Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

Thank you all for your calm and your kind words. I just need to get all this off my chest (no pun intended). I am sure I will get over it, regardless of how it looks in the end, mostly because I HAVE to. The only way to “fix” an imperfect result is to try with more surgery and I am pretty sure that I will NOT be doing that. No chance of me getting addicted to cosmetic surgery . My new strategy is not to look at it for a while, and maybe it will be better when the swelling goes down. I am sure that you are all right…I am totally stressed, and was not so hip to the whole idea in the first place so of course I am not blown away with how it looks. As you all know, I had many doubts as to how right this route was for me, but of course by the time I realized I had doubts it was too late. If another person tells me that “of COURSE you had to reconstruct” I am going to punch them in the nose.

Skye, my misery never likes company, because I do not like anyone else to be miserable….so lets just have me be miserable for both of us. I will take up fretting for you where I left off last time. I am quite good at it…let me know if you feel your load lifting as a result of my (loving) efforts.

I am not sure if I will make chat tonight, as I will likely be in transit from gymnastics. I am back to normal schedule today…lots of running around. I made Frances stay with me this evening (she often goes to see her friend Sarah in the PM) so that she could lift and carry for me. I was going to make pasta for us to eat, brought my pot to the sink, filled it with the hose and then realized that I was not allowed to pick it up…nor was I going to ask Frances to drain a pot of boiling water when it was done. It is still sitting there because I could not lift it to empty it out. We had leftovers instead. Sigh. The indignity of it all. PS told me THREE WEEKS at least of lifting restrictions, although I am allowed to drive my car as long as I do not take my pain meds. I took my last one last night…I may take one at bedtime tonight to help me sleep, but they are offlimits now during the day since I have to be able to get around and I am pretty much on my own. The pain is not all that bad…but I feel like a wrung out paper towel right now…..and I still have to get Ana from gymnastics and DH from the train station. My dear friend did my food shopping for me today, though so that was one thing I did NOT have to do.

Well I have to head out now. I love you all, and I am grateful for each of my very special sisters every day.

Oh Rebecca, it will be ok. I remember when I first looked at my mastectomy incisions, I thought I'd die! Now it's healed and the look of it doesn't bother me at all. In a few short months I bet you'll look at yourself and be very happy with the results!

Skye, that's terrible that you had such a rotten day ... let us know the results, and we are all sending positive thoughts your way. I wonder if a "normal" ache or pain will ever feel normal to us again? Will we always think it's a sign of cancer?

Very long day yesterday. We are leaving for vacation this weekend and I am looking forward to Sat; we aren't leaving til Sunday, and I really need a day to catch up around here, and a morning to start slowly, instead of heading off to work at 5:30 am!

The edema is still there, still aches, still wearing flip flops. I may call the dr today, though I called twice about ten days ago, and no reply. That really made me mad. My ankles and feet are sore, itchy, red, swollen, but since it isn't foot cancer, the onc is not interested. Esp since he doesn't agree it's from taxol. Grrrrrr ....

Rebecca, I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

OK, off to work.

Melia

Quote:

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I was more freaked out that my belly button was removed during TRAM surgery. I had no idea! I looked down and was like what the hell??!!! This isn't my belly button! Really freaked me out.

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OMG Tina…they take off your belly button?!?! How terrible! AND THEY DIDN”T TELL YOU? I would have completely flipped out when I woke up. Did they make you a phony one?

Glad you are home…we missed your special something on this list.

And yes…I am still very bugged out by what was done to my healthy nipple. The whole breast feels very funny now…nipple is numb, skin is tight and also numb. Looks awful. I did take my shower last night, and the hardest thing was being naked and having to look at it. I can not bring myself to touch it…and I am told that I have to massage it twice a day for the rest of my life starting in a few weeks to prevent capsular contracture. YUCK. I am not sure if anyone in my life here in NJ understands my horror at what has happened to me, or why I am so disturbed and disgusted by the results of my surgery. I have been trying to figure out why I am so upset, and I think that part of it might be that I did this so I would be able to forget (for short periods) this trauma in my life….i would not have to have a thing in my bra, could wear any bathing suit I want, and not worry about a low cut dress. I find, however, that I am reminded every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror (naked or not) and I see someone else standing there. I have focused a lot on the nipple (poor mutilated thing) but I guess I have to pick something…..I am going to trust my sister Caya, who has been there before me and wait to see if it is just swollen and will go back to something resembling normal. In the meantime I am trying not to look, and trying to keep busy so I do not think about it too much. Every time I do, I start to cry. Funny how this is bothering me MORE than the mastectomy did. I never cried over my lost breast…I rationalized it as a sacrifice I made so that I could live. I am having trouble rationalizing this surgery on my healthy breast. Ah well.

Mary.... LOVED your pics! Your house/patio are exquisite! I love that stuff... go to all Parade of Homes I can, model home centers. I have photo albums filled w/pics of prof. decorated interiors, landscaping, etc.

