MOJO Without Matrimony!

Lauren, I can speak to how you're feeling.  First, I didn't want to look at these horrible scars, etc; let alone have someone else look them.  As a matter of fact, I'm still not used to the way I look.  My PS did the WORST job ever with a horrizontal scar on one and a vertical scar on the other.

Nevertheless, my boyfriend (who is older than me) has been very, very patient with me.  We never stopped being intimate (and freaky).  I just wear a bra, or tee shirt, or one of those stretchy tops.  He continues to encourage me to take off that hot shirt or whatever I have on top.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.  I don't allow him to touch my chest (no feeling there anyways).  But, I figure the chest ain't the end all!  There's always other spots to touch, lick, and suck.  We do all that stuff that Marin talks about, but I'd never tell. 

So.... believe me, you can have fireworks without EVER showing your boobs! 

PS.  Mom/family/friends, please don't read this note!!!

Ugh, I mentioned to him today that I want to stop in Kansas City on my trip to my new home, to get some good pulled-pork bbq for my birthday. He went off on how people who expect "big things" on their birthday are egotistical attention seekers, and blah blah. I told him I had no expectations from him, as usual, and that I wasn't even going to be in Ohio on my birthday. He said "and you're sleeping on the couch when you get here." I told him I didn't need to visit him at all, and he said, "that's right, so get over it." OK, I'm over it. Not going to Ohio. I'm going straight to the new city from here. 

Lauren, you're right. I deserve much better than this. I didn't survive cancer to be abused verbally by a guy who's got more issues than The New Yorker.

WR, he sounds like he could use a visit from the shovel brigade from the "road to hell" thread!  What a jerk. 

EVERYONE deserves a bit of attention on their birthday - and a homemade cake if possible.  I hope your birthday will be the start of a wonderful new year for YOU in a new place, new job, end of tx and lots of fast hair growth.  HUGS to you!

Lauren

Thanks for the support Marin, Lauren, Ann and everyone. I promised myself I'd only give him one last chance and that was it. He's outta here.

I do deserve better. And even a house full of cats is better than a guy like this! 

Now I need to focus on the move and getting my act together. I get my port taken out this afternoon so that is yet another milestone!  

Julia, glad to hear the relationship is still going strong.

WR, I hope the port removal was uneventful.  When exactly is your bday, anyway?

I am feeling kind of blue today.  Yesterday I got some good news -- the path report on the reduction side came back, and everything was fine -- "normal breast tissue" is what my surgeon said.  That was a big relief; I feel like I made the right decision re: keeping that breast.  So I called my dbf with the news and asked if he wanted to have a glass of wine with me to celebrate.  He didn't want anything to drink but said he'd come by for a hug.  It was sooo hot last night so I put on a lightweight,silky nightgown that he used to like on me (way back when) and tied a silly, fringed scarf on my head for fun.  Well, he stayed for about a minute and a half, wouldn't even sit down and have a glass of water.  I felt embarrassed and rejected.  I understand now that it's really too soon for him to deal with my "new" body -- but it hurts me that he can't talk about it with me.  I don't need him to tell me that I'm beautiful; I just need him to look at me and let me know that he still sees ME.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "who is this lopsided, bald woman and what has she done with Lauren?"  Is it too much to ask for a man who can acknowldge how scary this is,and use some WORDS to express himself, instead of just going home to bed so that HE can have a good night's sleep to better deal with HIS stress at work? 

In contrast, I've been spending a fair amount of time hanging out with my ex, who continues to be a good friend.  I know that I don't want to be married to him anymore but I feel like I can talk to him about anything, and get some sort of response -- whereas the guy I've been dating for over a year just doesn't say anything a lot of the time (he listens but doesn't know what to say).  It doesn't help that my exH lives with his gf and has a cute new baby, while I have been shoved into an early infertility by bc.  It just sucks. 

Sorry, this is the wrong place for all of this venting, I should go over to the "bitch and moan" thread instead.  But I thought you single ladies might understand some of where I am coming from.  Thanks for "listening."

Lauren

Lauren - great news on the pathology report! But sorry about the dbf. I know that feeling of rejection...even if it wasn't rejection, reactions like that do feel like it. 

*sigh* 

Oh, and my bd is 7/22

Looks like I'll still be here on that date. I just put a deposit on an apartment - I feel good about it, and the woman I spoke with on the phone was sincerely sweet and friendly - but it's not available until 8/8, so I have to hang out here for a while. I'll probably leave here the weekend of 8/1 or early that week. That's two weeks later than I had originally planned, but since I'm not making any side trips... that is such a drag, I could have stayed with him an extra week...but the drag is, he doesn't want me to visit. I'd be a fool to go where I'm not wanted.

Don't give up I had a unilateral mastectomy wear a prosthetic and dated, here I am four years later married and just getting ready for recon, I decided I want it because I want to wear the cuter styles that I am so limited from enjoying.  He could care less, consider a great character test.  Don't throw in the towel there's still hope

Huh. I don't 'tell' because unless they see me naked they won't 'know'. I date casually and don't even tell anyone that my daugher is adopted! I figure if I start to date one person exclusively then I'll 'fess up but until then unless they ask I don't tell.

