MOJO Without Matrimony!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Oh Jule, thanks for your good wishes! I am pretty pleased with how things are going these days and find myself able to embrace life more & more each day! I'm not so sure that it's just P., but having him in my life right now certainly keeps my creative (and other Kiss) juices flowing! I'm so glad that you're having a similar experience with David! 

    Yay for us!!!!

    ~Marin

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Hi All-I've been a "lurker" here for awhile, living vicariously through all of you!!! I'm so jealous that you all seem to be so in tune with your own sexuality. I, unfortunately, am very uptight, although I am really trying. After the whole cancer thing, I want to really LIVE. But I really do love hearing all of your stories!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Welcome Victoria & Irish!!!!!!

     Victoria-you have 1/2 the battle won already by seeking out this site!!!! I did the online thing for a bit...thats actually how I met David 2 most or so ago and now we are planning things together....

    I use to be kind of reserved when it came to sex and what I wanted but with David Im not, so I think you have to find that someone that makes you click.....or someone that you can be yourself with...I found that since we met and talked online for awhile before the meeting that it was easier to be me since he had no preconcieved ideas of what I might or might not be...it allowed me to be completely open and feel comfortable with it...he also doesnt live in the area ( I live in podunk nowhere, so everyone knows everyone) and that has helped alot....

    Irish-the things that I was just telling Victoria go for you too!!!!!!! go online, find someone who attracts you and just be yourself.....play online for a bit and I think you will find that you can do this with a little more comfort than in the past.

    Hugs to you all

    Jule

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Thanks Jule,

    I guess I just have to get the nerve to go on a site and actually trust my judgement. I was in a very abusive marriage, so I'm concerned about 1. Ending up in the same situation, and 2. Taking out issues with my ex on some poor guy who doesn't deserve it!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Irish

    Im sorry about the abusive relationship but you can get over it....we all can/do......we will be here to help anyway we can....

    There is a website that is free called Plentyoffish.com that you might try, that way you can talk with men and when you feel comfortable you could move forward with any of them if you'd like.

    Its really tough to get back out there once you've been hurt, but believe me, if I can do it, so can you if its what you want.

    I had decided to stay single and had only just begun dating a couple of months ago, then I met David via one of those sites and WOW has he changed my thinking about a relationship, so see, it can happen.

    One day you will meet a guy that will treat you like his queen and you will know its right.

    But like I said, we are here to help if we can.

    Hugs

    Jule

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Thanks Jule!

    I'll work on getting up the courage to try the online dating thing-It's probably better than trying to meet someone in a bar!!! Tongue out

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Where are you located Irish????

    Sure would be nice if it were in my corner of the world so we could meet up and get you going on a game plan :)

    But yes, I think the online thing is much better than meeting in a bar....

    Keep me posted on how its going.....

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Jule, you are so sweet! I'm in Maine, where are you? I'm going to go on plentyoffish.com when I get home, as I'm at work right now. Thank you so much for your help-what can you do to change my old-fashioned morals and ways of thinking?????? I SO want to be more like you guys!!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Irish

    We are about as FAR apart as we can get!!!! I live in Washington state.

    As far as the old-fashioned morals and way of thinking??? When you figure out how to change that, PLEASE let me know??? Im pretty old fashioned and morality seems to slap me in the face when I tried to be something Im not so........for me, its a way of life and if someone cant accept my morals and values then they arent the person for me...

    As I said, I met David online and we went out for awhile before I could do much more than kiss him but it seemed to attract him like a moth to the flame is how he describes it....we've talked pretty intently about this exact subject and he said that if I had slept with him right off the bat (SOOOO NOTTTTT ME!!!! and I didnt/couldnt do that) then we probably wouldnt have seen each other again....he is also a very moral person......we had only been dating a couple of weeks when the words "monogamous" &  "committed" came up in conversation.....neither of us want to be sleeping around....heck, before David I had only been with one person in over 3 yrs and that was a one time thing (hmmmmmm, guess that explains alot about how I know I have such morals!!!! I felt awful and would NEVER try something like that again!!!)

