anyone starting chemo in Nov 2005

Anonymous · February 2008

PS-cute kitty cat!!!
I wanna post a picture of my kitty! Daniel is yelling for me though...

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Deb, are you talking about JetJill that started this thread in the beginning? I tried to find her and couldn't.

I'm so glad we all have the info we need to stay in touch with one another.

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Deb, he is 11 lbs of kitty.

Anonymous · February 2008

I love fat cats. I wouldn't have it any other way!!!

My Rosie is a tiny frame, but weighs 8 lbs. For some reason, my dh misunderstood her records one time and was certain she weighed 18 lbs. Good gracious!

And yes, I looked for JetJill, and I clicked on some other names on the first page. Some of the women still post on the boards, just not with us (?!?! Why not? We are so sweet!!!).

I still think it would be fun to orchestrate a "reunion" at least online with these women!!!

It is so crazy to go back and read the old posts from when we first started. I SO wish we hadn't had that big switch-over, and lost so many individual posts. I feel like a part of my history is erased!

Love and prayers,Deb

AnnaM · February 2008

I have a laptop, it's a Mac, though. I say that bec. PC people think they couldn't ever come to like a Mac. Mac people know differently....

I think I'm in love. Screamer? What an absolute beauty!

Love to all,

Anna

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Thanks Anna, we may need that laptop...LOL

BTW, we have another cat Samson, he weighs 18lbs and is a stray from the neighborhood I think. A very well fed stray I must say. Here is a picture of him.

Not the best picture of either one of them LOL.

I found this on photo bucket

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Wanted to share with you all, this

was in my inbox

Sent: 5 Feb 2008 08:32 PM
From: Texgirl
To: MARYL
Subject: Meeting
I just had to respond to the Va. Ladies get together... I was born /bred a Virginian..grad. from Radford, but was transferred to Texas w/ my husband 7 yrs. ago....I just kinda got homesick there for a bit when I saw ya'll's post !!!

I was 54 at dx in 2/05..stage IIIc ..I have my 3 yr check up on Thurs. I have an on again off again fear thing going ! I hate that I can let my nerves get the best of me at these times !

Anyway ,I thought that Staunton would be a great middle place for all of u to meet..the town has been refurbished w/ antiques, gift store's, crafts...and a great old Shakespearean theater...the hotel is almost next door and is terrific ( chemo brain here cannot remember it's name ! )..also some great restaurants....I attended a wedding there in June and we really had fun..I hadn't been there in years...oh,well just food for thought ya'll have fun !

I thought that was sweet of her.

AnnaM · February 2008

Welcome, Texgirl! You were the same age I was at diagnosis. The same year! I agree, Staunton is a beautiful city.

You think that 18 pounder is big? I once had a 22-pound Maine Coon cat and he wasn't fat at all. In addition to his huge frame he had the longest, fluffiest fur and could really fill an armchair. He was the sweetest guy. When he was a year old we adopted an almost feral barncat and he became her mommy. They could never be found apart from then on. Boy, did we love those cats! He got smaller with age, though, when he died at age 17 he was a mere 15 lbs, I think.

Love, Anna

Margerie · February 2008

LOL Mary- what a cutie- and the cat is nice too Wink

We are die-hard cat lovers. We had two 18 pound boys. Mostly big boned with a little too much belly-LOL. And we adopted a feral cat. She was a scrawny little 6 pounds when we got her. I think she always thought each meal might be her last- so soon she was like a furry black basketball. Big Edna was about 17 pounds for most of her 12 years. I miss those cats Frown

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Marg~ Wink I think he is cute too, on most days LOL

Anna, wow that is a big CAT!

I don't know what I would do without cats, I love them.

I wanted to fill (no pun intended) you all in on my expander, I'm at the end of the road I think.

I had a fill done on Monday. I'm up to 820 cc now in a 800 cc expander. PS said that it can go to 880~OUCH

Anyway, this fill hurts pretty bad. I had to miss work today and for sure tomorrow. I though I may have to go and have him back out a few cc's, but I'm going to hold out so I can get this over with.

I return to him on March 18......from there we will see if I'm ready for the exchange.

