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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Hello Everyone xxx

    So sorry I havent posted ...I am having a real tough time with treatment...I am so full of powerful fatigue...and my bones are racked with pain and the like...which in turn makes me really sad and in turmoil.... I don't want to die .... I think I will...my body can no way fight anything if it is so ruined by treatment...

    My days off go so quick ...and I have to go to bed now...I cried myself to sleep last night ...my hands hurt my fingers ache ...I am a wreck ... I have no hair...I have no boob ...I am no good to no one ...I do nothing but sleep

    I FREAKING FREAKING FREAKING HATE YOU BOOTFACE ....I HATE WHAT YOU DO TO MY SISTERS ... MY FAMILY AND MYSELF I FREAKING HATE YOU SO MUCH I COULD SMASH YOU TO SMITHERINES AFTER I HAVE SMAKCED YOUR UGLY FACE ....YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ME I DID NOTHING WRONG ... YOU MAKE MY LITTLE BOYS SAD .... I HATE YOU ..... YOU HAVE WRECKED ME !

    Sorry sisters ...the chemo is still effecting me...I am supposed to go for cmf on Tuesday...my body cant take anymore..I am crying again...my body is in torture I AM SORRY TO WHINE ...

    I AM SO TRULY SAD

    I will lay my head down and cry xxx

    Much Love xxx

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  • portiasproudmom
    portiasproudmom Member Posts: 2,125
    edited February 2008

    Awww, Sue.  This too shall pass.  Bootface is a rotten, miserable disease.  I hate it with a passion too.  I hate that it's inflicted so much fear and misery upon all of us and our families.  In a strange way though, I'm grateful to it for bringing me closer to many of my family members and for leading me here.  Without bootface, I wouldn't have met any of you.  You ladies mean more to me than I could ever tell you. 

    I wish your chemo regimen wasn't such a long lasting one, Sue.  I just know that this second part will be less toxic and that you'll have fewer se's.  Bless you my dear sister.  I hope you're resting well.

    Love and hugs to all,

    Karen

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  • honeygirl
    honeygirl Member Posts: 1,718
    edited February 2008

    Oh Sue , I am so sorry. I hate bootface too , and the toll it has taken on you and all of us. I know it is so hard to face another tx again. But it shouldn't be as bad as before. Hopefully , your pain will lessen. Big hugs to you sweet Sue. My prayers are with you.xxxx Mel

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    It is 7am had one hours sleep again....so for the first time ever I called in sick .... sighs ... I really cant be bothered. I don't know ...but I am sorry ...back to bed xxx

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  • geebung
    geebung Member Posts: 1,851
    edited February 2008

    Oh dear and precious Sue,

    I was so sorry to read your last post. I hate that you are in so much physical and mental pain. Can you ask your doctor for something extra to take the edge off the aches and pains? It's just not fair that you have to suffer like this. I think you are such a wonderful person and mother to your dear boys and words just seem pathetic to express how sad I feel for you right now. All I can do is send my love to you. I wish I wasn't so geographically isolated and could do something to help.

    Sweet Ulla, how are you? I worry about you when you don't post. I hope you are feeling ok. 

    Lucy - love the beautiful beach pics. Wow - it almost doesn't look like winter! (Apart from the coats people are wearing!) Spring is not far away for you now. About 20 years ago I was in England in the middle of summer and I loved it.

    Karen - that is so cold! Winter must be having one big blast before spring starts. The warmer days will bring better times for you and many others here. 

    Love to all,

    Jane 

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  • Lucy1234
    Lucy1234 Member Posts: 289
    edited February 2008

    Sue remember how you felt a couple of days ago, it wont be long till you are back there!



    Look at my beach and imagine us crazy ladies stuffing our faces with ice cream with a couple of hunky men playing volley ball next to us!



    Ok forget the men (had enough of them lately)



    Thinking of you today



    Lucy



    XX

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  • Lucy1234
    Lucy1234 Member Posts: 289
    edited February 2008

    Ow and thats a shell my little one is holding up. We were collecting them



    XX

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  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited February 2008

    Sue -so sorry to hear you are in such pain, but glad to hear you called in sick. Jane is right, ASK YOU ONK FOR SOMETHING TO HELP YOU.

