Starting Chemo May 2008

Rock,

I am here.  Chemo put my a$$ to sleep all day yesterday, and all last night.  Just woke up.  Let the dogs out, made coffee, and here I am (hoping the coffee tastes normal).  Otter, I think we had the same Mom, a lot of the relationship stuff I chose to let go of through her dying five years ago. It's sad when you need unconditional mothering and the person is not capable of giving it to you.  I am sorry you have to go through that.  I do what rock says, just wrap up in a quilt and cry.  I rub my own belly and say,, Susie, it's all right.

Onc sez lump in remaining breast is same ole' fibrous cystic changes, at which point I stated I feel I deserve a lifetime pass from same.  Ha. Ha. Don't really feel like laughing about being afraid forever at the slightest thing. I am struggling with decisions about do i want recon, do I even want to keep the other breast, do I want a hysterectomy--my first response was get rid of these organs, they have done their job but now they are trying to kill me--and I don't need them!!  I was blessed with two babies, I got to breast feed for four years, I am ready to say goodby, remaining breast. I am strongly estrogen positive, so they are going to shut my ovaries down, so why do I need to keep them since I read my chance of ovarian cancer is doubled now that I have had breast cancer? Does all this sound paranoid and like a weird reaction to those of you who can relate?  I have felt this way since the moment I found out for sure I had breast cancer. I just don't want all that hanging over my head.  I'm too obsessive and fearful. I know this is very honest but it's the day after chemo and all my shields are down.  Does anybody have some superpower I can lean on today?  'Cause I'm feeling pretty tearful and down.

Love,

Sue 

P.S. Welcome Lisa O--glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.  Enjoy! 

Sue - So very glad to hear it's nothing to be too concerned about.  And you have every right to feel paranoid - we've all been or will be there, sometimes more than once!  You have to do what feels right to you and will let you live the most comfortably.  I have no real answers to questions, except that I might be there with you after I go see my OB/GYN (whom I trust implicitly) and get his opinion about the ovarian cancer possibility.  And I may do the BRCA testing to see where that is.  Sending you more {{{hugs}}}} and wish I could rub your tummy (hope that doesn't sound too wierd!).

Sable - Sorry for the cold.  I have felt like that, but mostly because of our smoke/wildfire issues here.  Our summer has really been taken over this year.

Noelle - Forgot to say congrats yesterday!  When do you move on to Herceptin?

Got to go get ready for hydration...back later.

Well Siouxsie, Susie, Sue,  we are all so glad to hear the other boob thing is just ole' fibrous cystic changes! 

 I think your concerns about all body parts are totally valid. I am just reading Lance Armstrongs book "Its not about the bike" and just finished the bit about his year after chemo was over and his fears and such. A short and easy read, get the book it already makes me feel stronger.. !

I am just  decided  to head into genetic testing ( my granny had a double mast with no biopsies 30 years ago so we don't know...) and have been thinking about the other side coming off too and recon and soy in my damned oatmeal mix etc.

   I am ER- but I can just as easily get another breast cancer that is ER+  down the line. All of this is freaky. I say tearful and down is the way we build ourselves back up to being strong the next day. It sounds cliche but without down there can be no up. Weep your heart out, snap out of it and move on. I swear, it is productive.  That said, my superpowers are all yours. I am an X-men team member after all. My first BC haircut (the white mohawk for those of you who recall) was a nod to "Storm"  the 80's version and the white wig is a nod to the millenium version. 

 Smile everyone! Make the best of your day ( I just dragged my chemo laden ass out of bed at 1pm, I am repeating this for myself as much as you) 

 Noelle  

Noelle,

Your words about tearful and down being the way we build ourselves back up helped me so much.  I am still tearful, but not as down.  And somehow thinking of myself as "Siouxsie" makes me feel stronger.

Love you guys.

Sue 

Why do we get mouth soars? And how can we prevent them? Thanx!

Laura

Rock,

Said "Is anyone noticing their emotions getting thrown around by chemopause?" Funny you should ask. I started to post a new thread the other night about depression and or emotional rollercoaster being a REAL SE of chemo.

After all 3 treatments of T/C on days 3 & 4 I would drive my family crazy. They didn't know how to deal with or respond to me. I would first fall into the pit of gloom. Worrying about things that never even cross my mind, turning every thought into a negative thought. Then I would be fine one minute and a B with an itch the next.

