What has cancer done TO you? Pink ribbon frowns..

SheriH

Marsha, I really like what you said about not giving cancer a personality. That gives it too much credit.

I may be stronger in some ways, but I am weaker in others. It's still me. There have been other experiences in my life that have also changed me, some even more than cancer. What makes the cancer different is it was in my body. I had to treat it like I would anything else. Sometimes I think the biggest difference in cancer than other chronic problems I've had is the effect it has on the people around me. I had CANCER. That is a dirty word, filled with fear. I also have high blood pressure that I had before cancer. In fact, the hbp started at the end of my last pregnancy. Does that mean I will always blame my last child for it? Of course not! It's just something I will always have to deal with. I have arthritis. I had that before cancer. I am only 46, and my body was already giving me grief before cancer. I have dealth with children who have been admitted to psychiatric hospitals as teenagers who didn't want to live. That was even harder than dealing with cancer because I have no control over their treatment. All of these experiences have contributed to making me who I am today. Cancer is just one of the many curveballs life has thrown at me.

Thankfully, I have not completely given in to the depression that constantly hovers over me. Yes, fears of recurrence and mets do consume me at times, but I also have fears for my child living in Ecuador, my dd in college, my almost 16 year old son, and my 7 year old. My dh is experienceing health issues. The question now isn't will be there for my child's high school graduation, but will he be there with me? What happens if both us get seriously ill? Who takes care of the kids then? What if my dd fails college and we are stuck with a nightmare load of college loans?

These are the things that make up our life. They all mold us into the people we are and are becoming. Cancer is just one of the many parts of the equation.

Wow, I can't believe I said all this. I'll be surprised if anyone even reads it, but it sure helped me think through some stuff, so if anything, thanks for that opportunity.

SoCalLisa

For me, I think I don't verbalize just how terrible my journey thru treatment has been because I am afraid I might scare someone who is newly diagnosed and may have a much easier time than I did.

hi5

Great responses!!!! I didn't take this thread to be one that we can blame cancer for all our problems. I do believe that the experiences we go through do change us and allow us to understand others more. Cancer does not define me, nor does any other experience in our lives. ( I had to get over the fact that my children did not define me either!!!)

What's that old expression "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"....It is quite possible that a lot of the health issues I am experiencing may have come about with or without cancer. I found that I have not felt anger, grief, resentment at getting cancer. It is another curve in this highway of life. At least with the cancer if I find out enough about it and do all I can to prevent a recurrence that's all I can do. I have had other extremely major setbacks to which there was no simple answer so cancer is not so bad for me... I guess the answer for me is to do all that I can...ie. I had bilateral mast., will have ovaries and uterus removed etc. Take care all.

SoapMaker

Cancer has taken the twinkle out of my eye. Cancer has turned my body into that of an old, old woman and I can't even run anymore. My bones are so bad (no mets) that somedays it is hard to walk. I suspect I will end up in a wheelchair. Cancer has scarred my body physically and my heart emotionally. I feel angry and I feel envious of those who can walk around like normal and not have to feel pain or worry about "when and if". I'm not as out going and tend to want to stay to myself.

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Where is the cure
www.truefacesofbreastcancer.org

Anonymous

Right now it's making me cry reading these posts.

I am so sorry that so many women are hurting emotionally, physically, financially.

I am sorry that some women can't "get" that not everyone can be as positive. It hurts to see bc sisters put down or disregard other bc sisters who are hurting. Perhaps they are reaching out. We each experience "life" differently.

I am not bitter about having this disease. I would have rather not experienced all the anxiety and fear that myself, my grown daughters and my dh husband have gone through. But with the help of God and my family I have made it thus far.

Badboob, I think your brain is working well.

bcinBC, I'm truly sorry you feel your daughter doesn't love you. That hurts! I wish I could give you a hug.

Shirley

BFidelis

I am one of the undead.  My life ended last September.  But I am one of the lying undead-- know how to answer "Fine!  Really Good!"  Just had my 22nd wedding anniversary.  Spent much of it trying to hide tears from family.  Can't speak of what we're planning for the 25th; my thoughts always start with "if I'm not dead...".  Heck, just made plans for a holiday break and DH reminded me to buy trip insurance.  I can never be without trip insurance.  Got surprised reaction from DH when he realized I was still taking anti-depressants.  I don't think I will ever not take them; I don't think I'll ever not be depressed.  Couldn't get through work if it weren't for anti-anxiety drugs.  My boss is trying every trick in the book to get me to request a change in position (out of management.)  He can't "demote" me, so he's trying to get me to demote myself.  Thanks for all that support.

