please help

Hi sweetie, I am so sorry for how your feeling. You know cancer is not easy. I been there, and we all been there. Sueps one thing you need to do is survive this, and you will. You do need to keep a positive attitude about this. I know it is hard, but you need to. Remember take one day at a time, and one step at a time. You will

be fine.

God Bless,

Kaloni

Hi Sueps. I have been following your posts but , have not posted any because you are getting fantastic words of wisdom from personal experiences of there own , which grows our compasion for one another.

I have to tell you Sue , I Felt EXACTLY like you do. I felt like the world had stop and I got off and then it kept turning and I was on the outside looking at everyone around me living life as I had before all this devestating stuff happened. After I was diagnosed , I remember waking up , and for a moment I was fine and then boom , oh yeah life is over as I knew it cause of this beast called breast cancer. I enjoyed going to work , because no one at work knew , and I could get swept up in my high pace job and I felt normal again. Of course until I walked out the door and once again I was outside looking in. Unlike you , my precious son is 24 and pass the age of "raising". But I was diagnosed in Feb. and I just knew I wouldn't see him graduate from college in May!

I wanted to say screw surgery , screw chemo , and most of all screw this diagnoses of breast cancer!!!!!!!! If I only hadn't gotten that darn mammogram this wouldn't be happening. But you see this is the reasoning of a person diagnosed with bc. The fear and anxiety that it causes freaks you out so bad , you just want to rewind the hands of time so you are ok again. You can't do that. Because if anyone would or could have it would have been me!! So the first thing I did was call my primary care doctor and told him and that I needed xanax. I had suffered from anxiety attacks before and knew that would help me. And It did. Don't be afraid to ask for it. It will calm your fears so you can think in "real" time and make sound decisions. Believe me Sue , the last thing you want to do is make decisions based on fear. And that is why you and I was running from what could help us.

The next thing I did , being a spiritual person , I so totally gave this all over to God. There was no way I was going to handle this on my own. I made my decision to have a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. And I did. My personal tumor stats ended up in the "gray" area so I chose chemo for precautionary treatment. I worked through my chemo , taking 2 days a week off for chemo day and the day after. I started chemo May 30th and my last was Aug. 1st. I made it!! My hair is growing back. I did get to see my son graduate.(best day of my life)And best of all I was driving to see him 2 weeks ago and I had my first "normal moment" , when I felt like I did before all this happened. It was deffinately the second best day for me!

Shirlann has been a Godsend for me. She got me through some dark nights. Tender too. So many ladies here because they do know how we feel and they are our light. I really believe God brought me here to this sight and I am so thankful to him for this. Sue , I also had breast pain with my bc. And when they removed my breast I felt at that moment they removed the cancer and I am now cancer free. One day at a time. Stay focused on the positive. Your dad is so lucky to have you. And you him. Good luck to you Sueps. You really can do this. I did. And I want you to. For your sons. For all the people we can help here thanks to to the ladies who are helping us and showing us the way. Hugs and Prayers to you always , Melody

Sweetheart, slow down and breathe. You are not your mother.  Lots of us have genetic predispositions.  I  do have a nasty bc gene (with no family history as warning!) and my boys made it through the treatment stuff.  There are moms here who will help with that - dealing with your kids - here as well.  One day at a time. 

You are strong, I can tell, you are just at one of the hardest parts.  It is like a runaway train because you don't know the extent and are not yet fighting back.  After surgery, after pathology report, you will have a battle plan and will feel more in control.  For now, we are with you in spirit and send wishes for health, peace, and strength!

Flashdif

Sue, you're sounding so much more confident!  The rest of us have known from the beginning that you could do this and I think you're finally starting to realize it yourself.  Good girl!!  All this nastiness will be behind you before you know it, and you'll look back and think, "Wow, what an amazing, strong woman I am.  I BEAT cancer!"  That's going to be an amazing feeling, don't you think?  I can't wait!! 

