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  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited March 2008



    Just let the tears flow, Sue.



    You manage a big load and then some.



    I'm sorry, I know it's hard on chemo.



    You'll stay with your boys, Sue, and all the friends you have made.



    That chemo is kicking that bootface butt!



    Tender

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    I am so so so sad.... I am the saddest I have been in all my life..I am going to give the boys life time pain ....and it will be me who hurts them .. how can I hurt them if I love them so much.

    God this is the worst part of the treatment.

    Tender ... I understand ... I truly do... I am holding on tonight..

    WHY IS LIFE SO CRUEL. I don't care about anything but David and Daniel..They do not deserve any horror like this stupid illness

    I am going to say goodnight to Dave and hold on to him for a reality check...

  • Lucy1234
    Lucy1234 Member Posts: 289
    edited December 2007

    Sue you sound just like my aunty and my nan when they were going through chemo.



    My nan died of a stroke five years ago (3 years clear of cancer) and my aunty is now 10 years clear!



    This is a shit time but it WILL pass. Everyone will die unless you have found the fountain of eternal youth.



    You have a long time to go and you are properly going through the hardest time now! Now your boys are not going to have a lifetime of pain they are very lucky to have you and they will continue to have you!



    This WILL GET BETTER. Cry if you need to scream if you need to but don't despair because this is the begining and millions of people before you have been through this and are FINE NOW. As you will be.



    Sending all the love, hugs and kisses I have



    Poppy

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    Poppy thankyou so much...your words mean everything ... and your aunty and nan...thankyou I really needed this...I will try and hold on...these meltdowns are unbearable...Just got to make it til the end of May.... 

    Thankyou so much xxx

  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited December 2007

    WOW!! Checking in after not being around awhile and I can see the emotions are all over the place.

    SUE- LISTEN TO AUNTY EM - You are not going to die - You will be around to see those boys of yours start dating, marry and have kids of their own.  Just be kind to their wives, OK???  Nothing worse then a doting MIL!!! LOL.

    Have some more chips with gravy, matter of fact, pass some around, I would love some!!!

    Hugs,

    Valerie

  • honeygirl
    honeygirl Member Posts: 1,718
    edited December 2007
    Hi SueSmile! I'm so sorry. This is sooo hard. Try to take some deep breaths. I know my son is 24 , and on his own. But I do know how you feel. We feel no one can love our kids or take care of them like "mom" does. And the love we feel in our hearts for them is unmeasurable. When Adam was a baby , I found a lump in my breast. I was 26. That was the longest weekend of my life. I couldn't see the doc until Monday. The fear of leaving my son was horriflying. On Monday , the doc said I was fine. No lump. But the damage I did to myself emotionally was tremendous. I started thinking about death and dying all the time. I made a list of my daily routine with Adam , just in case. I started having horrible anxiety attacks daily. About a year or two later , I finally seeked professional help. I found an understanding doc , and was put on xanax. It upsets me now to think I had put two years of my focus on dying , and not my son. Fear is a treturous and horrible thing. It can get ahold of you and debiletate you. You have every right to be fearful Sue , just don't let it take control of your life. I was afraid it would take me over with my diagnosis. But , I hand everything over to God , and I do something life affirming. My son calms me. So I call him or go see him. Or I call my mom. I'm sorry , didn't me to ramble on. Your not dying right now Sue. Your fighting. Try not to look ahead into the fearful unknown. Get some life affirming hugs from those two wonderful sons of yours.xxxx Love ya sister, Melody
  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited December 2007

    Hey darlin', you are not GOING ANYWHERE! I PROMISE!!!! You are going to get well and grow old, and drive your boys crazy. This is a given. You have every reason to expect to recover completely, and believe this or not, this whole miserable year will just be a nasty bump in life's road. TRUST ME!!!