Thanks Marin for your support and words of wisdom! 

I have not been with a man in 18 mos!! I don't even know that I am ready for that.  Sometimes I think I am, but then..no.  I had my reconstruction in Feb...so things are looking good right now. I just had my nipple constructed, so all that is left is the tattoo.  I feel pretty good about my body over all, but it will be very strange to have someone see all of my scars!

Also, with the meds I am on...the sex drive is not the same as it used to be!! What can I do to fix that one??  

Thanks again...and any help from this thread would be greatly appreciated.

Also..did you give your phone # out to men before you met them. I have not...and the ones that ask for it are surprised that I want to meet before giving out my #.  I just figure if they are weird or stalkers..then I don't have to worry about them having my ph # and info about me... What do you think about that??

thanks..Lisa

Update on the dbf: after a week of silence, he decided to talk to me. He said he was disappointed that I wasn't there for him when I was in chemo and he was having good things happening. Yes, it sucks, but how do you explain to someone who has no experience if it, the way that being in DD chemo absorbs your life? How do you explain to someone who hasn't been living with you, that yes, you weren't available, and couldn't provide support? How was I supposed to celebrate with him when I was doped up, in pain, bloated and swollen, nauseious, horribly depressed most of the time, and just trying to make it through?

I still haven't decided if I'm going to spend the week with him, but it looks like I won't be ready to leave here until after next weekend (I have to be ready for the yard sale next Saturday, so I might be ready some time the following week.) It would be helpful to have somewhere to stay since my lease here runs out July 31 but my apartment won't be available until August 8.

I guess we're still hashing it out.

By the way, he had no memory of his rather nasty conversation with me that started all of this. The man really has to cut back on his drinking.

Lisa, with the exception of my current dbf (who lives 1800 miles from me and is not a "stalker" threat) I never gave my phone number to guys before I met them. I know women who do but I've never been comfortable with it. All I have is a cell phone and my carrier doesn't have call blocking.

Not sure what to say about the sex drive thing. I never lost mine -- except when I was depressed.  Don't rush into anything, I always say.

We haven't made a decision yet, but yeah, he's not the best and he's probably not for me. I can probably stay here an extra week without getting in trouble (they have someone who's getting this room but they told me he can stay in the guest room until I go.) I think if I went to stay with dbf, it would only be to see what he's like in person, and to get out of this house (The "Group Home" LOL) for a while. Not very good reasons, I know.

Part of our discussion last night included how he was raised to "buck up and take it" without complaining, but apparently no one in his family has ever had to "suck it in" through breast cancer, mastectomy and four months of chemo. He's totally clueless and rather self-absorbed. So not a prize, I agree.

His cat is sick and it seems to me he's more concerned about that cat than he was about me after my diagnosis. I doubt he ever cried over my bc or mast or chemo.

Thanks for the straight talk, Lori. I have been questioning my own motives for staying with him, and I think you are right. Someone else said (forgive me, I forgot who said it) what I had been thinking:  that I don't feel "beautiful" or "whole" any more and I stay with him because I don't think I'll find anyone else, no other man is going to give a bald, single-breasted woman my age a second look. 

That may or may not be true, but it's not a good reason to stay with someone who behaves the way he does.

We've known each other a year now and he celebrates the moment by telling me he's given up on me (which is odd timing for the fact that my chemo is over and I'll be officially released on Tuesday) because I didn't behave the way he wanted me to (like a sweet little martyr, apparently) and he "misses the old Wild Rose of July 2007."

That Wild Rose is gone, sorry. The new one has been living in the 10th Circle of Hell for six months and I will never be the same after the experience.  

New motto: (and possibly a tattoo!!!)

Don't Settle For Dimestore Crap!

Word to live by, for sure. WR, good luck with your decision/move. Been there, done that. Please value yourself more than this guy does or ever will - you're SO worth it!!!

Hi All,

I'm the gal who posted the topic about 60 and boobless .....and Marin wrote back and invited me to join in elsewhere if I did not get that many replies.  Everyone must be a tad younger??!!  But, no matter, we have the same issues being single - kinda.  Now tell me, where the heck are you guys getting all these dates!!??  ONline??  And if so do you put that you have BC onyour profile - or what??  I'm getting ready to have a rconstruction but in the meantime, am up for learning all I can regarding dating with foobes etc.  Also, I am taking Femara and my poor little vagina is so DRY!!  It hurts sometimes just to walk.  Not hurts - but irritated.  You know.  I amseeing my Dr. this Thursday and going to ask about an Ering (think that is what it is called).  I am using Replens but that just does not do it.  I'm off now for the day and am thinking about beng BAD!  But truly, I am ready for a bit of a steadier life.  I've had a lot of boyfriends and a coule of husbands - but would like to share my life and make a home with someone who I just adore hanging out with and kissiing.  Gotta want to kiss 'em. 

Victoria