    But I have also learned since meeting David, that I can express my wants and needs and he will not judge me...we are very compatible in many ways and even though I didnt think this is what I would want, we have talked about things moving to a more permanent situation in the future. But we also are both realist and know that time will be the telling factor.

    So I will have to bow out to others here on changing the old fashioned/moral girl that you are!!!!! but I say: DONT CHANGE A THING....find someone who loves and wants you exactly for who you are.....if you have to change for them then there is  problem right off the get go and in my opinion the relationship is doomed....

    Im at work too and have probably played enough on the net for now....

    Will catch up with you in awhile....

    Jule

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    You're probably right Jule! I've only been with 2 guys in my life, my ex-husband and the guy I lost my virginity to at 33! I think you have to have a lot of faith and trust in a guy before you can be truly intimate with him, and dealing with the whole Breast cancer thing as single women just makes it that much harder in one way. In another, it certainly should weed out the shallow ones, shouldn't it? You're very lucky to have found david, he sounds like a great guy. Does he have a twin you could send to Maine????

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    I went through my bc journey on my own, but I think Im stornger for it...thats kind of the strange thing about David...he would have been there in every way...Ive talked with him about it a little but not much...his take on it is that is gone now so we should enjoy our lives and if it comes back then WE will deal with it then....

    Sorry girlfriend.....I wish David did have a tribe of brothers like him...I would send one to each of you girls!!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Hello ladies,

    Sorry I've been so busy. Just got diagnosed with Secondary Lymphedema and spend all last week getting some medical test done.

    Jules, my friend, sounds like David and you are doing a great Mojo-ing on all levels and I'm so happy for you. There is certainly more to physical mojo and you got it babe.

    Marin, ditto for you as well - thanks for the support last week - means the world to me - you are the best!

    Irish welcome to our little world of mojo-ing. I agree with Jules, just be yourself. Having old-fashion morals are something to be PROUD of and respected. Dating is always a little scary in the beginning but stick to what feels comfortable to you.

    I have never dated on line but as a cop here are some basic rules:

    1. Never give them your home address or phone number.

    2. Always choose a public place to meet at.

    3. Create an another email address just for on-line dating so that they don't have your regular email address used.

    4. Converse with them for several weeks even a month before you choose to meet them.

    Be careful out there ladies - okay I'll turn the cop mode off now. Glad to see we have new women joining us on our quest for better mojo-ing.

    Remembe the motto: BE BAD, BE VERY BAD!

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  • victorious
    victorious Member Posts: 88
    edited July 2008

    Marin,

    Thanks so much for the tips.  Is there a 'preferred' online dating site?  Like Irish, I live in the middle of po-dunk and the pickin's around these parts are pretty slim.  I do knowone really nice man who is abaolutely head over heels for me and has supported me through this whole thing in a way that I would havae ne er ever had from either of my ex's or ex-boyofriends - but guess what - I just don't want to liss him.  Bummer!!  I want to want to kiss him. I keep waiting for myself to want to kiss him - and it just does not happen.  I hae known him for awhile now so I don't think that the chemistry is going to change. 

    So - OK - someone has told me about a ":sex toy store" close to here.  I cannot imagine in a million years going into that store and making a purchase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  But I am an adventurer - so with a little help from my friends I'll do it. 

    Now a very personal question for you gals .....anyone without breasts willing to talk.  Or anyone with implants willing to talk?  I am going to schedule surgery for November (I think) but in the meantime, without hair and breasts and the dry va-jay-jay - what the hell do I say?  Do I post an old ppicture of myself with hair and boobs?  \

    I did meet oe man who wa prety cute.  A friend had us for a bl;ind-date dinner.  He basically was not willing to take me on.  I understand that.  He has two teenagers and I am not sure I want to take them on! 

    Good Lord!  It was all complicated enough before BC.

    Off I go to Yoga Class!

