Unsupportive husband

Fit999 · March 2007

Hey everyone,
I was dx in late Dec 2006 with IDC and DCIS in my right breast. 3 surgeries later, I am in the process of reconstruction from mastectomy and will start chemo and herceptin next month. Im 40, married, work full time, no kids. So those are my stats. My issue is my husband. From my view point he is not compassionate, does what is required for me post surgery, but never really cares for me. Rarely asks how the pain is or how Im doing. Gets mad at me when Im have a meltdown because Ill loose my hair or a few other times. Its like he doesnt care. He hasnt read any of the pamphlets or paperwork that have been given us, hasnt done any research on the internet. He works w/Doctors and asked them all for references for surgeons etc, but these drs arent cancer drs. They dont know much about what Im going through. DH does attend all my dr appointments, but sometimes its grudgingly. But to look at him, life is normal. He still expects me to do everything I did before. He doesnt offer to p/u my meds or grocery shop. He has cooked some dinners, but not that many. Its just life as normal. He pay bills and shovels the driveway. Nothing has changed.

Does anyone have any insight or similar behavior? Any guys out there?

PS. I do know that he loves me and is terrified and hes not an emotional, affectionate guy to begin with.

thanks.

cher · March 2007

oh I am so sorry....my husband was freaked and he still is...but through surgery and treatments he was there...I always had melt downs on the way to chemo saying I could not do it again...he made me...he also gave me needles...he shaved my head....and I even cancelled our wedding until I got my hair back and finished reconstruction....I think men in general get scared and shut down...some live in denial.....I am sorry your hubby is not more supportive...could you talk to him about it? HUGS

mgs · March 2007

Are we married to the same person?

I keep wondering if he gets it, but I am trying to keep things as normal as possible myself. Personally I know that sometimes I am pretty hard on him, like this week I totally freaked out that he was being an ass about having to wait around for a bed to be delivered. I was like, if you can't handle this little responsibilty -- how are you going to support me through cancer. But you know it's not like this behavior was any different than he as ever been.

I bought my husband the "Breast Cancer Husband" book and he is reading it. I told him about how I learned at the Young Survivor's conference that people in loving relationships heal faster and he started hugging me more. I put a CD in his car that is for cancer caregivers.

I wouldn't call my husband unsupportive ... but like you in many ways he hasn't changed at all and I wonder if he even realizes what is coming. He is not on the internet every night and reading every book on BC. Maybe he has no idea.

What works for me is to be VERY DIRECT in what I do and don't want. Also I try to cut him some slack because it is not realistic for me to expect him to turn into someone else just because I have Cancer. In fact I think that would freak me out ... like he knows that it is REALLY bad and for now I like the delusion that this is just a little inconveinence.

Marsha

cheryl58 · March 2007

I can totally relate to this thread. After my diagnosis in May 2006 but before surgery (almost two months), life went on as normal in our house except that I was crying all the time while I did all my chores. I finally said to my husband, "You either need to step up to the plate or let's end this whole thing right now". My husband's way of dealing with any crisis we have had in our life together is to pretend it isn't happening and to not think about it...("just roll with it").

He then was with me for my surgery and my chemos. He emptied my drains, chopped up pain pills when I couldn't swallow them with water and tried to make things to eat. He just wasn't there emotionally. Unfortunately, in my mind, I did expect him to change (unrealistic, I know), and to want to hold me and comfort me and spend every minute with me. After my last chemo in October, we had a bit of trouble. I was depressed and he didn't know what to do so he just started finding other things to do away from me (riding his motorcycle,going over to friend's houses and "stopping for one after work").

Just this month, I have made a decision to join him in whatever it is he is doing. We have gone out every weekend and suprisingly are having a very good time together. I think our relationship is on the mend (but only because I am acting more optimistic..even if I don't always feel that way). He just can't emotionally handle it any other way.

