Starting Chemo May 2008

Noelle, Dundas may be a teeny tiny town, but I've been there! I have a friend who lives out in the woods around there and works in Hamilton, so my d and I went through last summer on a pre-college tour. She was interesting in Waterloo at the time, but decided that dealing with the distance (we're in Calif) and a different country would be too much. If I'd know we were going to be having bc together I would have stopped at your store!  Oh, and all my girls have long curly hair and after seeing your pic they told me to stop moaning about my hair -- you lost a lot more than I did!

Otter--great pictures!! I am taking them with me tomorrow for my next-to-last.  And yes, you can come--and bring the Coors light (bottles, please).  Noelle, congrats on reaching camp recovery...

I have a guess-what-I-can't-believe-it-either LUMP in my remaining breast! It is tiny, and I admit I am hypervigliant, but it is there.  I just found it today, and I see my onc tomorrow, so I guess that is good at least. I KNOW they have an ultrasound machine downstairs in the BS office, so I intend to be especially pushy about it.  Prayers, or good thoughts, or whatever your choice, please, but send me some!!

Cris, I will miss you.  Talk to you this weekend.  I'll be laid-ass-out from chemo, but I can still read and post!

Love you all,

Sue 

Rock -My town is about 20,000 peeps. One short main street, with a University nearby and lots of small industry in the next city. It is an odd mix of blue collar and intellectual. 

I stay with a friend on the UW Side every Feb while at a trade show. My BFF lives in the village near Houston and 1st. I am a New Yorker in my blood, one day I will live there. 

Sue, listen to Rock, get a sharpie out and circle that sucker!

Damn! My prayers are all yours.

 Rev, going to school out of the country is not that hard. I went to college in VT.

why the hell am I still awake!?  

Sue - That sucks! Prayers comin' from me, too.  Let us know ASAP!

Sharon

You gals lost weight....I've gained! The onc keeps reminding me to eat small meals. I've been so hungry, for sweets no less.

Sharon, I'm shaving this weekend, really short (peach fuzz I guess since I still have two inch long straggles. My oldest daughters friend walked in last night and caught me with the wig off. Should've seen her face. Priceless! Poor thing, I shocked the you know what out of her. I look like Igor from Young Frankenstein.

Yeah Kristy on your Muga!

Otter, love the pictures!

Good luck all in Montana. Happy Trails!!!!

 Roxi 

Oh no sue that sux! Hopefully its a nothing!! Onc found a "odd" spot on my scar line last week and sent me to the surgeon to check it out. He said it was most likely nothing but come back in a month and see if it changes or possibly an ultrasound. It's very easy to panic after going thru what we all have been thru.

OHHHHHHH salsa! I didn't make any myself last year but the year before I made 2 batches that my husband promptly went thru quickly. He informed me that I am making more this year. The house smells so good when I make it too... yum!

Otter, you sure don't need the onus of guilt that your mom seems to be trying to lay on you.  I have no advice.  My own relationship with my mom is troubled and since she is 85 with problems that keep her stuck in the house I try to ignore a lot but looking back, I think that we really never had a very strong relationship and I don't have the emotional strength to deal with it.  Nor does she have the mentality to change.  It's too bad that your trip to your mom and the trip to your MIL couldn't have been reversed.  Perhaps you need to plan something really nice to look forward to after you travel to your mom's.  The MOJO issues are such an ordeal.  I hope you can find some advice that will really help. 

Sue, I don't have words to express the SUCKINESS of your news.  Trust me, I'm sending all kinds of good thoughts your way.  But you know what?  When it turns out to be totally benign, it'll STILL suck that you had to go through this worry.