Anyway because it happened all 3 times and on the same days I do believe it is chemo related and a SE that they don't tell you about. Anyone else?

Enjoy the day, Karin

I must totally agree with pces (post chemo emotions syndrome).  I just called Blue Cross/Blue Shield to ask a question about my chemo bill and the gal was so nice and sincere with me (which is a surprise I know), I started crying.  Not because of the f^*#ing bill but because she was so nice.  I couldn't even say goodbye.  Day nine for me.  HunkyD

Sue, I just had to spray some nasal spray up my nose cause it was so plugged from crying.  The nasal spray was probably 3 years old but I said what the hell.  Now I guess I will have a beer and pretend everything is hunkydory.  What if we could play poker with our chips being positve BC cure points instead of money?  What a hell of a game we could have.  Few beers, everybody balling and giggling.  I don't even play poker but I think I would be a fast learner and willing to bluff.  Happy weekend to all. 

Aces & Eights, HunkyD

How are you counting days?

I had chemo on Wednesday. Late Thursday night my world was clearly ending. 

Okay...so next chemo, at least some of us will descend on Sue's porch to play poker and drink beer (or wine or what have you), yeah? 

"Follow the Queen" Rock 

Hey LisaO !

Another Aussie here..I have sent you a Private Message.

Go to MY Home to retrieve it.

Love your avatar!

jezza

I have not been an overly emotional person for years, until now.  It used to take a lot to make me cry, now, I could cry at the drop of a hat--I am not used to that and I definately don't like it.  I have always been a strong person and now there are times that I don't want ot be strong.  I have always been the one to take care of someone else (I've been a nurse for 18 years).  And one thing that I do know now is that I do not like being the patient--AT ALL!  This chemo crap, this BC crap has changed me forever and I know that, but hell, I want my life back, and deep down, I know that my life will never be the same.  Reading all the Mom stories-wishing that I still had mine.  (She died 26 years ago of BC)   If she were here today, she would be my biggest supporter.  I remember the strength and determination she had back then and I continue to learn from it.

I have been reading everyone's posts and I think to myself, "Yes, I know that feeling" or "Couldn't have said it better myself".  I sit here and cry with you all and laugh with you all and then am thankful that I have you all.  There are times that I don't even want to answer the phone because I don't want to have to answer the question "How are you feeling?"  Truthfully, the people in my life, don't want to really know, at least not the true gory feelings.  I know that they mean well, but I would like for them to understand that there are a lot of days that I just don't want to talk about it.  Right now, I prefer to be a hermit. 

WBC's are low, in spite of the Neulasta.  (Would hate to see what it would be like without it).  On antibiotics for what they think is cellulitis in my right elbow.  Waiting on BRCA results.  Wondering if food will ever taste the same--this is a biggie for me--I love food and now I don't enjoy it.   Chemo brain--it's almost hilarious.  I fixed DH some sandwiches to take to work the other day, then walked in the living room and told him that his sandwiches were on the kitchen table--he just started laughing, then I realized what I had said--we haven't had a kitchen table for 12 years!  (I actually left them on the stove).  We both had a good laugh.

Enough self pity--but it does feel good to get it out.  On the bright side, new grandson will be born in a couple of weeks, looking forward to holding that special baby boy! 

Love the poems!  You are all the greatest.  I will post a bald picture, hopefully soon.  I would have never thought that  I would let people see me without hair, but you know, I just don't care--I go to the store now bald bald-I draw a lot of strength from you all.

Done rambling--hope that everyone has a great weekend! 

Otter -  I think our Mom's must have gone to the same parenting class.  My mother doesn't even call to ask how I am after chemo.  My husband called her after the second one and asked her if she remembered I was going.  He though he was doing a nice thing reminding her.   Her response was that she knew I went and she was worried sick about me and why haven't I called to tell her how I am!  She is moving next week to a different room  in her senior living building and she tells me this week that I need to come with my dh and 2 dd's for a few hours each day this weekend to help her move!  I don't even have the energy to cook for clean and I should help her move.  So she responds that I can supervise.

Well I wrote this response this morning before work and am just getting back to the computer to see I never posted it!  I just scanned back a bit but going to go read more thoroughly.  But I did see some mention of emotions and I am also crying a bit which I usually never do. 

Have a great weekend everyone and feel good!