Hugs,
Cheryl

ake · March 2007

I think our husbands have a really hard job. They go from feeling like the man of the house, whatever, to feeling completely helpless. At times, my husband didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to hear about it, if I cried, got upset too and said crying wouldn't help anything and I would have to move on. The weekend of my scans, he went out with his friends. When I finally confronted him, I realized that he was dealing with everything in his own way. And in a way, I had to respect that, but also let him know what I needed from him. I was already seeing a therapist and I asked him if he would see one as well, which he did. He really needed a place to say all the things I didn't want to hear...that he was scared I would die, that he was angry he had to all of sudden be overly responsible, way more responsible than ever, at the age of 28, that he didn't know what to do when I was tired, etc. He was with me every step of the way from that point on, cried with me sometimes, talked about how he felt, how I felt, etc. When I stopped treatment and was "done", he again kinda went into denial...didn't want to hear I was scared of recurrence, didn't want to hear about breast cancer at all, took anything with a pink ribbon and put it away, got frustrated when I talked about it or friends asked about it. But, we talked about it and I realized how hard it was (is sometimes) for him as a husband. That he was getting asked all the hard questions from people that didn't know how to ask me things...like my prognosis, my survival, etc. Constantly. He felt helpless, he felt scared, he was angry...for him, for me, for us...and as hard a transition as it was for me, it was also for him.

Co-survivors have it tough and they don't know how to react and sometimes they react in ways that we don't want them to. As hard as it is for us to get through this diagnosis, it turns our spouses' worlds upside down as well. Especially when guys aren't emotional, all of a sudden, they're scared and bombarded with emotions and they shut down to get through that. Talk to your husband. Respect that he needs to turn off sometimes and then tell him when that makes things harder than ever for you. Suggest maybe he talks to someone too...just to have a place to vent. Go together even. Give him his space, but also tell him you are going to need him more than ever, and it's not fair, but it's how it is, and you're scared and need his support.

Hang in there. It does get easier

-Amy

Fit999 · March 2007

OMG! Thank you for sharing your stories. I thought I was the only one on the planet whos husband was not this big, carrying, let me make you some soup honey, can I rub your feet, kind of guy. Im crying curled up in the fetal position because Ive already reached my peak, its all down hill from here!!!! and hes out shoveling the driveway. Or patting my shoulder (at arms length) saying there, there, it will be ok. And the worst one, Im lying on the couch 2 days post op and he says Im sorry you dont feel well like I had the fking flu.

I hear you guys saying its unrealistic to expect them to change into these carrying emotional beings, but cancer is turning our worlds upside down, why doesnt it turn them into men who feel emotions? Sht! We have enough emotions for more then 2 people. I like the idea of the book, thats what I would want, but the man doesnt read. I have drug him out for a few nights of dinner w/friends. He only went to humor me and they were his friends. But afterward I think he was glad. But sht again, its me trying to help him. When we had to deal w/the fertility issue he told me his plate was to full. WTF?!!!!! At what point does he take off the blinders and see whats going on and help me? I would much rather he let the house be in shambles, the snow 3 feet high and stay inside and just hug me and let me talk and him talk too.

At one point I started shutting down, I decided that I dont have the strength to deal with this and help him, so I was just going to do it w/the support team I have and leave him in his little world. But things kept coming up that affected him, like insurance and my paychecks, so I went back to trying to get him involved. I told him that I know he cant fix me, but I need him to listen and be mad/frustrated when I developed an allergic reaction to the surgical tape or whatever.

I tried posting this on the mens support section, but it got deleted. Have you guys read their posts? If I could get an ounce of some of their compassion, boy oh boy.

