Christmas Blues

Odalys

Christmas Blues

Odalys

I've always enjoyed the Christmas season.  Even when I was in the midst of chemo treatments, I enjoyed Christmas.  It's always been such a reminder of God's precious gift of life.  However, here I am two years after treatment and this Christmas season brings me such sadness.  I am sad for all the BCO sisters who lost their battle this year, for my dear friend Elizabeth who lost her battle too, for my mom whose body is failing her but her spirit is not ready to let go, and for that piece of me I've lost and will never get back.  I am so sad for my young body and spirit now having to endure all the side effects of menopause and for so many BCO sisters who are fighting mets, recurrence, or just plain fighting to stay alive!   Somewhere along the way life has become more about survival than anything else.  I hate this disease and I am angry for everything it has robbed from us.  I am angry for all the loses this year!   There...I said it!  What happened to the true meaning of Christmas?  Can someone please tell me?  Am I the only one feeling this way? 

2up

oh gosh odalys ........... cancer continues to chip away at me, single parenthood depletes my energy, my ex husband has detroyed a part of me, my job demands all of my extra 'verve', my family are quite simply 'simple' ...... and the list could go on and on ........... i just can't wait for christmas to be done!  (and this comes from a girl who once relished and thrived on the 'holiday spirit') ........... what IS the true meaning of christmas anymore? ...... it doesn't feel the same as i remember it back in the day, when i was young and naive and idealic and healthy and madly in love!

no ........ you're not the only one!!!!!! 

Bren-2007

Odalys and Shel,

Up until a couple of days ago, I cried everyday for 3 straight weeks.  You both have had a helluva lot going on recently.  On the practical side, I upped the dosage of my antidepressant. 

What really hit me the other day was that I can't save everyone .. I can't even save myself ... that's when I had to let go and let God. 

We're flat ass broke, but my dear friends here and at Gina's reminded me that that's not what this is all about.  This will be the first year ever w/o a tree.  Another gal here posted about the loss of two of her children and how after much anger and sadness over time she accepted it as the ebb and flow of life. I'm trying to find acceptance with the ebb and flow of life. Trying, but usually not all that successful.

What I also realized is that I have felt the pressures of the holiday season before I had bc.  So I don't think it's unique to cancer survivors.  I do think we have more to carry in our hearts though.  I think we feel more than others and love more deeply, because of what we have survived and knowing that each day is a gift.  Maybe that's what the season's about.

I liked it when I was a kid and the season was about presents that covered the entire living room floor, pretty velvet dresses, Christmas programs at church, and Santa filling all the stockings with chocolate.  Of course, I'm leaving out all the dysfunctional bullshit.

I didn't answer your questions, I know.  I love you gals.  You're gonna be okay.

Bren  

Sierra

I believe holidays bring forth

so many emotions

at the best of times

some good and bad



Personally, I do not feel Christmas

as it used to be, but then nothing is



I have just returned from the hospital

where a family member has had a stroke

he can not walk, can not talk

and in addition, I have seen all the other

patients in their beds (not nice)

My mother is also suffering and
last year at this time, we were at the hospital



So, when I left,

I felt very blessed indeed



I visit with parents of my best

friend who has been taken, so I understand
what you are saying

Sending you some bright light



Just am very grateful to be here



Best to all







)

Jaybird627

Yes it is all so sad, isn't it?

Here's my input:

My entire life all I ever wanted to be was a mom. Well, it never happened. Not the 'natural' way nor with medical intervention. Then I get BC when I'm single, still 'technically' fertile, and I cry my eyes out day after day because my life is over - I'm single, barren and going to die from BC or at the very least be very miserable from tx.

Fast forward (this is a BIG simplification) to the end of my tx and I'm in the process of adopting a child. My daughter is placed in my arms  forever on 2/04/07. Now I'm finally a mom and have this new life to be concerned about, not just my own, so no more self pity!

The other day a very dear (ex) co-worker told me her thoughts on adoption and such. She said that we are all linked through birth and death and the souls that were meant to be together come together no matter what the circumstances. Again, a simplification of our conversation but it reaffirmed my thoughts on life and death and what is meant (or not meant) to be. So, I try not to be sad anymore because I know that those I'm meant to be with I'll be with again and those who give me grief will only do so for a short period of time (hopefully). I'm not a christian so I don't believe what many here believe but I do believe that there is a continuum of life/energy forces and that just because our physical bodies die that doesn't mean or life/energy force dies. Do I want to die and leave my daughter all alone? No, but I don't fear death like I used to. As always, just my thoughts.....