Heard from an 'old friend' who dropped me like a hot potato after my dx.  I think she thinks it's 'safe' now as it has been a year and I should be 'over it.'  I sent back a cheery email that didn't mention a word about bc.  I'm being a sh*t; I am going to let her think everything is just hunky-dory.  Then I'm going to bounce her emails--just to make her freak out.  I'm tired of being nice.

 Don't know what I'd do withouth you all.  You are the only ones who continue to understand.

geebung

Bc has made me a lot more aware of my body - all the hidden parts that have cells dividing in them. Are they dividing the right way? Is my immune system working properly and devouring any rogue cells? Symptoms that I once would have ignored are now checked out asap. I'm having a colonoscopy in a couple of weeks, a suspicious looking mole is going to be cut off my back soon and I am wondering if I should have the CA125 test for ovarian cancer. Then it will be almost time for my first post dx breast screening and I want to have digital mammos and MRI.

I thought I would never get bc. I had my children young, breastfed each one for a long time, had a good, low fat diet, rarely drank alcohol, exercised regularly and had a positive outlook. I was lucky that my aggressive, grade 3 DCIS was caught before it infiltrated but I have lost a bit of faith in my body. My left breast was plotting against me so I got in first and had it eliminated! So I WON!

geebung

Harborwitch

When the doctor told me I had breast cancer he asked me if I had any questions; yes Doctor, just one - how soon can we get this out of me!  ASAP - I have friends who are expecting me to cook  the Thanksgiving dinner.

The journey began there; I had to ask for help cooking that dinner.  I had my second surgery just before Christmas, a dear friend (who is now a 20 year survivor) came and helped me decorate - a little bit not like usual.  

When the storms started all I could do was hold the sandbags while others filled them.  I couldn't help load the truck with filled bags, I couldn't help shovel the sand into the bags or stack them. 

New Years eve!  Friends were going to come over and we were going to celebrate the beginning of a new year and the future.  Instead - we spent the day preparing our residence for an impending flood.  3 days before the start of radiation we loaded our truck, parked one car on the bridge to the Island, and went to a friends house.   I know in the back of my mind that if I had been healthy I'd have been more help and we could have filled more bags, stacked them higher, and the Island wouldn't have flooded. It's a guilt that I haven't shared - anywhere but here.   I was so happy when we got to go "home" after the flood.  The residence stank from the river water.  We were lucky in so many ways - but rads 5 days a week (get up at 5 shower and get on the road by 6 to be there by 7am so that I could get home and be at work by 10) meant that I had no energy for the monumental cleanup that needed to be done.

A year and 12 days later I lost my job of 8 years, my place of residence, and all the wonderful people there.  The bc made me unable to focus on my job 150% like they expected (like I'd always done).  The side effects affected me - the nuclear meltdowns made people uncomfortable, I couldn't walk the whole marina at one time.  They had hired someone younger, stronger, and pretty (who knew nothing about boats!) to "help" me.  Yup!  She helped me right out of a job.  And I am angry - I loved that job! I loved getting up in the morning and seeing the river, the ducks and wildlife all around.  I loved the sunsets over the river, the geese flying overhead in the spring and the fall.  Now I get up and look at the house across the street - but, hey, I'm still on the right side of the dirt in the morning so all is not lost.

I'm tired of spending all of my husband's vacation days on doctors, hospitals, treatments, etc.  I want to take them and go walk on the beach - in the rain!  I'm tired of aching, sweating, limping like a 90 year old woman.  Instead of fighting like a maniac to maintain the image of the strong woman I am starting to give in to the fatigue and the pain.  My girlfriend (the survivor) says it will get better - I'll get my strength back, and I'll be my old self again!  But, not until the "c" word isn't constantly in my thoughts.  Will that ever happen?

Now I'm watching my youngest daughter trying to deal with her father's (my ex) small cell lung cancer (he was a non-smoker!).  Now she has to worry about the possibility of losing both of her parents.   That hurts me.  The greatest, most stabbing pain is that neither my mother or my brother have bothered to call and see if I'm alive since January 2006!  The cancer didn't take them away from me - it just showed me that they didn't care!  

I will get through this!  I have things I want to do with my life!  I've been married almost 16 years - and we promised each other a 40th anniversary party - I HAVE to be there, 83 is doable, isn't it.