Oh, and the other day he told me he will only go w/me to my first chemo, he wont bother with the others. That hurt.

mgs · March 2007

I gave this CD to my husband. Maybe he's not a reader, but may listen to this in his car? I didn't listen to it myself - -but there is a transcript on the website.
http://www.cancersurvivaltoolbox.org/toolboxModule.aspx?modID=9

We went out to dinner tonight -- night before my surgery -- and i was telling him how many cancer survivors are frustrated that people expect that everything is "over" after the last treatment, but that it often takes as long as the treatment or longer to get back to normal. Then a few minutes later he says something about this is all going to be over in 4 months. I was like "Did you even HEAR ME?" I said first of all, it isn't going to be 4 months because I also have 6 weeks of radiation. (He somehow thought that it was either radiation or chemo). And I reiterated what I said earlier. He was saying how I was young and strong and I hardly got sick anymore like when we first met ... and I said I don't know if I am strong enough for this, this may be the hardest thing I have ever done. He got really mad (at himself) and depressed and I could see that it was finally sinking in. He had been kind of a jerk this week about the things I had asked him to do, and he said that he could go into work later and help take care of everyone. He really doesn't like his routines upset. I felt bad that he was now depressed, but really I have felt like he was in denial before.

I totally don't expect him to take off work to go to my chemo with me.

A few weeks ago when I got my ER/PR results back (positive) and I knew I wouldn't be having any more children I just cried and cried and he didn't know what to do. He just sat there watching TV and I was so f--king angry. I went upstairs and I cried in bed.

In our case we just spent the last year going through fertility treatments, so he was already worn out by all of that. We were talking about moving on to donor eggs to put all that past us and have our lives back to normal. So we are already tired in many ways and we have just gotten started with this.

Marsha

Fit999 · March 2007

Oh Marsha, my heart just goes out to you. We dont have kids, but I have always wanted them. Hubby doesnt but said ok before we got married. I just figured we would have them down the road. After my dx I knew the fertility issue would come up and thought this would force the issue. The onc tells me to go bank my eggs which among other things requires me to fly to another state. It was to much. I dragged hubby to the local fertility expert and she told us all abut donor eggs. I, decided to get through bc, then next summer, re-open the kid can of worms.

Im so sorry he wasnt there for you. I can feel your pain. Why is it SO hard for them to just hug us and hold us? I have cried a number of times to my dog. He seems more empathetic.

I went to a social worker at the hosp today. She gave me the name of a dr who counsels bc women and does couples therapy. She said I need a safe place to release these feelings. She also said that hubbys behavior was selfish and emotionally immature. Wow. She said he was turning things back to himself and refused to step out of his comfort zone. Yup again. Husband told me a few times since the dx that hes depressed. If they are not involved emotionally how can they feel depression? Im being cold and bitchy, but some days I just dont have the energy to worry about him.

I hope your husband has finally accepted the situation. And this is probably the hardest thing you or I will ever have to do. The social worker today said this is a 12-18month journey. What is 18 months compared to 85 years? We can do this and we will come out stronger and more empathetic.

Can you take a mini break this weekend and just go curl up in the corner and read or watch a chick flick movie? Just spend some down time and take care of you? I havent been sleeping, so Im going to sleep all day Sat.

Ill be thinking about you.

badboob67 · March 2007

You know, I have a different take on this. Issa, I hope you'll forgive me but I don't agree with the social worker. I grew up as the only girl with 3 older brothers and now have 3 male children, so I have at least some credibility I hope!

I think that what we, as women, often perceive as cold indifference is actually a man covering up his fear. I think they are afraid if there is even the slightest crack in the veneer, all of the awful terror will come pouring out. They do their best, but most men--even in this day and age--are not emotional and sensitive like we are. There is still tremendous pressure for him to be strong and wow.........what pressure he must feel to keep it together and be strong while you are going through such a frightening experience!! Most men are, for the most part, emotionally inept when it comes to the kind of support we women are able to give each other instinctively. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, doesn't care, isn't just as worried about this whole BC business as you. It just means he is DIFFERENT. They really are wired differently.

It seems really unfair that lots of times, we women are the nurturers. We're the ones who will rub the sore back, make chicken soup for the cold, ask if everything is okay when we see something "off" in someone's eyes. We are naturally more emotionally intuitive. Studies have shown that women are much more proficient at identifying an emotion by looking at facial expressions.