    You are smack dap in the middle of treatment and EVERYTHING you are experiencing is NORMAL (unfortunately) and IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

    The fatigue is the absolute worst.  But it is your body telling you need to rest - SO DO IT!!!  We will be here holding down the fort cursing & kicking that nasty bootface out of here!!!

    Aunty Em

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  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited February 2008

    Lisa & Ulla - where are you???  Hope all is well.

    AE 

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Hello Sisters...

    Hope you are all OK ...xxx I love you all xxx Sorry to be a whingebag... xxx

    I really really really need a hug right now...I wish we lived closer...I am close to tears at the thought of more tomorrow...my body is done in...I am completely despairing xxx

    I have lumps all over my back this morning ..I do not know where they came from ... I have slept the entire day but am still tired...I feel like throwing myself on the floor in a heap ....like a pile of washed out clothes ready for the dustbin ....

    It is such a long haul ...the ending is nowhere near and I am failing miserably ....

    I wonder if I could forgo the CMF xxx

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Lucy the beach is gorgeous...I really miss living there...it was my plan ....and now look ...its been ruined!!!  I cant wait to get down in the summer....I have seen some really nice places to stay...just self catering apartments or cottages.... god why did I move back .... grrrr.... I am so stupid...   yes forget the men .... they really are hard work...I am thinking here...but all men are hard work ...I dont know maybe I am just an indifferent biatch ...lol....god I am so fickle...my head is done in...xxx 

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    I would also love to permanently go on the sick for a while ...but sick pay is almost zilch ...I would lose over a 1000 a month...why is life so hard ...I AM SICK OF IT SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    RANT RANT RANT.... ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

    Yell

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  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited February 2008

    Sue, Rant all you want. You have gone through a life altering surgery and chemicals. I was out of work 5 weeks last year after my surgery and I only got 150 a week for short term disability. That barely covered the insurance premiums and other deductions that I have taken out every week (medical, dental, vision, cancer policy,401-k loan, etc.). In 2006 I earned close to 26,000, last year I earned 16,000 for the year. I lost 10,000 the month I was out of work.

    Sheila

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  • portiasproudmom
    portiasproudmom Member Posts: 2,125
    edited February 2008

    Sue, I'm so proud of you for calling in sick!  I know it goes against your incredibly strong work ethic, but if you're feeling horrible both physically and emotionally, it's just best to rest up.  Could the bumps you've mentioned be stress related?  Do you have ativan or any other anxiety medication you could take to calm yourself down?  I'm sure the way your feeling is all due to nerves over the unknown.  I feel so certain that the CMF will be kinder to you than the other cocktail you were on.  And look how well you did through the other!  I know you don't think so, but you were incredible!  You are the strongest person I know!!

    Please get tons of rest and take something to calm your nerves.  It's going to be fine!  I wish I was there to give you a big hug.  I feel so helpless that I can't help you feel better. 

    Love and hugs to you and all my other sisters,

    Karen

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  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited February 2008

    Sue - this is for you-----

    AE

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Hello Sisters xxx

    Hey I just read these last posts and as I got to Aunty Es' pic my heart melted .... and I sighed awwwww ...well it is my desktop pic now with a black background...I had the kitty one on all this time and loved it xxx

    Thankyou for all being here xxx

    Oh god ..while I was typing this ...I was lay downstairs for the first time in weeks...and Zippy was screaming for me at the top of the stairs....so I have had to come up to my bedroom save his emotional trauma of being out of his little routine hahaha....

    Help girls ...come kidnap me ...hold me hostage .... anything but tomorrow....I get my scan results too...I am way too exhausted to be nervous or anything...all I can be is verbally frustrated....it seems such an age away since last september...like 10 or so years ago anther life time ago...