    Now, stop this dying crap. You are not gonna die. Your cancer was not in the nodes and there are hundreds of gals here who would trade you, ANY DAY, just for that. AND being a Triple Neg, after 2 to 3 years, your chances of recurrence are almost nil. So enough of this talk. You will see me one day, I will come in and order a Subway, this is what I like: Honey bread with roast beef, deli mustard, provolone cheese, spinach, tomato, a tiny bit of onion, olives and two pickles. Then, a LARGE drink. No chips, er, what do you call them, because chips are french fries? No salty things in a small bag, there. Help me out here, lovey.



    So see, you will be there with a big smile. I will grab you, hug you, and we will go get a pint! SEE, I promise, I promise.



    XXXOOOOO Gentle hugs, Shirlann

  • arby
    arby Member Posts: 126
    edited December 2007

    Dear Sue, I am getting thru radiation for a similar diag as you.  I'm in the burn stage right before the final boosters.  I am praying for you to hang onto hope.  Just do it moment by moment and dwell on LIFE, what your senses are taking in today.  the smells, the scenery out your windows, think cheery,not dreary; but you really do have to set your mind and attitude to rise above the dismalness.  In the Old Testament, there's a story about Moses needing to hold up his arms during a battle to insure a victory.  When his arms got tired , his brother Aaron held them up, supported them from beneath.  I love that picture.  We sisters here are holding you up.  You'll get through this battle.  Tell us more about your sons.  what makes you smile from your treasure of memories?  maybe try writing that into a poem.  just keep it light, and grateful and positive. Here, I'd stick it on my refrig!  Maybe you'd rather put in in a scrapbook.  there are still things to explore and enjoy at this stage.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  love, arby

  • Wren
    Wren Member Posts: 324
    edited December 2007

    Sue,

    You are in my prayers.  I check here every evening to see how you are doing and I am so sad that we all can't physically reach out and hug one another.

    This is my hug for you. (((Sue)))

    I lived in England when I was 4/5/6 years old... I can just hear your lovely voice -- you are young, strong, and brave--and you will live a long time.  Believe what these survivors tell you.

    I hope you feel better soon. 

  • portiasproudmom
    portiasproudmom Member Posts: 2,125
    edited December 2007

    Sue, please stop talking about dying. You are going to be around for a long, LONG time!!  We all find ourselves freaking out and thinking scary thoughts.  The other day I found myself wondering if this was the last Christmas I would have with my family.  I was wondering what my dh would do with all my Christmas decorations if I wasn't here to put them all up.  Chase enjoys them so much.  He would be so disappointed if there weren't any lovely decorations up.  I know I was being ridiculous, but it's easy to fall into that negative thinking.  Hang in there, sweetheart!  Love you, my dear FRIEND--acquaintence, my butt!

    Lisa, I didn't get any pm's from you.  Did you try to send them on the day that everyone was complaining about the server being down?  Please send them again.  Thanks!!  I hope you had a great time at the party.  My dh's company party is next Saturday.  I bought myself a really cute outfit to wear, but I'm going to feel self-conscious about the wig.  Gosh, I hate thiose stupid things.  They're good quality, but they just look so FAKE to me.

    Take care all you lovely ladies.  Sue, take it easy at work tomorrow.

    Love and hugs,

    Karen

  • Lucy1234
    Lucy1234 Member Posts: 289
    edited December 2007

    Plus my aunty had a very aggressive cancer that was in 5/10 nodes. If she can do it I'm sure as hell you can!



    You are a strong woman even if you don't feel it now.

    I watched a program this morning where this little boy had a tumor in his belly 8 inches! he had chemo for a year! His mum said "I wish I could go through it for him"



    Sometimes we have to be thankful for small mercies



    XXXX

  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited December 2007

    Hi Sue, I hope that the morning brings you a better day, I am thinking of you and my prayers are with you. Now for all this dying talk, you can't go any place, I haven't started chemo yet and you have to be here to talk me through it.

    You are young, healthy & strong, and I know that you can do this. Hang onto the things that matter your sons, family, friends, your sanity & most importantly your life. To many people need you, so you cant go any place. I will see you later on the board, check out the inspiration thread, it is truly amazing.

    Love DianaLaughing

  • my3girls
    my3girls Member Posts: 3,766
    edited December 2007

    Good morning ladies!!