Try to recognize the things he does that are HIS way of showing support. If you pay attention, I bet you will find he's being much more supportive--albeit in a way that is not necessarily what you feel like you need--than you thought.

I'm sure I sound like June Cleaver. I'm only 39, though. My husband and I have been through a lot--including BC--and I've come to terms with the fact that I love him the way I know how and he loves me the way he knows how. Gary Smalley has a book called THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. It really shed some light on the situation for me.

Fit999 · March 2007

Dear June ,

I completely appreciate your opinion, and you do sound very qualified. Thank you for saying what you see, thats what I need, outside thoughts.

I agree with a lot of what you said. I know that the way my husband shows me he loves me is by making sure my truck is in good running shape, making sure the bills are paid on time, taking care of general maintenance on the house, keeping his family safe. But when does the bc sit up and slap him in the face and demand that he invest emotional time? I also know it has to do with keeping everything normal. If he continues to do all his normal things that he can control, it makes it less scary or less real, something like that. But still, I have tried to tell him what I need, but he doesnt hear me. It would mean 1000 times more to me if he let the bills sit for one evening and just sat and talked to me.

Sorry guys, I know me telling you, doesnt help him. Just color me venting.

Thanks,
Issa

mgs · March 2007

I explained to my husband that if my nodes came back positive that I would definitely need chemo. So he understood what it meant when he got the news that my nodes were positive during my surgery.

I do think that he finally realizes what is happening. He has taken care of my son and the household chores since the surgery. He goes with me to my doctors appointments. He hugs me more than he used to. I kind of want more, but I'm just glad that I have the support I have. I see so many people it seems that have so many other pressures and go through divorce at this time.

I don't think anyone can "be there" enough for me right now.

Marsha

badboob67 · March 2007

Issa,
I know that this is so hard!! Your question about the BC hitting him in the face, though...I think that they DO break down, they DO have crying fits....it really DOES hit them. So many of them are so invested in putting forth the strong facade that they have these breakdowns in private. I've read of more than one BC husband having to pull off to the side of the road as they drove to work and just weep because of what was happening.

I do so hope that things get better for you!

OutdoorGirl · March 2007

Issa, I'm sure this is incredibly difficult for him, and I'm sure he does feel deeply about this. I know my own husband has had days when he has locked himself in our bedroom and sobbed. He just feels that he is my strength, and that he has to show that to me. Unfortunately, those tender times of just sitting together tend to bring on the pain, so he has avoided those times lately too, just when I am at my most needy.

My advice? Let him love you the best way he can, in his own way, and depend on your girlfriends for the hugging, crying, sharing part of things. My DH has been angry at our 15 year old daughter for not helping out more around the house, but she really has been there for me in the ways I wanted, rubbing my back, playing cards, lying with her head in my lap. I really think it is a male/female thing.

Terri

Kirk · March 2007

My wife of 22 years has breast cancer and is currently going through chemotherapy. She was a 16 year breast cancer survivor, diagnosed with a totally new cancer in January. She had a double mastectomy back in 1991 and did chemo at that time. She now is diagnosed with stage IIIC, er+ Her2+++. She is doing the dose dense AC,T,arimedex and herceptin with rads. She just completed her second AC on Monday.

I thought that going through this a second time would be easier. I was older, knew more, and we had been together for a much longer time. Boy was I wrong!! It has been much harder for me, but at the same time I think I am able to be more effective in helping my wife.

I think in life that guys really tend to focus on being a problem solver. That is good for the normal issues in life, but you cant make the cancer go away, so you cant solve this problem. That is frustrating! It is true that women are more of the nurturing type. I think guys need to work at it.

I dont think I am unique, but I have seen how my wife best responds to what I do. I love her dearly and have been doing everything I can for her. I am doing it for her and not for me, but when she responds with a Thank You, or I love you, it gives me such positive feedback to carry on.

It is not easy to try and do more than one is accustom to. It can cause anxiety when one tries to do it all and still sees his spouse still suffering. It goes back to the fact I cant make it go away.

