Jan 2008--Ain't it Great?

Hey there, Jewels,

Haven't been on for a couple of days. Went back to work Monday. Have been really tired in the evenings and just wanted to sleep. I have a stupid respiratory bug that is annoying as @#$%. Thankfully, no fever and it seems to be better today than yesterday. Hopefully, the Neulasta has given me the WBCs to fend off a major illness.

Monday I joined the Bald Babes Club. My students were a little timid and some of them actually cried, but we finally got it all off. One of my fellow teachers is bald and he made sure I got a good close shave! The picture that I'm posting (I hope) is the one of Craig and me after my new do--don't you think we look like brother and sister?! And I'm thinking we kinda look like Mr. and Mrs. Clean (do you all remember the Mr. Clean man?)

So, after the shave I tried out one of my wigs. I don't think I'm going to wear them very often-- or for very long at a time. They just aren't as comfortable. Yesterday I wore a hat to work. Today I tried another wig. I ended up pulling it off by lunchtime and replacing it with a hat!  Funny, I thought my head would be cold, but I prefer having nothing on at all.

D1, Carol/Golfer, and Kathy: Hope your treatments went well today!

Looks like we have a whole jewel chest full of sisters stepping up for chemo tomorrow: LJ, DianeB, Maz, CHJ, CarolC, Tina, AZDonna, and Sista. I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow!

CHJ- you are a lovely baldy! And Murphy is soo adorable--whatta big kitty!!

CarolC- glad things are working out on the financial end. Sorry about your vicious round of food poisoning. Hope you're fully recovered.

Kris- hope you're feeling normal again!

Sharont- you're in the home stretch--last treatment is just around the corner. Yeah!

Peg1212 and Tina- welcome to the Jewels!

Julie- I am sooo sorry that you're having such a bad time with the N/V. I would encourage your onco to make some aggressive changes to your nausea meds for your next round.

Vettegal- you sound so upbeat. Good for you! Tell Vetteguy to quick waxing the bathroom floor

Joan- sending big (((HUGS))) your way. I too hope that you have a good support network to help with visits to your mother. You're in my prayers.

WVGirl- you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there!

Time to shower and take a Benadryl to dry up this nose...

take care, Paula

Great new pics today, thanks for sharing Paula and Carol.  It had to be pretty touching to have some students crying when you got the buzz. 

Kimberly, started a "short" conversation with the onc in regards to those darn ovaries and how chemopause doesn't seem to be setting in.  He said that I should try to not worry about the ovaries at this point, (he didn't quite state it like that), but get through the chemo/rads and then we will tackle the ovaries.  He said there is no great evidence in txt the ovaries at the same time as the chemo.   I ended the conversation saying "I want these babies out"!

Also, Kimberly, remember that ibu tonight!

D1 - "just say no" to the possibility of lymphedema.  Atleast your seeing a pt who hopefully can help you.   I'm seeing a pt too, got some initial measurements and I just count my lucky stars that so far so good.

Julie, hope your in for a good nights rest tonight, same for you Kimberly.  Hard to not feel fatigued if your awake half the night.  Pleasant dreams as well!

Peg, so are you going to win the hair bet?  I love the spirit so many have shared with the hair loss battle. 

Tinalee , I've got you down for a med T.  I'll wait until Fri to place a new order and it will probably take about 2 weeks.  Sorry so long!

DianeB, remember this is the "short term pain, for the long term gain"!  You've already proved that your a tough cookie, and although the length of time for txt seems ugly, we'll all get though this.  As far as CMF not being up to par (so to speak), my oncs reiterated to me that it is a very effective txt, your ER+ and Her2- which you'll get so much benefit from a hormone txt as well.  Dr. Linden at Seattle Cancer Care came out very candidly and said that the Adrianmycin regimen gets a whole lot of press from the drug co and that alot of docs go with it when a easier on the body reigimen could be just as effective without the risk of heart problems.  She had just returned from the San Antonio symposium at the time. I just re-listened to my recorded meeting with her on my way to chemo today.  Hey I am curious to your dosage of cytoxan, my white count was low today and I was told that dosages could be tweeked possibly in the future. 

Deb, like your evening plans of tub and bed, I'll be hitting it myself shortly.

wvgirl, hopefully you know how much we all care about your situation at home, as Kimberly said, I hope you can get some support from outside the home to help ease your heart strings.  Boy I hope your dh can come around just a little, would he even consider a little counseling?

Vettegal, you go gal, two good days in a row, gotta like it.  I always enjoy your stories, hope to hear many more!!!