Odalys

Thanks, Shel, Bren, and Sierra.  Yeap, nothing is the same.  I like to think of it as life before cancer (bc) and after cancer (ac).  Grrrrrrr........................

Jaybird you must have been posting at the same time I was.  Wow, congrats on your new daughter.  Kids have a way of keeping us going.  My son is almost 10 and I have been told having him at 35 placed me at risk for bc.  Ironic that I was playing with him one day and he accidentally bumped my breast.  The pain was so bad I thought I would pass out.  Days later I went for a mammogram thinking my breast was bruised.  That is when they discovered I had breast cancer.  The way I see it, he saved my life.  All during chemo I kept telling him I was receiving these powerful drugs that would make me better.  I know I can't let him down.  He keeps me going and gives me strength to fight even harder.  I hope your daughter does the same for you.

Paulette531

Jaybird...that is awesome about ther adoption and I totally agree with your co-worker and you on life! Congrats!

iodine

I see the biggest change in myself is a loss of "innocence".  I was forced to look my mortality in the eye and accept that, some day, I wouldn't be around any more.

Even when diagnosed at 59, I had no thought of mortality.  Over the past 5 years, when I buy something expensive or lasting, I think about which child will get it , or want to keep my closet cleaned out because I don't want my kids to have to clean out all my junk. 

Having a cancer diagnosis DOES change how we see things and plan and feel.  it just does.

Christmas and all the fuss has gone by the wayside.  Christmas was my biggie!  Planned, shopped, decorated for weeks.  Not even going to have a tree this year because we're going away with our kids.

I would have not ever considered not have a traditonal holiday before cancer, but am now open to lots of alternatives and beginning to think about next year and where we might go.

All my priorities have changed.  I used to keep everything "perfect", which is, of course, impossible.  I felt the need to control and do everything "right".

I no longer feel that need for control or perfection.  And it's a huge relief.

So---Christmas and every other day is different---not bad, just different. 

When I lost my innocence I guess it was like finding there's no Santa.  Sad for a while, but life is forever changing.

But, of course, life is change.

Merry Christmas, everyone, I hope we all find the peace and love this holiday is to represent, and forgo all the "extras" that have been tacked on over the decades.  I gave up the "sparkle" and kept the warmth, I hope.

Anonymous

One of the CEU presentations I give is teaching stress management to healthcare professionals.  Christmas is one on the top 10 stressors!  Loss of a loved one and illness are right up there.  Actually I think they are the top 3 stressors. 

There has been alot of sadness lately - especially cause we have lost so many sisters the past couple of months and many more are sicker and fighting mets with a vengence.

As we get older, we see how our parents are aging.  Each year a little more frail.  Memories of past Holidays where they were fun and vibrant now a distant memory.

Before bc, I would say that both my DH and I were reckless when it came to presents.  I mean there had to be lots to open.  Expensive stuff - the biggger surprise the better.  Then breast cancer came along with its treatment.  This will be my third Christmas since my diagnosis.  We dont do big anymore.  And ya know what - I found that those little presents were the most precious.

Before bc, I never baked.  Now I make sure I have chocolate chip cookies, fudge, and banana bread. 

I do have the spirit of Christmas in my heart.  BC may have changed how I look at things - but I see it as a day to appreciate my life and another year with my DH.  This year everyone is getting an ornament - they have some really cute ones that are inexpensive at Michaels.  Got some gingermen cookie dough from Pilsberry  and each person is gonna get a gingerbread man with their name on it.  Gonna personalize them.  For example - DH's will be playing a guitar.  So there are lots of inexpensive ways to make the holiday nice.

Nothing is more special than having little ones around the holidays.  I do miss that. 

So what really is the spirit of Christmas?  For me its giving from my heart and enjoying life as it is.  Im glad Im here to enjoy another Christmas.  Only now - I do it my way, instead of the way they make us think we should be doing.

So think of something simple - that will touch someones heart.  Because as you touch someones heart, yours will light up also.

Nicki 

newvickie

FAITH HILL LYRICS

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

This is the song that plays in my car whenever I feel especially down about Christmas for whatever reason.  I too lost that "feeling" as I was officially dx'd the day before Nates birthday in December and I so remember that Christmas.  I wonder too...how do I get that "special" feeling back.  That magical, happy, joy filled feeling. 