    Victoria

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Victoria....You're a riot! But I do understand your reticence about breaking into dating. Though it's not at all scary once you get into it (in fact, it's great fun!), it can seem confusing and intimidating on the outside looking in. So you want to start out slowly and with some confidence. To that end, I'd encourage you to write an interesting, honest profile (I'd be happy to critique it or help you if you want to PM me with your ideas), get a few nice pics of yourself that look as much like how you look now as possible, and join a free site like POF (http://www.plentyoffish.com/). For the pics, you might want to wear a wig that looks like your real hair and spend some time on your makeup. You can even try going for some fairly natural Glamour Shots. Maybe you'd feel better if you told yourself that you only want to write back & forth with a few guys and not worry about meeting them. In fact, maybe you should correspond mainly with guys who live farther away (you can always type in a "phony" zip code for yourself and change it later if you decide to start doing actual dating). Just take it very slowly, Victoria, and be determined to enjoy the process and try to appreciate the different men that you meet. I found that my breakthrough came about once I decided not to have any expectations of the guy other than that he would be respectful and honest. Beyond that, he can be a freak and I'll try to appreciate him.

    Now about your "lady parts," you really don't need to go to the sex toy store (though I promise you lots of fun if you do!) but can, instead, can order some goodies online (http://www.adameve.com/, http://www.mypleasure.com/, or www.babeland.com)  . You'll need a basic vibrator and I'd recommend a dildo or dildo attachment as well for getting the area more pliable and "accomodating (highly recommended is the Hitachi Magic Wand, aka "Mr Big": http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-electric/hitachi-magic-wand-g-whiz-combo ." Then, a good lube should be used, one that is toy-friendly as well as gentle on the delicate internal tissues. You can buy K-Y liquid (I love the spray...no mess and very spontaneous), Astroglide, ID or Wet. They're all good and the last two come in various flavors (for future adventures Wink). And to really get the juices flowing (and I mean literally!), you may want to buy a mild porn video or some erotica. These can be found online too and there are also free porn websites like YouPorn and XTube.

    So dip a little toe in, Victoria, and maybe you'll like how it feels! Wink

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    OK, so here's the position we've determined to be most pleasureable to date (well, one of them anyway Tongue out). It works well with the well-endowed man and allows for plenty of oral activity as well. We've named it "Hot Tub" because our positions are sorta like being in hot tub seats. It is very similar to this animated demo (warning: graphic): http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_fusion.shtml 

    So, my girls, if you're looking for something new and very hot, I can recommend this little variation on WOT/cowgirl. ENJOY!!!

    ~Marin

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Pepper

    Thanks for the tips. I never would have thought of creating a seperate email account for online dating, but it does make perfect sense! I'd thought of the rest of the tips, though! In fact, my 2 best friends insist that if any one of us does the online dating thing, when we do go to meet someone, the other 2 girls will be going to the same place! LOL, I remember my mom always saying never go out with anyone unless you have enough money for a cab, but things sure are different now!!!

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited July 2008

    This isn't about Mojo -- not yet, anyway.

    I need to mention something good that happened yesterday.

    DBF's cat had pancreatitis and was very sick, and DBF was very, very upset over the cat and thought she was going to die (in spite of the vet's optimism). He spent the weekend and the first couple of days this week crying over his cat.

    Naturally, my thoughts turned to, "I wonder if he ever cried over me like that?" but I didn't say anything. We've been talking to each other like strangers, in a way, so I kept it to myself. But it was on my mind.

    On Tuesday, the cat was better, and by yesterday she was up and around and playing like nothing had happened.

    He said "I didn't want to bury Boog [his cat] this soon."

    Then he really surprised me and said, "We don't have to bury you, either, so it's all good."

    Smile

    Those few little words told me a lot about what he's been thinking all this time. I know he doesn't know how to express his feelings. Based on his admission, I suspect this incident with the cat was a way for him to safely vent the feelings he's been having since my diagnosis.

    I feel like I need to sit down with him and have a face-to-face before I commit this relationship to the dust bin.