    Dear Sue...no more talk of death!! Listen to everyone else who responded to your fears, (I wont repeat) but they gave you great advice!  Shirlann..said it all.

    We all have fears..that is normal...it's just the difference if you let them get ahold of you!  You are too strong...stubborn and independent....you are not going anywhere!

    Karen...I will go back and send those to you again..not sure what happened.

    Welcome to Diana (i see you are in Ohio too..there are a few of us) wren and arby..welcome.

    Have a great day...I am off and running on my day off.

    Oh yeah..the party was OK.....we have had better..haha.

    xoxo

    Lisa

  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited December 2007

    OH SUUUUEEEEEE!!!!



    Now we are getting worried. It is 3pm in London, I hope you are at work, I guess, although you should be in bed. But I know how hard that is.



    Next time, get sick in the summer, there are a lot less germs. Now, let us hear from you so we can all stop worrying.



    Honey, this is a nasty, horrible journey, but you can do this. You ARE doing this.



    We are all with you in spirit, really, we are. Hugs, hugs, hugs,



    Love, Shirlann

  • Lucy1234
    Lucy1234 Member Posts: 289
    edited December 2007

    Hi All



    Well I'm sorting out my stuff ready for the first day back tomorrow. Cant wait for everyone to talk to my boobs!

    LOL



    I have had some time to reflect and I am so lucky I had this site and you ladies. After xmas I will be making a donation to the site.



    I have had a look through this massive thread and its like a journey not just for Sue (The backbone of this addictive thread) but for lots of us. Laughing at my post in my hospital bed!! LOL now thats commitment.



    It would make a great book sue!!! What d'ya think?



    Anyway just wanted to say that



    Love you all and thankyou



    Poppy

    XXXXXX

  • Diana63
    Diana63 Member Posts: 773
    edited December 2007

    Hi Lisa, yes I'm a Buckeye & I live in Columbus, someday I hope to live just a little out of the city limits though. Laughing

                                           

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    Hello Everyone xxx

    Thankyou so much for the support....I am really really floundering.This has been a very hard tx...and I am a person split in two...the mum who dies a million times and the person who is ill....where has the mum gone!!! She is letting her kids down ....I am not very strong....I can't even begin to explain but I think I am having big reality checks...... the pain is unbearable....emotionally I am floored...Do you know what...I feel like there is something coming between me and the boys .... something nasty that is standing in my way....and I can't reach out to them.... I am wondering if we grieve for the life we once had ...before we got ill...I don't understand why I am feeling huge loss inside myself...I am waffling...and crying ....and the treatment is driving me into right big down times...I am not depressed...just all cut up...

    Well I will go to the doc tomorrow night and get her to up my anti d's

    I just feel like I am trapped in a bubble....and its so lonely and scarey... I HATE CHEMO BCOS IT DESTROYS MY HEAD...

    Will I get to the end .... it is so hard....

    I know there are a million ladees that would exchange places with me....and I feel very very selfish for feeling this way...but it is not me...it is the emotional state...it is the fear of things in general...it is knowing that it does come back.... it is the fear of the unknown...

     I am trying to face up.... F .E. A.R.  ...FACE EVERYTHING AND RECOVER....

    I also need to be living on my own with my boys....I can't handle anything more...too much stress..... makes one ill...

    Look at me tonight....I really want to pick myself up....but it is too hard.... where have I gone...I can see myself but I can't find myself..

    Well I am not gonna have a cuppa cos chemo puts me right off tea...and bootface stupid ugly lechy stinky nasty boil in the bag FILTH has got my head.....see I have tears of ANGER....IMMENSE PURE ANGER...

    I really want to thank everyone for never ever giving up on me....I am going to try and get a grip ...when I see the wood for the trees...

    I am going to print all these posts and get them published...I will call it BOOTFACE...

    I really wish to god we all lived near each other ....

    Shirlann....the chips in the bag in the UK are called crisps....on our menu board at work they are advertised as chips..the american way...we always have one or two northerns in asking for chips thinking they are going to get a plate of chips...LOL....The customers have been right ANNOYING me today...I want to be a mole with a hole right now...

