Has breast cancer changed the person you are?

I'm glad you started this thread, I'm not the same either, I'm angrier and more verbal about it. I too find myself writing letters to companies if there products don't work.  I've hollered at my tele srvc provider until I got over three hundred dollars in credits.  I'm not as energetic, my house still isn't as clean as it should be.  I get tired and dizzy whenever I'm out in the sun.  I can look at my messy bedroom and say f it, to tired.  Before everything in it's place couldn't stand any disorganization now it's like I think whats the point.  I did find a really good product for wrinkled clothes, Downy Wrinkle Releaser, found four bottles in Red Lake wrote Proctor and Gamble and they told me they only sell in the states so I'm hoarding it like it's worth gold.  But it gets wrinkles out of everything and it smells just washed.  I hate this attitude now that I'm actually writing it, but I don't have the energy to do anything about it.  No heroism from me cancer sucks.

I have changed in ways that are better for me. Whether it's better for anyone else, I don't care.  And the fact that I don't care anymore is one of the changes I've made! 

I never was one to put up with much crap, but now I'm even less likely to.  I guess the difference in how I behave is that now, rather than get angry, most of the time I just walk away.  I'm more selective in where and how I expend my energy; I don't sweat the small stuff anymore.  Not that I've become a wimp.  If I think that someone - or some company - is being intentionally difficult/evasive/sleazy/whatever, I will go at them until I'm satisfied that they got the message.  But if it's clearly not intentional (an incompetent sales person who simply doesn't know any better, for example), then I just let it drop.  I might make it a point to never deal with that person again, but there is no reason why they need to know that. 

For all of us who haven't changed for the better from this experience, here's the book to read: http://breastcancer.about.com/od/bookreviews/gr/engelberg_comic.htm  I haven't read it yet, but plan to.

Annie, your post has really made me think about the "changed person" issue.  I'm making some notes on another page, so I can respond properly once I take the clothes out of the dryer and start another load in the washer.  (That much has returned to normal.)

I do want to point out two things right now, though.  You said this:

"Women (and men) who have gone through cancer supposedly emerge on the other side wiser, more grateful for what they have, and better able to put things into perspective. ... I'm afraid I'm not like that. I used to be cheerful, optimistic, energetic, helpful, always ready for adventure, and -- I believe -- fairly compassionate and empathetic. Now I'm becoming increasingly surly, cynical, self-centered, paranoid, and ... pissed off."

First, the people to whom you're referring are a component of the "Be Positive!" cancer culture.  It is no more reasonable to expect all cancer survivors (I hate that phrase) to achieve a state of Nirvana, than it is to expect all people undergoing cancer treatment to display a "positive attitude."  I respect people who wake up the day after chemo and find themselves "born again" (in whatever sense).  I'd just like to find where all my pieces went, so I can glue myself back together again.  Right now, I'm trying to find where I put that zip-lock baggie full of hair...

OK, the second thing is obvious:  the people to whom you're referring have "gone through cancer" and "emerged on the other side."  You're not there, yet--you are still slogging through the worst of it.  You haven't finished chemo, you haven't had surgery yet, and you don't know what comes after that.  So, how can you expect yourself to be wiser, more grateful, and better able to put things in perspective?  You have no point of reference yet.

And, anyway, so what if you're more cynical once you've found your way through the tunnel?  Sometimes that bright light at the other end does let us see things differently, but the new scene isn't always pretty.  Some of my favorite and most beloved friends and relatives have been "grumpy old men" ... and women.

I would be proud if you were one of them.

otter 

I am having a rough time right now -- but I can't say it's because of cancer.

I was always a disorganized person prone to depression -- but now my home is completely awash in paperwork, and it's a crisis that I'm having a hard time digging myself out of.

Didn't even have chemo, so I can't blame that.  I have to say that mastectomy and aromasin have not been a TOTAL breeze.

The best thing I can say about the whole experience is that for whatever reason -- cancer, finally reaching some kind of maturity, midlife crisis, or the influence of the women right here, all being so honestly themselves through the heaviest of circumstances -- I do feel that I am seeing myself more honestly.  But the view is not so good!  A lot of trying to be good, but sometimes with poor judgment... and often with poor follow-through...

So -- this doesn't feel so good...

You know, if I was seeing a therapist they would probably say having such a negative view of myself wasn't really ACCURATE.  I don't know if I'd believe them.

