What's your opinion of this advice?

roseg · November 2007

roseg · November 2007

I saw this in the newspaper, and was surprised by the woman's advice to the Mom. After thinking about it I will say that at least she encouraged the mother to think of the daughter, and not of her own situation.

But I thought she might have offered some cancer-related explainations for the daughter's complaints. I mean, why would the daughter wait until her mother was sick, and hairless to develop those allergies?

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Q. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in May and have a fairly good prognosis, although we didn't catch the cancer as early as I would have liked.

We've been open about it with our children; we've survived the past six months pretty well -- thanks to my husband and my parents -- and our boys, 15 and 12, and our 8-year-old girl seem happy, busy and fairly relaxed. My daughter, who's well-liked and in the gifted program at school, talks easily about my cancer with her classmates and also talks to us about her fear of getting cancer, too. She is a fussy, sensitive person and life has always been more difficult for her.

My husband connects well with her and makes her laugh , but I'm not good at the silly stuff for long. Cancer also has changed my attitude. I don't care what my daughter wears to school anymore, as long as she's comfortable. I just want us to enjoy each other and each day , but she complains about everything, especially to me.

She complains because we aren't eating doughnuts or pancakes for breakfast -- and we usually aren't. She complains because her clothes are too tight or too loose -- she can cry for 20 minutes if they don't "feel right." And she complains about her bus ride and the kids who hurt her feelings that day -- or six months ago. It just goes on and on , and it's driving me nuts. I try to be sympathetic and to help her appreciate the positive , but she continues to pout and fuss, which makes me irritable.

Maybe this is normal mother-daughter stuff, but I might not have 20 years for us to sort it out. How can we have a good relationship now?

A.Some of your daughter's behavior probably comes from her own innate temperament, but there also could be at least two physical causes. And both of them can be fixed.
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Because your daughter's body is probably as sensitive as her feelings, consider allergies first. They can affect the skin, the central nervous system and anything in between.

She may fuss about her clothes because scented laundry soap and dryer sheets make her anxious or give her a headache, but she won't make that connection. Instead she'll say that her shirt is too loose or too tight.

Her craving for pancakes every day could be another sign of an allergy, rather than a sweet tooth, and you can test that possibility by cutting bread and pasta out of her diet for five days, as well as meat loaf, cereal, gravy or anything that contains even a smidgin of flour. This experiment will be a bit of a bother for you, and if your daughter is allergic, it will be a big bother for both of you, because an allergy is like an addiction and the withdrawal may make her fussier than ever on the third and fourth day. By the sixth day, however, any wheat in her body will be gone and her crankiness should be gone, too -- as long as she doesn't eat any more wheat.

If your daughter isn't allergic and still finds most of her clothes are uncomfortable, she may have sensory processing disorder -- SPD -- which affects up to 5 percent of American children and often is misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all. Children with this neurological problem don't really know where their bodies are in space because the sensory receptors in and around their mouths, in their skin and in their inner ears always register sight, sound, touch, smell and movement too strongly, or not strongly enough. This can make these children clumsy, hyperactive, aggressive, anxious or depressed, which, in turn, will make it hard for them to keep their friends and their self-esteem.

To find out if your child has SPD, take her to an occupational therapist who's certified to test for it. If the results are positive, another occupational therapist will work with her every week for about a year and also have her do daily exercises at home to get rid of the problem.

To learn more, go to http://www.SPDNetwork.org and read "Sensational Kids" by Lucy Jane Miller (Putnam, $25) and the revised edition of "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz (Perigee, $16) -- both written by SPD gurus. A third book, "Raising a Sensory Smart Child" by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske (Penguin, $15), will tell you how to help the SPD child.

Q

Towanda2 · November 2007

I think the advice was actually pretty good. There were three completely different physical possibilities given for the daughter's fussiness. From the way the mother described the situation, the daughter has always been fussy and difficult, but since her BC diagnosis, the mother has no patience for it.

I have no credentials other than mom of a gifted, sensitive, fussy boy who developed depression in high school and was never clearly diagnosed (he's 26 and fine now), but I'm going with SPD or some other sensory and/or cognitive problem over wheat/other allergy here.

NoH8 · November 2007

I don't think she has sensory processing or integration disorder, she would have had it since birth and there would be a lot more signs.

I would bet that her daughter longs for her mother's attention and approval and also fears losing her. She doesn't connect with her mom the way she does with her father personality wise, and she desperately wants to. Deep down, she probably sees her mom's lack of patience due to cancer fatigue as a rejection, even if she can say she understands mom is more tired, the connection between that and the unconscious emotional need is lacking for an 8 year old, no matter how bright. If she were my client I would suggest that the mom plan some alone time with her daughter, even a regular "date" where they do "girl things" together once a week or month, things the daughter wants to do and the mom can tolerate. The mom also should catch her daughter not complaining and praise her for that, give her more attention for the behavior she wants to see. As long as medical problems are ruled out, she should try to give as little attention to the complaints as possible saying things like, "I'm sorry you're itchy. What would you like to do about that" and not try to "fix" the situation or explain.