    Much Love xxx

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    I really really appreciate all of you....I have such deep deep respect for all of you....it runs deep through my soul...... Please all of you give yourselves a hug from me...because if I could have just one wish right now...I would come and hug you all...

    Poppy ..... thankyou so much for relating me your aunty ...and giving me the hope I needed last night to get me through the small hours...  Please have a lovely day at work tomorrow...and give us the gossip...lol....... you have been a rock .... a diamond...xxx

    I am sorry for babbling .... babbling....I want to punch the lights out of this evil disease!!! 

    arby...that is how I have been living...in the moment...but somehow I have become swamped with sad feelings...I hope you are having a good day the story of Moses has warmed me xx...and you too wren ...thankyou for the strength..Diane I will check out the inspirational .....thankyou to all of you ...XxX

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    Karen...I can so relate to your thoughts of Chase and christmas decs etc....mums always know best...I can so see the way you are with Chase in me...the thoughts we have....

     Your wig will look great ...not like mine at the moment!! I washed it in boiling water and fabric conditioner yesterday and it looks like I had my finger in the electrical socket today LOL  xxxx Have a few bottles of plonk when your'e out and your wig will be a distant memory... lol  xxx

  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited December 2007

    Sue,

    "I am wondering if we grieve for the life we once had" -

    OMG, YES!!!!  I still do and its been a year for me.  Please, please realize that all this crap is normal right now.  I know it sucks. 

    BUT I PROMISE YOU IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!!

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SUE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Hang in there girlfriend.

    Valerie

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited December 2007

    I am off the boards and this thread keeps growing.

    Going back to the hair comments about coloring it. I did not lose my hair (no chemo) but the last time I had my hair cut and styled, my dh asked me if I had it highlited. I said no and slapped him silly. The way my hair parted more of my distinguished silver showed through the dark brown making it look like it was highlited. Then yesterday at Back Yard Burgers they gave me the SR citizens discount and I am only 47!!!! I guess I will take any discount when it is offered.

    Sue, I am joining in the group hug. We are all here to support you and anyone else who is having trouble coping with all the emotions that this Bootface throws on us. Please keep thinking positive, you will be here to see your sons date and marry, don't forget spoiling your grandchildren!

    Sheila

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    Aunty Em ..... I love your strength and words to me...and I will suck hard these next 6 months...I promise....bcos I have unconditonal love and support...and bcos you all mean the upmost to me xxx

    I wish I could get on an aeroplane right now....I am going to map out where everyone lives....like a navigator at sea....and make my dreams reality if I get better xxx

  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited December 2007

    Hey Sue,

    A bunch of us ladies (including Valsul) are meeting in New York City next May.  Care to join us????

    Aunty

  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited March 2008





    Just checking in! Had to do so to know you're still fightin!



    So sorry, Sue, we know you're suffering. You're such a tough one, and the anger, and sadness is one especially common on chemo and lessons with time.



    New York next May sounds great! Maybe you could look to that as a goal and a gift to yourself.



    Thinking of you and all the other ladies going through chemo now. We're with you!



    Tender

  • Ulla
    Ulla Member Posts: 840
    edited December 2007

    DAER SWEET SUE

    I WAS NOT ABLE TO POST ANYTHING SINCE MY LAST POST,,,I AM ALSO IN VERY BAD MOOD,,BUT WHEN I SAW HOW BAD U FEEL AND HOW SAD U R ,, I COULDNT HELP IT NOT TO TELL U THAT U MUST FEEL BETTER ,,NOT FOR URSELF BUT FOR UR BELOVED BOYS,,U MUST HELP URSELF THROUGH TRYING TO OVERCOME THIS BOOTFACE,,U R NOT GOING TO DIE FOR THIS STUPID BOOTFACE THAT EVEN DID NOT INVOLVED UR LYMPHATIC SYSTEM ..HONEY SUE..SHARLIN IS RIGHT U R MORE THAN LUCKY EVEN WITH THIS STUPID ILLNESS,,PLZ LOOK AT THE POSATIVE SIDE OF IT ,,U R REALLY IN EARLY STAGE AND CAN BE TREATED VERY WELL WITH NO RECURRENCE,,I KNOW U KNOW ALL THESE THINGS BUT WHEN WE R SAD LIKE U R NOW WE NEED SOMEONE TO REMEMBER US ABOUT ALL THESE SIMPLE FACTS THAT WE BECOME UNABLE TO C THEM DUE TO OUR SADNESS AND PAIN...

