What has cancer done TO you? Pink ribbon frowns..

Cancer has made me age faster than I should.

Cancer has cost me at least $5000 a year paying for co-pay and travel and will continue to do soas long as I live.

Cancer has taken away my belief that I will live to be an old person (there are pretty good genes in the family - thought I'd get to be old and healthy too.)

Cancer has made me afraid to go get a job - don't want to mess with SSDI.

Cancer has made me feel like a welfare case for taking SSDI.

Cancer has caused DH to be afraid of losing his wife.

I'm a happy, positive person, but not because cancer taught me to live every day - I already knew that. With the exception of taking the Disney cruise, little good came from cancer that I wouldn't have had in my life otherwise.

Oh, yeah, and the hair thing - not sure it'll ever come back all over.

I aged. I gained weight. I had a good run, but damn, I am only 53.

~Dorie

I am glad to see this thread. I understand that the pink ribbon thing has raised awareness, and that's good. But it's such a girly, cutesy, romantic thing. And there is nothing girly, cutesy, or romantic about bc. It is a nasty disease. I now have a 9 inch scar instead of a breast, and I am bald, and I am having to fight back to get my flexibility and conditioning. I went thru six months of toxins, my nails are black, and I am scared. I didn't need this to appreciate my life. I have always loved my life. I always felt blessed. I go nuts when people talk about attitude ... my attitude was fine. This was a train wreck ... no hidden blessings or messages. It could have been worse, I get that, but it could have been better too.

Let's see what did it do to me:
Numb feet and hands
Funny frizzy hair
Achy joints
18 months of being poked with needles
Assorted scars
Mild lymphedema
Enough radiation it's a wonder I don't glow in the dark
A year's lost wages
Crappy splitting and peeling fingernails (toes too)

Sure there are things I'm grateful for. I'm alive and, although I may wobble a bit, I am walking. Being in Canada, the cost of my care was not a concern and it was exemplary. My husband's excellent drug plan covered my drugs, my employers were most understanding. My family was supportive.

I didn't have any insights or other "gifts". I was sick, and for the moment I am not sick. I'm not bitter, I don't think God or the medical establishment is out to get me. I think bad stuff happens and it doesn't mean diddly squat.

I posted on the other thread about what cancer has done for me. I am one of the ones who says that cancer has changed my life for the better and it has brought about a lot of good things in my life. Just because I feel that way doesn't mean I think my fight with cancer was all lollipops and gum drops. I can also post here and say what it has done to me.
It has made me afraid that it will come back. It has made me watch my husband and kids be strong when I now realize they were absolutely terrified and didn't want me to know. It wreaked havoc in the mojo part of my life. I also learned to look over people when they stared at my bald head under a baseball cap. I have seen good people get weaker and weaker from this hated disease. I also have the scar and dog ears instead of a breast. The fatigue, the weakness, the list goes on and on. I did not get the anger though and for that I am thankful. Cancer has done a lot to me, but I am so glad that it has done more for me.
Thank you for starting this thread. It gives us a place to be honest with others as well as ourselves. Bonny

Cancer just took my best friend away from me. She died last night of non small cell lung cancer. We have the same birthday, were diagnosed around the same time; even went through the various treatments at the same time.

Then I was diagnosed with mets last May.

Cancer is a horrible thing.

Nothing negative for me because all of the less than positive things pale in comparison to not being here any more. When I feel crabby or crappy I just think about one of my close friends who fought so hard to live until her last day and how much she would have traded my "bad day" for not being alive any more. It puts live into perspective.

There are a number of good things that have happened to me because of cancer, but I would trade them all to go back to the pre-cancer innocence.

What cancer has done to me is turn me into a LIAR.

I lie to acquaintances and reply with, "Good!" when they ask me how I am.

I lie to good friends when I tell them the same.

I feel like I'm lying to my children when they talk about the future with the assumption that I'll be there with them.

I lie to my mom when she asks how I am from so many miles away. She's supposed to be enjoying retirement years with her husband and instead is draining their finances with frequent visits here and help with our bills. So, in her case, cancer has made me a THIEF,too.

I lie to my husband when he hugs me by not telling him it hurts.

I'm lying to myself by putting off things I know I should do sooner rather than later.

I don't think anyone knows how I really feel; how utterly exhausted, scared, angry, and in pain I am.