Binney4 · November 2007

My guess is this writer had an agenda: he was looking for a way to spew his information about SPD, the new diagnosis-of-the-month, and this letter fit the bill. Close enough, anyway. Note the structure of the article, with the "sensational" diagnosis last for maximum effect. Baloney!

Binney

Beesie · November 2007

Binney, I agree with you. I don't think the answer had much to do with the problem. It's one possible explanation, I suppose, but it's hardly likely. And it seems as though there are lot of more serious issues there.

On the one hand, there is an issue that the mother, because of her attitude following BC, doesn't have the patience to deal with her daughter's issues, some of which sound perfectly normal for an 8 year old. On the other hand, I do think that the daughter may be reacting to her mother's coldness and may also be fearful of losing her mother. So.... lots going on, and the response missed all of it. Where did the allergy thing come from anyway? That's the answer? I don't think so.

ravdeb · November 2007

Her daughter sounds anxious to me. There are kids who have problems with clothes feeling not right on them like she described. And there are kids who complain that they aren't having pancakes for breakfast but there are sugary cereals that could take care of that craving.

It sounds like anxiety and she could have had this before the bc, and it could be exasperated by the bc diagnosis and her mom's impatience.

They should test everything. JMHO

badboob67 · November 2007

I think it's absurd. Sure, there are those who have allergies and sensitivities that can make them purely miserable when exposed...I just don't think that's what's happening here.

What kid wouldn't like donuts or pancakes for breakfast every now and then...for that matter, what about chocolate cake? (remember Bill Cosby's story about feeding his kids chocolate cake for breakfast in his act, Fatherhood?).

I know that I have much less patience when I'm tired or not feeling well. Cancer's pretty good at causing fatigue and malaise. Couple that with the whiner/complainer that seems to have escalated with mom's diagnosis and the result is naturally stressful.

The 8 year old girl is much more likely to feel out of control in this situation. The griping sounds to me like she wants to feel IN control. Seems pretty natural to me under the circumstances.

I think it's pretty far-reaching to answer a question like that by suggesting allergies.

roseg · November 2007

I thought the answer was a bit un-realted to the question/situation too.

It does seem like the whole situation could get self-perpetuating if the girl is on the whiny side (some of us are just that way!) and it's makes the already stressed and tired Mom even more so.

Generally I like this columnist. She's the mother of Michael Kelly who was also a journalist, and died reporting on the war in Iraq.

Member_of_the_Club · November 2007

I saw the column in the Post this morning. I don't think the mom's breast cancer was the cause of the child's issues. I know the mom thinks that because we all think our cancer has caused problems for our children but in most cases the kids do fine. I think this is just a very sensitive kid and a mother over-worrying because of her own issues.

I have a child with an autistic spectrum disorder and I always roll my eyes when I hear this sensory integration stuff. It simply isn't a medical disorder, It can be a sign of something else -- kids on the autistic spectrum often have odd sensory issues -- but it really shouldn't be a diagnosis in itself.

The columnist has some very alternative ideas about child development. I once had a private e-mail exchange with her about one of her columns and she was lovely but I was pretty shocked by her take on things.

althea · November 2007

Wow, I'd have to say if the columnist is right, she would have extraordinary intuitive skills. I've never even heard of SPD before. There doesn't seem to be nearly enough information available to make that kind of leap. Assuming it's a legitimate condition, I would concede that this SPD thing could be a possible explanation for the behavior.

What seems conspicuously absent is any acknowledgement of the emotional toll the mom's cancer could have on the 8yo daughter. It doesn't take a mental giant to deduce that crying for 20 minutes over clothes and persistent pouting and fussing are signs of emotional distress. I suppose it could be allergies, but it could just as easily be something else. Pointing to allergies to explain the daughter's behavior really seems like a shot in the dark to me.

ravdeb · November 2007

The clothes issue..there are many kids like this. There are kids who need their socks pulled up a certain way or need certain style socks because they are bugged by some threads or something..I mean really bugged.

The stuff that was written here...it could have to do with the bc or not...it seems it was there before bc..but I still stick with an anxiety issue or some form of a need for attention. I am a child development specialist..a non-working one...but there are lots of issues like this that usually boil down to stress or attention seeking for a zillion reasons...and the mom should seek help for that...

Anonymous · November 2007

HMMMMM....I'm thinking my 5 yo granddaughter should stop eating wheat! She can get very fussy and sassy and cry and whine over nothing...clothes not fitting properly. However, I also believe my granddaughter is a very strong-willed child! She gets her smarts from our side of the family and her whiny-ness from her dad's side of the family. Laughing

ginger2345 · November 2007

The mother obviously had to attend to her cancer, treatment, and recovery which may have taken a good deal of time and attention away from the daughter. Some kids need more attention than others and are naturally more anxious. And the mother comments that the daughter talks about her own fear of getting cancer. The daughter also may be noticing the change in her mother's attitude and be reacting to that.

The suggestions of the columnist may have bearing, but aren't the first or most common causes of this family's problems.

As I read the response I was, as some above, thinking about what the columnist stood to gain from her responses, especially about the SPD.

What's your opinion of this advice?

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