I actually ordered some really cute hats and scarves today.  It was sort of fun.  I'm going to make the best of this and have fun with the wigs and head dressings.  I'll probably be tempted to wear them before my hair even falls out.  Chemo won't be fun, but we'll get through it Sue!  One day it will all be a distant memory.

Stay strong and keep posting.  We're here for you!!

Hugs,

Karen

Oh Sue, no one feels let down by your pain and anguish. We just feel so very strongly for you. How I wish we could be there in person...but please feel our most loving and supportive thoughts. I think of you through the day and when I wake up at night and wonder how you are doing and I am sure the other ladies do too. Nobody expects you to be brave and upbeat 24/7 - of course you are going to crumble at times. You WILL get through this. I sense there is an inner strength deep within you.

Please know that I care very much how you are feeling. I haven't posted much but I have been following your journey each day, willing the time to pass and sending you loving thoughts. You must feel our collective concern. You must never, never feel that we are let down by what you post. Please keep talking to us.

love and hugs,

gb 

Hi Sue,



No, surgeon's don't do radical mastectomy any more; they gave that up years ago. Nowadays they do a modified radical mastectomy which takes the fatty/fibrous breast tissue off above the pectoralis muscle (main muscle under the breast). They don't even take muscle anymore. So what's left is ample skin, fairly flat against your chest. There's a bendable, plastic "drain" which usually runs along the bottom area of the skin and up a little to one side, and that comes out when the fluid in it is minimal. The time to this is variable, but not too long.



As to the lymph nodes, no, they don't go up to the collarbone anymore. That requires them to cut the major muscle from the minor muscle and they don't like to do that. So, typically our lower arm pit nodes are taken, and some from above them. Have they said if they are going to do a sentinel lymph node biopsy technique, Sue, also called SLNB? That technique has become popular, and lets your surgeon find the first node in the node chain to which the breast typically drains. The good majority of them are in our armpit, axilla area. Where is your lump, Sue? Near the armpit? Surgeons talk about lumps by referencing the face of a clock. Many are between the hours of 9 to 12, but not all, and it really doesn't matter that much.



So, take heart. Those BC descriptions are scary, the details are scary, and I finally just stopped looking at them. You've had a long wait, Sue... you're very right! I do feel very badly about this aspect for you. It's just horrible to wake up each day and know you're still not to the day. I wish there was an earlier spot, a cancellation. It never hurts to ask his office, you know.



Sorry to hear about your Dad and his problems, but glad you worked out a deal. Truly, having an important person like your Dad relying on you to keep your part of the bargain, and knowing he's doing his part, and talking with him, helping him get through, well it's a goal to be had... a journey to get to the other side of...It may be his final way of ensuring his girl is taken care of in this life...My Dad had prostrate cancer and treatment when I had breast cancer treatment. We helped each other.



So many friends you've made here, what wonderful ladies. I am pleased you have such a wide embrace....



Tender

Honey, every inch of our bodies has lymph nodes.  When they say, they will "take them all", they just mean in that one area.  To be sure none are affected.  Don't stress over this, the lymph node system is all over our bodies and their job is to catch anything that might harm us and hold on to it.  So while everyone hopes that the cancer has not made it to the lymph nodes, it is what they were designed to do.  So if you have some that are positive, that is not the end of the world.  Just your body doing it's job.

And are you taking your diazepam 3 times a day?  Whether you need it or not?  It builds up in your system and you will sail in the hospital and not be a bit upset.  Stopping and starting diazepam, in this situation is kinda hard, because you crash when it is not in your system.  Once you get through surgery, you can drop to 1/2 pill 3 times a day, then slowly drop them all.  You will be feeling so much better.  You are going to be just fine.  You are going to live to be an old woman. 