    Not that it won't end up there, but I feel like I need to know more about what's been going on with him before that can justifiably happen. 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Rose

    I understand what you are saying here....Im just VERY apprehensive about the BF, he seems to swing from one extreme to the other and for me that is concerning.

    I do believe you need a face to face with him to be able to resolve things in your own heart once and for all......

    Just be careful sister....I dont want to see you stick with him to have something happen like in the past when he has been drinking and self centered.....

    He has hurt you alot and Im not happy about it but this is your decision to make....We each live with different comfort levels concerning what we will and wont tolerate out of our partners so I REALLY do understand how you feeling....

    Hugs

    Jule

    PS-my next post will also give you a better idea of how and why I understand what your feeling Rose.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    ok ladies-as with Rose this doesnt really have anything to do with mojo, but I need some advice, Im in a really tough spot right now.

    You all obviously know about David and how well things have been progressing between the two of us....

    The deal now is: b-4 my bc dx I was seeing a man that I cared VERY much for.....I got breast cancer, he moved to Montana.......I survived bc (partly because of my anger towards him) and just earlier this year forgave him for walking when I needed him the most.....mind you I havent talked to this man since Dec. 06, I was dx'd the beginning of Nov. 06.

    Fast forward to last week-David and I are making plans for a future together, we both feel we are falling in love and that its a love to last the rest of our lives...

    Faster Forward to last Sunday-I hadnt checked my email over the weekend....I decided to check here and email after David left to go back to his place......to my "SHOCK" there is an email from this man!!!!! All the email said was: Hi, forgive me????

    I cant even begin to explain how I feel about this because I just dont know....I DO know that I need closure and that I feel my future is with David, but how the hell am I suppose to deal with this?? "B" actually called me last night and is asking that I just "think" about what we had and to think about putting it back together with him.

    This jerks my heart strings like they have never been jerked before....Im not asking you ladies to help make my decision, I have already made it and I think you ladies know my decision.

    Im just asking for guidance on how to deal with this I guess.

    JuleYell

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  • Yogi70
    Yogi70 Member Posts: 654
    edited July 2008

    Jule,

    I'm getting the sense that the closure you need is to tell this man how deeply he hurt, disappointed and angered you when he left.  Although you have basically moved on and found a lasting relationship you may still need to let it out.  It couldn't hurt. 

    Best of Wishes to you and David.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Yes Yogi....Im thinking your right.....Im just not sure I trust my instincts here so wanted the help of you ladies to make sure Im reading myself and my feelings correctly before I Lambaste "B" with my feelings. After talking to him last night I feel I need to do this soon for his sake....even though he hurt me so badly I find I cant and dont want to do lead him on or hurt him.....and he really believes that we could make it work.....he needs the opportunity to move on and be happy with his life.

    Thank you for the support for David and I....we really are happy and like I said, I KNOW David is my future.

    Jule

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Jule, I think Yogi is right, this man left you during a very traumatic time. You have every right to voice your dissapointment in his behavior. You can also forgive him without having to be with him, if you choose to do that. Does David know this man has contacted you?

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Irish

    No David doesnt know yet....but I will be talking with him about it....I as soon as we are face to face again, which might be later tonight and if not Saturday at the latest.

    This just isnt phone convesation material in my book. I want to be face to face with David when I talk about this because I want him to see and feel that Im not going anywhere....

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited July 2008

    Jule,

    I think among the things you can say to ex is that there is no longer a window of opportunity for him.  You had to survive, you had to keep moving, and you have a life that he no longer can fit into. 

    He hurt you by leaving, and now you can't let him hurt you again by "returning."

    JMHO

    Easier said than done, I know...

    (If it were me, I might just ignore or stonewall -- I'm not advising it, I'm just saying that's my own modus operandi...)

    Blowing up might get the message (that he needs to move on) across better than trying to convey it gently!  Sometimes all people feel is the gentleness, or the hardness -- the emotional tone, rather than the words.  Your ex might be a person who lets himself be "led on" if he's not "hurt"...  (So it may not be possible to avoid both leading him on and hurting him!)