I just try to hang on to the love...for everyone and everything we have to look forward each and every day.  Even when its a horrible day...there is still a sunrise...still a smiling child somewhere...

I don't know...rambling a bit and oversimplifying what I am trying to say...just an ache in my heart that there are no words for.

Odalys

Dotti, Nicki, Vickie - your words touched my heart.  Those lyrics are just beautiful.  Interesting thing about stress, it tends to creap up on you and before you know it your body is screaming for relief.  Yeap, just like a pressure cooker.  No surprise my blood pressure has been high.  I think I need to let out some steam.

Jaybird627

Dotti,

I think that even those families who don't have death/illness around "the holiday's" are simplifying. Years ago families weren't so scattered, nor as busy! So, don't feel badly for not doing as much as in years past as no one I know does either! :-/ It's not about the 'stuff' but about the gathering/community/friendship of the season.

caaclark

Jaybird,

Congratulations on your daughter.  We adopted our third child from China when she was a year old.  She is now 6.  It was without a doubt, the best thing we have ever done!!!  I don't know what my life would be like without her.  The connectedness you speak about is referred to as a red thread in China.  It goes something like, People are connected through life and death by a red thread.  Sometimes the thread twists and turns but it never breaks.  I could go on an on about the miracle of adoption.

I know, I am off topic, sorry.  But when I see that someone has adopted I have to chime in.

gsg

i can't wait for the christmas/holiday season to be over.  if i had young kids, i might feel differently..but i'm not even sure about that at this point.  i find i can't take being around real happy people any more either.  i disguise it well to the people around me, but that's how i feel inside.

Anonymous

I had my biopsy the day after Christmas three years ago.  I wan't officially dxd until after Christmas, but the surgeon was certain it was cancer.  I don't find that Christmas is any different for me because of my dx.  I do seem to be more tired, but that could be from a variety of problems or circumstances.

{{{Patrice.}}}  I heard from my dd on Thanksgiving via email.  She sounded homesick.  They haven't updated their website lately...too busy I assume.  How is your son? 

Shirley

gsg

Hi, Shirley.

Nice to see you...and so happy you heard from your daughter....do you think they're planning on ending their journey in the near future?

my son is either in thailand or perhaps cambodia and still having a blast...although getting low on funds.  he called and asked us to look into selling his car.  i may try to talk him out of that next time he calls.

Anonymous

I KNOW you want him home! And, right now!  But, Patrice, this is the time of their life.  They may never get to do a trip like this again.  Soooooo, I try hard to keep that in my brain (what's left of it )

No, I don't believe they'll be coming on right now.  My daughter did say she had been looking into finding a "cheap" airline ticket to visit.  Not happening anytime soon I'm sure.  She wasn't too optimistic.  She wanted to come home for a visit. I believe she's missing her sisters and family during the holidays.  This is her second Christmas not being with us.

Patrice, you're son's going to be okay.  We have to believe that.  We wouldn't take away the joy they are having at this time (would we? ) LOL

I'm not putting any decorations up.  No tree...no nothing!  We won't be home for Christmas so why bother. 

Since my in-laws past away it seems as if we're not going to get together during the holidays like we used to.  Kinda sad, but a lot less work. 

Take care.

Shirley

Anonymous

Vickie, hope you don't mind, but I'm going to post a link to "your" song.  I LOVE Faith Hill. The video is beautiful. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5WS6JjGNQg

newvickie

thank you Shirley...I love that song too.  It means a lot and I try to keep it in mind when the blues really hit me.  The love that is here alone is just amazing.  Maybe thats Christmas...who knows.

Love and hugs all

Vickie

gsg

shirley:  i am completely supportive of this trip, but he was planning on coming home in 2 months anyway...so i'm questioning the wisdom of him selling his nice 4WD vehicle that was a great buy...to extend the trip only 8 weeks.  i think when he gets back (in the winter), he's going to wish he had his 4WD car here waiting for him...especially since he will be leaving here for the mountains of North Carolina.

i, like you, will not be putting a tree up.  i was relieved when my husband said let's skip it.  so much work putting up and taking down and we're not having people in this year.  why bother. 

newvickie

(((gsg)))

Anonymous

Awww, he got hooked after he started the trip.

My kids sold their home, their vehicles and had to have the one they're driving "made over" for their trip.  The bought the vehicle and had the work done on it in the UK.  I'm sure they'll sell that one before they get back to the USA.  It surely won't do them any good here.  I don't think they could even have a vehicle like that here.