But I would believe them if they told Annie that!  Or Pearl!  Or C0ll33n!

Beesie, kudos to you for avoiding "negative self-talk", as it seems you do !!!  Thanks for the link to the book.

Annie, the only bad thing about feeling "surly, cynical, self-centered, paranoid, and ... pissed off" is if it feels bad to YOU.  I'm sure any nasty letter or sarcastic book review you pen is richly deserved and a GIFT to your readers!!!!!!!!

Pearl, your anger got you $300!!!!  I'd say that's a change for the better!!!  At least, "pocket change" for the better!

C0113n -- your own doctor is telling you chemo and radiation was a walk in the park for her nurse???!!!!  OM-f***ing-G!  That is just one of the worst things I have ever heard! 

(My ex-boss, a rheumatologist, kept complaining that I didn't come back to work in the afternoon following lumpectomy in the morning!!!! and that I took too much time off after mastectomy, telling me that a mastectomy had been a "walk in the park" for her best friend, another crazy doctor -- but at least those two weren't MY doctors!!!)

EDIT: PS -- Obviously, it took me so long to write this that Nancy, Linda and Otter had already posted, unseen by me! I second everything you all said!  "Less patience is a virtue!" "Annie, you're still in the thick of battle, not 'emerged'!" "Some of my favorite people are grumpy old men -- and women!"  (Which reminds me, I think some of us may be struggling to some degree with strictures against women being "grumpy" and "self-centered" -- maybe grumpiness and self-centered-ness are also virtues when fighting to regain one's health!)

I'm still morphing into whatever I am to become but I know I will not be the same person when this is all over. I don't know if the change will be permanent or temporary. I definitely have less patience! I want more me time and fewer demanding people wanting me to take care of them. On the flip side, I don't take some things as seriously as before and am more forgiving in many ways.

This is a very interesting thread .... I'm divorced with no kids living by myself ... so when I was diagnosed, my siblings (7 of them) got really worried.  They tried to be helpful by wanting to make decisions for me ... like .. have me go to GA to stay with my oldest sister while getting chemo treatments ...  I had to send a nasty, reminder e-mail to them saying I haven't lost my thinking abilities yet ... I only lost my boobs ... (All my sisters are nurses - 5 of them) ...

I got upset at my Onc ... when she said .... "Oh I had a patient who was more tiny than you (I'm 5'1" and 103 lbs) who just breezed through the chemo with no problems" ... thanks a lot ..  as though that comment was going to make me feel better ... I was feeling lousier and weaker after every AC session (I had 4 of those) ... I decided to take a leave of absence from work after the 2nd session, because I can't deal with giving only 50% of myself at work due to fatigue and lack of focus and added stress ...

I was very depressed after my first chemo and asked for a lot of prayers from family and friends ... and when you're depressed, any remnant of positive energy is zapped ... my siblings (from NJ, GA, Philippines) took turns in being with me during the week  when I got my coctail.  They all meant well and I thank God for all of them.  My Dad also came and stayed for a week after my surgery.  They were very supportive and I'm sure they were very patient with me during those days, when things were not as perfect as I'd want things to be, when I was not very choosy with my words and would be upset when the asparagus was not cooked right or if the bathroom was not cleaned properly, etc. ...

But I've calmed down now (chemo over) and ready to go to work... I was very active (doing amateur ballroom dancing competitively) and now with muscle weakness in my legs and swelling in my feet, it's very frustrating ... But I'm one of those who choose to be positive and expect the best in every situation ... Will things be back to normal ... who knows ...  but I'm not going to worry ... I'm tossing this concern to God's "in basket".

Has Breast Cancer changed me?  Absolutely.   Right now it's not for the better but I really hope I can somehow find that person again.  I was dx only 2 months ago and have already had a bilateral mastectomy and my first chemo treatment.  Before dx, I was a pretty happy carefree person.  I never had to rely on any types of medication to get me through the day.  The worst time for me seems to be when I first wake up in the morning.  Although it's getting a little better I wake up in a panicked state.  I have my ativan on my nightstand so I can take it immediately.  I hate that I have to rely on drugs to get me through the day.  I hate that I can't sleep and have to take an Ambien almost every night.  While I don't have any second thoughts about getting rid of my breasts I hate that I now find myself staring at other woman's breast wondering if they're real or if they too had bc and had reconstruction.  I hate that every ache I feel makes me worry that the cancer has spread.  The part I hate most of all is worrying that I'm going to worry about this every day for the rest of my life.   

