on this board and their loved ones. What we want is a CURE. What we want is REAL financial relief for families bled dry by having to live in the medical world. We need massive public acknowledgement that post diagnosis of BC is actually Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I want our politicians to match every cent of the military and space-exploration budgets with funds for cancer research and rehabilitation. Oh I'm 'slapped awake' alright, and I am going to use my newly-recovered health..such as it is!..to really LIVE the minutes of my life.

Deb-from-Ohio

kak

  Obama's mother died of ovarian and uterus cancer.......but you're on a good idea......what if, EVERY single woman/man of this board alone  emailed Obama asking for more research, a cure, etc? This board alone would generate ALOT of emails.....Not only that but we could get our friends to do this also......This is a new President, it could be our chance.....we can mold him.........Not to mention if we can get enough to do it, think of the publicity it would bring to our fight....see the headlines now, "Pres..Obama inundated by emails from women suffering with Breast Cancer"......We could pick  one day.....and send them on that certain day.......I say we go for it! Worth a shot.....now we need someone who is good at organizing,to pick a date, mention things that really need to be brought up......and we can add our own goodies........

Deb

KAK

Deb, excellent idea  --  I'm gonna work on it!  For real.  I work in healthcare & I'm sick of this crap.

I figure we need to give the poor man a little time to find all the bathrooms & work on the economy -- then, ZAPPO!!!

Deb-from-Ohio

Check out the thread in the forum titled "Commerating Our Loved Ones"  We have the ball rolling! This is to honor not only Alaska Deb but all the other Angels........

Deb

robinri

Well, I have a friend who has been through this as well. I am just at the 2nd round of chemo so I have no perspective. Sure I am Possitive outwardly.. but inside I am still scared motionless sometimes.

My friend says.. 3 years. Then you will get yourelf back to some extent. Atleast be able to quantitate what "you" is now.

So..I say lets all get through one day at a time and if that day is too horendous take a pill! We WILL emerge eventually but it takes time. I am personally tiered of hearing that too but I guess it does..and we just have to truck on through and get lemonade where we can!

Cheers! Heres to more good times ahead.

Robin

otter

bumping--in honor of our friend, the fire-breathing dragon.

otter 

cmb35

Otter, I started crying, AGAIN, when I saw this.

I was so very sad to hear about Annie...

Cheryl60

Personally I think they should take the word NORMAL out of the dictionary...There is NO such thing as normal!  And especially for those who have been striken with BC...each day brings new hurdles and we try to jump them and continue on.

What i find in dealing with BC is to try to NOT think about it 24/7.  This is hard some days...it can take over your life.  I'm trying really hard to be grateful for all that I do have (other than BC) and enjoy things and life as much as possible. 

Well this is todays thought...Lord only knows what tomorrow will bring! hahaha Cheryl

Beesie

otter, thank you for bumping this thread.

It's unbelieveable to me that we've lost Annie.  She may have felt that she was "neither uplifted nor ennobled by this experience" but she uplifted and ennobled all of us who had the great fortune to know her on this board.  She will be greatly missed.

    Peace be with our fire-breathing dragon, our wonderful Annie Camel Tail! 

swimangel72

I am so shocked and saddened by the news of our fire-breathing Annie, my heart is broken, broken, broken. Her voice is so crystal clear intelligent funny and warm - that it seems IMPOSSIBLE to believe she's gone - it just can't be true. 

AnnNYC

Missing her terribly.  Really thought she was busy getting started on a new semester.

Very well said, Beesie: "she uplifted and ennobled all of us who had the great fortune to know her."

Thank you for bumping the thread, otter.

Swimangel, hope you are feeling good (aren't you and I both from families of 5 girls, 3 boys???).

Love to all,

Ann

barbe1958

On the thread for Alaska Deb, there is a request for all of us to send an email to Obama. I think we are doing it on Valentines day....not sure, I'll have to check it out.

I agree with everything I just read above! Forget the PR for breast cancer. WE know what it is!

Gave me shivers to see Annie's thread pop up as an active topic. I had read her New Years post and then her death notice. I thought I was too new to this site to "know" one of us.... 

KAK

I'm so sad, I can't believe it.