I like the way Roxi summed up the dynamic of so many of our relationships with our mothers (and others).  It's hard for them - it really is.  And not all of them react well to the hard stuff.  (Unlike all of us, who are, of course, always paragons of grace, no matter what we're confronting . . . and no, I'm not being facetious.  This group really is pretty amazing.)  Another thing that's at work, I think - and this is a little hard to express - is that we've all changed in hundreds of ways since we got our diagnoses.  There's before, and there's now, and we're not the same.  But for most other people - even some who truly do love us - there's not that same bright dividing line.  They ARE the same.  The situation is different, but they're the same.  So parents who were tongue-tied by their emotions before (and I'd include mine in that category) aren't going to be any more forthcoming now. 

 Linda

P.S. Waking up this morning, I thought of another charm for Rock's bracelet: how about a little garbage can, for that yucky mouth SE? 

Ohhhhh, moms and other family members. 

Typically, we only have one mom. It is hard to swallow when they don't exactly meet our hopes. And I gotta say, Otter, you are such a generous, caring, un-self-centered human being (either that or you are putting on, as Ed Sullivan would say, a "really good shooe" for us!).  I wish your Mom (and your relatives and friends) would respond in kind and I am very sorry they are not. (Same for you, Noelle and everyone.) It's not right.  Nor is you being in pain, right. (And doesn't pain have a way of highlighting the other, emotionally sore spots?)  And then throw in the ol' sex thing and . . . .   Your mom sounds like a piece of work.

Sometimes I have found it best to just try to be a mom to myself. Sometimes I have found it comforting to wrap myself in a blanket and have a good cry, patting my head and everything.  And if I have planned it right, sometimes there is a piece of carrot cake afterward.

I think we should plan a rendezvous on someone's front porch this fall.

Speaking of porches, I've been thinking about Sue and her lump all day today.  And Eddie and her shingles. And Cris because she is Cris. And Kristy -- our new poet laureate! I do enjoy the silliness of our poems. Especially because there is something just very warm and girly about all of it.

*********

 Tomorrow I see one of my very best girlfriends who has a 'funny' mamm result. I am trying to be a reassuring presence, but the fact is that me and the reality of my cancer makes this all the harder for her. 

Otter - great pics!!  Would love to be there now...So sorry for the crap.  I'm with you on #2 - our most recent excursion to the MOJO world was more painful than I remember.  Rats.  I will have to check out Noelle's advice.  We have said this before but, do we have the same mother?  Because that could easily have come out of her mouth.  However, I think she know I might hit her with a shovel, so she has been keeping those to herself.  But I have heard them with other issues.  For me, at least it helps to have a sister who understands and that's generally what I do - unload on her.  So I hope in our sisterly way, we have helped you unload it.  {{{{Hugs}}}} to you. 

Sue - SUCKS!  I really hope to hear that it's nothing, my friend.  Sending benign thoughts your way...and I hope your chemo went o.k., too.  Please let us know.

Obviously, we go our computer back early and boy is it fast now, woo hoo!  My trip was a little bumpy today - the first stick blew my vein and so we had to do it again.  After that, it was mostly uneventful, although I had some breakthrough nausea (usually don't get that until tonight) and some burning/pain issues during the infusion.  That has happened before and we usually just put on a hot pack and it helps.  But not so much today.  Oh well, it's done and I lived - actually, I rememberd that tx# 3 seemed to be hard on y'all, so that kinda helped, too. 

Katie (older dd) came for the first hour to watch and they thought she was 1) very cute and 2) amazingly NOT squeamish.  She was fascinated at the whole process and almost didn't want to leave to go swimming!  I'm making a few friends there, or at least seeing people I recognize.  It's sad and comforting at the same time.  Now I'm off to Walgreens (across the street) to pick up some meds and other stuff with Kelly (little dd) before the Zofran kicks in and makes me a zombie. 

And Kristy - can you FedEx salsa?!  That is my craving (with extra salty chips) after chemo!

Go back to work and you lose sight of your carcinopals. Sue, no way is that lump anything as you are being BLASTED with cancer poison right now. Glad you are checking and, obviously, we are all sending warm thoughts your way.

