Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

I had a hairy few days…last day of the semester was Thursday, and we had a (belated) birthday party for Owen on Saturday.  I just finished grading the last of my papers and submitted my grades, so this is the first chance I have had to check in.  ARGH I am waaaaaay behind.  I am going to try and respond as I read…so pardon me if I repeat things that have already been said!

Oh Joni I am so sorry to hear that you have progression.  I am glad that you have a plan in place, and your Onc seems really on the ball.  You have all of our hands firmly holding yours!  Humongous HUGS to you from Edison.

Mel, I totally can empathize with your feelings of being overwhelmed and put  upon.  I agree that it is very frustrating to have the world expect you to be back at full capacity just because treatment is formally over…when the reality is that we are still really recovering…and the wounds to the spirit can slow us down as much as the wounds to the physical body.  Just wrote a whole thing about perhaps trying an antidepressant, then I just read you are taking Lexapro. I wish it were helping you more…I do think you need to cut yourself a bit of slack.  The life of a nurse is a rigorous one that many people can not handle even when they are at their physical peak.  I am sure your energy will come back.  I know that when I was at the start of my journey, I was hugged by many BC survivor nurses…and they were all energetic and vital.  You will be too…..and you will hug those scared women when they come through the door as well.

Caya I am glad that you are feeling better and the pain is going away.  I think sometimes it can be surprising how much damage/lingering pain taking a spill can leave us with,

Sharon, LOL about your doggies doin’ the dance….so funny.  I like your fishbowl analogy.

Tina YECK “Almighty positive attitude indeed”  It is one thing to be positive, but it hardly heals all ills.  I swear sometimes I want to slap people that stay stupid things like that.  Of course they never think of the implied other side which is that you must have had a NEGATIVE attitude at some point or you would not have gotten cancer in the first place…translation: You gave it to yourself you bundle of negative energy, you.  Sigh.  Glad you are feeling stronger!  Hannah Montana in concert?  You lucky dog!  My girls are drooling with envy.  She makes me tired just looking at her!

Amera, I am glad the meds are helping.  There is nothing more miserable than that horrible emotional rollercoaster.  I hated even being in the same room with myself when I got like that.   I have never heard of taking prozac two weeks on, two weeks off like that.  That stuff takes at least 2-3 weeks to get to therapeutic levels in your system, so I am not sure of the rationale.  You might consider getting a second opinion on the dosing, perhaps from your GP instead of your GYN.  I think it will work better for you if you take it all the time….I did when I took it for PMS years ago and it was a godsend.

Congrats to you Viddie on your daughter’s acceptance to the nurse practitioner program.  It is nice to know that she has at least one place to go!  Hopefully she will get to take her pick…I will keep my fingers crossed for her.

OMG Cindy…OPEN WIDE?!?  You kill me.  That is so funny

Mary I am glad that your SIL is doing well.

Skye, the dress is chocolate brown.  I am going for a second fitting next Friday, and my friend is going to come along, so I will try to get her to snap a pic.  The wedding is sneaking up faaaast…..Jan 4 is right around the corner!

We did not get snowed in here in NJ, but we did get a hairy Nor’Easter last night…hail, slushy rain and high winds.  This after a nasty ice storm a few days ago that left all the twigs on the trees crystallized in ice.  Not a pretty sight. Ok, so maybe it WAS pretty....but only from my living room window.  From the driver seat of my car it was dreadful!

Happy birthday Tina!  You are so right that each day is precious now.  It is both a gift and a curse to be so aware of your mortality.  Do something special.

Geez….I had stuff to post about, but I better get this up there!  I will try to check back later, or in the AM to update you on doings here in sunny Edison!

I love you all…….and I missed you guys these last few days that I could not get to my computer.  Well, I have a month off now, so by the end of it you will all be sick of me (tee hee)

Jan - I hadn't thought about doing anything on Tuesday - Amanda (my older DD) has her last term final that day and will be coming home that night - so it will be nice to have the four of us together.

It's funny - I look at the calendar and see the date and this kind of blank feeling comes over me - like I still can't quite believe it.

Of course one look in the mirror (short hair, lopsided chest) and I remember - quick...

Do they really believe that no one with a positive attitude ever died from cancer? Do they think that if those who have "lost" their "fight" with cancer did so because they didn't try hard enough or stay positive enough?

LOL, Jan!

Thanks for the b'day wishes, all.  Went to dinner at a local place.  Was looking forward to prime rib (craving red meat) and after being seated, no one approached our table for 25 minutes and we were then told no prime rib.  Only one steak avl. for that matter.  Forced to eat pulled chicken, which was good, but not what I was in the mood for.  They forgot the DH's potato and brought the appetizer AFTER dinner.  Chicken wings for dessert!  Yum!  They offered free dessert for all the mistakes, which was nice and we all had delicious chocolate cake.  I rarely, if ever, order dessert.  Too full, usually.