Nancy101

Having bc has taught me to appreciate the good things in my life and to pray a lot more.  I always remind myself that no matter how hard I have it, someone else has it worse than I do.

However, having bc has also taught me who my friends and family really are.  I made it through treatment with the support of my two sons, a couple of close friends, and the lovely people on this board.  I don't always post much, but I do read and learn from everyone here. 

My family, however, is another story.  My mother died from bc about 25 years ago.  I believe that my brothers and sisters, who are all older than me, are in denial and they really don't want to know about bc or deal with it or me...maybe it's fear.   It's been over 6 months since I've heard from any of them.  

BC has taught me to surround myself with supportive people and to have very little contact with the "toxic" relationships that can cause me stress, even if those "toxic" relationships are from family. 

I always pray for all of us fighting this battle.  We will survive!  Blessings and hugs to all...

JoanofArdmore

I did fine.I'm an optimist.I'm cool.I did fine w/dx, did fine with surgery and healed very fast & well.I did fine with very hard chemo.I'm old, but I'm strong.I live alone, and took care of myself, dug my car out of winter snows, hauled cases of spring water home.

I BREEZED through rads.After chemo?Pshaw!

BUT!

The aromatase inhibitor (Femara)has knocked me for a loop.It has crippled me to the point of losing my life as I knew it.

I had to sell my house and basement studio, "retire", move to an elevated high-rise.

The fatigue is unbelievable.

I can't remember WORDS I'm trying to use.Or WHY I limped into the kitchen.

It is thinning my bones, raising my lipids, and my blood glucose.

It makes simple yearly visits to the gyno NIGHTMARES!The SPECULUM!!OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!And cant sit down for days afterward, or pee without great pain & burning.

It gives me such edema that my onc recently did a MUGA scan to make sure my heart is OK.(It is, although I dont see how, with all the fluid I'm carrying.)

I.Dont.Like.It.

I've been on it 3 and1/2 years.

And I'm afraid to be like so many and quit in favor of quality of life.

I DO want to be here.

But this is what having bc has done to me.

Sign me:Fatbelly

rumoret

1) Waking up each morning with anxiety......cancer popping into my mind. I take 1/2 an Ativan to start my day.



2) I will view a news story or a song that reminds me on how precious life is.....and then the tears begin.



3) I have aching legs and hips....that require me to take an Advil or a 1/2 a Vicoden for pain.



4) The pill taking is my constant reminder that I had breast cancer.



5) Having the courage to make plans for mini vacations with my husband.



6) Making sure I say "I love you to everyone......including all of you on this board."



7) The love of seeing my hair grow......but then I worry about what else might be growing.



8) The fact that not one day has passed without me thinking about my breast cancer.



9) Supporting in prayer my friend who is battling breast cancer that has gone to her lungs, my nephew that is on his second round with Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 27 with a newborn son. And my sister who is getting a scan today to check out her lymph nodes....she has major Epstein Barr. To many loved ones getting cancer........so it is so hard to get past this.................now I am crying again.......SH*T!



10) Wanting to meet other people who have had breast cancer in person.......but then afraid to take on all of their pain.........so I avoid.



11) Having thoughts of my funeral and then I get pissed off........because I am sure in the H*LL not ready to leave this world or my loved ones!



12) Becoming even more sensitive to other people around me........and sharing my smile more when I am in public. Explaining the extremely curly hair to the retail person when they look at my driver's license and see a woman with long straight hair. I actually like my curly hair better.....so I smile and say CHEMO CURLS! They have all be polite and say how much they like my hair better than the long one...so I smile back.



13) Never taking one second for granted..........trying to live..........feel..........smell........taste........and breathe everything NATURE is throwing at me. Trying to SLOW DOWN EACH DAY....making them last as long as possible.



14) Hope to be an inspiration to others......something that I always liked about myself.....so some things have stayed the same.



15) Loving my grandson.....born 1 year after finding my breast lump! God's gift to me......because he gives me the biggest reason to LIVE STRONG.



