BC Husbands and Boyfriends Hangout

Hey guys,

Wow, try to find support for breast cancer husbands. Yes I read the book, a must read for us men, sorry no pictures though. It takes you step by step and is a wonderful, informative book. It is also brutally honest, it brings you up and slaps you down with varying emotions, from outright laughter to sobbing.

My wife was diagnosed with LCIS stage zero. She has opted to go for the bi-lateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Her surgery at Sloan is Nov 20th, next week. Wish me luck.

Hi, I can ease your mind that decreased libdo is truly a normal response.

Not only that but the psychological aspects of this diagnosis are really profound.  That can add to loss of self esteem and poor body image. 

Take it slow and let her know you want to cuddle, and that she doesn't have to do more.  Right now I'd bet she'd really appreciate that.

Other than that, lots of guys just "handle" it themselves.

Please do know that it can return.

There's a great thread on the moving beyond board "I want my mojo back".   It can be very  enlightening to you guys.

I think I can speak for many to let you know that this loss is a loss to her as well as you.

Hey Jim. I'm right there in the same situation. Allot of women (and men) really don't feel open to discussing this issue but it is a big issue with BC treatment. You're right about bringing it up. I can hear the reaction now,"Here I am with breast cancer and allyou can think about is sex!" Well that's not exactly true. Sex is a big partof the relationship and once it's gone you just can't ignore it. I don't have any answers for you other than to just say that you are not alone.

hello Greg.Im a husband and father of a lady i truly loved and always will she came to this chat rooms as   Beautiful_Moma little over a year ago,but im sadend to say she is no longer with us as she passed Nov/12/2006 to this horrable disease. i am glad there are men out there that stand and stood by there loved one's as you and i have. you battle has gone longer than mine.it was a long 6 month battle we fought, but a battle worth fighting for.cheryl my wife was only 33 and gave me 2 wonderful young men 8 & 12 now.but her memmorie will always live each and every time i look into my babyies eye's i will always see her.i think it is a good thing you are doing.your a good soul and you should feel good about yourself.it's been just over a year now and somtimes for me it seams to be getting harder & harder to deal with,but i can still feel her presents near me each and every day...my thoughts and prayers go out to you friend may God Bless you with the strength to keep up the fight and be by your loved one as you are truly blessed         sincerly   "Mr_Mom"

Hi Jason, tell your son.  This is not a social disease.  He will be much more frightened by what he DOES NOT hear than by your honesty with him, of course modified to his age.

But you and your wife sit down with him, or even in the car, and say the word "cancer".  He will overhear phone calls, see evidence of tears, even sadness.  They are like tiny antennas, nothing gets past them and they will imagine things much worse than they are.

So sit down and say, mama has breast cancer, we expect her to fully recover.  She may be tired a lot and may even cry, her hair may fall out,  but that is the drugs that are given to kill the cancer.  This is a family challenge, we need you to: take more care of the pets (food, etc.), help fold clothes, make your bed, take out the trash, and TOGETHER, as a strong family, this will all be just fine.

Now, this is necessary mainly because this nasty battle is so long.  He will imagine things (from over-hearing phone calls, people who stop talking when he bursts in the room, silence.) He needs to feel a part of the solution, not an ornament in this family.  I strongly believe in this.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann 

Today is my first venture into this site. My wife and I learned Dec 20 that she has mets in the spine and in the soft tissue. She is 2.5 yrs out from the first bout which she fought and survived alone.

I am scared, but I know that I will be there at every turn.

Will be at this site for guidance and support --alot.

thebigsky,(Dorel, Indianapolis) 

What do I do when she wont talk to me??

our communication was great before this all started and now i want to be supportive and help in any way I can but she doesnt tell me anything now.

This is a very serious question. What can I do? keep silent about any emotions I have? Try to comfort or just talk about anything she brings up....ignore the issue (the cancer) ?? I really want to help but I feel helpless right now, hope that doesnt sound selfish, I just want to help.

I also find myself  being angry alot and dont know what to do about it. I dont feel comfortable going to support groups where anyone around town will know whats going on with you.

anybody?? any comments from bc patients that went through this would be greatly appreciated, I just dont know what to do. I dont know what bc patients feel , i have read a few stories but I want to hear from a few more. She is so distant now, she rarely talks to me, is it really that common for bc patients after treatment??

