Starting Chemo May 2008

Eddie,

I love you too.

Sue

P.S. I am sorry I may have started the pity party--I want you to know I am now picking my forlorn ass up out of the recliner and cleaning one bathroom. 

I love you too eddie and I also think you are pretty darn tootin cool as well!

Sable -- more on what a tooling designer does, if you don't mind? (I love hearing about people's jobs, hobbies, etc.)

Eddie -- well said, well said.

LisaO -- My ovaries are coming out because a) I'm BRCA2+ and ER+ and b) I had a lumpectomy, not a masectomy. I never have wanted children but! I gotta say, I am very attached to my ovaries and all of my body parts, for that matter.  I don't want to let any of me go, if that makes sense.  Even when my feet were in open rebellion, they were/are still my feet! 

I'm not afraid of surgery, I just don't like the feeling of having to remove physical parts of myself in order to be "healthy."

And I wanna say to my ovaries, "I'm sorry that I have to let you go. You didn't do anything wrong. You were just doing your job...It's not your fault" It's like I'm being forced to fire them.  And I feel so bad about that. Removing a tumor? I get that. But removing otherwise healthy tissue?  I can't wrap my brain around it but I need to.

Sue -- I'm so glad you're "back" in more ways than one.

***** 

I love scrollng through our avatars and seeing our smiling faces.  Do you think anybody with more tech talent than me could create one "post" with our pictures in it, perhaps? (Much as I love the udder cream, I'm feeling a need to change my avatar again.)

just thought i would join you girls and put myself out there, the pic is a little old it was taken just after i had my head buzzed , so needless to say i have fewer hairs hanging on now. But i forgot my camera out at the cabin so will update when i can.

It's been a good day, i can actually almost taste food again as my mouth is making its way out of the gutter,  Had a bit of worry yesterday as my temp in the after noon was hovering around 37.7 for a little while (our cut off is 38 up here before you have to make your way to emerg! ) But by bedtime and taking my temp neurotically all night it settled down. Maybe it was just the heat of the day ?

Rock I will be going down the same road as you , as my ovaries to will be leaving and going on to better places. I just figure i'm done with them and other than giving me a cause to worry down the road there is no point in keeping them.   But that will be done after radiation so a ways away and maybe by then i will have done my gene testing and my thoughts will be different.

Hope everyone has a restfull weekend

Hmmmm...."Ovaries...I'm done with them, they've done their job, time to let 'em go..." Now that could work! Thank you, Angels! That is very helpful!  (I hope you're staying cool, internally and externally.)

I love the photo.  I just keep scrolling up and down this page, and I can't help but smile (back). I'm a sucker for images of strong and confident real women, and otters, and mice, too!  Look at us! I mean look at us!

***
Cris -- what happens for you after A/C?  I swear, Taxol is a breeze for me compared to A/C.  I am so so sorry you are feeling like crap.  To the extent you can, just baby yourself.  And when the worst of the side effects lift? baby yourself some more for good measure.  (Have you treated yourself to something nice lately? I don't know... like a new bright green bath towel or a piece of jewelry or a new set of sheets or pajamas?). Vent all you want. 

Putting some of our less-than-happy feelings and thoughts out there does NOT mean we intend to roll around in them or give them their own ZIP code. We are nearly always more than we might appear to be at a given moment, you know?

xoxoxo

Hey all,

Geez, I am away for a couple of days and come back and you all are having the same crappy time I am...

Chemo went really well, but the SEs are lousy, I am so tired all the time and just plain queasy.  And yes Chris, I am yelling at my poor kids over here, what is happening??????Ahhhh, I hate this, but at least its my last A/C...woo hoo....

gotta hit the Pepcid right now, I am burping and burning like mad!!!

more later, prayers to all of you, randie

Wow, so many things to respond to or just think about . . .

Cris, I'm so sorry you're feeling yukky.  I hope you're in bed now and wake up refreshed.