They're pretty good about money.  Hopefully, they have that all planned out when they get home.  I know they won't settle down here.  I believe they want to go West...Colorado, Oregon or some place like that. 

I knew they planned to be gone a year.  My SIL was trying to tell me it may be longer (I wouldn't listen). LOL  My dd would try to play it down...like they wouldn't be gone any longer than a year.

It must be nice to be having so much fun.  My SIL is a dare devil.  It scares me that he could get hurt (badly or worse) and my dd would be far away from home without us.  You KNOW how we are protective over our children!

I will be so glad when they come back.  I know my SILs parents will be too.  Until then, Patrice, I'm afraid we're outta luck.  Perhpas you could talk your son into thinking about what he's doing...no car.  And he has to get a job before he can buy another one.  But what do we GROWNUPS know! LOL

Shirley

gsg

right back at you, vickie!

Ka-Loni

Hi Sweetie, You have touched my heart so. You are so right here. Our lives and our bodies are so different. I am not the same person. I am so different emotionally and definetly physically. Cancer has changed me so much. I try to tell myself it has changed me for the better. But physically, it has not. It has ruined me for life. I do not feel attractive anymore. All I see are scars. I guess all we can do is thank God for our life. For a second chance at living. And, look at it in a different perspective. Being just thankful.

God Bless,

Kaloni 

Fireweed

The best posts I've seen about Christmas blues are in Jeanne's blog, www.assertivepatient.com . She has a couple years of stories and lots of "how to's" after living with metastatic bc for years.

Odalys

Two more sisters have lost their life this week.  They were both young mothers.  Now, their little angels have to endure Christmas with out their mom.  How unfair is that?  A small child should not have to feel such intense pain at such a tender age or ever!  No child deserves that.  Christmas is about life, yet so much life have been lost this year.  Where is the meaning of Christmas?  

Don't get me wrong, I feel incredible blessed to be healthy and be able to tuck my son in every night.  I am so greatful. Two years ago I wasn't sure if I wold make it to another Christmas.  I did and I am so grateful!

It just seems so unfair for these young mothers to be gone never to see their children grow up and never to hug them again. 

Bliz

I've been escaping Christmas for years.  And my birthday is on Christmas.  My plan has been the long sabbatical in the sun.  I have usually been happy to avoid the Christmas craziness.  This year was a lot harder snce the dx in June.  Many of the things I used to love here in the sun, had no magic for me.  The dx hung over me like a death sentence, even though it was a pretty positive dx. 

Many suggested meds, which I havent tried yet.  My theory is we do have to feel those negative feelings, we may not want to feel, in order to get back to the joy.  Also keeping moving and posting here has helped a lot. 

I got gloriously lost in the woods yesterday, which is usually a harrowing experience.  Since I got out before the sun went down, it was still harrowing, but I felt better for the adventure.  Keep moving if you can. 

The other thing is I have besome more selfish in how I spend my time, thoughts and energy.  I have no time for the old "people pleasing" ways.  Having cancer is a great way ro prioritize.  Also no time for negative people or time and energy suckers. 

Maybe the whole thing just helps clarify our choices.  And of course, we are changed forever.  But maybe some of that change will be good.  My 2 cents.

Anonymous

For me, these holidays are all about hope. That's it. Whether it's Hannukah, Christmas or Kwanzaa, hope is the essential message....hope that we will prevail and that better times are ahead.

I had a weird dream 2 nights ago where I had the choice between surrendering and dying right now or choosing to live. In the dream, I was very tired and disappointed and really tempted to just give up and choose eternal sleep. But then a thought flashed in my mind that there were a bunch of things I hadn't yet experienced or discovered and, if I was being given that choice, I'd choose life. I'll tell ya, that was one powerful dream! I wonder what would have happened if I'd chosen death? Scary.

One final comment which is very far from profound or thoughtful....I watched the YouTube of Faith Hill and was totally distracted by that red thing around her waist...it wasn't until the end that I realized it wasn't a red garter belt (I was thinking throughout...what is that woman's point??   ). Sorry...I know it's a serious song, but that accessory's gotta go!

~Marin

Bliz

Marin, Too funny about Faith Hill.  I havent seen that video but will look for it.

Wonderful dream.  What a gift!  You are lucky to have such a pivotal vision.

Anonymous

Bliz...the url to the video is in Shirley's post above. Just click on it and check out the "garter belt"

~Marin