    PLZ SUE,,,TRY TO RE-ESTIMATE UR CONDITION COMPARING URSELF WITH SO MANY LADIES IN HERE WHO HAVE THE SAME ILLNESS WITH HARDER SITUATION,,U WILL KNOW IMMEDEIATELY HOW LUCKY U R AT LEAST HAVING UR WONDERFULL BOYS WITH U ,,FEELING THEM AND BEING ABLE TO HUG AND KISS THEM...THIS IS A BLESS ...

    PLZ SUE ,,,I EVEN DONT KNOW IF I AM SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS OR NOT,,,I AM JUST TELLING U WHAT I WILL NEED TO HEAR IF I WAS IN UR PLACE NOW...LOOK AT THE NICE THINGS IN UR LIFE ,,

    U R A STRONG BEAUTIFULL LADY,,U R IN UR HOME COUNTRY WITH UR FAMILY AND UR LOVELY BOYS,,,

    U HAVE UR DAD WHO CAN BE A REAL SUPPORT EVEN WHEN U DECIDEDE NOT TO DEPEND ON HIM...

    U R IN AN EARLY STAGE OF THE BOOTFACE THAT SO SO MANY LADIES OVERCOMED AND IT BECAME JUST AS A BAD DREAM FOR THEM AFTER THEY SURVIVED IT ...

    U HAVE UR WORK THAT U LOVE TO GO EVERYDAY EVEN WHEN U R SO SICK...

    DEAR SUE LOOK AND THINK ABOUT ALL TEHSE BLESSINGS AND BEAUTIFULL THINGS ALL AROUND U ,,,GO HAVE A WALK IN THE PARK OR IN A WOOD IF IT IS POSSIBLE ...TRY TO GET AS MUCH AS U CAN OF FRESH AIR,,,..SOMETIMES IT WORKS WITH ME....

    PLZ SUE TAKE CARE OF URSELF ...U R NOT ALONE HERE AT ALL...WE ALL R WITH U....CAN U FEEL THIS HUG FROM ME ????

    DEAR SWEET SUE CALM DOWN THESE DAYS WILL PASS ,,,THEY WILL BE JUST MEMEORIES,,,,ONE DAY WHEN U HAD THAT BOOTFACE....IT WILL NEVER WIN IN THIS BATTLE....

    I KNOW U WILL FIGHT IT FOR UR BOYS AN URSELF ,,,,

    U DESERVE THE BEST AND U WILL HAVE IT...

    PLZ FEEL MY HUGS AND KISSES ON UR CHEECKS SISTER....

    I AM REALLY SORRY FOR THIS LONG POST BUT I REALLY DIDNT PLAN TO WRITE ALL THAT..I EVEN WASNT IN POSTING MOOD,,,JUST SITTING IN MY BED ...READ ALL THE POSTS OF LADIES IN OCTOBER CHEMOGIRLS AND IN HERE ,,I JUST COULDNT SATY AWAY FROM U WITHOUT SENDING U THE BEST OF BEST WISHES.....

    COM ON GIRL...HANG IN THERE,,,FIGHT....U WILL DO IT..I KNOW THAT FOR SURE,,,,TRUST ME BABY,,,

  • livesstrong
    livesstrong Member Posts: 1,799
    edited December 2007

    Sue, aka Dorothy- Just got home from work and found a pleasant surprise in my mail!!!  Thank you so much for the card - what a hoot - I said to DH "are they brussel sprouts"?? we fell over laughing.  

    After seeing that card, I know you are going to do just fine.

