5 NEW ANGELS

Norm,

I just came across your thread.  Words cannot express how sad I am for you.  I can't imagine in my wildest dreams how you must feel.  I lost my mother 4 yrs ago, and I know how devestating that was, but it is no comparison. Let me just say, that your posts have moved me so.  I have already given up a prayer for you and your wife and children.  I also pray for you to get through everyday, and become stronger with each new day.

I do admire the man that you are.  Your wife was a very lucky lady to have you.  Men like you are not easy to find in this world.  Thank you for being you.

I am so glad that Kimberly and Puppy5 found you right after you posted.  I have read all of the posts here.  I know from reading Kimberly and Puppy's post on other threads that they are such loving caring and helpful and healing ladies.  I believe that you came on here to meet wonderful people like them to help you with your grief.

Kimberly, I wish you all the best as you go through your tx's.  I know you will do well.  You have one of the best outlooks I have seen!  I am finished with all of my tx..and keeping the best outlook, most definitely helped me get through it all.  What are your tx's?  I did well with the Nuelasta, I hope you do too! 

Good idea to eat small meals, and go easy on the spicy.  You sound like me...love it, but...not at this time..haha.  You have a great sense of humor...I am sure the nurses loved it!

I will continue to check in on you Norm, and also to see how you are doing Kimberly.

Much love and hugs!

xoxo

Lisa

Norm,

BRAVO!!!! I knew you would pull through today with tears and joy,and am so glad to hear your fears of Dean and Keenan's parents blaming you was unfounded. I know they are so greatful that you and Brenda were there and loving their kids for as long as you did.



I am also relieved to hear that you've walked through the mine field of blame (not that you won't find yourself visiting there again)...coming out the other side knowing that there was nothing you could have done differently. I too believe everything happens for a reason...and in time that wisdom will become apparent...lessons come when we're ready to handle them...right now healing is your mission.



My3Girls, you posted on the Jan. Jewels the other day, and that's where I post my updates, so check in...we all love the support of all of you who have blazed the trail before us. Thank you also for your kind words about Norm being lucky to have had Puppy5 and I in his corner...I'm feeling pretty lucky to have Norm and Puppy5 in mine.



Day by Day...Moment by Moment...

Your SIS

Kimberly

Norm. Each new hurdle of emotions you've crossed adds strength to your journey. I am so sorry for the additional pain inflicted by the newspaper's callous and inconsiderate thinking. How awful to have yet another reminder in front of you. I'm so sorry that you saw that final image. At some point, perhaps you could write a heart-felt letter to the paper and share your perspective?

We can only wish you well as you sort out the pieces of your broken heart. While you can wish forever to have been there to have somehow averted the accident, of course that wouldn't have changed things. I'm so glad that you'd said your "Love You's" and that you can hold on to that memory. That is such a blessing.

You're in a very tangled up place. Accept yourself for each and every one of your emotions. I believe our Creator is strong enough to hear our every thought and feeling. Rage on. Go ahead and scream.

Life on our Planet Earth is not about fairness. You've gone thru a monstrosity of an experience that demonstrates that. I don't know that there will ever be an answer to make any sense of this tragedy.

I'll be so happy for you when you can begin to ask the question: "now what?"

I'm glad that you've put pictures together to share with others who loved your family. What a kindness. You're a very strong man to have been able to have done that.

You are not alone. We are cheering for you. Sending you our wishes for your journey ahead. Thank you for being kind enough to include us in your pain. May each day begin to restore your sense of trust in all that is good, even if that trust is restored slowly.

Make a list each day of a couple of things that you can find to be grateful for.... that's always been a helpful exercise for me --  in the midst of losing my bearings. Your grandchild's giggle & gleam can be at the top of the list.

Take good care of yourself, in whatever way presents itself.

faithandfifty

Kimberly: I'm so glad to hear you've taken your sparkling sense of humor into the battle. I'm sending you thoughts of healing & wholeness.