In my small bible class, 9 years ago, when I tearfully told them I had breast cancer, 3 women, mind you, 3 women out of 25 piped up and one was 22 years post double mast, one 17 years post treatment and one 11 years post treatment.  We are all 4 still here, so you can add 9 years to those gals.  I am telling you that times have changed and you have every reason to feel confident that you will be well forever.  My mom's best friend is 94 and 49 years post double mastectomy.  She lives alone and plays contract bridge.  She still gets nervous when her mammo's are due!  I told her she was a nut.  She just laughs.

Sooooo, stop worrying, take the meds, take one step, then one day at a time.  You will be amazed how much better you will feel when the surgery is over AND YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO BEING WELL.

You are loved here, Sueps, and we all are with you every day.  You are in a lovely sisterhood of women, and we take care of each other.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann 

Oh Sue.  I just read the post where you apologized for letting us down.  My goodness!  Don't ever apologize for being human.  This is an unbelievably scary disease.  None of us will dispute that.  I'm constantly up and down.  Whenever I get really anxious and blue, I do something fun with my kids.  They always cheer me up.

I feel so badly for you.  This has been such an excruciatingly long wait for you.  Trust me, once you've had your surgery and the tumors are gone, you'll feel SO much better!  All you can do until then is stay as busy as possible and take it one day at a time.  I know that I run into trouble when I do too much reading on the internet.  It's good to be informed, but sometimes I find myself reading about things that don't even necessarily apply to me and I freak myself out. 

You know, Tender made a very good point.  Have you asked to be put on a waiting list?  My lumpectomy and SNB surgery was originally scheduled for Sept. 13, but there was a cancelation and I was able to have the surgery on Sept. 6.  You should ask about a waiting list, if you haven't done so already.  The waiting is definitely the most difficult part.

Take care, Sue.  Remember that your sisters here in the States are thinking of you and praying for you every day!

Hugs,

Karen

Sue, we are right here with you and all of your fears. I did find a good mystery book kept my mind off things when I felt I was going crazy waiting for my surgery date to arrive. Looking back I was scared but with my mother's strenth and the strength of all these ladies on this site helped pull me through the hard times.

Keep looking to the lighthouse for guidance through this stormy ocean, He will not guide you wrong.

Sheila

Glad to read everyone's posts and your news that your back from your CT scan. Another test done. So, a full work week, and hopefully that PMS will ease off. I agree that can really interface by adding on right now.



You have done nothing to ever apologize for anything, Sue. We started out fresh with you and have come to love you with each passing day, and share the tremendous horridness posed by the wait for your surgery. It's the one major drawback of your system: I'm sure the doctor's hate it too, as no one likes to see suffering of any kind.



Are you on the list for cancellation if there is such a list?



Well, the only thing i wanted to add today, other than I always check in and see what remarkable company you have, is about the Diazepam. I'm a little concerned that 3 mg of it at one time, let alone 3x per day, might be too much. I'm sure Shirlann wants you to modify it by your weight, especially if you're thin from always running around, not eating and this stress, well, then trying 1 mg twice to three times a day may be better. Gosh, don't want you to get totally gorked and end up in the hospital now, with your two boys at home. Anyways, just my opinion. It's a great drug to take the edge off this kind of stress, and fully agree it sounds like a good move as you get closer. Remember to tell the anesthetist you've been on it, Sue.. You might want to make a list of your meds now, as these types of drugs can cause you to forget things.



O.k,. the boards are a little slow of late, but we're still open to club members if you want to spread the word.



I'll check back today and tomorrow and then.....

Tender

Ahh Sue, as the time draw nearer, you suddenly manage to get there. The time drags, and then it is suddenly on top of you. Hard to believe that soon you will be home recuperating from surgery thinking wow.. that wasn't fun, but it sure wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. You are expressing here,  every thought I had too without really being able to verbalize anything so eloquent. Most of mine just started with the F word and I don't mean only FEAR either.

(((((Hugs)))) You are soooo normal. Hope the pain subsides long enough to let you rest.

Karyll