Hi Gracie - after 3 months of chemo my "chemo brain" is out of control!.  I used to pride myself on being intelligent, quick, sharp etc......not any more!!!

Lisax

Sue,

See, I knew there was something to it. Our days are the same also. I said days 3 & 4, you said days 2 & 3 but we were counting different. I started day 1 as the day after chemo not day of chemo.

Enjoy the day, Karin

Lovely women,

Welcome to the Aussies. We have Canadians as well. I wonder if others come on from other countries. Not only is it an honor and a pleasure to have you both with us, we learn from you as well as from the different protocols in each  of our countries. We welcome your wisdom as well as your whining. I just caught up with all of you and it looks as though we are having a healthy pity party. I, too, have had major meltdowns as well as minor ones. I am 47 and was not at all even pre-menopausal bc (before cancer). I have not had a period since the first day of chemo when I got my period JUST AS I STARTED A/C -- but my guess is that my period will come back as I've had no hot flashes or other related menopausal se except for the serious moodiness. The moodiness, though, is also chemo/cancer/lifechange related. Hard to really sort them I think. 

From what my cancer bully friends (I call them cancer bullies because I have a blog and all of my non-cancer pals kept telling me to listen to the cancer bullies for they have been through this and know what they are talking about) say that it does get worse the deeper in we go. I think many of us feel like once we are half way, we are at the top of the mountain and now it's smooth saling and downhill, but the truth is we start at the bottom and have to keep climbing all the way to the top of a very steep mountain. Sometimes we fall a ways and have to grab on to a shrub to keep from falling all the way down. Sometimes we have to deal with blisters or shoes that are falling apart. Sometimes we have to rest under what little shade there is, but we can't really give up and go back down as it is too steep and we could fall to our deaths. So, we have no choice (we made the choice to have chemo already) but to keep climbing all the way to the top. For some of us, it is 8 rounds of chemo but then it changes -- for others more or less. Once we arrive at the top, those of us who are her2positive have to hang out there on top for another year or so. But...once we get to the top, we can stay there for a long while. The other side is not nearly as steep as the side we are climbing. The other side is a much more gradual down and, if we want, we can stay at the top for as long as we wish. We can just be once we are there. I, too, want to remove my right breast (which had a mammogram yesterday...I kept saying, "this is my port side," and "do I get half off since I have only one breast?") and my ovaries as well as I, too, am estrogen pos and all that, but these are decisions each of us will make later. They are personal and individual and we will discuss them together (at least those of us who keep checking in). I have a friend who has been cancer free for more than a year since her last chemo and she and a core of women on the thread do check in. For some of us, we'll stop because this will be too painful a time to remember, but for others, we'll check in because of the bonds we are making. But, the point is that we will get through and make decisions about ovaries and breasts and whatever else we do (I'd like to have all the fat on my thighs removed please) after we survive this as this is enough right now. The lesson we must learn (although I am having a very, very difficult time with it as I know many of you are as well) is to be present for what we are dealing with right now. I, too, can't wait for chemo to be over and to regain taste buds, my brain, etc., but we must concentrate on swish our salt water (Sable, I do that every few days just to avoid mouth sores) and that  has worked well...think I've only had one or two little ones. We must concentrate on just gettng better  with or without or moms' there for us. As a parent, I can't begin to imagine how I would feel as an older person if I knew my child had cancer. Some of them simply do NOT have the capacity to deal (my father is one of those people). What I wish is that each of us could have a mom who would support us by nurturing and holding and wiping away tears, but it is up to each of us to try to find a friend/spouse/partner/ who can server that role from time to time. Women, we are going to get through these times as it is a very short time in our LONG lives. We are going to survive and we are going to have a hell of a lot of wisdom when we get through. None of us asked for this but we are here. So, we are going to cry a lot. We are going to yell (I go in my car to do that anger work ...but not while I am driving). We are going to hurt and leave sandwiches on kitchen tables that no longer exist. We are going to dread going to the bathroom and be glad we are in the bathroom as the other option is not for us at this time. We are going to enjoy the breeze and the beauty of nature. Some of us are going to find relationships changing and it will sharpen our focus on the people we decide to share our time with and some of us are going to have dramatic change in our relationships with our selves. I am rambling again. How do you put up with this? If you read this far, I love you. If you didn't, I love you anyway. Have a good Saturday. My dh asked for a pound of organic almond butter. I got him two. I am so cool.