Breast Cancer and this Recovering Alcoholic

ICanDoThis

Breast Cancer and this Recovering Alcoholic

ICanDoThis

I've been posting on this board for over a month now, and, like many others, I was a lurker before that.

I've searched on this topic, and didn't find anything - if there are other links, I'd love to see them.

I feel strongly that there is no support for people in recovery on this board, and that it's important for someone to share what breast cancer is like when not using is the most important thing in the world, because if I don't have that, I don't have anything.

Please note that I'm speaking for myself here - my opinions do not reflect those of the community of alcoholics, or of any specific organization.

I've been in recovery for 25 years now, and I have been continuously sober for 24 of them. I come from a family of functional drunks where most people died of cirrhosis, but we were mostly successful, if you look at us from the outside.

Inside it was pretty scary. I was lost and suicidal, and the Twelve Step principles were and are the life raft that enabled me to have a good 20 year marriage, be a successful employee and mother. It has enabled me to successfully manage very serious asthma.

My sobriety is, seriously, the most important thing in my life. Even when I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer, my first prayer on rising is "Please, just keep me sober today," and my last is "Thank you."  It's never about cancer, or about my asthma.

In this cancer world, nobody seems to get this - I told my first oncologist this, and he said that he wasn't worried about my drinking. Well, that made one of us. I have a new oncologist, largely because of that answer. My current oncologist doesn't get it either, but she's more tactful.

These people throw around Atavan like confetti! Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain carefully to someone that avoiding mood-altering drugs is the foundation on which you base your life, have them nod, and then offer drugs when I cry because I'm afraid of some terrifying test the next day?  Over and over again?

I did take painkillers after surgery, for a few days, and after my abscess was opened, for 2 nights. On the second morning I woke up hysterical from a nightmare about drinking.Well, that's enough of that. Motrin is the only painkiller I do for the next six months.

You want to hear what surgery was like? - They put the iv in, and didn't tell me they were giving me pre-op sedation, even though I made an appointment to talk with the anesthesiologist, and explained that I was in recovery, and was going to have a hard time with all this. When the drunk feeling began to wash over me, my entire mind and soul rebelled; I could literally see some kind of guardian angel stand up and fight that horrible feeling. Externally, I was sobbing uncontrollably, my blood pressure and heart rate shot through the roof, and when the doctor asked what was wrong, and I managed to explain, she knocked me out. I'm really grateful that I only had one surgery, although I'm going to paint DO NOT GIVE PRE-OP SEDATION TO THIS PATIENT, along with the sign about lymphadema if I ever have to do this again.

I have not taken anti-depressants, or mood elevators, or tranquillizers. This disease can be fought, soberly.

I have leaned on my sisters at my regular women's group, and phone people to talk to them about what is going on, which I hadn't done for a long time.

If any of you is confronting the same problems, i'd love to talk with you.

Sue 

AnnNYC

Hi Sue,

I do know that there are others in recovery on this board.

You've written a very eloquent primer that OUGHT to be required reading for anesthesiology residents -- among others.

I do hope this post of yours can serve as a gathering place for women of like minds.

Best,

Ann

MelbMum

I can't believe you have had to go through so much. You are a very strong woman. I am sort of with you with the mood altering drugs as they don't seem to be an answer for me, BUT I also haven't been battling an addiction the way you have been.

Being diagnosed would have set a lot of people back onto the alcohol. I think you are amazing. Truly.

Good luck for the future.

ICanDoThis

I posted this because this is the component that addiction brings to breast cancer treatment. I'm sure there are recovering women who don't have the same issues that I did, but I wanted this message to be here for others in the future.

Alcohol dulls feelings. Recovery, for me, has allowed me to feel lows and highs. Yes, this was hard, but I got to feel everything when I got married, and when my daughter was born. Joy is worth sadness.

Believe me, if getting drunk would have helped treating the cancer, I would have been there in a heartbeat. Otherwise, it's out.

Sue

myheidiscrapbooking

Hi there, just read your post. I am not a recovering alchoholic but I did find that Antidressants helped with my depression and anxiety. You do not have to  be a hero. I might help to try these new meds and see if it makes you feel better. I feel they changed my life.

Best of luck to you.

Heidi

ravdeb

Sue..

I applaud you...not for writing this post but for using that inner strength of yours. I truly applaud you.