Love You All,

Terry Rumore

Babyface

I havent enough space nor time to write everything I feel about what having had breast cancer has done to me. Lets see, in 3 years, 6 surgeries,5 mri's , 6 biopsies(3 in the past month), countless mammos, ultrasounds, dr's visits, all related to either bc or the treatment effects of bc , and this is just the stuff AFTER my original surgery chemo and rads. Suffice to say that I am not one who has been able to find the silver lining in my diagnosis. Before BC, I maybe saw a Dr. once a year if I really needed a physical. Yes im still here but my life has changed so dramatically because of all my follow up problems from treatment that Ive had a very difficult time "getting back to life" I know many women who have said they now enjoy each day, and herein lies my problem. Pre-cancer dh and I really and truly did enjoy each day. I was strong, I was infallible, and didnt have a care in the world. We had a great lifestyle, travelled extensively, laughed all the time, and did not spend significant periods of time going from one doctor, one test to the next. I know I have been the exception with some many gd problems , and I know I should be grateful that I havent as of yet had a recurrence(although Im now going for more tests on a huge lump on my leg , but I want my old life back. Cancer stole it from me and I havent yet received restitution

Valsul

I have a raggedy scar where my right breast used to be.

I have lost 7 lymph nodes with 5 positive

I have lymphoedema

I have a PICC line permanently in my arm for the Hercpetin infusions which restricts my ability to bathe and shower very confidently.

I have white curly hair like the wild man of Borneo

My nails which used to be strong are weak and flaky

Fatigue plagues me

Arimidex gives me joint pain although my GP says none of his other patients on Arimidex complain - WTH?

I am trying not to give in to the fear that I won't see my daughter married or have grandchildren - these are not my decisions but my dearest wishes

Yes, I have done the spend-cos-I-have-cancer (bought a Mercedes car - again WTH!)

Yes, I have learned a lot through cancer but like everyone else I'm no Pollyanna and wish whatever life lesson I am supposed to learn I could have learned another less frightening way.

chelley

hate to say this but bc is not the worst thing that has happened to me.My husband's lymphoma and constant battle with gvh. my 33 year old nefrew with brain cancer, the loss of my own son just six years ago. the loss of parents, grandparents,cousins. what would make anyone think that they have a free pass from this desease?Cancer doesn't care if you are rich, poor, black, white, young, old, nice, mean. it isn't selective, and it is always waiting for yet another victim. The only thing it has taught me is to reach out to those new recruits who are scared and in pain. Help the caregiver with hints of what they need.I will hold anyone's hand and hug anyone that needs to be held. Thats what bc gave to me.....unconditional love for the human race.

ADK

This is what cancer has done to me:

I didn't sleep last night after I learned of Shellie's death on Wednesday.

It has hit me hard.  I don't know why - I didn't know her, I just saw her brave posts and her beautiful face and family in her avatar.  Why is it hitting me so hard?  Is it because I feel it is so unfair that someone like her who has everything to live for had to lose the war and I only had a skirmish?  Am I feeling survivor guilt?  Am I angry at the randomness of this disease?  I am 18 months out from dx, will I have a war to fight in a few months?  I guess it is the uncertainty of this disease - I could go through the rest of my life without another skirmish or I could be in the trenches within a few months.  I hate uncertainty.  And I hate unfairness - everyone we have lost to this disease was taken unfairly.  I may never be able to sleep again. 

chelley

i have to agree, several things happen in our lives that we can't ever get over, bc may not be as bad as some think, not as bad as loosing a child, i would just as soon die....Not as bad as watching a child die from the many arays of cancer. Not as bad as...of course its not as good as a root canal or a crushed pelvis, but not as bad....

beachmomma

I think that I must be an exception here on the board in that, although I have Stage IV with mets to the bone, I have not told a single sole, including my husband or children the current state of my cancer.  Right at this moment I am doing well.  I have some SE from taking AI but they are manageable and I get through the day quite well.  Will this change, maybe...probably, and if it does, then that will be the time I will sit down with my family and discuss the future.  Right now, I figure the best gift that I can give to them is a few more months or years not sharing my pain and fear.  Is this total unselfish?  Of course not, since I don't particularly care to have anyone, family including treating me any differently than they have in the past.  This is very important to me right now, as it helps me carry on through the most difficult times.

For me it is important not to personal this cancer.  It is not a human, it is only a disease, and as such I can't hate it, I can only do what I can do to try to overcome it.  I try very hard not to take ownership of this cancer.  I don't refer to it as my cancer, as I don't feel that it is any way mine or a part of me.
My particular faith is based on the fact that God does not create illness and has given each and every one of us the ability to self-govern our bodies.
Easier said than done, Huh?  But I keep this thought close to me and it does seem to help me at those times when I am most fearful.  Hope is always good, but belief is even better, or in the case of illness, lack of belief.  I strive to be in a place where I no longer even believe in this disease or any other.
I don't know if I will ever get there, and I don't know what impact it would have on my long term prognosis, but I do know that I am able to function emotionally and physically by holding on to this thought.