I think I have the attitude that it helps us both for me to be involved. However, I can see how someone would be in denial, it is a very good defense when you cant control the situation.

It sucks for both and no one is trained on being a caregiver. I hope you all get the support that you want and need.

Fit999 · March 2007

Yeah maybe he has broken downhad his moments, but I have no idea. On the outside, nothing has changed. I spoke to a social worker at the hosp, they are supposed to match women up with cancer coaches and somehow my case fell through the cracks. She suggested talking to someone trained in bc issues so I meet w/him next week. Doesnt hurt that he also has a background in family counseling.

KHD · April 2007

My wife (age 26) just had her mastectomy a few weeks ago and is starting chemo now. Frankly, I think caring for a cancer patient is one of the hardest things a husband or boyfriend could possibly have to deal with in his life. I know that breast cancer is a total catastrophe for a woman but, at the risk of sounding like a complete jerk, don't forget that it's also an intense emotional issue for we husbands, as well. I took a few days off of work for my wife's surgery, I visit her every afternoon after I finish working, I help her with anything she needs from eating to washing to going to the bathroom, and sometimes I still get a little annoyed when she tells me "you don't know what it's like!" Just have some patience with we lowly men! This is a very complex issue for us, as well.

Incidentally, I've recently heard from a few women in my wife's support group that their husbands flat-out left them after their cancer dianosis. Up and walked out the door without so much as a "goodbye." Can you believe that? How could anyone be so cold? I would never leave my wife at a time like this.

ElaineNB · April 2007

Hi All, just my two cents worth...firstly sorry for what you are all going thru...I had a major bc scare back in Dec. 04 (thats when I found this place) I waited 14+ weeks just for biopsy on tumor..(thank god it turned out to be benign)..I was the bitch in the relationship...this was my 2nd scare had lumpectomy years back..so thought ok this is it it caught up with me now..I was so mad..my DH was so loving and compassionate, I was the one pushing him away...I often say had I been him I probably would have left me..I love him dearly and vice versa god knows hes proven that...since then I have been thru colon cancer surgery, liver cyst problems, and just had another major surgery in less than 12 mos..hes been there thru every step of the way...I am so blessed and lucky..I think most men are cut from a different cloth than we women..they don't know how to handle these scares and diseases, so they try and pretend nothing is wrong..bury the head in the sand so to speak...I'm sure they're hurting terribly on the inside for you all..its nice to see husbands like mine and KHD..but all men are not like that..some of it probably comes from the 'upbringing' they are trained to be strong, not suppose to cry..my husband cried right along with me while holding me..crying is a great outlet for we ladies..and I think DH's should have the same benefit...one bonus to all of this..my house is totally renovated (not that it really needed it) but DH needs to do physical work when worried or stressed so theres been some nice changes around here..his timing hasn't always been the best..tearing walls out 3 weeks before xmas..but I knew all would be nice in the end...we have 5 wonderful grown kids..and when I couldn't be there for them all during my illnesses he was there...and they were all there for me..therapy is a great outlet for our DH's if they can't work it out on their own..its someone to give them an ear to say what they are afraid to say to you...those who packup ad leave during treatment are what I call cowards..even tho it is hard to go it alone..your probably better off without them..
I wish you all the best...keep on trucking...you can all beat this...I don't think they mean to be this way...they just don't know how to handle things so they don't try...
take care all and your all on my prayer list...
hugs
ElaineNB

Silka · April 2007

When I was diagnosed, my DH was just as ill as I was. I had to pretend that everything was ok, couldn't share my worries or concerns with him. He was waiting for a heart transplant and I didn't dare put anymore on him then I had to. I tried to shield him as much as possible. I was so worried about him the day I had my surgery, I was afraid he would have a heart attack in the waiting room because of the stress.