I feel like I have a basketball in my chest.....But he is trying to get the middle to push out more, Rads was hard on me.....

I do feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. I just wish I didn't feel like I was 100 years old, fat and ugly on top of that....grrrrr

I miss my old self so much. Maybe after the exchange and spring getting here I will feel better, I can only hope.

I just have such a hard time with my self esteem anymore.

FIFTY TWO is not fun! At least I have hair, eye site is aweful, looked at my legs the other day because they were itching~had glasses on, OMG! Talk about needing to be shaved.

Brain dead more than not , and can't keep up with my house worth a darn....And there is nobody here but Michael and I, so sad.

Girls, I need a pep talk....either that or misery loves company....And I feel such guilt, because I really am doing well for all that I have gone through.

So many of our sisters can't say the same.

Okay, I have had my vent......I'm off to do something productive.

Please give me some advice from the heart. As always I love you guys.

Anonymous · February 2008

My dear sweet sister ML,

First thing-you are so loved, hairy legs or not.

Second-I don't know how many times during our cancer journey you have ever had a down time. Let me think back....ummmmm......

NEVER?!

Honey, you need to have these moments, as hard and as lousy as they are and make you feel. I'm surprised you made it this long before you hit a rough patch.

Remember, we are going through such awful changes-physically and mentally. It is a LOT for us to take on. You are not being a baby, or a wimp for feeling the way you do. It is ok for you to feel pain and discomfort with what you are having done.

And yes, you are doing well compared to some of our other sisters, but that doesn't make your trials and tribulations any less important.

I told my best friend last year that I was mad at myself for getting frustrated over stupid things, like my husband ignoring me when I tell him where the checkbook is, and then he asks me 10 minutes later where the checkbook is.   I was like, "I had CANCER, and LIVED!!! What kind of person am I to get frustrated at stupid things like this?!?!"

She said, "A normal one."

"Yes, you had cancer, and yes, you have overcome a lot, but that doesn't change the fact that you are HUMAN. There will always be things to challenge you-despite the challenges you have already had."

What a wise and good friend she is.

ML, I know this is so uncomfortable for you. The end is near, and I assure you that when you do the exchange, it is going to feel TONS better. You'll be amazed at what an easy surgery it was, and how it is the first surgery that you wake up feeling better than you did befoe the surgery took place. At least, that is how I felt.

Let yourself be frustrated, but don't let that frustration overtake you. That is where it gets to be a problem. Until then, you are NORMAL to feel this way.

I love you SO VERY MUCH, and I pray for your comfort, peace, and serenity.

Love and prayers, Deb

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Deb, how very sweet ....Now the tears roll. Yes I know I'm loved very much by some and forgotten by others.

I had never felt forgotten as much as post BREAST CANCER.

Seems that I just don't have a place anymore. I think I need to make myself a new one. A place to give back and really feel needed.

It is hard when you have an empty nest. Not that I could go back to the days of 2 boys growing up and testing my every nerve. If I had one left at the end of the day they got on it.

I'm so grateful for all the kindness, and for the understanding that comes from all of my special sisters.

I am going to copy and paste these responses, and read them when I need to step back and take a long deep breath.

Thanks so much.

NEXT?

Anonymous · February 2008

Do you know the children's book "I'll Love You Forever"? Or maybe it's just "Love You Forever." Anyway, it is a story about how a mommy rocks her baby back and forth and sings this sweet song,

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be"

The book describes the Mommy singing this song to the boy as a baby, then she sneaks into the boy's room when he is 2, an adolescent, a teenager, and a grown man. She picks up her son each time and rocks him back and forth and sings the song.

The picture of her holding her son on her lap while he is a sleeping man is priceless, by the way. She is tiny and he is huge.

Eventually, the mommy becomes very old and sick, and the son comes to see her. The story ends with the son picking up the Mommy and singing the song to her, but ends the song with
"As long as I'm living,

My Mommy You'll Be."

Then he goes home to his newborn daughter and sings the song to her.

The book always gets me teary and weepy, because of course the meaning is so much different for me than "normal" mommies.

My point (and I do have one, as Ellen DeGeneres would say) is that it doesn't matter how old your boys are, you are still their Mommy.