KathyL, so maybe you won't be picked as the chemo poster child!  I sure am glad you are receiving your txt at a place that atleast seems to be on top of fixing you back up.  I bet the nurses see you coming and want to run ... !  Glad you ended up having the day go okay!

Boy it will be hard to find a seat at the bar tomorrow, all the best for a non eventful  chemotini for ... DianeB, Maz, CHJ, Tinalee, CarolC and Sista2

Gotta force a little food down, and another bottle of water, night all,

Carol

Hi Jewels

Today is day day 7 of 1st tx.  I went back to work on Monday and it has basically been go to work, come home & go to bed. I am exhausted by the end of the day.  So much going on with getting things finalized for my daughter to head off to college in June (housing, financing, etc) and taxes and my dh turns 50 the day after my next tx, trying to throw a surprise party in somewhere. Errgh, I really just don't have time for this right now.  OK the venting is over, Sorry about that.  God is so good and I know his plan is far better than mine.  I will definitely "Praise him in this storm".

Day 3-5 were the worst for SE's so far. Tastebuds are history.  Hopefully next week will be all up hill. I am learning to love and enjoy those feel good days.

All you recent baldies look awesome.  I am sure I will be joining the club soon.

Praying everyone that had treatment today has peaceful night sleep and very minimal SEs tomorrow.

Good Night

Jackie

Just a quick post before I hit the hay for the night (I HOPE!!) -- thinking of all of our Jewels going for tx tomorrow. Go get 'em, girls! I'm praying for minimal se's for all of you.

More tomorrow!

Julie

OK chemo brain is setting in-- I missed a whole page of posts on here!

Paula:  Great pic!  You look awesome bald.

CarolC.:  I didn't have your change either, sorry.  I got it now.  Are your dates the same?.  Your wig looks nice... it takes some getting used to, huh?  I find I like my hats and scarves a lot.  I wear the wigs here and there-- mostly for the kids.

D1:  Yeah, the reaction was a blast.  I teased the nurses they'd be drawing straws for who'd have to be ny nurses for round 3!  But I agree, that one should go better now that they know I need MORE drugs!  I'm a regular cellular-level pharmacy.  I was very shaky after my reaction-- but this is how my body reacts to any "challenge"... I was the same when I was pregnant and delivering, when I get really nauseous, etc.  They offered me Ativan but I said no.  Heehee-- what a rebel!  I was fine and stopped shaking all on my own later.  Good news.  I've hopefully combatted the awful constipation this time-- lesson learned.  I took Miralax last night and it seems to have worked better today than my previous regimen of Senna-S.  I'm going to keep it up for a few days also.

Well, I gotta go eat so I can take my Decadron.  Catch the Jewels later.  Good luck to the masses going today for txs!

Good morning Jewels...Thanks to all for the kind welcomes, I'm sorry and glad at the same time we're all here. 

Wishes to all who had tx yesterday, that the se's are minimal.  Good thoughts for all going for another round today (I'll be right there with ya').

KathyL and D1 -- thanks for all the administrative work you do for this thread. 

Carol -- thanks for the t-shirt note, check is on its' way.  Great pic!  That's very cool that your ex-mil and you have such a good relationship, I'm blessed with the same but she's far away (FL).

Paula -- love that pic!

CarolC -- your wig looks nice!  I found I had to snip away a little on mine at the bangs, I must have a short forehead or something, I kept felt like I was eating those bangs half the time. 

Kimberly -- thanks for the welcome, I saw our tx's are similar, however, split up.  I'm interested in your tx -- you're doing all three at the same time, but, three weeks apart.  I'm curious what advantages/disadvantages there are, one vs. the other.

Gotta run, wishing everyone a good day. 

Just a quick update - I talked to some of my work buddies, and 2 of the 3 women I had lunch with on Tuesday have the same stomach bug!  So at least I know where it came from.  I wonder if it was something in the food...  Whatever, it doesn't matter.  I still feel like crap!

D1, you can change my next date from 2/7 to 2/11.  After that, I'm not sure.  3 weeks apart, but I may try to slide each one a bit more toward the end of the week.

CHJ 

Hello Ladies,

I am still fighting with my insurance to get this great Onco I want.  These people at my insurance group say I am not allowed to see him because he is not under my net group (insurance), then I call the Nurse at the Dr's office and she says they are.  I called the corporate office and went completely off f this and f that because I am so overwhelmed with all of this - I want this Dr and they dumb ladies have no idea if I can go to this Dr or not. My Corporate office says I am allowed but and she requested an expediate to get this second opinion so I can get this Chemo regimen from the Dr.  I am  telling you Ladies when ever something bad can happen it always happens to me.