Norm. I think I'm confused. I love the fact that you're aware God has a new chapter in mind for you. I love that you don't intend to lose this long, uphill fight. All that sounds so encouraging and optomistic. Full of faith.

The part that fills my heart with concern is the phrase "I'm going to have a bad time and I have to get prepared for it." It sounds like you've taken some pretty dramatic steps: putting the house in your daughter's name and closing down your business????

Norm. Are you working with a grief counselor? Do you have someone skilled at hand who can help you sort thru the day-to-day, as well as the long range. It sounds like you're making some drastic decisions. Listen to your sister's voice of concern, Norm.

None of us have any idea how we'd manage in a situation a fraction of yours. Maybe selling everything and taking a trip around the world is just what the doctor ordered? Or being a missionary in Africa, starting an orphanage for children of AIDS? Or climbing a mountain or two? Or writing a book? Or creating a foundation in honor of your loved ones?  

This world is so desperately in need of worker-bees. People who can rise above their history, their education, their standing and plunge into the world to benefit others. Norm, I see you as one of the givers. Our world needs you to heal and again reach out to others.

May that light you're seeking begin glowing an ever brighter circle.

Hey Norm,

I'm sorry I haven't checked in...man that 1st chemo threw me down for a few days...those little brat cancer cells spiked my chemotini with a Ruffie(sp) or something. Much better today...but, I'm not willing to focus on myself after reading your last posts.



I am just flabbergasted at the callouse (sp) nature of the local paper to print such an image, and totally validate your feelings about that. Like Faithandfifty stated...maybe when you're able...let them know the pain that caused...obviously they didn't think beyond the photo.



I'm glad you've taken care of Brenda's and the kids' things at school, gotten joint credit cards taken care of, and want to help out Sara...I know that feels so good to just get things off the list...but it sounds like you're preparing for more than getting through this...Norm, are you setting up a trust estate for tax purposes? Is that why you want to put the house in your daughter's name? What are you planning on living on without the business? Like FaithandFifty...and your sister...I'm concerned....what are your plans?



PLEASE tell me that you're not going to do anything you can't take back. Some of your phrasings are a bit cryptic and are scaring me..."she doesn't understand that I'm going to (going to what?)......have a bad time (going to?...you are having a bad time and have been),and I have to get prepared for it (for what?)..." and "There is something God has in mind for me,that he hasn't shown me yet,I pray that it will come soon ,or I'll miss it (how can you miss it, if you're here living your life the best you can?)...." If I'm just being a sentimental fool and making more of this than should be made...so be it...but I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't speak up and point out what I think I'm seeing.



Thank you for thinking of me, Norm, as is your way.

Yes, Greg is a Godsend to me...like you, my friend...we met online. Next week will be 9 years from the day we met.



We are here to listen, Norm...keep talking to us.



Day by Day...Moment by Moment, Norm.

SIS Kimberly

Dear Norm,

I lost my beloved and only younger sister under circumstances I won't even describe. It was terrible, and even today -- six years later -- the pain is always with me. I'm afraid that's the way it is. It gets lighter, it gets less constant, one doesn't think about it every second of every day, but it never disappears completely. Instead, it becomes a part of one's being, and in some ways it makes a person stronger.

You will find yourself going through stages of mourning (they are described by Katherin Kubler-Ross at the link below); from your letter, it sounds as though you are in stage II right now. I found the book useful for a cerebral understanding of the mourning process; others I know found it comforting and/or reassuring in other ways.

http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm#elisabeth_kubler-ross_five_stages_of_grief

In addition to an explanation of the stages of grief, you will also find -- at the bottom of the page -- testimonials from others who have suffered unimaginable losses and how they are dealing with their nightmares.

You may also want to read Martin Grey's description of his own double tragic loss in For Those I Loved (ghost written by Max Gallo). The book was also made into a movie with Brigitte Fossey; I believe it has English subtitles. (Some, including Elie Wiesel, have accused Gray of fraud. This claim has not, to be my knowledge, been substantiated so far.)