Even though they are grown up, they still need you.

I don't know the "empty nest" syndrome yet, of course, but I do know that you do still have a place in the hearts of your children, no matter how old they are.

Lots of love and prayers, Deb

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Oh Deb, that is so sweet, as you know there was more tears.

I'm going to post that to each of my son's on their myspace. I send them stuff like that all the time.

They aways want to know why I send "Cry Baby " stuff. (Men) The boys are so funny sometimes. All Manley LOL. The wives/girlfriends tell me different, like I don't already know

But I know that it matters, they do love me and they know I love them. I'm just very proud of them both.

And I always tell them how I feel. They never have to guess.

They just have to do the "MAN" thing and not show to much emotion. You are so very right, they do need me and always will. Just for different reasons.

I remember when my oldest got a divorce, I knew then it was mom that he would run to....I was right.

When the little one...LOL (all 195 lbs of him) called from boot camp crying harder than I had ever remembered , needing more than ever to talk to mom.

( Hearing him cry over his girlfriend that had broke up with him. I never heard his heart break before.)

It was the wrong girl , but my heart just broke as he poured out his heart to me on a very limited phone call.

I had to learn as all moms do , to let go.

We will always look back at the journey of being a mom and it never ends till the day you no longer have a breathe left.

And I still believe I will watch over them even if I'm not here on earth from what I have taught them through there stages of life.

I was told when Christopher was about 2 by a friend of my mom's that they walk on your feet when they are little and on your heart when they are big.

I didn't understand till they were much older and so was I. ( And along with age comes wisdom)

But I knew what she meant the very first time one of the boys walked on my heart. And I remembered what she had told me.

The empty nest is nice......and when I want to fill it I round up the crew . We have grown into a large family now, just from the boys daddy and I.

It is so wild looking back, sometimes I feel as if I'm having an out of body experience. It is so very strange at times.

When you are young you are always planning. But when the years start adding up to half a century.....you know that the journey of life is close to being spent.

That is where the old , ugly comes from....along with all that has happened with the BC.

I think it has just caught up to me and I have to stop and regroup. I never saw myself as a grandma of "THREE" And when Ashley was born I was only 38....people thought I was her MOM!

Sebastian , Cory and Jessie were just here. I was cleaning as I do while Michael is gone. I was finding all kinds of stuff Sebastian could get into .

I'm so out of the baby proofing stage it's not funny. LOL Have to get the gate put up at the top of the steps, he is now in motion !

I just had a thought, Cory came to get OUR truck~ His daddy has a TRUCK. We live the same distance from him. Me on one side about 15 min, and his dad on the other about 15 min. In fact his dad lives in the direction he was going-ummmmmm?

I told you they always run to MOM.....

I had a long heart to heart with Michael and I feel a little better , allot of my feelings has a great deal to do with us. And most of it is ME....

I do need to regroup, he may take off for Valentines day. That would be nice, if I can even wrap my head around romance.

Don't even get me started on that.

Deb , I was reading the other kinda "MOJO" thread.

I think I will try to get something to wear. Other than the house wife look

Thing is I get it and then see myself and just cop out. Like it is going to last that long....Still , ya know what I mean?

So uncomfortable with me. Grrrrrrrrr

Thanks for being there, this is so much information. And I am posting it here on a message board. Oh well, LOL I used to think it doesn't matter i will never see these people ....Well we know that isn't going to hold true much longer. And I'm glad that I have been real and open.

That is who I am.......and I know you all love me for just that reason.

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Deb, I just checked my email and one of my BC sisters here at home had sent me a bunch of sayings. Here is one I just had to share.

(EMPTYNESTROGEN)
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

Anonymous · February 2008

I love you lots, ML! I loved your post, btw.

Love to all my sisters,

Love and prayers, Deb

AnnaM · February 2008

Mary Lou, you are such a loving person, I know there is love all around you, sometimes you don't see it, though, right? Feeling forgotten sounds familiar. I tell myself that the friends who seem to have forgotten me are busy with the same things I have been busy with at different times in my life. Are your DILs like daughters to you? Daughters are good (when they are past age 13-18), because they remind you of who you were at their age, and because they speak of emotional issues in a language that makes sense. I haven't had a son, just a brother 17 years younger and a stepson who was already an adult when I came on the scene. I do know that my brother and I sure speak differently about difficult things (like our parents and their aging issues), but we try to talk all the same.