I was going to post something that I was afraid was going to be way off topic, but thanks to Eddie's mountain analogy, it no longer seems so far out.  Anyhow, among the pile of books and DVDs friends lent me after my surgery - most of which are still unread/unviewed - was Jon Krakauer's "Into Thin Air," about an Everest expedition that went horribly awry.  (Wait, bear with me!  The mountain we're climbing isn't Everest, and it isn't going to go awry - I'm free associating from Eddie's metaphor, not extending it.)  Anyhow, in addition to being sickly fascinated by the story, I was weirded out to learn that dexamethasone is used to treat altitude sickness.  Krakauer describes it as a "powerful steroid."  At various points in his narrative, climbers in trouble pop the same 4 mg pills that many of us are taking, and miraculously revive. 

For some reason, that cracked me up . . . I guess because it put that little prescription container in my medicine cabinet in a new, more glamorous light.  "Dexamethasone: drug of choice for mountain climbers and breast cancer patients.

Side effects from last week's Taxotere (this is, let's see, Day 9 counting chemo day as Day 1) are mostly resolving (mouth's still dry and tender).  I did find out that my Day 7 white count crashed, for the first time -- neutrophils were <1k.  My counts were fantastic all through dd A/C, but for some reason, 3-weekly Taxotere is messing with them, even with the same Neupogen support.  So I'm being careful, and hoping that by now they're headed back up.

Love to all of you.  I pick my daughter up from camp tomorrow, can't wait to see her.  I want her to rub my head and tell me how much more stubbly it feels (which it does, by the way . . . I still look bald, but there's definitely some new growth up there).

Linda 

Sable,

I was an air traffic controller for thirty years.  Then two years ago, I took a job in Air Traffic quality assurance--now I investigate pilot errors and controller mistakes. It is fascinating work and I get paid to be nosy.  I work at Dallas/Ft. Worth in the radar room, and up until breast cancer, still stayed current on the boards.  Because of all the medicines, I am now medically disqualified, but luckily can still do the investigative work and therefore, still have a job.  I LOVED working airplanes, it was a great career, and I guess I choose to look at it as I went out at the top of my game.  The only sad part was that I didn't know the last time I worked airplanes was the last time.  So that's what I do. I have been able to work about half the time during chemo, and I plan to retire in January. At least that's the plan right now.

So steroids are the drug of choice for breast cancer and mountain climbing. What a bizarre coincidence. 

Love you guys, going to bed.  Thanks for your help through my difficult day today, maybe I can give back tomorrow.

Sue 

I am currently a stay at home mom.  I was the career girl...I worked in the debit/credit card/data processing/technology (yeah, they do all go together...lol) industry for 15 years..then made that "awesome" move to the dot com world.  Big mistake...as most of us know...that crashed big time.  After 2 miserable years of looking for work at the worst time in Seattle, I finally accepted that I'm taking a career break.  So here I am 6 years later.  I was actually starting to look for a new opportunity when "this" happened.  All kids have graduated except for my little guy who just finished 2nd grade.  So at this point, I'm hoping to find something that I can like, after all is said and done with treatment.  Looking at today's workforce doesn't excite me in the slightest.  Work ethics are not what they used to be and that is just downright scary.  I'm starting to wonder if I can find something in an Oncology office as support for women like us.

So tonight, my DH takes me out to a wonderful seafood restaurant (for Eddie - we hit Anthony's Homeport here in Bremerton).  It was awesome.  Afterwards we decided to head out to the local casino.  Things are going well...I can ignore the looks of people I don't know.  They don't really bother me.  Frankly, I'm at home so much I just enjoy getting out.  A woman passes by..DH says "Did you see So And So pass by?"  I said I did.  This So and So has done my nails every two weeks for 3 years (I took them off as soon as I suspected BC and she knew the reason).  She definitely saw my DH so had to have seen me..didn't stop or say anything.  I thought it odd because we were close enough to warrant an acknowledgement.  Hell, I listened to her marriage problems, her health problems, he business problems for the last 3 years.