His kind words were always "You are going to be ok", he didn't know that and I was totally aggravated at him a lot of the time because of his comments. (I didn't let him know that either)

I had my last treatment on December 15th, he died December 20th. He saw me through all of it. Ladies count your blessings, if you look, they are out there.
Hugs
Doris

cnoel · May 2007

I hear you....eight months into treatment I seperated from my husband and the divorce went thru in Feb.2007. Best thing I ever did. Cancer changed my life and I realize that not only do I deserve to have emotional support and the experience of a loving relationship.. but my now ex-husband deserves to have whatever it is he needs as well. I did not want to be looking at him years from now possibly in the Dr.s office again and realize that I am in the same boat as before...plus I believe that all aspects of my human existence have an impact on my Cancer..ALL ASPECTS!!!!

Fit999 · June 2007

Wow. Divorce. Thats a big ugly word and hard to even type. But you brought up some points.DH just called me and I had to try and explain fatigue to him. I slept the entire weekend and came in late for work today. He said but other then being tired how do you feel?. He does not understand that just the thought of my 15 min drive home is daunting. I asked him yesterday to go to the grocery store so I could cook dinner. He was put out, so I went and it cost me every ounce of energy. I came home and slept for 3 hours. I started getting mouth sores this weekend from chemo and he seemed slightly interested, but didnt really clue into how bad they can get and they probably wont get better until Im done w/chemo.

Im beat, I just dont have the energy to deal w/him or anyone else right now. Sorry to be so negative.

Issa

ptesinge · June 2007

grrr! just wrote a whole post that got erased by an error on the stupid website.

but i'll just say that long story short: my bf was/is wonderful. but because he WANTED to be a big help and support. NOT because he was always good at it. (mine was the opposite and many of yours. he's great emotionally. he'll hold my hand all day long. but if it comes to getting up and doing something. puh!) that's the thing i tried to judge him on. his intent, not his success, in being perfect.

men can be just SO infuriatingly uninuitive! but if the intent is there, then we just have to be very direct about what we need. most will appreciate the help and direction!

i agree wtih some others too: try some books or some therapy for him. an objective ear to hear his frustrations might be good!

Fit999 · June 2007

Im gong to a cancer coach to help me deal with everything. He also specializes in couples counseling. He asked to meet my dh just as a routine thing and to see if he had any questions and how he was doing. Well they met and the world did not stop spinning. So Im thinking this is good thing. No idea if dh will ever go back, but at least he went once and knows the guy doesnt bite or have 3 heads.

It seems like its the minor stuff in our marriage that I have always known about but just dealt with. These same minor things are magnified now. The issue these days is fatigue. Dh doesnt get it and tells me to just get up out of bed and once I get going Ill be fine. He doesnt understand that I cant even make my mouth move to form sentences, let along move covers off me and walk across the room to the shower.

But Ill figure it out somehow.

Issa

ptesinge · June 2007

Continued luck with all this. You have made some great steps in a very helpful direction I think!

My bf and friends didn't get it either when I was fatigued. I'd start crying cause i was so frustrated they didn't understand and freaked about about the fact that I couldn't even get up to get a glass of water. It really scared me. They were just kind of like "um, ok."

Hang in there, and let us know how things progress!

jah4377 · July 2007

My husband and I went to counseling because at one point of this cancer mess he asked for a divorce. I also didn't believed he even cared. Guess what, he did! I found out when he cried about the BC... When he was alone.
Men are just differnent animals

lisettemac · July 2007

I will second the recommendation for the "Five Love Languages." In the book, the author talks about how people feel loved and express love -- such as by giving gifts or compliments. The book also talks about the problems that ensue when each spouse has a different way of expressing love. Sounds like your husband's "love language" is acts of service -- he feels like he is showing you that he cares by doing things around the house -- but yours is something different. So, there's a disconnect there. This book can help you determine what your and your spouse's love languages are and how to connect with each other.

One other thing I will say is that I find I have to really tell my husband what I need. He doesn't always know. And, he wants so much for everything to be "fine" that he will just pretend like it is. My husband had a big "career crisis" in the midst of my chemo (plus a full-time job, plus 2 toddlers) and I had to just tell him that I would support him in whatever job change he wanted to make, will move with him to the ends of the earth -- in 2008. But this year, he needs to take one for the team because I have too much to deal with to do that too. Several people pointed out to me that it's probably easier for him to worry about his job than about me, KWIM?