As for question of body image, how could you feel comfortable with a basketball sitting on your chest? Knowing that your exchange is near must be exciting and scary at the same time. You will be finished with surgeries! Back to the body: you are not your body. Your body is a mere illusion "housing" the real you. You are what's inside your mind, and that is pure love. We each struggle against the false belief that we are our body, and we tinker with our looks and find fault with all sorts of things, but in God's eyes you are perfect, dear Mary Lou.

Love to you on this halfway-to-spring weekend. And love to all my sisters,

Anna

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Thank you all so much, Anna beautiful words. Deb really had beautiful words also. I know Odalys and Marg will too.

Each of you have touched my heart in such a way that it is almost to good to be true. Yet I know each and every one of you care about me as much as I care about you, your health, your life, the good and the bad times.

We know about the husbands, the kids , the pets.....and as each year goes by we grow together in our friendships and in our spirits...

How I praise God that I was somehow sent to this board on that day back in 2005. When I was so unsure, and afraid.

And after all this time I can still do that and you all are here eager to hold my hand when I really need someone to steady my next step so I won't fall.

There is no other word for you dear sisters....you're my Angels......

Anonymous · February 2008

Oh, Anna, that gave me a chill, and brought me comfort, too!!!!!

How nice is that? You intend to comfort one person, and make two feel good. Well done, dear sister!

ML-hoping that God is holding your hand firmly but with Love.

Anna-good to hear from you, I've missed your sweet words.

Where the heck are Marg and Odalys!??!!? !?

Love and prayers, Deb

PS-when organizing today, I found Kim's address sitting in the midst of some stuff. It made me sad. I should email her family.

PPS-read my thread about my dh, and how crazy he is making me. I could use some loving words, myself!

Margerie · February 2008

I am still here! Busy with kids, getting my graphic design stuff going. Pet trauma today Cry One of the cats got out and went to coyote heaven. DH felt so bad- we already have a new cat. Her name is Melissa. She is a purr monster. Sometimes I do not like the transience of life!!!!

Mary Lou- pain is a very emotional thing!! I have a friend that went thru the expanders phase- it really is like having basketballs!! This has been such a long, hard road. And my reconstructive surgeon told me it can be a very emotional time. It is!

Chin up girl and don't pop anything between now and your surgery. I wouldn't let your new cat near 'em! Wink

And sometimes I wish our crazy house would just be still and silent for a little while. Then I remember that before I know it, all the kids will be gone and it will be. And I will be sad!!

Take care Angels,

Margerie

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Thanks Marg, sweet words too.

There is a new song by Trace Atkins "Your gonna miss this" It is all about them leaving. Gets me every time.

But I do remember just wanting to take a shower......and almost to tired to do that.

It has been a long time since I have had little ones.

Michael put up the gate, at the top of the steps that leads down to the family room. There is also a wood stove there.

No way Sebastian needs to be down there. I keep toys upstairs.

I must say, I feel better today....the words of encouragement are so calming.

BTW~ Is the wind bad where you are? Here it is about 60 mile an hour winds. Things are blowing everywhere. Nail down everything Anna!

Well I need to go and put some curtains up in the living room. It is coming together. Been tore apart way to long now....

Deb I will go read your thread on DH.

Odalys, Where are you? Hope every thing is okay.

Love SISTERS

Odalys · February 2008

Hello sisters. I'm here but life has become extremely hectic and stressful these past few weeks. I'm not sure if I told you about mom's grave condition. She has been in and out of the hospital and Dad finally signed a DNR on Friday. She is home but her condition has deteriorated to the point she needs around the clock care. We are all hanging in there. It's been most difficult on Dad and Sis but they finally agreed to have hospice evaluate mom on Monday. It hasn't been easy to get them to realize what is going on with mom but I think all the prayers have helped. They seem to be handling it better and appear to be more at peace. Mom is holding her own for now but she keeps asking dad and sis to let her die. I'm so sad... Cry