I sailed into my onc's office today convinced he would clear me for chemo one day late on my original schedule and he very kindly laughed me right out of his office. Plus, he gave me perspective. He said, "Let's see. You have a light case of shingles. Your body is healing and you are doing really well and you want me to blast you with steroids so you can do taxol/herceptin tomorrow when you're not ready?" He said I could go as early as Monday but that throws off the work schedule so bottom line? One week delay. Deal with it, girl. It just means I get to step up to the bar with other friends. Although I really, really love Montana. Have I told you all how fun it is to NOT have to tear my eyes open at night just to pee? My eye gunk is disappearing rapidly. Life is good. I may as well take a week of and admit that just a few of those shingles are itchy/burning so this will give them a few extra days. Your posts are wonderful. Otter, here is the deal...my dad keeps asking me why I am putting myself through all this. "I thought the cancer was gone. Why do you have to do this to yourself? And why can't we all just go to Yellowstone this year?" He will often call and say, "Do you feel better yet?" He is 87 and I love him, but it gets slightly annoying. I am glad to have him in my life....but it can be a bit of a downer having the parents ask you why you are going through chemo. Listen women....we are alive and hurting and laughing and loving (or trying to) and we are cranky and strong and vulnerable and itchy (just me) and bitchy (just me again). Your bald avatars thrill me. I wish we could photoshop a bunch of us together. I laugh so hard about charm bracelets and dinners with Lulu and our food conversations. My dh is turning 58 tomorrow (I am 47 so I love these six months when he seems 11 years older than I). He is currently NOT eating refined sugar. I am going to try to track down a yummy dessert with no refined sugar in it for his "cake" Meanwhile, I sit here at 6:31 eating a banana and really good dark chocolate. Yum. The dryer is calling, but you are way more fun. Hope the chemo treatments went well for those who went today. Talk to you soon. 

*reaches thru the computer and gives otter a BIG OLE HUG*

Sweet dreams chickies!

Jean, you can talk me through next week as I'll still be a taxol virgin. Hope you feel well tomorrow. Otter, if we were all men, we would lead simpler lives. Women are multi-layered complex individuals. Moms are .... well, they are moms and I think mother/daughter relationships are extremely complex. I send you hugs too and please know if you ever whine about whining we will all start whining about you. Noelle, I'll get to do herceptin for 40 weeks after taxol (will get h included in with taxol to make it a whole year). I say "get to" as I know as long as I am doing something, it'll feel like I am fighting cancer....at least that's how I am trying to frame it. Sleep well, dear ladies.

PS.  just lost the eyebrows and lashes and thought I'd put my most recent photo up to celebrate!!

Lisa, Maybe it's just me, but I always kind of feel honored when someone joins our May group. (I like the new pic-- do you have piercing blue eyes?) Feel free to fill me in on what weekly Taxol has been like for you and what I should look outu for.  I do hope they'll let me go back to every 2 weeks; I wanna be done.  Then again, I also wanna be able to walk. 

Roxi -- Shaving this weekend? We're there if you need us.  Oddly, I had to give my  head a trim yesterday. I had shaved back in May.  But I still have a head that is about 20-30% covered in stubble, some of which has been growing and was about 3/4" long. So I gave it a trim so I didn't look quite so goofy. 

Here's a question for you guys:  Is anyone noticing their emotions getting thrown around by chemopause?  I tell you, I try to be a pretty upbeat person but last night...boy. I'm struggling to sort out how much of my mood was natural/normal and how much was due to hormone changes.

And can someone give me an idea of what to expect re: menopause? (my ovaries are coming out)

a) overall energy;b) weight and weight distribution;c) skin 

Wonderin' about Sue.  I don't want her or any of us to feel like we must post; I think it is healthy to peel myself off them from time to time (tricky, though, since the indexing has me glued to the computer these days). But I'm thinking about her, y'know?