    Whatever you decide about how to deal with Mr. Past, I wish you the best of luck with Mr. Future!

    Ann

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Thank you Ann....

    You are so very right!!!! Its really hard to know how to deal with this....his tone and attitude when he first called were of a beaten man, but as the conversation lengthened he started talking about the things there that he cant wait to show me or take me to do.....when I told him that I have a man that Im falling very much in love with, he asked me to step back and take a look at things to remember what it use to be between us.....my answer to that??? I told him that of all people he should know my thoughts on "going back in time".....my belief has always been "why go back??? I already know whats behind me".....he just calmly asked me to take sometime and think about things.

    Can I just go bury my head/heart for awhile?????

    Im joking, as much as I would like to run from this, I cant.....I NEED to deal with it now that its come up again.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Jule...I actually have had this happen to me...TWICE. What the hell is it with men and their boomerang quality? They decide the grass is greener elsewhere and make a usually messy, hurtful exit. Then, when the new grass turns brown, they start sniffing around again thinking it wasn't so bad before after all. Geez. Anyway, I'd say that as tempted as you may be (and I do hear some shakiness here on your part), don't give the guy a second chance. He has proved what he's made of and, imo, it's not strong stuff. I'm pretty sure that you're looking for what I look for in a man....strong moral character, trustworthiness and respect...and nothing in the way 'B' behaved indicates that he possesses any modicum of these traits. I say kick him to curb. If you need to do it with angry words in order to vent, go ahead. Alternatively, you can calmly state that you have found someone who is kind and good and who has respect for you and that you realize now that that's what you needed all along. That should do it.

    Good luck, hon. These things are so hard but it will be oddly comforting to you after you've ditched the coward to know that you have honored yourself.

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Jules,

    You need to be straight up with Mr. Past and tell him that you have moved on. Closure is very important and especially when he left you at a time in your life when your were uncertain about living and dying with bc. How do you know that next time a crisis comes up - he won't split again. The odds tell me that he can't handle that kind of situation in the past and I'm not sure that he would be supportive of a new situation.

    You have become this strong, independant and wonderful woman, who now knows what she wants in a relationship and it comes with all the wonderful unconditional support and love with David. I say don't look back, unless you still have unresolved love for Mr. Past but it doesn't sound like you do, keeping march forward with your life and feel what you know is deep in your heart.

    giant hugs to you babe

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Marin-the shakiness you hear in my words is because yes, at times Im shaky...this is a man that I loved deeply at one point in my life...he will always hold a special spot in my heart, but a spot in my day to day life........no. He has more than proven that by leaving the first time....I cant/wont live with a fear like that in a relationship. To your statement about it being comforting??? yes, it is very much so....the first day or two thinking about things were the hardest but once my decision was made I feel very at peace with it. Now that I have actually spoken with him I plan to wait until he calls or emails again from his end, then I will tell him, but I will not contact him in anyway one way or the other.

    Pepper-Im certain in my mind where he would be if a crisis should arise....Ive lived through it once and have no intention of doing it again.....I wont do that to myself, nor will I do something like this to David.

    Thank you all for such amazing support in this...I knew I could come here to kick things around with y'all....

    Jule

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited July 2008

    Marin, I swear, I wish you lived in my neck of the woods-I bet I'd learn SO much from you!!!! Jule, good luck telling David-I'm sure he'll know how you feel when you're talking to him-it certainly is obvious to me, even here. When someone isn't there for you in the most difficult times of your life, I find it very hard to believe they can change that much-maybe I'm cynical, but I feel that if you're that shallow once, you will be so again, and you deserve someone who'll be with you in the long haul. There are so many of us who envy what you have with David-Be strong!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Irish-thank you for your words and support of David and I......I dont have to be strong with David...he melts my knees!!!!!!

    So my new motto????

    BE BAD-BE BAD-ONWARD & FORWARD

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