I am constantly fighting an internal dialog that has my faith on one side and the cancer fears on the other. I can honestly say that the thought, "I have cancer" has not left my mind for more than five minutes since hearing the doctor tell me, "It's cancer." I DO have faith in God and trust him in my situation. I trust that I have cancer because there is a greater plan than I do not understand. But, maybe that greater plan means that my kids will grow up without me...maybe there is something better for them that having me around would be an obstacle to attaining. I do TRUST what God is doing with me...of course, trusting and liking are two different things.

Cancer (treatments) have stolen my memory. I used to have near-photographic recollection and could quite easily tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing on a specific date even years ago. Now, I frequently ask the same question over and over again and forget the answer every time. My children suffer because of what I forget, but also exploit it--sometimes to their detriment. I used to have brilliant communication skills and an extensive vocabulary. Now, more often than not, I sound like an english-as-a-second-language first grader struggling to put a sentence together.

I fight. And fight. And fight. I will continue to fight as long as I can. And, I will probably lie to someone down the line when I tell them, "I am ready to go," because I will NEVER be ready to leave my husband and my babies. I will be ready to go because I will have grown weary and tired of the pain cancer has inflicted on them.

Cancer slapped me in the face and said, "HAH! You're not going to live forever and you'll likely leave this earth much sooner than you'd thought." I think cancer causes two deaths: the first being the immediate the death of one's security and the second, literal death that follows in many cases.

Cancer has changed the way I think about the term "progression". Usually, making progress is considered a good thing. Progressing where cancer is concerned is a very negative thing, indeed.

The possibility that there is a time in the not-so-distant future wherein drugs or the cancer itself may cause me to say horrible, hurtful things to those I love at a time when they are least able to hear it scares the hell out of me. I have been told I did so when in the hospital under heavy medication for a spinal fracture that was compressing my spinal cord. I said awful things to people I love and I don't even remember it!

I am willing to accept that I have no control over cancer. It horrifies me that the cancer can cause me to lose control over myself. What if the last thing I ever say to one of my children is hurtful and caused by the disorientation and affects of some drug I have taken to make it EASIER for me? I will fight and likely suffer more than I need to just to avoid such a possibility. I mean, it's bad enough they should lose their mother. How much more horrible would it be if she hurt them with her own words on her way out of this world?



I've probably said too much and very possibly sound like a lunatic.

Of course, these are also things that cancer did to me.

hi badboob67,
i think you expressed yourself in a very honest and signifant way..i say "ditto" to so many thing you said.
i guess i am a bit jealous of some of the things you do have. your mom and dad, your kids, and your hubby. i have none of these people in my life to share with.
i am a single woman, and have had to face many of the things you talked about..alone. not easy at times. don't know which is more difficult, being afraid you won't be around to see your kids grow up, or never having any at all. (i had two miscarriages) parents and brother dead.
best friend of 30 years, died of kidney cancer recently.
so badboob, take every smile and every hug that your share with them now, as a gift. hugg to you b/c sister, for you honesty and for sharing your fears with us. something that is difficult outside these boards.

Quote:

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and random, I-don't-care-I've-got-cancer spending.


~Marin

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LOL-- I hear you on that one.

Yeah, Biondi, I wonder why so many providers look you square in the face and lie through their teeth? Do they not know? Or do they not care?

I had my GP tell me my on-going rib pain was not due to rads, and I know it was. My whole arm hurts if I do anything strenuous.

Oh well, Shirlann

WOW, I have been reading the two threads here and really hesitated to comment. First off the very title of the threads is so off putting to me! I absolutely REFUSE to give breast cancer this kind of power over me. I am not giving "it" credit for one good thing. I give MYSELF credit for overcoming the experience of having had breast cancer. When I look at my life and see the beauty and joy of every single day, good or bad, I give MYSELF credit for that feeling. Cancer is a mindless, uncontrolled growth of some cells. To give it a personality or credit it with "positives" is giving to much of my own power away. When I lost my hair I didn't blame cancer. I said "thank God, looks like the chemo is working". I am taking the initiative to have as much of the breast tissue in my body removed, radiated, poisoned etc. Because I was a strong person before and am a strong person after.

Really it is the EXPERIENCE of a life threatening situation that has the power to make us stronger or take us under.

JMHO as always. Marsha