    Isn't sickpay dire Sheila...you get the same as us ...ours is 70 0r 80 gbp....when its converted. I have appled for disability benefit ...you can get it even if you work...for illness or disability ...my doctor told me to...xxx

    Sorry for the waffley post....my head is all over the place tonight ...xxx

    Karen I wish we all lived closer Frown  .... I think my lumps on my back are some kind of bites or something...lol...ewwww....my back has been burning inside for days and now these have protruded...I will show ONKY tmw xxx

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  • Lucy1234
    Lucy1234 Member Posts: 289
    edited February 2008

    Sue thats terrible. They should pay full pay at least for a few weeks...

    The £80 a week is that not SSP that the government pay?

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  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited February 2008

    Sue, you take it easy and 'don't worry about it today, tomorrow is another day' (a quote or something like it from Gone with the Wind).

    I was fortunate that I took out an insurance policy that paid if I was dx with cancer, I ended up getting checks from that policy for about 12,000 over the year and have filed 2 more claims with them for the last two procedures that I have had done. If I had chemo or rads it would pay for each trip to the doctor.

    Sheila

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    I know its disgusting isnt it... thats my employer for ya...hes been paying me for chemo  but no way would he pay for a week. Its deplorable... I earn 18k plus bonuses a year how the hell does he expect me to live on 70 a week with boys etc ...I am never doing anymore overtime for him ... do you know I havent had a holiday since last June off work... I am booking a week at easter ...I need to have things to look forward to...not just work and illness...xxx

    the disabiity is 25 a week ...and yes the government pay that ...so tom gets away with paying nuffin... my last company always paid me in full  xxx

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  • honeygirl
    honeygirl Member Posts: 1,718
    edited February 2008

    Hi SueSmile! Mentally knowing your going to chemo makes you sick. So that on top of feeling tired and physically sick , it really is alot to handle. Remember how Ulla had such a hard time going to chemo again after she had that bad reaction? When we don't want to do something , but we have to , takes its toll on us. And you are getting the results of test , which is nerve racking. Please gather strengh and love from all of us Sue as you go tomorrow. I love you , and am praying for you. And heres a big , big hug from me.xxxxx

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  • geebung
    geebung Member Posts: 1,851
    edited February 2008

    Hi Sue, - that really stinks about the sick pay. Makes me wish for so many things for you and everybody else here. I hope you have a really good sleep tonight and gain strength for tomorrow's treatment. ((((((((((Sue))))))))))

    Lisa, I thought about you just before I went to sleep last night. I wonder how you are feeling. I should imagine that you are feeling quite a high level of discomfort at the moment but it will be worth it in the long term.

    AE - love the photos of the cats! Makes me want a cat or a dog. Yesterday, one of the new kittens from next door was on my front verandah and welcomed me when I walked outside. Such a little scrap of a thing but he stood up on his hind legs to meet my hand as I went to stroke him and was rumbling with his kitten-sized purr. I felt like stealing him!

    Lucy, it's such a sweet photo of your son on the beach. I lived on the beach for a while when my kids were small and we spent so much time there, collecting shells and building sandcastles in the winter and swimming in the summer.

    Hugs to everyone here. I am having a conversation at the moment and I am not able to give my full attention to writing this!

    Love,

    Jane xoxoxxoxox 

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  • geebung
    geebung Member Posts: 1,851
    edited February 2008

    I love those hugging cats Mel!

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  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited February 2008

    Sue, we will all be in the room with you tomorrow- concentrate on our strength to help you get thru.

    AE 

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  • portiasproudmom
    portiasproudmom Member Posts: 2,125
    edited February 2008

    Good luck tomorrow, Sue.  we'll all be there with you in spirit, holding your hand.

    Love you!!

    Hugs,

    Karen

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  • portiasproudmom
    portiasproudmom Member Posts: 2,125
    edited February 2008

    Well, I'm scheduled for my "sim" appt next Tuesday.  Sim stands for simulation and that's where they program the computer for my radiation and give me my tattoos.  The doc told me that I look really good for having just finished chemo.  If it wasn't for my bald head, no one would ever know that I'm undergoing cancer treatments.