So a bit later, I'm walking around and I see her from behind.  I thought "Oh, there is So and So"...quickly followed by "You know what..I'm not letting her get away with acting as if I'm not here"  I tapped her shoulder, forcing her to actually look at me.  I engaged conversation, asked how she was, etc.  I didn't go into the BC stuff, because she obviously was uncomfortable...but I did make her face me.  Selfish So and So.

I've had so little interaction with people who are afraid to face me or people outside of my house.  I have my family here at home...it is what it is here.  We all love each other and accept and move forward.  I think I'll stick to hanging with my family.  Other people...well they just suck.  Do people know they can't catch BC?

~Adrienne

Sue - yin and yang, you struck a chord....I love chinese philosophy!  Your Brisbane friend sounds fantastic, as you do too.  Not enough time in one person's lifetime to try absolutely everything, but between your friend and yourself you have it covered...how cool is that!!

Eddie - sooo spot on!!

Lisax

Good morning to all.

Eddie:  Your post was awesome, just what I needed.  Wasn't it you that also gave the lego block visualization that I think about after each tx??  Your timing seems to be impeccable.  Also, I am going to agree with Rock that the Taxol (still only on day 4), is easier than the AC.  There are still SEs, but having little or no nausea is nice - not taking the multitude of anti-nausea meds is a relief.

Ovaries:  To keep or not to keep.  Although I would prefer to keep mine as well, my OBGYN recommended that I have them removed because I was diagnosed as "strongly positive" ER/PR.  She indicated that I have 10 estrogen producing years ahead of me (I am 42), knowing I will be on the blocking pills for only 5.  I spoke with my onc about that and she indicated that she thought it was excessive measures at this time.  I would be curious to know what the rest of you hear on this.  Jean

Okay, here's my long and winding road career story after some medical info/questions/yadda yadda yadda..

BTW, No one told me that Zofran could stop working.  Could that possibly be why I feel like pukey crap these last 3 days? Sheesh.  I also got my steroid dose for the upcoming Taxol.  My onc told me that it was a large dose up front and that she would dial it back it I didn't need it.  Good news from her is that the tumor is now 1/3 - 1/4 of its size and lumpectomy-doable. But, I don;t want one and after reading, praying, venting,  blah blah I want them both off so I won't have this hanging over my head again. But, my ovary question is this, if they take them, do you still need to be on meds for 5 years?

Career time: Graduated pre-med, got into med school, decided to take a year off and went to California.  Got there, and didn;t want to leave the beach area where I landed, got my real estate license, got a general contractor's license, worked on flipping houses, my ex decided that if I had a law degree that would help, so went to law school, dumped the a++hole, met my dh while I was going to night law school and working for the local police dept as a criminal process server.  Graduated law school, practiced some criminal and family law, oops, forgot to mention that last 2 years of law school had a baby.  DH was medically retired with 3 weeks notice, I was 5 months pregnant, FIL had Alzheimer's, MIL needed help, we moved up to he country with them, they put a second house on the property, FIL passed away 1 year later, had 2 more kids, never went back to law.  Did the stay at home route on and off, plus took my state emergency credentials route so I can substitute teach. Can you all tell I love to tke tests?  Seriously, they are so much fun, I wish people could pay me to take their tests...just not medical tests! We home school our kids,so that lead to some teaching part-time at co-ops and then at my current job, where I started off tutoring algebra students and then ended up teaching geometry and algebra to charter students. Whew.....now I decided to give it up for the summer and go back in September.  I love tutoring math, so I will try and keep that up. 

