Christmas Blues

Odalys and Shel,

Up until a couple of days ago, I cried everyday for 3 straight weeks.  You both have had a helluva lot going on recently.  On the practical side, I upped the dosage of my antidepressant. 

What really hit me the other day was that I can't save everyone .. I can't even save myself ... that's when I had to let go and let God. 

We're flat ass broke, but my dear friends here and at Gina's reminded me that that's not what this is all about.  This will be the first year ever w/o a tree.  Another gal here posted about the loss of two of her children and how after much anger and sadness over time she accepted it as the ebb and flow of life. I'm trying to find acceptance with the ebb and flow of life. Trying, but usually not all that successful.

What I also realized is that I have felt the pressures of the holiday season before I had bc.  So I don't think it's unique to cancer survivors.  I do think we have more to carry in our hearts though.  I think we feel more than others and love more deeply, because of what we have survived and knowing that each day is a gift.  Maybe that's what the season's about.

I liked it when I was a kid and the season was about presents that covered the entire living room floor, pretty velvet dresses, Christmas programs at church, and Santa filling all the stockings with chocolate.  Of course, I'm leaving out all the dysfunctional bullshit.

I didn't answer your questions, I know.  I love you gals.  You're gonna be okay.

Bren  

Yes it is all so sad, isn't it?

Here's my input:

My entire life all I ever wanted to be was a mom. Well, it never happened. Not the 'natural' way nor with medical intervention. Then I get BC when I'm single, still 'technically' fertile, and I cry my eyes out day after day because my life is over - I'm single, barren and going to die from BC or at the very least be very miserable from tx.

Fast forward (this is a BIG simplification) to the end of my tx and I'm in the process of adopting a child. My daughter is placed in my arms  forever on 2/04/07. Now I'm finally a mom and have this new life to be concerned about, not just my own, so no more self pity!

The other day a very dear (ex) co-worker told me her thoughts on adoption and such. She said that we are all linked through birth and death and the souls that were meant to be together come together no matter what the circumstances. Again, a simplification of our conversation but it reaffirmed my thoughts on life and death and what is meant (or not meant) to be. So, I try not to be sad anymore because I know that those I'm meant to be with I'll be with again and those who give me grief will only do so for a short period of time (hopefully). I'm not a christian so I don't believe what many here believe but I do believe that there is a continuum of life/energy forces and that just because our physical bodies die that doesn't mean or life/energy force dies. Do I want to die and leave my daughter all alone? No, but I don't fear death like I used to. As always, just my thoughts.....

Jaybird...that is awesome about ther adoption and I totally agree with your co-worker and you on life! Congrats!

One of the CEU presentations I give is teaching stress management to healthcare professionals.  Christmas is one on the top 10 stressors!  Loss of a loved one and illness are right up there.  Actually I think they are the top 3 stressors. 

There has been alot of sadness lately - especially cause we have lost so many sisters the past couple of months and many more are sicker and fighting mets with a vengence.

As we get older, we see how our parents are aging.  Each year a little more frail.  Memories of past Holidays where they were fun and vibrant now a distant memory.

Before bc, I would say that both my DH and I were reckless when it came to presents.  I mean there had to be lots to open.  Expensive stuff - the biggger surprise the better.  Then breast cancer came along with its treatment.  This will be my third Christmas since my diagnosis.  We dont do big anymore.  And ya know what - I found that those little presents were the most precious.

Before bc, I never baked.  Now I make sure I have chocolate chip cookies, fudge, and banana bread. 

I do have the spirit of Christmas in my heart.  BC may have changed how I look at things - but I see it as a day to appreciate my life and another year with my DH.  This year everyone is getting an ornament - they have some really cute ones that are inexpensive at Michaels.  Got some gingermen cookie dough from Pilsberry  and each person is gonna get a gingerbread man with their name on it.  Gonna personalize them.  For example - DH's will be playing a guitar.  So there are lots of inexpensive ways to make the holiday nice.

Nothing is more special than having little ones around the holidays.  I do miss that. 

So what really is the spirit of Christmas?  For me its giving from my heart and enjoying life as it is.  Im glad Im here to enjoy another Christmas.  Only now - I do it my way, instead of the way they make us think we should be doing.

So think of something simple - that will touch someones heart.  Because as you touch someones heart, yours will light up also.

Nicki 

Jaybird,

Congratulations on your daughter.  We adopted our third child from China when she was a year old.  She is now 6.  It was without a doubt, the best thing we have ever done!!!  I don't know what my life would be like without her.  The connectedness you speak about is referred to as a red thread in China.  It goes something like, People are connected through life and death by a red thread.  Sometimes the thread twists and turns but it never breaks.  I could go on an on about the miracle of adoption.

I know, I am off topic, sorry.  But when I see that someone has adopted I have to chime in.

I had my biopsy the day after Christmas three years ago.  I wan't officially dxd until after Christmas, but the surgeon was certain it was cancer.  I don't find that Christmas is any different for me because of my dx.  I do seem to be more tired, but that could be from a variety of problems or circumstances.

{{{Patrice.}}}  I heard from my dd on Thanksgiving via email.  She sounded homesick.  They haven't updated their website lately...too busy I assume.  How is your son? 

Shirley

I KNOW you want him home! And, right now!  But, Patrice, this is the time of their life.  They may never get to do a trip like this again.  Soooooo, I try hard to keep that in my brain (what's left of it )

No, I don't believe they'll be coming on right now.  My daughter did say she had been looking into finding a "cheap" airline ticket to visit.  Not happening anytime soon I'm sure.  She wasn't too optimistic.  She wanted to come home for a visit. I believe she's missing her sisters and family during the holidays.  This is her second Christmas not being with us.

Patrice, you're son's going to be okay.  We have to believe that.  We wouldn't take away the joy they are having at this time (would we? ) LOL

I'm not putting any decorations up.  No tree...no nothing!  We won't be home for Christmas so why bother. 

Since my in-laws past away it seems as if we're not going to get together during the holidays like we used to.  Kinda sad, but a lot less work. 

Take care.

Shirley

thank you Shirley...I love that song too.  It means a lot and I try to keep it in mind when the blues really hit me.  The love that is here alone is just amazing.  Maybe thats Christmas...who knows.

Love and hugs all

Vickie

(((gsg)))

right back at you, vickie!

I've been escaping Christmas for years.  And my birthday is on Christmas.  My plan has been the long sabbatical in the sun.  I have usually been happy to avoid the Christmas craziness.  This year was a lot harder snce the dx in June.  Many of the things I used to love here in the sun, had no magic for me.  The dx hung over me like a death sentence, even though it was a pretty positive dx. 

Many suggested meds, which I havent tried yet.  My theory is we do have to feel those negative feelings, we may not want to feel, in order to get back to the joy.  Also keeping moving and posting here has helped a lot. 

I got gloriously lost in the woods yesterday, which is usually a harrowing experience.  Since I got out before the sun went down, it was still harrowing, but I felt better for the adventure.  Keep moving if you can. 

The other thing is I have besome more selfish in how I spend my time, thoughts and energy.  I have no time for the old "people pleasing" ways.  Having cancer is a great way ro prioritize.  Also no time for negative people or time and energy suckers. 

Maybe the whole thing just helps clarify our choices.  And of course, we are changed forever.  But maybe some of that change will be good.  My 2 cents.

Marin, Too funny about Faith Hill.  I havent seen that video but will look for it.

Wonderful dream.  What a gift!  You are lucky to have such a pivotal vision.