Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

Mel I thought your hair looked lovely in the photo so I'm not surprised you want the s&p back. I'm using the wash-out stuff too and it softens very quickly anyway. DS is still bugging me to dye the sides some more.
Nandy you have a LOT of hair! And nice curls. Experiencing hair envy here...
Viddie, you will be so covered in good thoughts from everyone here tomorrow that things are bound to go well. Thanks for having someone check in with us to let us know. You will soon have two fab girls.
Goldenmom, three trims already? Please do post a pic.
I took a deep breath this morning and went to church wigless for the first time. You must understand this is a small town, very conservative congregation that gave me very little support, just some get well cards and that was all, and then comments like, "so you're over it all now?". But it was so hot out I put on a girly skirt and big earrings and went. I saw lots of wide-eyed looks, but then a young woman I had never seen there before came in and had the exact same length hair! She spied me right away. She had her hair dyed black and had a lightning bolt shaved into the top. She was only in her 20s and I didn't know if she had chemo so after church I told her I loved her hairdo, and she looked at mine and laughed. Then she said her mother does hers for her. ??? So I still don't know why she has it that short but it felt like we were sent there for each other. So now I'm pondering shaving some symbol into mine. Any suggestions? - Skye

Skye - a sea monster would be nice!!!! (I hope you're kidding?) I do believe going through this makes us more open to other people and other ways of life!

Skye, I vote sea monster!

Absolutely beautiful Mary! I love it! That table top is so divine I would put it inside my house!

Well good morning to you all ladies!

I have been thinking about Viddie since I woke up this morning….I am sending warm fuzzy vibes her way.

Melia it sounds like you are having a blast working on the wedding…and I am SO GLAD! I think that if you do not have some fun planning it, it is not worth having. It really sounds like you are having a wonderful bonding experience, and the fact that you realize that it is about HER not YOU speaks volumes about what kind of Mom you are. HUGS to you….you are the best!

I spent most of the day OFF pain meds yesterday…made it until about 4:30, and then had to take one because I felt the pain sneaking back in. Took another before bed, but nothing yet this morning. Drove DH to the train this AM like I usually do…another step towards normalcy. I only used one hand to drive…right side feels MUCH better than the left. I think it is because the right side was really just an implant exchange, all the setup work was done at the time of my mast…but the left side was virgin boob, so it is like raw meat in there. It still hurts a bit, and makes a strange noise when I move my arm in certain ways (rather disturbing, really….but I imagine it is just air trapped in the dressing…rather like an armpit fart). I have been trying very hard NOT to sweat with the bandages on, but it has been a losing battle. My fear is that my sweat will make the dressing wet and it will grow fungus or something. YECK. Dry dressings and tamoxifen do not really mix I think. Well, the PS looks at it tomorrow, so my life will hopefully be much better tomorrow afternoon (and I get a gander at the girls, which will be nice).

Here is something funny….after my surgery the Dr gave DH a little card for me to hold on to. It is a PRODUCT REGISTRATION CARD complete with serial numbers for my boobs. Tee hee. Somehow it tickles my funnybone that I have a warranty on my fake mammary glands. I sure hope that they do not recall THIS product, because I suspect that returning them to the company is not as simple as just taking them back to BJs.

Today my SIL has said that she will help me ferry the kids around, which is nice, but in order to obtain the help I have to pack everyone up and head about an hour north of here for the day. She wants to have us all at the house for the day to swim etc, which sounds very nice, except for the sweat factor for me. I like the help, but I wish that it did not have to be on HER terms like that. Would have been nice to have someone HERE for a bit considering I am pretty helpless right now…can not even take the watermelon out of the fridge much less cut it....no laundry baskets….can not push the vacuum….not even supposed to hold the coffee pot or the gallon of milk for gosh sakes so how am I supposed to feed my kids?!?!? Needless to say I have been unable to follow the PS instructions regarding weight limits to the letter….I have picked up the milk and the coffee carafe, but NOT the watermelon or the vacuum cleaner. Feeling a little frustrated….maybe I should take the percocet just so I can dull my senses a bit and make this easier to bear.

Oh boy that is rambly….my English professor would have a hairy about that one…I can hear it echoing in my brain….”one idea, one paragraph” oh WAIT! That’s ME!!

Nancy!!!

Take that teeny little pill! It is nothing, really. If you have hot flashes already, you won't even notice a difference.

As for getting new boobs...awww shucks....i am just too chicken to go without!

Rebecca - glad to hear you are doing well - take it easy and make sure others do the heavy lifting for you. It's too easy to over do the mom stuff.

Nancy - I'm terrified NOT to take the tamoxifen.

I haven't been posting much - but have read everything. Work has been really, really busy - which is good. I'll try to make the chat tomorrow, but not sure if I can. I will be able to chat on Thursday.

This is a poor quality camera phone picture - but I wanted to show you all how much FUN I had this weekend (I'm in the light blue shirt). This climbing wall opened near my house last year and I've been wanting to go climbing since then. However before I got the chance I was diagnosed, had surgery, blah, blah, blah ... well this weekend I finally picked up a pair of climbing shoes and went. I had a blast! For 45 minutes I was totally focused on climbing and for the first time in ages I didn't think about anything cancer related at all. It was a wonderful experience. I can't wait to go again.