I'm curious AnneW and any others on this thread, what kind of medication have you found most helpful for the depression that so often follow treatment and for  getting sleep at night?

femme 

Hmm, interesting thread.  I was diagnosed with bc 7 years ago.  I find it hard to believe I would be the same as I was 7 years ago, had I not been diagnosed with bc.  Life is a journey and a learning experience, no doubt some are good and some are bad, but I believe it is the bad experiences that shape us more (more of a learning experience as they are tougher times!).  So where has the cancer journey changed me?  I carefully weigh what is important to me.  I still am a fierce lioness when it comes to my husband and my 2 children.  I obsess less about a virtually spotless house (but havn't quit cleaning). I truly have a difficult time being around situations that impact me in a negative way, but try my best to not be too critical. I exercise more, eat healthier and quit smoking.  I include myself in the "putting others first" phrase more.  If a situation piles too much negativity into my life (and it has to be tremendous due to my patient nature and sense of humour - which by the way I never lost), I distance myself or move on from the situation, and this is probably best for all in the end.  I am more "out there", outgoing and going after what I feel is important in life and good for me and my family.   If I didnt have cancer how would life's experiences have changed me to bring me to this time in my life?  I cant answer that. Humans grow and shed outer skin cells about every 27 days, and neruons in our brains continue to grow throughout human life, so why wouldn't we (our personalities) change throughout life too.   Its a journey.

Something I forgot...Will just add...Instead of editing.

Cause this is a biggy.

I have no Ambition!   I ran my own Business by myself before bc...I am trying to get it going again...I need the income.  But I dont want to.  I used to enjoy it.  I dont now.

Part of it is because I lost so many of my Customers/sales...Its like why bother.  I am depressed over losing that.  It took me years to build. (yes the economy is slow- But new businesses like mine have popped up since I was gone- they are getting sales- from my customers    I know that as a fact)  I used to pride myself on how fast I got orders Sewn & Sent!   And My Customers really loved that fact...Now I get an order  & I totally forget I even got it...For days!  Before they would have gotten their item by then.

I forgot how to do alot of my Work..Its taking me time to remember.

 And I need to work instead of sit & read here all day!   Its what I like to do now....I need to move back alittle from it...

I do need to take time to actually work each day!

Pam

femme,

I didn't take anything for depression, but Ambien puts me to sleep, which allows my body to heal. If I don't take them, my brain becomes a hamster wheel of thoughts that won't stop. It's the only way I'm able to turn off my brain. For me it works...

Linda

Summer:  What kind of treatments did you have in 2001?

femme,

Lorazepam helped me sleep and helped calm me down.  In so doing it helped reduce my depression.  I also turned to God and prayed and read the scriptures, watched and listened to christian cable channels and got reminded of God's love and promises.

Annie 

Hugs Tricia ... you'll get your spark back a little bit at a time, one day at a time.

Yes, this experience has definitely changed me.  I still work too much though and that is something that I would really like to change.  I am not as worried about the cleaning and household chores/errands.  It will get done when it gets done!  For me the biggest realization was that "Yes, I really am going to die someday".  I always lived my life waiting for something else, like when the kids go to school or when we retire.... etc.  I never really sat back and thought that the time of my life is now....it is not going to start when something else happens. 

I am almost two years out of treatment and just turned 50 this year (UGH!)  I move at a slower pace and take my time with things.  I am much kinder and way less judgmental than I used to be.  But, I have found that I cannot deal with problems or complications of any sort as good as I used to.  If my kids call with a problem or my husband is complaining about work, etc., I really just can't react the way that I used to.  I think I am emotionally spent.  I am grateful that my cancer was caught but I mourn my now mutilated body every day.  I do try to put on a "happy face" every day for my husband and kids, but there are scars from this journey that go way deeper than what can be seen. 

This journey has awakened in me my mortal self and because of that, I am now preparing for my death.  I am going to make a quilt for each of my boys, I am going to make memory books for each them with personal notes from me, and I am going to make them a little journal of what I think of as life's lessons.  I hate cancer and what it does, but it did not take me and this has given me the time to leave behind a little piece of myself for those I care about so that they know how much I love them.