Then the night before my boyfriend told me he doesnt want to be with me after 11 years.  He says that I am too dependant and selfish.  He said that since I started school and got this Cancer I expect everyone to be there for me and that I should grow up and learn to do things by myself.  It all started because I asked him to help me pay for my last surgery and he said I always have my hand out for some money.  Mind you I am on disability paying water and power $380 every month in a half, gas bill, phone bill, cell bill, school loan $240, car insurance $90, health ins $336, food and gas and I only get $1000 from disability.  He said that once I am done with fighting/beating Cancer and school in Oct he wants me to move out.  He says that we are just roommates and we have out grown each other.  After he said all this tears just fell down my face and I said ok.  He asked me why didnt I have anything back to say and I told him what can I say - you have made your decision and I dont have energy to fight with you when I am fighting for my life. He tells me that I need to grow up and do all this on my own because then I would I will appreciate it more being that I paid for school, insurance and et by myself.  Now mind you he owns FOUR houses, and has at least 5 cars, my Dad has at least $100,000 and my other  half brother sold his apt building for $600,000 and my other brother is living in a 4 story house, his kids are all driving 2008 cars and lexus trucks and cars and here my family sees me fighting to stay alive on $1000 a month with all my bills.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone really loves me!  I figure if I do die from all this bury me ass up so everyone can kiss my ass - he ha.  I had to make a joke about this or I will just lose it like I have been!

I would move in with my Dad but being since I was a little girl my father was very physically abusive and never told me he loved me or that he was proud of me.  All I heard from my Dad was that I am a dumb b*tch, whore and etc.  I tried leaving my boyfriend 2 years ago and live with my Dad but my Dad pulled a gun out on me for cutting his grass wrong so I had no choice but to move back with my boyfriend.  I tell you life never seems to be easy for me.  I sure wish my Mom wasnt dead I know she would love me like no other.

I sometimes wonder why I have to go through all this.  I was born to a abusive father - Had the best Mom you can ever ask for then she dies, my brother dies and here I am fighting to stay above water.  I feel like I am drowning sometimes.  Yesterday I cursed so badly at the my Insurance and Drs I felt like I was having an anxiety attack I had to leave class early because I couldnt take it anymore.  I know God has his reasons but honestly I dont understand why me.  And most of all I hate when I get this stressed, angry and sad because I know God will allow all this to pass but I let this get the best of me - know my back is hurting so bad - and being that I have Cancer I feel like it has spreaded elsewhere now because of my stress.  I started smoking again because of all this stress.

So now I hide away in my bedroom away from my roommate (ex-boyfriend),  so that I stay out of his way.  I have a good friend that I can count on because I see all my other friends have disappeared and call once in a while.  I tell you its with the Grace of God that I am still here living  - if that is what you call it.  I feel like I am just existing and this Cancer will eventually take over cause the Insurance people have no idea what they are doing.

Having said all this - CAN YOU LADIES PLEASE PRAY HARD FOR ME AND ASK GOD TO GIVE ME STRENGTH CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM AT ROCK BOTTOM.  I  know suicide is a sin and I would never do it but I sure have let it cross my mind.  I am tired of fighting, I am tired of not being loved, I am tired crying, I am tired - I am just straight out tired.

Carol I forogt to mail the check yesterday so I am mailing it today! I am so sorry! I am just losing my mind.

God bless all of you Ladies and I am so happy that you are beating this Cancer, and I am happy that you all have support - I am always praying for you.

God bless,

Dana 

Good Morning Jewels,

I slept well last night, and went for a walk this morning…that felt good, then started reading the threads I usually read.



I’ve been following on one of the forums a man who lost his wife. He posted that he was lonely and was thinking about dating. He and his wife had talked about her wish that he move on and find love again. Anyway, he’s such a sweet guy and loved his wife dearly (over 30 years married). He posted throughout her diagnosis, surgeries, treatments, and eventual nothing more we can do prognosis, hospice, and her death. Someone was offended by his post regarding his thinking about dating, like it was their right to judge him, and had his post deleted even though it didn’t meet the requirements for a post that should be deleted. I was shocked. I was also disheartened at how some women could attack him and those of us who support his choice to live his life as he and Diane discussed. Made me soooooo grateful to have all of you Jewels…knowing we can express whatever we need to without fear of being attacked and judged.



Vettegal- You crack me up, and I just about fell off my chair when I read the oral sex comment…hysterical!!!!

I’m so glad you’re feeling so good. Keep taking advantage of that feeling…and hey, maybe the hubby will get lucky. HaHaHa



Kathy- Well, when you only have four chances to make an impression nothing says…I’m a fun gal, like turning red and not breathing LOL. I’m sorry you had a reaction…but like you said, the upside is the sleep benefit of Benedryl.