Rebecca,

I will reconfirm what I told you on chat last night - as I had the breast reduction which as you all know was when my PS found the cancer -my boobs were very swollen and hard at first - the nipples/aureola were harder too, but everything calmed down - the boobs sort of "fell" ( and softened) and the nipples/aureola also became more natural looking. Of course the right boob came off 8 weeks later - funny, after years of thinking about doing it, and then finally doing it - well, you all know what happened.

Tina, glad you are back, we missed you girl! Thanks for the compliments on my wall units/decorating.

And some good news today - my younger DD got her residence offer for university - of course we are thrilled - and she got her first choice - a converted hotel, so she gets a private room/bath and a queen size bed. Finally, a break.

I'll try to check in later, hope everyone is having a good day.
caya

Skye, glad to hear it's "only" a torn rotator cuff. Doesn't that sound awful? I know those are/can be excruciatingly painful. But, God, ANYTHING but cancer. It's amazing how your perspective changes.

Caya, glad to BE back. I missed my daily chats! I can see myself here, still doing this in ten years... nobody gets us like us!

Well, I had a most fun day. The kids left the freezer open on yet another popsicle run...it was open for several days before the DH discovered it. He shut it and refroze the poison food. So today I had to throw out a good $75 worth of food, leave the freezer door open so the chicken juices could defrost (that were covering the entire bottom of the freezer)...then wipe out the entire thing w/bleach. This on top of unpacking 3 suitcases. Ick. Went to my echocardiogram and this time I didn't even ask how it was: last time I got "it pretty OK". I've learned. Don't ask. I see Shapiro tomorrow so I'll get my answers then. Was able to squeeze a run into Trader Joe's for some replacement organic frozen food... so I'm good for groceries for a few days. A big feat these days even getting the kids to run to Kroger w/me for a quick trip. GOD FORBID! A friend may call to play!

Oh Tina, what a welcome home party you had! I've had that same problem with my 27-year old -- also going for popsicles. But I've so far discovered the door ajar in time to avert disaster. Total sympathies for having to clean that gunk and lose all your food.
That same ds is going to be house-sitting while dh and I are gone this week so we are keeping fingers crossed. He's always been a bit absent-minded. Smart but on the forgetful side. His teachers called him "the absent-minded professor." So we are hoping everything is still standing when we get home. He also tends to leave the living room looking like rock stars have partied there. But I told him if I came home and found the house a wreck it would totally negate my whole vacation,, so he has promised to keep things up.
Tina I can also see us still doing this in ten years, altho the technology by then will probably have us all on video phones. Will we still be comparing our hairdos?
I have another question for snorkeler gals...is there a way to keep your money etc. dry without buying a $20 waterproof waist pak? Zip-lok Baggies?
Dh and Ds are both in Chicago for the day obtaining a passport for Dh. I'm just packing and watching the hurricane developments.... - Skye

Hi all,
I am alright. I will hopefully be coming home tomorrow. All went well. There was a little scare but everything came out fine. At first they couldn't hear the pulse from one of my breasts. They thought they would have to go back to operating room. For some reason the pulse moved around more than normal. They did locate it, so all is well. Also, my heart rate elevated, but that also went back to normal. I am very tired. I guess I lost a lot of blood and I needed 3 blood transfusions -one Tuesday and 2 yesterday.
I am wondering if I had waited longer after chemo, I might not have had these problems. The good news is that now all is well and I will be going home tomorrow. They give Diep patients private rooms, so my dd slept over last night- hence the computer.
I am so excited. My dd got A's in both Anat and Physiology and microbiology. Whew!!!
I will write tomorrow when I return home.
Viddie

So glad to hear from you Viddie!!!! Glad you are doing well and that everything turned out OK. Can't wait until you are feeling better and can fill us in on more details.

Viddie - glad you posted. I hope you are feeling well - don't worry, you will build up your strength and everything will "fall into place" - pun intended.
Hope the girls are gorgeous.
all the best
caya

Viddie, so glad to hear from you. You've really been on my mind, but I'm so glad you are on the mend, and that your scare was no more than a scare. Too bad you needed the blood transfusions, but they do tell us that going in, so it's not a big surprise. I'm sure you'll feel a lot better for having had them. Congrats to your dd on her A's - that's great!

Melia, did you try calling your internist instead of the oncologist? You really shouldn't be having to put up with this for so long, and it really seems like your oncologist doesn't care, at this point. Maybe if you told him it WAS foot cancer...?

Tina, glad you're back - it's just not the same without you! Sorry about the freezer disaster - last thing you needed, right? Hope you got good news today about your echo.

Caya, so glad to hear about your dd getting her first choice of residence. It sounds so nice - especially the single room part of it! Things have changed so much since I went to college....and I so wish I could go back and do that all again, living in the dorm, etc. lt was such a magical time for me. I've always wanted to repeat the experience.