I also want to tell you that I really felt God's presence the other day. I was walking through the hospital lobby and this lady approached me to ask me where she could find the cafeteria. We didn't recognized each other at first but it turns out we graduated from High School together. She seemed very sad and distraught so I asked her if she had a relative in the hospital and if there was anything I could help her with. She said no (deep silence) I just got back from seeing the doctor because I have bc...I had surgery and just got my path results....I have to do chemo, can you believe that....I told my doctor no way....I am not going to do chemo!!!! Boy, did I understand how she felt! I shared with her about my history and how chemo is not fun but doable. We spoke for a few minutes and I reminded her she did not need to make a decision right now. I advised her to research her condition and all her options. She gets to decide how much treatment she wants to endure. I gave her my number and this site. I hope she uses both. But, if she doesn't, I know God wanted me to deliver His message for the day....I still get chills just thinking about it.

Anyway, I haven't been able to read back but noticed y'all have been very chatty. Great! Someone had asked about Jetjill? A few months back I was able reach her and she told me she stopped coming to the boards because she was having difficulty typing and reading...I think she said Vertigo? Anyway, when I get a chance i'll see if I can dig up her email.

Got to run now. I need to do some groceries and maybe drop by mom and dad's for a little while. I'll be back as soon as I get a chance. Please keep mom and my family in your prayers. We all need peace.

Love and (((((hugs)))))

Anonymous · February 2008

Oh Odalys-I'm so very sorry about your Mom. I know this is the hardest thing to endure.

I'll pray for peace for all of you.

Gotta go for now-Love and prayers, Deb

Margerie · February 2008

Odalys, You are an angel on earth. I hope your mom's transition is peaceful. I am so sorry you and your family are going thru this difficult time.

I took your advice and called my mom. I feel much better. Much better than if I had been the more stubborn one and waited for her to call me first. The mother/daughter relationship can sure be tumultuous. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you right now. Take care my friend. And peace to all!

Love,

Margerie

Odalys · February 2008

Just want to give you an update on mom. Her condition took a turn for the worse last night and today she was admitted to Hospice. Doctor's are trying to make her comfortable with morphine but told us this is the end. It's a matter of time before her lungs fail her. I don't know if she will make it through the night. Please pray for her soul and my family to find peace.

Love and hugs,

Anonymous · February 2008

Oh Odalys,

My eyes are tearing up for you and the pain you are feeling.

Oh, this is so very hard for you and your family.

I am praying for all of you, and your mom's soul. She will certainly be led to the Kingdom of Heaven-it is so clear that you are all a family of faith.

There are no words I can give you right now to ease your heart, and for that, I am so very sorry. I do wish I could make it easier for you.

You have so much love and support, and I do hope that comforts you. I know you well enough by now to know that you share the things that weigh upon you, and that will be a blessing.

Please let us know when you are able.

So much love and prayers are coming your way, Deb

Margerie · February 2008

I am so sorry Odalys. We know some beautiful angels up there waiting for your mom. Wishing you comfort and peace..

Mary-Lou · February 2008

Odalys, I'm so very touched by the relationship your family has.

May God hold your hand and give your family strength to endure this time of sadness..

I know that the angels are waiting to greet your mom, and she will rejoice and be well.

Maybe Kim will be there too.

I know it must be so hard to deal with this, I remember how it was with my daddy. I'm thankful it was fast, so the pain was nothing compared to what you have had to face.

I feel so bad being a cry baby about nothing that even comes close to what you are going through.

(Shame on me, holding head down) Embarassed

Please let us know as you can......we all hold you in our prayers.

Odalys · February 2008

It is with a heavy heart that I come here to let you know mom passed away at 10:10 this morning. Our family is very grateful for all the prayers. I know they made her transition a little bit easier. The viewing is tonight and the burial tomorrow at 12:00.

Words can not express how grateful I am for all the love and support you've show me. I love you guys.

Mary-Lou · February 2008

I am so very sorry my sweet sister, my heart goes out to you. There is no other pain like that of losing a parent.

May God be with you and your family during this very difficult time.

Love

Mary Lou

anyone starting chemo in Nov 2005

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