Just need to vent

nowheregirl · July 2007

As a 100% happy-go-lucky woman, I usually don't take offense that often. But today I did. I was talking to an old friend about how this disease made me feel self-conscious about myself, extra pounds, lopsided boobs, scars etc and how that made it hard to date a guy. She said "Oh don't be silly! Who cares in the dark?".
Well I did know that she didn't mean to be rude nor did she mean to be offensive but "Who cares in the dark"??? Does that mean I shouldn't be in the light when I enjoy the intimacy? Am I too gross to be seen in the light?

Maybe I was just being sulky. Maybe it's wrong of me to take offense from what she said. But it certainly made me feel miserable.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs,

rumoret · July 2007

Some of our closest friends and families will sometimes say things that they have no idea how it will be felt by us. Like you said she was not trying to be rude. I guess we have to believe in ourselves and our bodies and treat it with love that we deserve. I think of all of the soldiers who are coming back with battle scars........I would not turn my eyes away from their scars. So when I look at my mastectomy scar (no reconstruction), I think of lossing my breast in battle. I think about the soldiers who are loosing arms and legs and then I am at peace with my own scar. I will never be ashamed of my scar and no breast. In fact....from day one I have shared my scar and my fake boobs with all my family members. I want them to be comfortable when they see me and when they see the ONE BOOB me walking around the house.

So KEEP THE LIGHTS ON TIMTAM.

Love,
Terry

rumoret · July 2007

FOR ALL MY SISTERS

Perfect Imperfection
Melissa Bachara

I am a contradiction
a perfect imperfection
On looking in from outside
I think Id pass inspection

My nails are neat, each hair in place
My clothes the latest styles
But look a little closer,
And you can see my trials

The window to my balanced soul
Is stained from too much smoke
A birds eye view down at my heart
Will clearly show its broke

My best intentions lead to pain
And complicated messes
My head is filled with wishes,
My decisions second guesses

There was a time I tried to hide
each wrinkle, scar and tear
But Im learning to appreciate
That Im more than I appear

Each wrinkle tells a story
The path from there to here
Ive earned a little wisdom
With every falling tear

My soul will soar in brilliant skies
But then Ill need to rest
The embers of my passion
Still smolder in my chest

Perhaps Ill let my hair go wild
And skip the manicure
Ill wear my favorite color
Theyll say "Hey, look at her"

My hair, my heart, my clothes, my soul
Will walk in one direction
No longer contradicting
My perfect imperfection

Love, Terry

Beesie · July 2007

Fumi, I actually laughed when I read your post. Not because of your frustration but because of how I interpreted your friend's comment. I don't know her so this of course could be wrong, but the first thing that came to my mind when I read her comment was that she has some hang-ups so she always keeps the lights out and assumes that everyone else does too. I didn't interpret her comment to mean that you should change your approach from keeping the lights on before you had BC to now turning them off since you've had BC. I figured she just assumed that they've always been off.

I mean, really, there are people who keep the lights on when they are making love?!?

nosurrender · July 2007

Fumi,
I would have taken it the same way. it kind of touches a nerve that hits right to the heart of why we feel self-conscious.

I don't think she meant to hurt you though. I just think she didn't think.

My very good friend came over the other day and was actually CRYING in front of me because she hated the way her colorist did her hair. I wanted to say AT LEAST YOU HAVE HAIR! But I didn't. I believe she also didn't THINK before she spoke.

I don't think you should pay it any mind. I dated with lumpectomied, lopsided boobs and was intimate and honestly he did not notice and if he did, he didn't care. Men want the whole package- and that includes who you are inside... not just the wrapping.

Beesie- you crack me up!

Love,
g

Shirlann · July 2007

Hi Fumi,

Honey, I frequently "shoot from the hip" (this is a western saying meaning 'speaking without thinking'".

I bet this is what happened to your friend. Trying to be funny and hurting your feelings.

You are lovely, and would not want any man that just looks at looks anyway. It is hard to just ignore the thoughtless comments, especially from a friend, but you must. True love, which you want, will come to you. It will not depend on any thing that can be seen, it will be your hearts and minds that connect.

Love you, honey, Shirlann

djd · July 2007

Sometimes people say stuff and they have NO IDEA how it can hurt us. The two most hurtful comments I heard throughout my journey were from my Mom and my brother.