I’m so glad I expressed the reaction concern about round #2 and asked up front for my Taxotere to be dripped really slowly for the first 20 minutes. The onc nurse totally humored me as she said people usually react to the first dose, not the second. I told her that we had at least three on our site that reacted to the second…now I’ll tell her we had another. There may be something to this slow drip thing. Hope you got a good night’s sleep and this weekend is kind to you.



Carol- You look great!!!! I’m with you on being a computer non-geek. Notice my Super Girl pics still haven’t been posted.



And how enlightened are you to still have such a wonderful relationship with your ex’s mother!!!! That is how it should be…you might divorce the man, but the relatives still need to be in the life of the kids and the spouse. It’s so important for kids to know that just because Mom and Dad can’t live together anymore, that doesn’t change that everyone still loves them. I’ll bet you and your ex are friends, too. BRAVO!!!!



And, no you weren’t imagining being tired…low blood counts really do affect your energy level. What a lovely way to spend the afternoon sleeping in front of the fire (like your dogs sprawled in the sunshine…great image…). Get lots of rest and gear up and stay ahead of those potential se’s.



The onc’s just one thing at a time answer doesn’t surprise me at all…and I’m with you. I will be advocating for that when I’m done with rads. Whatever I can do to keep the estrogen at bay, I’ll do. I know surgical menopause may not be easy, but if chemo sends us eventually into a menopause like state, then we’ll have some experience with what it will be like, right?



“Also, Kimberly, remember that ibu tonight!”…OK, you’ll be me as in not sleeping? I’m feeling really dense right now, Carol.



Paula- I love the picture!!!! How great that you and your students shared that experience. My students had the same reaction…hard for them to see me without hair…means I’m sick…but I told them that it means I’m getting well!!!!



D1- Here’s to a better time with se’s since the infusion went better.



CarolC- The wig looks good, but if you get the wig cut and trimmed to fit your face…you may like it better. Also, make sure the wig fits properly. If not, have it tucked. You look good with no hair…you’re right…we are all just darn good lookin’ gals!!!!!



Joan- So glad things are looking up today…let’s keep that momentum going through the weekend and just skip those se’s that usually arrive day 3-5.



Jackie- Glad you seem to be on your hump day, and heading into the downhill slide. Yeah, the taste bud thing sucks, but gets better before the next tx.



CHJ-Oh, I’m sorry you got sick…and with something that makes you throw up…how ironic. The good news…thankfully you didn’t get this the day after chemo. Your body will be able to recoup much faster now than it otherwise would have. I know you’re disappointed.



Tina- Hey, I don’t know what the benefits are to doing it all at once or separated the way you’re doing it. It could be the protocol a medical group has agreed upon based on the facts in each case. I know that my medical group has ‘breast conferences’ to discuss cases. My surgeon, plastic surgeon, and others were there. Mine was one case that was brought to the group. So, I’m thinking that as a group they decided based on the facts of my case that I’d have the kind of surgery I had (bilateral skin preserving mastectomy with expanders placed) and that I’d have chemo and radiation plus hormone suppressing drugs down the line.



LJ13- WhooHoo on the last AC!!!!! I can understand taking Herceptin at low doses over a longer period if there’s a risk for heart issues. I’m assuming I’ll have a MUGA scan after I’m done, too. I certainly will request it if my onc doesn’t mention it.



Julie-Good to hear you’re comin’ out of the fog. Hope you get your list accomplished, but do listen to your body…conserve your energy for healing.



Dana- Oh Darlin’, have you heard about the power of positive intention/attraction? What you put out into the universe, you get back. Don’t envy the money or harbor the belief that things came easier to others than to you.

If you think and say you’re a victim… then that’s what you attract. If you don’t like where you’re at in life…change it. You are not a victim…you are a survivor!!!! If you haven’t read anything on the power of positive attraction, do so. It really is amazing what a difference attitude can make. You’ve brought into your life the lessons you need to learn…and they are blessings even if they aren’t easy. I know it’s easier said than done, but it starts with the intention to change what you put out. Create for yourself a list or a picture board of everything you really want in your life. Make positive heart felt choices and state them in positive ways. Look at it everyday and say to yourself, I’m willing to change and am open to learn. I deserve to be happy and loved. By the time you graduate in October, you will be so much happier, and I’ll bet grateful your boyfriend put you on notice. Sometimes the universe has to kick us in the butt to wake us up and get us on our rightful path…it’s been hard because it isn’t the right path for you to be with him…but you already knew that. We are here for you, Sweetie.