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1571745270/asiamiexpediofte

I wish there were some way of knowing and understanding why some people seem selected for tragedies and horrors that others can barely imagine. I wish there were words that could magically wipe out that kind of pain, or at least make it less unbearable. Unfortunately, only time can do that. But it will get easier. It will get easier. I promise you.

Hugs,

Annie

Hey Norm,

Thank you for explaining things so I am no longer totally freaking out...I totally understand getting rid of the towing business now...but I'm still not convinced about signing over the house to Sarah...it is not hitting me right. If you can't live there...sell it...use the money to start again...but to give a child...and that is what she's acting like...a house is rewarding her for something she hasn't earned.



See if you can contact the attorney...most legal documents have a clause that allows you to change your mind within a short amount of time... so don't wait...you just did this on Friday... Take the house out of her name. Is she going to pay the mortgage if it's 'her house'? I doubt it!!!!



Please think about changing at least that part of things...if you feel like you need to help her out...teach her the tough lessons by setting boundaries...nothing in life is free except love...and love doesn't demand a free ride.



I know you're tired and don't want to deal with the conflict...and I know she'll throw Leah in your face to make you feel guilty...but don't let her. Give her enough if you can to set up an apt. Give her a few months to get her act together, show her how to budget, and then tell her, she's got to do this on her own if she's going to become a responsible adult, which is what Leah needs in her life. Then cut her off financially, so she can do what we all had to do...learn to struggle and then get it right. You can be there for Leah...but making life easy for Sarah will only hurt them both in the long run. If Brenda wanted her out of the house...then that's what Brenda knew to be the right thing.



OK, I'm done with my rant. It just drives me crazy when kids lash out at their parents because they don't know how to deal with their choices in life. Here you are...having gone through a terrible tragedy and having to deal with the aftermath, and all she can think about is herself. Too many kids feel so entitled to be treated as if they have no responsibilities to contribute to the family...and without tough love and boundaries...the pattern will continue.



Today is even better than yesterday as far as feeling more normal. Yeah!!!!



Take care of yourself, Norm.

SIS KImberly

Hey Puppy- I haven't thought of it that way...but you're right! Thanks! (((((HUGS)))))



And Norm, please know that my rant above is only because I want what is best for you...like I have any right to even express what you should do...I know we all have lessons in this life...and this one is maybe both yours and Sara's, and I have no business interfering with your choices. I will endeavour to remember this lesson...it is one I need to learn.



SIS Kimberly

Hey Norm,



I understand your need to just let your kids do what they need to do with the tools they have been given. They are adults now, and it is up to them to make their choices. We've all made mistakes with our kids...they don't come with instructions, so we can only do the best we can with the tools we've got.



I understand wanting to know that Sara and Leah are in a safe place will put you at ease...that's what is important... that you feel at ease. I'm glad to hear Sara is a good mom to Leah...not involved with drugs or alcohol...just young and needing to mature...like all of us at one point.



Taking care of yourself is the #1 top Priority...and quitting smoking is the first step! Moving through your grief will be ongoing for awhile, and sometimes it just helps to talk...to people like us. Now, I was a counselor for awhile...and believe me....it wasn't about the money...which wasn't much at all...it really was about my clients. I'd still be doing it if I could have made a living. Insurance gets in the way, too. You have to give someone a diagnosis and then you get 12 visits to 'cure' them. Oh please...how do you give someone a clinical diagnosis for grief? Anyway, often churches have grief groups that don't cost anything...and of course there are books and websites as someone suggested in an earlier post....there's no one right way to deal with this...the fact that you're putting one foot in front of the other is all you can do right now...and that's pretty huge.



I wrote a poem about the side effects of chemo...it's kind of funny, so maybe a little laugh will perk you up.





The Side Effects Circus 1/15/08



Ok, you’ve all been there.

You know what I mean

that morbid curiosity,

that little part of you

that wants to see the freak show

even though you know it isn’t polite

to look…let alone stare?

Well, have you been to the

Side Effects Circus lately?