Jan that looks so fun. Does it take a lot of strength? You must be in good shape.
Rebecca I like Caya's line, just telling people you can't drive or whatever right now. Why COULDN'T that SIL come to your place? Wish I lived close enough to whip up a few casseroles for you. Would it help to buy the milk in quarts for a while? And don't worry about being the English prof with us...let those paragraphs bulge and the participles dangle. Lord knows any of my editors would have fits if they saw my stream-of-consciousness posts, but luckily they cannot.
Melia the wedding prep sounds like a blast, and something to always remember. Hope you find a gorgeous dress!
Nancy, go get a glass of water and start popping Tamox. I'm a little worried myself because my onc is waiting to start me on the Femara til after the 27th. I'd like to be getting that protection. Your comment about what we take for granted reminded me of another incident that happened at church Sunday. A lady came up to me afterward and said, "Well, your hair is very short." I said to her, "When something is taken completely away, you become grateful for a very little of it." And that is so true!
Today I went to the post office and got another turtle face from someone I know who was there. I think seeing my hair like this kind of forces people to realize and think about the fact that I did go through something horrendous. I've started thinking of it as my survivor badge of honor.
Anyway, Rebecca let us know what you think of the girls' new look, and I hope we hear from someone at Viddie's soon too. - Skye

Nancy - I really think that people who have not been through this really don't get it. For me this is never over. I'll always worry. Others, I think, assume that once treatment is over that we are done. But we are living with the reality of this every day - either dealing with our bodies or dealing with the fear of recurrence or both. I can't really blame them for not understanding. I didn't either before I went through this.

Skye - if rock climbing took strength I wouldn't have done it. Girls are the best climbers (IMO) because we tend to be more flexible and balanced. If you have really good technique (I don't) you can depend more on leg strength and balance. Unfortunately I ended up using my arms too much and they hurt like crazy for about 24 hours afterwards. I spent all day Sunday paranoid about lymphedema and slept with my arm propped up just in case that might help. Well, I survived without any problems and can't wait to go back. I think I'll try to take some classes so I can work on my form more.

Rebecca - when do the bandages come off?

Good Morning all,
Jan, I am flabbergasted; you have indeed moved past illness, at least to a large extent. I always watch those climbing walls but have never tried one. Good for you!

Rebecca, I too wish we could all help you. I really don't think other people get it. I think Jan is right; I sure didn't understand before I went thru it. In a way, I am kind of glad that people have stopped asking how I am. I felt that most of my support came right here, and the few people I told, in large part, kind of let me down. Husband and kids were great, but other than that, I felt kind of neglected anyway. I was so consumed by the shock and fear that I don't know if anyone could have met my standards anyway. I am just glad now to be able to mull on it quietly, to think it through and try to come to terms with it, and to have this forum to help me.

Nancy, I am triple neg but sure wish there were a pill I could take ... Mel is serious, she is going to fly to you and force feed you!

Skye, your response to the hair comment is perfect. I am so grateful for my gray fuzz, it's kind of pathetic.

The wedding ... thanks for all the nice comments. Anne is such a funny girl. Jill's (our older girl) wedding was a bit more traditional; no bqt toss or garter, but she did the cake cutting, had the minister, very traditional, lovely vows. One of the most precious memories I have of hers is her new husband's welcoming speech. My husband is shy and didn't want to do it so our son in law did. He started by saying that he and Jill "were humbled" by the show of love and support everyone made by attending. I loved that phrase. We had fun doing Jill's and are enjoying the prep for Anne's too. It's weird when they marry b/c then you don't get them alone much, but I am so glad they have found mates that we all love.

Ok, long day ahead. I have to go to a meeting about two hours away. My son and his girlfriend are cooking tonite though; they met in the Peace Corps in Mauritania, and are cooking a Mauritanian meal. Should be interesting.

Melia

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Skye, did the lady think she was giving you some news, that your hair was short?? >>
Mel, LOL! I should have acted surprised. :-) I can't believe your friend said she didn't want to see you without your wig. I think it just makes people too uncomfortable to have to acknowledge what we went through, and the hair is the most visible sign of that. I do wish you would have whipped it right off. - Skye

Duh...meant to say NOT TO judge, should have read post before sending. - Skye

Rebecca I have to believe that once everything settles down and starts to heal that it will look and feel much, much better. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, it just sounds horrible. You are so tired and stressed. Please try to get some rest.

Oh, Rebecca, (((((((BIG HUGS))))))). I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I agree with the others, exhaustion and stress are probably at the root of your feelings. You had really "had enough" before you even had this surgery - you were ambivalent going in, didn't really want to have to do it, so it's not surprising that you are less than ecstatic about your results. I am sure that you are swollen, since it's only been a few days, and in the weeks to come you will begin to see what your PS was going for. It's just too soon, now. What really sucks is that none of us are going to get exactly what we want, which is an unmutilated body, untouched by breast cancer and its treatments. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but you've been through a lot, and with the added task of raising young children thrown into the mix, you've probably had a harder time than some of us. So it's not whining. That's why we're all here - vent all you want.