Mom: "Who cares if your boobs don't match - it's not like you are a stripper or anything!"

Brother: [When I asked him if he wanted to see my bald head.] "NO! That's like someone asking me if I want to see their scar!"

Those two comments stung worse than anything, but I know that they both love me with all their heart and neither of them would want to hurt my feelings. It was easier to forgive my mom than my brother, but I did decide to forgive them both and never confronted either of them.

In short, you absolutely have the right to be offended - in fact, I don't believe anyone requires "permission" to be offended by a comment.

Whether it's a "deal-breaker" in your relationship with this girl is something to think about. I honestly don't believe she intended to be hurtful, though.

I sure wish you success in the dating game, Z. Maybe if you have some success, I'll be inspired to give it a go, too!

hugs,
D

Chattypatti · July 2007

I would have felt offeneded to. She invalidated your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. I doubt she realized how it sounded, but if she's a close friend, you might mention it. If not, ignore and move on so it doesn't swallow you up. I've had to swallow a lot of heartless comments from folks since this disease reared its ugly head. I now try to be overly-sensitive to others! ((((HUGS))))

Poppy · July 2007

Oh Zilla, I would've felt the same way. I'm sure that your friend didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure she was trying to minimize the subject but instead she magnified it. The scars and wrinkles and lopsidedness is all part of the new 'us' and hopefully, eventually, we will all be comfortable in our new bodies. I love you!
Erica

Ter · July 2007

Hi Fumi,
I dont blame you, and it doesnt even sound like you, but we all have our feelings, as I probably would feel like that too....kind of glad Im married, to not have to worry about issues like that so to say in this day and age, which is also a factor, with so many women having BC, and there are men out there who are compassionate and want what is the good stuff which comes inside the heart.

But that ole friend of yours, well, not just thinking of her, but tons of women who wont have intiment moments even with their spouses due to many issues....You have so much going for you, that when the right man comes along, and if he is a decent guy, it just wont matter to him...remember there is a reason for everything...and maybe somewhere along the line, he too had been through a situation like that along his journey of life (sister, aunt etc) and is a decent guy...as that is what you deserve "a decent one".

hugs
Ter

wallan · July 2007

Oh boy.... I don't think your friend meant any harm. She just wasn't thinking... she was trying to be supportive.

But I think when you haven't been there, you don't know what its like. And I don't think your friend knows what it is like to have gone what you went thru. So she lacks total empathy.

Sorry you felt hurt. Did you tell her that??

HUGS
WEndy A

Fitztwins · July 2007

Funny how simple statements set us off. I read a blog how somebody with MS rather have cancer. I thought WTF? Who would wish to have cancer.

I think until someone walks in our shoes, they have no idea do they?

Janis

P.s. I like it dark.

rrs · July 2007

Vent all you like - that is what we are here for.

nowheregirl · July 2007

Thank you for all the encouragement and letting me vent.

Yes I did email her and told her how her comment hurt my feeling while I did know she wasn't being hurtful or mean. Then guess what? After I was back home from work last night at 11pm, someone rang the intercom. I was like "WTF? Who is coming? Do they ever know what time is it now???" It was her. She travelled all the way from Tokyo (which is an hour and a half away from my place by air!) just to apologize to me. She could have just emailed me but she didn't because she wanted to say how sorry she was in person. What a great friend she is! Now I feel so blessed to have her as a friend. I told her to stay with me and wait for me until I finish work tonight but she returned to her home this morning as she had to go work. She made such a long trip just to apologize me! Who could do that really?

Hugs,

bonny1963 · July 2007

I am glad your friend apologized to you. I think people do speak without thinking. My "best" friend commented to me when I said I felt like I was able to take a few steps forward (after a good mammo and pap) that "it's about time". I felt like "Sorry to inconvenience you while I have been fighting for my life." I didn't say anything to her. Just moved on. If I had said something she would get upset and probably not speak to me for a while. Go figure. I am really glad your friend is such a good friend.
Bonny

Poppy · July 2007

Fumi, what a wonderful friend! I know she must feel terrible about this and I'm so glad that the two of you put this behind you in such a lovely way. Now... if I ever hurt your feelings don't expect ME to do the same thing! lol It'd take me a little longer to get there
LOVE
Erica

Just need to vent

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