Jan, I am glad you are climbing. It would scare me, but I admire you!

Viddie, I was whining b/c it was 60 here in San Diego yesterday.  And you were shoveling snow!

Tina, when will you know about meds, etc, for your heart?

I had a full fledged panic attack last night. I had just finished knitting a scarf for my daughter (promised it last xmas, oops, got sidetracked with bc). I was gazing at the tree and the fire in the fireplace, and absolutely panicked. It brought back last Dec, sleeping in the recliner in front of the fireplace .... recovering from surgery, waiting for path report, terrified. I occasionally get panic attacks, but this one was unexpected and very upsetting. I love xmas trees, love fires, sure hope I don't get frantic everytime I look at them. We have come a long way in a year, but like I said before, it is still pretty raw for me.

Have a good day all.  Rebecca, give Owen a bday hug from all of us. Your funny little boy.

Melia

Yay Skye!  Today is GrendelDay.  Wow you guys must be so excited…of course the fact that you “nested” and made him a room really gave it away…. Can not wait to hear about it later.

Melia, I am sorry to hear about your panic attack, particularly since it was associated with things that you love so much.  I think that if you try to relax and enjoy THIS holiday season, these new memories will replace the scary ones from last year.  After all, last year was only one year (no matter how formative it may have been) you have many OTHER wonderful holiday memories from before it, and there are many years in front of you waiting to BECOME happy holiday memories.

Jan, you would have been so proud…we took the girls to Dicks Sporting Goods over the weekend, and they decided to try climbing their indoor wall.  I am not sure how high it is, but BOTH of them made it all the way to the top and rang the bell!  It was really awesome…made me want to try, but I do not think I have the upper body strength.

Speaking of cancerversaries….my Dx anniversary passed almost without me noticing it, which I guess is a good thing.  The Mastectomy anniversary is this Saturday.  I am not looking forward to that one.  I list that day as the darkest day of my life…I have never cried so much as I did in the days immediately before and immediately after 12/22/2006.  I became so emotional and distraught while they were admitting me that they had to sedate me.  I almost wish that the 22^nd would be during the week, it would be easier to let it slide by with the distractions of my normal life.

Well, just in time for my winter vacation to start, my lovely daughter Frances has shared her cold with me.  I have BEGGED her not to drink from my water bottle, but she finds it absolutely irresistible.  My head is so clogged up my eyes feel like they are bugging out of my head, and my ears are completely full….my head is pounding all the way down my throat……GACK!  I hate being sick.  I think I am going to take a shower (being very careful to use EVERY DROP of hot water in the tank) and then make myself a cup of tea.  Then I think I will use the rest of the Dye from Owen’s party and tie dye his underwear for him….that should make me feel better!  Oh, and in gratitude for sharing her cold with me, I think that Miss Frances gets bread and water for dinner tonight!

Rebecca, thanks for the wise and calming words. I have worked myself into quite a state .... too much to do at work, have to take dh's truck back to the repair shop for the fourth time in two weeks, crown tomorrow, lots of last minute xmas stuff. I need to take a deep breath, be grateful for what I have, and stop whining.

Joni, I am sorry you had a bad night Sat. All of this is just not fair. I look at your stats; only 1 node, why did it spread?  I wish I had the power to help you. I am thinking of you daily, and you are in my prayers. I am sorry you have to go thru the mri right before the holidays. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long for answers.

Hugs to all,

Melia

Hi everyone,

Joni, it's about a year ago that we starting emailing each other, please know that we are all with you in every way we can be.  I have heard of IV's in the foot.  I think they did that on someone when I was getting chemo.  Just another place to find a vein.  Last week it took the anesthesiologist 3 tries to get the IV in me..it was awful.  That one went bad and they had to put a new one in on Wednesday.  I told the nurse how much trouble they had so she called the IV nurse.  I'm not sure if she was a phlebotomist (sp?) or what, but she was amazing, just swooped into the room, got the vein on the first try, it didn't even hurt! Do you get your MRI at the hospital?  Do they have nurses that strictly do IV's? Anyway, big hugs to you my friend!

Thanks for all the cards ladies, they are wonderful!

Skye, congrats on finally getting Grendal...we're waiting for an update!

Rebecca, bummer man! I hate getting sick from my kids..it's like you already know what you're in for and most of the time it really sucks!  I pounded vitamin C for a month before my surgery and even though I was around tons of sick people, I never got sick.

Viddie, thanks for the lovely email, I haven't been ignoring you, just can't focus too long on the computer and by the time I catch up on everything, I'm not up to posting or emailing.

Jan, are you getting a bilateral or unilateral DIEP?