    Hugs,

    Aunty Em 

  • sueps
    sueps Member Posts: 2,266
    edited December 2007

    Aunt Em ...lol...treasure the card....and if you found any of my fallen hair in it...treasure it also xxxx

    Ulla ....Ulla...your post is absolutely heartfelt....and I know how much we suffer together...in fact you are probably lying down like me right now....I just want you to know that I am very very very grateful to you for writing such strong supportive words....and that Ulla...you make my world a better place...you are so brave...and I am very touched and strengthened by your post  xxx I love you XX

    Well New bloomin York ....wow...you lot....how bloomin amazing...I can't wait to meet up when I am better...BUT my chemo doesnt finish til 1sr week in June then I got dam freaking nuking by the radiation for a month....freaking bootface ...

    Well I will have to get back to the drawing board...and you lot will have to send me some good pics....or even a video! ...

    Hey Aunt Em...I am posting the book on my day off....I will send it 2nd class tho as Royal Mail...will endeavour to rip me off ...lol....so you will prob get it after Xmas...and I will spend thursday writing you a letter to go in it.....

    Much Love xxxx

  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited December 2007

    Hey Baby, the radiation is easy, compared to this.  And dang it, we should have told you, DON'T EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING YOU LIKE DURING CHEMO, YOU MIGHT BE PUT OFF IT FOR LIFE!!  Now that's good of us, telling you now.  Works both ways though, if you like something you shoudn't have, then eat it.  One gal, years ago, got barfy months after chemo ended just driving by the place!

    Honey, you are not weak.  You are doing it.  That is all anyone can say at this point.  Each time is one closer to being over.  You have NOT let anyone down.

    We are all here to help you, you rant and rave all you want.  I was just afraid you were in the hospital.  Scared me.  I know you will be fine.  And you will be very surprised to find out, in years from now, that this horrible journey you have had to take, will keep you closer to your boys than you can even imagine.

    Of course you are not jumping off the cliffs with them!  But think, if it was one of them, would it bother you one whit to help, love, even cry with them?  NO.  They will be closer to you than anyone who just raises their children.  Your's have been through the fire with you and they will remember this and believe me, you will be their hero.

    So stop worrying about that.  No one will come between you and your boys and no one will take them from you. 

    Honey, just hang on, one day at a time, one day at a time, baby steps, baby steps.  You can do this.

    Love you so much, Shirlann 

  • honeygirl
    honeygirl Member Posts: 1,718
    edited December 2007

    Hi SueSmile!OH BOY , I am having the biggest , longest , hottestUndecided , roaringYell , sweatyCry , red facedEmbarassed hot flash anyone ever has HAD!!! I think I will call the fire dept. and ask if they will hose me down! OK , enough about me...

    OK Sue , just for you , I just made a big pan of fudge brownies! But I know your not feeling up to them , so I guess I will have to eat them all!lol Hey , Shirlann is right , don't eat anything you like , unless you are really craving it. When I was on chemo , I love tuna , and thought its a good source of protien , so I would have some- WRONG thing to do. It made me sick , and I rarely eat it anymore. Just the thought queses me.

    You and your sons are fine. When you are feeling sick , and fearful it is hard to feel anything good. Like you said , you can't see the forrest for the trees. Keep taking your meds. I pray that God holds you in the palm of His hand , and shall take away all your fears. Hang in there Sue , another day has gone by. Closer than before to May.xxxx

    Hi Karen , you know , that is exactly the same thought I had when I was getting my Christmas decor out. I thought " Will this be the last Christmas"? And then I thought " well , if it is , By God , I will use every decoration I have and it will be the prettiest , most decorated Christmas ever! xxxx

    Poppy , good luck tomorrow. Too funny , "as everyone talks to your boobs!lol It is true though.Hope its a great day for you tomorrow.xxxx

    Hi Valerie , Sheila , Shirlann , Tender , Ulla((((hugs Ulla)))) , Wren , Arby , Diana (I'm from Ohio too!) . Group hug to you Sue from all of us.

  • honeygirl
    honeygirl Member Posts: 1,718
    edited December 2007
    Oh my gosh I forgotEmbarassed , LISA too! Sorry Lisa , its the chemo/tamox brain!xxxx

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