Breast Cancer and this Recovering Alcoholic

I've been posting on this board for over a month now, and, like many others, I was a lurker before that.

I've searched on this topic, and didn't find anything - if there are other links, I'd love to see them.

I feel strongly that there is no support for people in recovery on this board, and that it's important for someone to share what breast cancer is like when not using is the most important thing in the world, because if I don't have that, I don't have anything.

Please note that I'm speaking for myself here - my opinions do not reflect those of the community of alcoholics, or of any specific organization.

I've been in recovery for 25 years now, and I have been continuously sober for 24 of them. I come from a family of functional drunks where most people died of cirrhosis, but we were mostly successful, if you look at us from the outside.

Inside it was pretty scary. I was lost and suicidal, and the Twelve Step principles were and are the life raft that enabled me to have a good 20 year marriage, be a successful employee and mother. It has enabled me to successfully manage very serious asthma.

My sobriety is, seriously, the most important thing in my life. Even when I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer, my first prayer on rising is "Please, just keep me sober today," and my last is "Thank you."  It's never about cancer, or about my asthma.

In this cancer world, nobody seems to get this - I told my first oncologist this, and he said that he wasn't worried about my drinking. Well, that made one of us. I have a new oncologist, largely because of that answer. My current oncologist doesn't get it either, but she's more tactful.

These people throw around Atavan like confetti! Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain carefully to someone that avoiding mood-altering drugs is the foundation on which you base your life, have them nod, and then offer drugs when I cry because I'm afraid of some terrifying test the next day?  Over and over again?

I did take painkillers after surgery, for a few days, and after my abscess was opened, for 2 nights. On the second morning I woke up hysterical from a nightmare about drinking.Well, that's enough of that. Motrin is the only painkiller I do for the next six months.

You want to hear what surgery was like? - They put the iv in, and didn't tell me they were giving me pre-op sedation, even though I made an appointment to talk with the anesthesiologist, and explained that I was in recovery, and was going to have a hard time with all this. When the drunk feeling began to wash over me, my entire mind and soul rebelled; I could literally see some kind of guardian angel stand up and fight that horrible feeling. Externally, I was sobbing uncontrollably, my blood pressure and heart rate shot through the roof, and when the doctor asked what was wrong, and I managed to explain, she knocked me out. I'm really grateful that I only had one surgery, although I'm going to paint DO NOT GIVE PRE-OP SEDATION TO THIS PATIENT, along with the sign about lymphadema if I ever have to do this again.

I have not taken anti-depressants, or mood elevators, or tranquillizers. This disease can be fought, soberly.

I have leaned on my sisters at my regular women's group, and phone people to talk to them about what is going on, which I hadn't done for a long time.

If any of you is confronting the same problems, i'd love to talk with you.

Sue 

Heidi - what you said is the reason I posted. Antidepressants can do wonderful things for many people, and I wouldn't criticize anyone who needs them.

However, a history of addiction means that I am susceptible to serious emotional side effects, way beyond what you experience. It's physiological - the using changes the nature of the receptors in alcoholic's brains. As a result, I, and many other recovering alcoholics, use painkillers only when really needed, and other psychopharmacological agents not at all. This doesn't mean that no one in recovery is on antidepressants - alcoholism for many is a symptom of lifelong depression, and for them, the results are significant.

On this board, some people tend to recommend antidepressants casually. I just wanted to say that there can be another answer - emotional support and meditation got me through.

Sue