    Love and hugs to everyone,

    Karen

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Hello Everyone... xxx

    Been there done it Yell  7 more to go..next one next Tuesday ugghhh

    GUESS WHAT ..... THOSE LUMPS....I have SHINGLES .... thats why I am extra tired and sad.... Yell   how have I managed to work through this ...I am going to schedule a weeks holiday in March...and sleep for England ...

    Hope you are all OK .... I have been thinking of you loads...

    I hope you are doing well Lisa .... I know it will be difficult right now... time will pass and you will feel good again xxx

    Ulla we miss you .....where are you sister Frown  you will be starting rads next week I am sure... xxx

    Karen how does he tatoo you...OMG ... I always thought having a tattoo may be painful... what fun awaits in June.... I can't wait to hear how you go.... xxx

    AE.... I love ya.... you know I do Tongue out   very much xxx

    Melody your kind words and your beautiful thoughtful pictures always give my heart a smile xxx You're one in a billion xxx

    gb.....hope you're having some good days with your sister and that the weather isn't as hot now.... we have had two quite warm and sunny days....all very strange weather for February ..... xxx

    Well wherever you are and whatever you are doing ...its 6pm in the UK and I am sending you all love ... I know you can feel it xxx

    Lucy .... I think you're a wonderful sister!!!!

    I cannot believe how long we have known each other...and how time flies ... I love you all xxx

    Much Love xxx

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  • portiasproudmom
    portiasproudmom Member Posts: 2,125
    edited February 2008

    OMG, Sue!  You have shingles??  You poor thing!  No wonder you've been feeling so crummy the past few days!  There's a lady on our October chemo girls thread who had shingles during chemo.  It went away and then came BACK!  You take good care, dear Sue, so that doesn't happen to you.  It just goes to show you how unbelievably strong you are--you've worked through not only chemo, but chemo WITH shingles!  You amaze me!!

    I don't think the tattooing will hurt.  My understanding it that the tattoos are very small.  I haven't heard anyone complain of pain during this process.  My dh and daughter thought it was pretty funny that I was getting tattoos on my boob.

    Take care of yourself, Sue.  I'm sure your doc told you not to go to work tomorrow.  Aren't shingles highly contagious?  You'd better take a couple days off to get over this. 

    Love you! 

    Hugs,

    Karen

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  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited February 2008

    Sue, One down, 7 to go. sorry to hear you have the shingles. I hope that they can give you something to help the discomfort. Also aren't shingles related to the chicken pox virus?

    Karen, My mom refused to get tattoos for her rads, the rad onc agreed as long as she kept the marks on her. She did not scrub the area marked while she was taking the rads, and they did have to touch it up every couple of days. Now they don't give you the option. I do not need the tattoos for the rads but one of the ladies I work with had bc about 10 yrs ago and her tattoos are about the size of the dot over the i or the period at the end of the sentence. Me on the other hand is scheduled to get my tattoos on my recon tomorrow (bigger than your tatts), probably about the size of a quarter.  The nurse did say that they will numb the area prior to the procedure. This will be the third time I have been scheduled to get them done but problems at the PS office has delayed the finishing touches.

    Love Sheila

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Karen xxx

    I think the tattoos sound fun to a teenager ...lol...I wonder what they feel like...I might read up...I will have to have them on my scar ...yikes...

    Well Shingles are only contagious before the lumps come out....the lumps are around the truncal area.... my lumps are out....so I guess I am OK to work....I hope Tom has caught them though .... apparently February is chicken pox season... I already had pox as a girl....they have given me tablets to take 5 times a day....

    havong chemo is very grim....it has taken me to some very dark places in my head... constant bad dreams and strange thinking... these have to be the worst weeks of my life in some respects....OH my .... why is everyone so much stronger ... I really wish I had the strength you have all got xxx

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  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited February 2008

    Sheila

    Why do they have to tattoo us...also how do they know where to tattoo us...and do they tattoo if I have had mastectomy ...GOD I AM SICK OF HOSPITALS xxx

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