Lots to catch up...sorry for my long windedness.



Hope treatments are going well for CarolC, LJ13, DianeB, Maz,, CarolC, Tina, AZDonna, and Sista



SIS Kimberly

Kim,

also that is why I am pursuing a career in Medical (Nursing), so I can help the ones that really need the help and appreciate all that I do.  So once I graduate I am moving on with a new life, new attitude, new hair do and new body.  I am starting today actually.  I ordered a book called positive attitude and I put on a nicotine patch.  I wont say wish me luck because luck is no such thing!  Wish me many blessings because I can do it.  Today I will not let anything negative come out of my mouth and no more pity me.  I will leave all this to God and ALLOW HIM TO GUIDE ME.  I do have one thing to say regardless if you have a positive attitude things to happen to positive people rape, murder, diseases, death and etc - but its how you react to them that makes life much more easier.  Because I think about the poor people in Africa starving no food and fiddled with AIDS and not enough people are helping and its not because they are not positive its JUST LIFE.

I am off today to have a POSITIVE DAY AND GODLY DAY.  

Love ya,

Dana 

Hello Jewels!!!

      Dana- i can't believe your boyfriend. He has no feelings what so ever.. Remember one important thing..IT IS HIS LOSS, NOT YOURS!!

       Carol you look awesome!! Everone is sending pictures in the infusian chair with the shirts.. I will make sure I get a picture posted next weekend.

     As for my day, it was ok. Met one of my reps/vendor and he wanted lunch at a chinese buffet...big mistake..didn't eat alot but go diarrea(sp) all afternoon. There goes my streak for good days Feel so BLAH want to go take a shower take the contacts out and call it a day.. bedtime seems to be coming earlier and earlier..I am turning into a "old fart" LOL

       Anyone getting headaches? MIne usually starts in the afternoon. Take some tylenol and then get headaches over night..

         Do the taste buds come back during treatment 1 and 2. Or are they gone till after the last treatment... i will cry if they aren't back soon!!!

      To all of you that have the bald thing going on. You all look FABULOUS, STUNNING & BEUTIFUL... I love seeing all of the photos of everyone, putting faces with screen names. Wouldn't it be great if we all met somewhere after this is all done and a huge reunion!!! I would be their in a heart beatHummmmmmmmmmmmmm?

            Smiles everyone we all love you!!

Dana- You ARE loved, by everyone here. Don't blame yourself too much for picking a chitty boyfriend. You were programmed by having an abusive father. But once you see the connection, you can make better choices. I feel for you. Wish we could give you real hugs along with the virtual kind. Crisis can bring out the best or worst in people. My neighbor had breast cancer years ago and her husband divorced her. My husband floated the idea of divorce in case his insurance doesn't cover all my medical bills, he doesn't want to lose everything. It was an idea I could hardly believe he said out loud, because he has been most supportive through all of this. He also has said stuff he really doesn't mean in the past. I don't think he meant to hurt me, altho it did hurt. But I'm not taking it to heart. You are certainly in my prayers.



Well, Jewels, tx #2 was today, and I asked the nurse to drip my Taxotere slowly like tx #1. She obliged and all went well. My daughter drove me in case I needed Benedryl intervention, but I think I can drive myself next time. I'm getting brief hot flashes, which is odd because I haven't had a period in a year or two. Is chemopause permanent, or just during chemo? I'd thought it was a moot point if you're already post-menopausal. I keep thinking its a fever coming on. It freaks me out to see my pee orange from the Adriamycin. Tomorrow I get my Neulasta shot.



I hope all went well for all of you who got dosed with me today!



Maz

Dana-Stay strong remember you did nothing wrong. You need to think of yourself he seems so unkind and heartless. you deserve better. Keeping you in my prayers

I have been crying more he told me last night when I started to cry he said why are you pouting instead of asking what was wrong..He said if I don't get my way I pout. I said by asking for a hug now and then..He then said I was being MEAN because I was not talking to him. I should have told him I hate for Fridays to come and look forward to Mondays just to be away from him I am happier then.

I sometimes wish I was out on my own. My collage daughters still live at home and commute back and forth the collage. If it were not for them and having his insurance but I don't think I could make in on my salary. I am so glad for you girls that I can Vent here

I can not even have a causal conversation Ex I was telling him of a cute story of a co-workers 3 yrd old granddaughter telling me she is nocturnal she stays  she stays up with the olws His replay was what an  a**hole How crule of him

Maz I told the nurse the same thing last time (to drip it slow)

Vettegal What a great Idea to have a celabration once this is all over with and meet.

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