Skye, glad/sorry about the rotator cuff. I was hoping you would find out it was something like a spur that they could fix easily with a scope, but no such luck.....but on the other hand, it isn't bone mets! When do you leave on your trip? The weather doesn't seem to be cooperating, does it? I'm starting the stock up process in case we get the hurricane (Dean, I think) in here. We're pretty well supplied, except for batteries, water, etc. I hate, hate, hate the hurricane season. Have never been through one, though I know it's a matter of time if we don't move out of here soon. Can't run away this year because of rads, darn it - otherwise, I'd just get out now and leave Larry here to watch the house. Anyway, I hope it doesn't interfere with your cruise! I think that a good ziplock bag would probably keep your money dry enough - I wouldn't pay for a special pouch for it. Worst case scenario, it gets a little damp. I don't think I took money snorkeling, but dh did, and I think he just put it in plastic.

I nearly didn't get home from rads today - we're getting such heavy rains from the first storm that it was flooding. A block from home I drove through water that was waaaay to deep to drive through, but I just held my breath and kept going and I made it. Am hoping to go out to dinner with some friends tonight for my birthday, if weather doesn't ruin our plans.

I'll probably miss chat tonight. Maybe not though - I'll check in if I can.

Love you all.

Mel,
Why do you think you will have a recurrance? I missed that. and I should call my internist; if the onc doesn't call back today, I will. I guess I just keep thinking it will get better, and it has, but so slowly, and I still ache so much. It's getting old.

Melia

Hey Ladies,
Viddie, a huge relief to hear from you again. We understand if you aren't up to much for a while but it sounds like everything will be beautiful.
Lynn, glad to hear from you again, too. Thanks to you and everyone on the congrats for my torn rotator, LOL! Who'd ever have thought it would be cause for celebration? I don't know what will be done for it yet, I suppose the onc will refer me to a specialist.
Mel, I think the second op will ease your mind and the younger onc sounds good.
Melia you have a good vacation too!
Don't know If I'll make chat or not tonight but I'll check in sometime tomorrow, either before we leave or in Tampa tomorrow night. Sending my best healing and happy vibes to you all - Skye

Hooray, Viddie! You did it! Glad you are getting a few days rest in the hospital. You really need it after all that. It's tough stuff.

I'm very relieved... I had good news at the onco's office today. I showed them my hardened tissue on the recon'd breast and they did an ultrasound...today. My heart was pounding as the technician measured/clicked whatever it was she was looking at inside me... it was way too reminiscent of when I got dx'd. Then I had to wait a half hour or so for a radiologist to come in and she wanted to glimpse at it with the transducer too. It was major deja vu. She ultimately said that the concrete section on the inner cleavage area is literally my "six pack ab muscle". The other, newer area that thickened is muscle as well... they see either a cyst or seroma in there, but said they have no way to tell which and it really doesn't matter. So all is well. My blood counts were good, which was surprising because I'm pretty tired from all my running around. It's always that way w/me though. Then I'll go in feeling great and something's not right... oh well. For today, all is good!

And, last but not least...my echo score was 60. So, I'm about the same as when I began Herceptin. I have 8 more Herceptins to go...x 3 weeks brings me to Feb. I thought I was done in Jan. Whatever. Caya, I know I asked you this, but I forget the answer...are you getting 90 minutes of Herceptin every 3 weeks?

We discussed Zoladex shots but you have to get them monthl and they are very painful. I am so not up for that, esp. after the sentinel node biopsy shots. I am shot phobic now. My dr. said skip the BRCA testing, but go to the gyno for a vaginal ultrasound due to my two spotting episodes this month while on Tamox. I am going to discuss having my ovaries out. At this rate, after 5 yrs. of Tamox I'll still be premenopausal and I really want that added benefit that Femara gives with preventing recurrence...and I can't have that until I'm post menopause. Rebecca, I recall you saying you were switching to an AI after two years... you're a lot younger than me... how are you doing that?

Mel, I had those same feelings about recurrence soon after finishing chemo... I felt like it wasn't a question of if, but when... that's eased up for me as of late, thank God.

Skye, have a great time on your trip. Hope the weather is good. Melia, you too...no weather concerns in Calif. I saw these plastic tubes on a string that you could throw around your neck to hold $, keys, etc. at Canobie Lake Park in NH last week...very inexpensive. Had I known.... Lynn, good to hear from you. Sounds like life is returning to normal w/the all clear for work stuff. Hey, my son went to his first Sox game at Fenway Monday night..against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. He loooooooooved it. He was freaked out, though, by the turnstiles on the MBTA. They slammed shut on him and he fell and was howling. Def. not a city boy.

OK...gonna catch a re-run of Ugly Betty. Looooove that show. Can't wait for it to return.