And as far as your anger, please ck out counseling esp. if she's going to a cancer center.  they will have social workers or psychologists on staff who can help a great deal with this very normal reaction.

I was angry for at least 3 years!  But not all the time.  I do know the feeling tho.

Another approach: copy off your post and read it to her, or leave it on her pillow. 

a hug a day is a good thing, too, for you both.  Just hopefully let her know that you want to BE THERE and listen, NOT fix things, for you surely cannot fix cancer.  And if she does begin to talk, don't brush off her fears, they are real and very deep.  too many people keep saying it's all gonna be ok and I've yet to hear a newly diagnosed woman or man believe that. 

Hi guys, there is a lot of anger and feelings that your body has let you down. This is silly, but we are all human. I think the anger is closely associated with fear. But anger is easier to deal with than fear, so there you go.



The suggestion to go to counseling is VITAL. Everyone should, the whole family. This nasty journey is so long and so hard, it just drains everyone. But if she won't, you need to go. Ask what to do and say. There are people who specialize in helping people deal with diseases, and this is who you need. Someone who has had experience in the field of bad, bad diagnoses.



So keep posting, there is always someone around.



God bless you, Shirlann

Hi dredma, so sorry about your gf.  This will be a rough time for her. And you.  If you'll read more of these threads you'll see you are not alone about wanting to be helpful and trying to determine "what do I do?".

there's a great book "the breast cancer husband" that can off you a lot of insight and explainations of what's happening and how you can support her.

Please come back and we'll help as much as possible.  Also, please let your gf know about this site.  It's about the best on the net with support and up to date information.

Hugs to you and to her.  Hang in there and LISTEN to her, knowing that you cannot "fix" cancer.

See if you can find a Guilda's Club in your area.  they have a lot to offer.

The exhaustion can go on for months!  Just because the treatments are over doesn't mean she' thru.  Many of us, just when treatment ends, actually begin to wrap our heads around the fact that we've had bc and will face the rest of our lives wondering if it will come back.

sometimes the end of treatment is when we finally "let go" and disolve in a puddle.  We then have time to mentally address all the fears and concerns that we've pushed to the back of our minds in the effort to focus on treatment.  It can be a very rough time.

May I suggest: instead of just calls -- write letters!  At least once a week and more often if possible.  It's amazing what we can say in a letter that we can't over the phone or email.  Letters are precious things, might give that a try.

Didn't seem to be a lot on here having to do with sons/daughters of mothers with breast cancer. Got a call today from my dad- said that mom has breast cancer (not a big surprise) and that it was supposedly in stage III or IV (something of a surprise). Now all I've done is sit at this damned 'puter to learn what I can. Think I'm gonna be cross-eyed by tomorrow.

So it has been 5 weeks now.....since she and I last spoke....

I dont know what to do.....I currenntly dont have a way to contact her, besides email and it doesnt seem she has been online at all. Part of me doesnt understand and the other part tries to understand why she would just leave me in the dark and it feels very cruel.

Okay, I'm new to this group. I just finished chemo 3 weeks ago (another woman butting in...), but I do have a question for the men if any are still on this thread.

I know some of you have had concerns about the loss of libido in your SO, but what about how you feel toward her? Have any of you had trouble wanting intimacy once she lost her hair, eyebrows, skin color, energy, nails, or whatever? My SO seemed to have lost interest about mid treatment. Said he still wanted to be friends, and would not admit to having lost interest. We had a very healthy sex life and I really didn't lose my mojo significantly. But he hasn't approached me in two months in spite of my letting him know I was still very interested! This is hard to talk about and a hard question to ask, but I just have to know. Is treatment really a turnoff for some of you? I mean I wouldn't blame you, I guess. I just need to know from a guys point of view.

Thanks, Jessee 

Thanks for the bump Hollyann.

 It looks like most men who are on this site don't stay on very long.  I looked at the profiles of most of the men who atarted and they posted a couple times and were gone.  I think the lifespan of a man on this topic is very brief when compared to the woman.

 I for one know that it goes in stages (diagnosis, prep, surgery, recovery reconstruction, radiation, chemo, etc) and now that my wife is in her post-trials I am less involved in her daily care.  That said it is good for those men to participate as this topic is an important one although the resources are not readily available when they should be.

Erik (route53)

http://route53.wordpress.com