One thing that brought me back to a year ago are these awful drains...YUCK! I have 4 of them and hate them.  The skin around the 2 at my hips is so tender and giving me so much pain. 

Other than that, I'm doing ok.  DIEP is one tough surgery.  The 2 days after surgery were the hardest...I was running a fever and had very low blood pressure and the worst headache of my life...not a good combination.  My PS promised me I'd start to feel better on Thurday and he was right. 

I do feel whole again!!! I really really hated having only one breast and now I have 2.  I'm so not used to having a right breast that I keep forgetting that it's there and my arm brushes it...I smile!   I feel blessed that I live at a time where I can get this surgery.  I am already psyched about wearing my summer tops and a regular bathing suit!  I have a long road before then, but hey, something to look forward to.

Jan, one thing I have to say is make sure you have help at the hospital and at home.  George stayed right down the street all week.  While the nurses were great, they are really busy. George was there all week to help me with whatever I needed.  Also, after getting home, I CAN get up by myself, but it sure is easier with help.  He strips/empties my drains, keeps track of all my meds (I have tons of them), makes my meals and just about anything I need.  Thank goodness for George!

I just ordered George the Red Sox Nation Monster Membership for 2008.  Tons of stuff plus guaranteed purchase of 2 seats on the Green Monster!  Whew, I'm so glad I got it before they sold out.

I'm not able to respond to everyone, know that I love you all!

love and hugs,

Lynn

Sorry that last post is all run together. I had put in spacers but when the post went up they disappeared!

Rebecca - So sorry you are sick!

Skye - oh, my that is one very cute puppy. I am glad he is enjoying his new home - he certainly found a good one. He's going to bring you so much joy. Here's hoping he doesn't keep you up all night!

Lynn- my DIEP is unilateral. I'm alternately excited and terrified as the date approaches. My drain site from the mastectomy a year ago still feels funny. I dread those @#$# drains. But, I am smiling from ear to ear reading your post - I think it's the thought of being able to wear summer tops and a baithing suit again that most appeals to me.

My mom is going to keep the kids for a week so that DH can stay with me. He has a hotel room nearby and I know from my surgeries last year that he'll be right there taking good care of me. We have to stay in Charleston for 10 days post surgery - I dread recovery in a hotel room. But we have a suite with a little kitchen, so I guess it will work OK.

Joni - your friend's daughter will love Enchanted and I bet you will too. I love those Disney fairy tales. (Although I'm still annoyed that they changed the ending to the little mermaid).

Rebecca - the wall at Dick's here is pretty high, maybe about 20 feet? I bet they did have fun. You really don't need upper body strength at all for the beginner stuff. You can use your legs to push with instead. I started back right after chemo with absolutely no strength anywhere and was still able to do the easy routes. You'd probably be very suprised at how well you would do. I've found that it's really helped my flexibility and range of motion. I hate that I'm going to loose all that I've gained by having the DIEP. I'll have to start all over. 

Tomorrow's the mastectomy anniversary - Rebecca my surgery day was much like yours minus the extra sedation (which I asked for but apparently I wasn't cyring enough). I'll be glad when this year is over. 

Welcome home Grendel! You sure are precious. Skye, had to give Lizzie a hug after seeing Grendel. Love those Lhasa's!

Lynn, glad you are feeling better. That second day after surgery sounded grueling!

I see my BS tomorrow, I hope for some answers on the LE.

I caught a cold yesterday and right now it is getting worse by the minute. If I keep on sneezing like this, I'll need some Depends. OY!!

Rebecca, you make me chuckle. I dreaded my kids going back to school, it was another 9 months of passing the creeping crud back and forth, every year without fail!

Skye, Grendel is just so cute that I was ready to jump through my computer screen and cuddle him.  When the picture came up on my screen, you should have heard the chorus of "AWWWWWW" from my daughters.

Lynn it is great to hear from you, I am glad you are healing!  Bathing suit HOOOOOOOOOO.  I think I will either have to suck up looking like Pamela Anderson on one side or I will have to get a bathing suit with a high neck.

Nancy I hope that you get some answers about the LE...keep us posted.  Did you ever make an appointment with that specialist in your area?

Jan I am so excited for you and your DIEP!  It really is coming fast.  I think that the next time we go to Dicks I may try the wall...just hope I do not embarrass myself.  I can not beleive that they denied you sedation on your surgery day.  That is just awful.  I did not even know to ask for it...they just came and just about jammed the valium down my throat.  I spent the rest of the wait floating and making stupid jokes (until they started wheeling me towards the OR, when I started to cry again).  The nurse told DH that I was completely stoned.  I think it should be standard procedure, and if you are in the slightest bit of distress you should get some of that stuff....it doesnt harm anything, and one dose is hardly going to addict you!  UGH...I am just appalled at the insensitivity....I keep flashing to Tina's story of not even having a bed after her SNB and standing in the hallway weeping.  SHUDDER.  Ok, I will stop now.  Your next surgery will not be so awful...I bet they wheel you into the OR with an angelic smile on your face.