Ladies and Gentleman,

people of all ages,

welcome to the only show on Earth

that will gladly exploit misery

and encourage you to watch…applaud even.

But more importantly…to laugh!



In this ring, with her posse of Pugs,

our very own juggler, Mucus Maiden.

She’s a veritable contradiction.

Her nose runs

and yet is so dry it bleeds.

Her eyes water,

and yet she needs eye drops to keep them moist.

Her mouth and throat

are filled with sores

(and…well…there is no opposite of that).

Notice her tool belt, and how deftly she manages

everything she needs with flawless effort?

Let’s ooohh and aaahhh everyone.

She’s sponsored by Kleenex, the makers of

saline nose spray and eye drops,

Blistex, and Biotene.



Overhead, on the flying trapeze,

Our Dame of Digestive Distress.

Look at her pale complexion

and how it morphs into a lovely

shade of green when she’s nauseous.

If you haven’t put on your rain poncho,

you may want to do that now.

You never know when she’s going to blow.

Be glad she’s overhead,

she’s so bloated from constipation

and the build up of gas,

she’s being studied

as an alternative energy source.

Give her a round of applause.

She’s sponsored by Colace, Gas Ex, Preparation H,

the makers of Compazine, and Pepcid AC.



Performing with the clowns,

our Ambassador of Annoying.

Her skin itches

and has become so dry,

she looks to be aging before our very eyes.

Her nails are brittle and discolored, and

her taste buds have left her in a state of blah.

But there is good news…

there is a rumor that she will be the spokesperson

(make up and soft focus lighting can do wonders)

for what advertisers are calling the next diet craze…

The Chemo Diet.

Isn’t she a site to behold?

She’s sponsored by Gold Bond lotion, Bare Minerals,

and the manicurist’s and pedicurist’s union #356.



And now…

The one you’ve all been waiting for…

Our main attraction in the center ring

riding the elephant,

our very own Heiress of Hair Loss.

Notice her bald head…isn’t it great?

There isn’t a hair on her head,

or anywhere else for that matter.

Smooth as a baby’s butt.

She’s been known to drop handfuls of hair,

like Hansel and Gretal dropping bread crumbs.

What is most amazing about her

is the fact that she’s a master of disguise…

we never know who will appear

from her dressing room after the show.

And can she tie a scarf…

like a Navy Seaman can tie knots!

Give it up for our Bald Beauty everyone.

She’s sponsored by the makers of DustBuster

and Draino, the Wig Makers Association,

and Scarves Are Us.





Thank you all so much for coming in today

to see the amazing Side Effects Circus.

Please stop by our gift shop on the way out

to sample all of our sponsors’ products

and to get a closer look and maybe an autograph

from all of our amazing circus performers.



SIS Kimberly



PS-Thanks for being there for me, Norm.

Norm, I am just so deeply sorry.  I lost my Dad unexpectedly on November 15th (just before Thanksgiving).  I know it is so horrible and difficult to lose the one(s) you love at any time. 

Please know that I have you in my prayers. 
Love and prayers, Deb

I totally agree with Puppy. You will make it. No doubt in my mind!!!! Glad putting up the crosses and talking to Brenda and the kids brought you some peace.







SIS KImberly

I'm hoping that your not checking in means you're doing something to assist you in your journey of healing. Moving maybe? How's your resolution to quit smoking going?



My hair is having its own little caucus (reference to the US election process) deciding which will leap out first - the grey or the dark ash blond. I'm kind of looking forward to being bald...just think of the time I'll save getting ready in the morning. ;-) I did go pick out a wig to wear for occasions that might be more suited to having hair, but think I'll just do the bald thing most of the time.



Take care. I'm thinking of you.



SIS Kimberly

norm,

i wish i knew what to say.

i am so sorry.

you are in my prayers. 

Norm: sending you prayers of support to start the day. Sounds like you've been taking each new step as it presents itself: the only thing possible. I'm so glad that you have pictures to remind you of what a terrific life you had together. Savor the memories that they rekindle.

Kimberly: prayers for your continued journey.

Puppy: you too!!