Hope this was intriguing and interesting reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol, randie

Sue,

Thanks.  Our oldest was 19 and just floating around, went to the local JC, was doing poorly (more due to the fact that he had a sleazy gf that he decided to keep a secret, so spent all of his time skipping classes and seeing her, which she encouraged!).  He decided to check out the Army Reserves, came home that night and had signed up for regular Army.  What a surprise, after a couple of months, he went to basic and after basic they sent him to language school for 1 year (wonderful, since it was right here in calif, 4 hours from us), met his wife there and now they are both in Germany and having a baby in October.  All this in 2 years, what a turn-around.  Now, he has decide to forego Special Forces (yeah!!) and get his 4 year degree, go to OCS and go back to the language school and teach.

So, I guess the more we worry, the more we worry....lol...my only advice to all my kids is to make sure that they travel every chance they get.  During my wandering years, I did Australia, the Caribbean, Mexico and Canada.  had the best time and now I don't feel "stuck" here in the boonies!

have a se-free sunday all!! randie

Hey girls,

It's taken me several hours to feel up to writing.  Today's only slightly better than yesterday, but I haven't hit the afternoon yet (bad time).  I am seriously thinking about calling the onc on his personal cell phone (which he gave me) and say "It's not wooorrrking" (as in, Zofran).  Maybe he will call something in across the street to Walgreens (I live there now). 

Career day, huh?  Okay, here goes...I went straight from undergrad into graduate school for clinical psychology.  Did 4 years of graduate school and one year of internship (in PA and loved it there - would have stayed if they had offered me a job).  Moved back to CA and started a private practice - HATED that.  So I got a job in state service in a state hosptial/developmental center.  I had never worked with the developmentally disabled population, but loved them.  Some of them were deaf as well, so I got to learn a little sign language, which I had always wanted to.  Then the state of CA in it's infinite wisdom decided there were just not enough state universities, so they closed our hospital/developmental center in the Ventura area of CA.  By this time, I was married and both my dh and I needed a job with the state.  So we got into corrections and moved waaaaayy up north to Cresecent City (20 miles south of the Oregon border).  Beautiful place to live - scary place to work.  It has been on the Discovery Channel - Pelican Bay State Prison.  Nothing like trial by fire in a new job!  Although we loved living up there, it was just too isolated for traveling and my stepson lives down in Ventura.  So, when I was 5 months pregnant with first dd, we moved to the Central Coast.  Dh works in the forensic state hospital and I still work at the prison.  This one, however, is the antithesis of Pelican Bay.  They have nicknamed it "Camp Snoopy".  I started out working directly with the inmate/patients (even I knew nothing about forensic/correctional psychology) and then about 8 years ago, developed a full-time internship for graduate students getting ready to finish their degree.  I am now Internship Training Director and a Senior Psychologist, Specialist.  I supervise the interns with psychological testing and still work directly with a few inmate/patients.  I actually really love it, although I would have never pictured myself here (in this position, with this population) when I was in grad school. 

So there you have it...Okay, now I'm gonna call the onc.  I'll let you know what he says.

Wow...what an interesting bunch of women. I got degrees in journalism then worked as a TV reporter for the CBS-affiliate in West Virginia. Loved men from the northwest while I went to college in Chicago (before the TV reporting) and was hooked up with a guy I loved who had two kids of his own and wanted no more so I (as they say) UP AND LEFT West Virginia (grew up in Denver) for Seattle. Had no job. Knew no one except a family of distant cousins (who became close cousins over the years here) and just decided that since I liked the guys I dated in college who lived in the northwest, may as well head there to settle. It worked. I started in Communications for the Seattle Schools then owned my own video business then started working for WEA (already told you about that) 18 years ago. The rest is history.

My shingles stopped itching. My eye is much better ...not goopy, but not quite right yet anyway. Taxol, here I come (this Thursday) so I am looking for some people to talk me through when the day gets closer. As you know, I always have a chemo date. This one includes my sister-in-law and a friend and we're going to play mah jong...can hardly wait. I figure if it's going to take five hours, I may as well have "the girls" around. Go see Mama Mia. All of you. It is campy and chicky and fun and nobody is sick and nobody has cancer and it rocks. The men and women are beautiful in it and the music will take you all back many years. Go see it right now.