I am not a recovering alchoholic but.. I was handed this diagnosis and I used no drugs to ease the emotional pain. I lived through it and felt every bit of it and still do. I live in a country where these kinds of drugs are not handed to us and in fact, I know NO woman here who was offered drugs to make things easier. When I was concerned and worried my onc suggested I talk to somebody. The only woman with bc who I know who lives here in Israel who took some anti-depressant was my very good friend who was dying of bc and eventually did pass away only a few short weeks later. Even I suggested she get some help so that she wouldn't suffer more than she needed to in her last days.

Being alive is feeling it all..the joy with the sadness. That's what life is about and that's what is on our journey. Nobody promised us a rose garden. That's not to say that it's easy. It's not. And I again applaud you, Sue, for being strong and allowing yourself to feel it all. I'm sure it has not been easy.

Be well.

ICanDoThis

Heidi - what you said is the reason I posted. Antidepressants can do wonderful things for many people, and I wouldn't criticize anyone who needs them.

However, a history of addiction means that I am susceptible to serious emotional side effects, way beyond what you experience. It's physiological - the using changes the nature of the receptors in alcoholic's brains. As a result, I, and many other recovering alcoholics, use painkillers only when really needed, and other psychopharmacological agents not at all. This doesn't mean that no one in recovery is on antidepressants - alcoholism for many is a symptom of lifelong depression, and for them, the results are significant.

On this board, some people tend to recommend antidepressants casually. I just wanted to say that there can be another answer - emotional support and meditation got me through.

Sue

smithlme

Sue,

Congratulations on 24 years of sobriety! I, too, am not a recovering alcoholic, but my oldest son, is, and so is my ex. That you have stayed sober during a BC diagnosis, and treatment, demonstrates the incredible inner strength you have. Embrace that strength and the love you have for yourself.

Unfortunately, some doctors are quick to prescribe a pill to "fix" whatever ails us. Pills for pain, pills to sleep, pills to calm down, pills to cheer up. Years ago, I fought with depression and spent two and a half years in therapy and on Paxil. Did it help? At that time and for those issues, yes. When I was diagnosed this second time with Cancer, I have fought to keep myself off of anti-depressants. I need to do this for ME and me alone.

Be active in you care and be your best advocate. I write a Lymphedema alert on my arm when I have surgery and hang signs over my bed. When I'm not in pain, I refuse to take my meds when the nurse or doctor tell me to. I know my body and what I can tolerate.

Be well in your continuing journey...

Linda

AnnNYC

Ravdeb, Heidi and Sue -- I applaud you all for this important, reasoned discussion of mood-altering medications!!!

I think we are all becoming increasingly aware that one size does not fit all when it comes to medications, be they chemo drugs, antibiotics, hormone-blocking drugs, blood thinners -- and I hope that awareness will extend to a more subtle appreciation of the difference in response to sedatives, painkillers, antidepressants and other psychoactive drugs.

In my family, for instance, there is a lot of chronic and severe depression -- and very poor response to many antidepressants (even, in some cases, very frightening manic-type adverse events).  Only recently has it become clear that many of us lack an enzyme required to properly metabolize some of these drugs.  For me and certain family members it is the case (just as Sue is describing for herself) that drugs which are benign and even miraculous for others have bad effects for us!

Anonymous

Hi Sue....I'm sorry to hear of the additional struggles you've encountered in this breast cancer journey. It certainly is tough enough without the added difficulty of trying to avoid mood-altering drugs that detract from your effort to live a solid, sober life. You should absolutely be commended for your success in getting through the worst of it all while sustaining your recovery. Thank you for sharing your story....

~Marin (a sister in breast cancer AND in recovery)

roseg

ICan - It sounds to me like you have your thinking cap screwed on pretty soundly.

I've just been through a cancer treatment experience with my husband, who got a big bottle of Avitian, and I have to say that it was a lifesaver for him.   The nauseau and icky feelings coming off treatment steroids were greatly helped by those little yellow pills and I'm glad they were there for him.

Only you know your own sobriety and how your support group expects folks to cope, but I would remind you that there is no requirement to be a saint.

Cancer treatments can do a number on your emotions.  In consultation with your sponsor, and/or spouse it would not be wrong for you to take mood-altering medications to help you with pain for emotional distressed caused by cancer medications.

Certainly you shouldn't be in control of the drugs, but with the proper support - a sponsor or family member dispensing there isn't a reason to suffer.  In fact, un-treated suffering could well lead you to slip.

I think it's always right to consult your sponsor and group about these things.  But remember that you do not have to suffer!  

karenmary

I love this thread and am so grateful that you shared this point of view. I'm not sure I've ever considered the implications for those fighting addiction and I'm thrilled my mind has been opened. I wish you all the best -- keep us posted on how you are doing.