 Joni BIG HUGS!!!!  I know it is hard, but try to enjoy the festivities.  Remember that BC is chronic, and it has ups and downs.  Right now is a down...but you still have a lot of up ahead of you.  That sounds fun to have a midget in your house for a few days....I think it is just what the Dr ordered.  There is no better balm than a laughing child...or a silly disney movie (which usually LEADS to a laughing child).

Well Owen had a great time at his party this Saturday...we had about 5 of his little friends, including this one little girl Makayla who just adores him.  She is a funny little girl...beautiful with white blonde hair and big blue eyes. The best part is that for all her classical beauty, she is always a bit disheveled, and it is not because of any lapse on the part of her mom....she just plays hard.  She and Owen have been close for about two years now.  Well anyway, she helped her mom pick out Owen's present, and because she knew that he was going to love it could not wait for him to open it.  She spent the whole beginning of the party coming up to me and asking when we were going to open presents.  She was totally on target with her present choice, too....she got him an Optimus Prime helmet, which he LOVES....unfortunately it is not something that you need two of, so I had to pull a fast one and whisk away the new helmet, and bring out his old one  so that she could see him wear it.  I am glad that I took the time before the party to coach Owen on what to say if he got something that he already had.  He dutifully said "Thank you Makayla, I love it!" before turning to me and whispering "I already have one of these mommy"

Heya Tina and everyone else...have a great day! 

Rebecca - I can picture Owen opening that gift and reciting his rehearsed line. That pre-party talk has saved us several times too. What a great story.

Tina - It's 11:00 and you are at your onc. -yup, it should be very interesting to see what he has to say.  Keep us posted.  And don't overdo it, kiddo. 

Skye - that Grendel is adorable - and I am not a big animal lover.  How big will he get?  That's part of my problem - when they're little and cute, I don't mind them.

Rebecca - you could publish a book just on "The Adventures of Owen."  He handled the helmet issue very well as trained by his very wonderful mommy.

Cindy - I used to take dance lessons years ago when I was a kid/teenager, along with voice and drama lessons.  As a result I was in every high school musical and once even got a big lead part in my hometown's theatre group - Enjoy.

Lynn-  you sound great, and enjoy that boob. It's great that George was able to be right there with you. 

Melia - sorry about your panic attack -I had a few myself this year.  It'a amazing what will trigger it.  Just like Amera walking into that 7-11 and feeling nauseous.  But focus on the fact that you are one year out now, the worst is behind you.

Joni - glad your scan was moved up.  I am praying for a good result for you.  And definitely ask your dr. for anxiety meds - you will be amazed at the difference in your mood.

I've been feeling pretty good, still have the odd aches and pains from the fall/bump into the bannister, but all in all improving.  Today I'm going to make some more choc. chip cookies - Cassie had a few kids over the other night (they're all home from college now for the Xmas break) and the boys devoured the last batch I had in the freezer.

Amanda is coming home tonight, and then both of my DDs are flying down to Florida on Friday for 10 days to stay with my mom and stepfather.  I am so glad they are going - they were supposed to go last year but of course my mom ended coming up here for my mastectomy, which was a year ago today. (jan's too)

Have a great day everyone

Hello, back from Breast surgeon visit. She has written me a referral to see a lymph edema specialist.  I also have been having pain on my right side ( the cancer side) and looks like some muscles have attached themselves to my ribs. I think the moral of my story is, hit the gym. I need to exercise more.

Took the Lhasa and Yorkie to the groomer before my Dr. appt. Lizzie has been leaving "tumbleweeds" on the carpet. My bad though, it was Sept. since the last groom. 

Skye, I hope Grendel keeps his colors. The first time I took Liz to the groomer, I wasn't sure I got the same dog back. She was totally different. I knew it was her though, she has 1 white nail and the rest are black. That's how I know.

My root canal is going to cost 775.00 tomorrow, so for Christmas I got a washing machine and a root canal! I told Jeff how much it was going to cost and I got dead silence. Ya know what though.... just as I suspected, my BS also told me chemo does a number on your teeth. I think medical ins. should cover fixing teeth due to chemo treatment, but that won't happen. Ever feel like for every step forward, you fall ten back? I guess I just feel whipped.

I am so stuffy, my jaw aches just from having to breathe through my mouth. Tomorrow in the chair should be interesting.

Tina - glad your appointment went well and was reassuring. Miami - I love that city! Let us know how the cardiologist appointment goes.

DH is out late with his MBA classmates. My goal is to get the kids in bed and join the chat tonight!