Just some food for thought.

Fit999 · July 2007

Thanks you guys.

Today is a bad day. DH (dick head) is on my major sht list. I just had my 4th and final surgery 1 week ago and he acts like it never happened and even had the nerve while I was recuperating to ask me to help him move some tree stumps from the yard. Last night after an argument I told him that he never asks how I am, how my body is healing, if I can get comfortable at night, if the thrush is any better, any pain, do my tops fitnothing. His response was I asked how your day was. Yeah, like he did last month, last year. Its hollow. Today he informed me that coordinating the logistics of getting together w/another couple was to much stress for him and he was going to cancel it. It was to much stress for him???? Hes not the one juggling drs appts, other social commitments, out-of-town guests, friends and family, and fatigue, all in order to accommodate these flaky quasi friends who have backed out on us 3 times already. ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Im sorry to rant to you guys, you are the ones being supportive. I have an appt w/my cancer coach tomorrow, I just hope no one get seriously injured before then.

Issa

PS. And I totally know what you mean about showing love in different ways and yes I recognize that him mowing the lawn is showing me love, but since my world has been turned upside down with this dx, cant he at least step out of his box and try and show love in my language?

ptesinge · July 2007

Whew! That sounds like a load to deal with on top of everything else. I wish I had a fix for you. but for now I can jsut say, rant all you want. We'll be here!

Continued support!
Sarah

MREanes · July 2007

Hi Ladies,

I am so sorry to hear about your unsupportive husbands. I am a male, but I know how you feel.

I was diagnosed with bc in May 05. Has two surgeries, 6 treatments of TAC and radiation which lasted until year-end. One week later, my wife of almost 20 years announces that she is leaving. Refused to try to work things out. She did stick around for two months looking for an apartment and trying to make my life as miserable as possible. She told me that she hated me and everything about me. I was DEVASTATED! The absolute worst experience of my life.

I had no clue that this was going to happen. I knew things were not perfect, but nothing that couldn't be reconciled. It turned out that she was running around with my ex-friend.

It was almost like she had joined a cult. She went from an honest, caring wife and mother to a person I didn't even recogonize. She obviously didn't care what happened to me, but also didn't really care what effect this was going to have on our twin 17 yr old daughters or their college education.

Bone mets were discovered last December followed by several surgeries. I don't know that the unbelievable stress caused them, but it certainly didn't help.

Fortunately, my daughters, my friends and co-workers have been tremendously supportive. Unfortunately, more spots were found in early June.

It has been a crappy couple of years. I have been working to resolve my anger and trying to keep a positive attitude.

I'm sorry to unload this on you ladies. I saw the topic and things just overflowed.

This site is great for seeking advice and receiving support and I appreciate the help that I have received.

Hopefully, I have been able to help with advice for others that have had some of the same problems that I have had.

Again, sorry for the ranting and I wish all of you my best.

Mike

Anonymous · July 2007

Oh Mike, I am SO sorry to hear your story! You and I were diagnosed around the same time (mine was 4/05) and finished rads at the same time too. I'm divorced and though I had a boyfriend and a very helpful, supportive ex throughout my treatment, I opted to do everything myself and not ask for help. In retrospect, I think that I should have allowed others to support me, but when I hear a story like yours, it certainly makes me think. Gotta say, though, it sure does sound like you're much better off without someone who would cheat on you and leave you at the time you need her most. It's good that you have family and friends for comfort and help too. That said, I don't blame you for a second for being angry and feeling abandoned and shortchanged! Maybe some counseling addressing living with bc AND coping with your resentment and stress of the whole thing would help..? Your breast/cancer center may have some good support or can recommend a counselor. In any event, keep coming back here and posting, though you might want to try Moving Beyond Cancer because it's a more active board.

Marin

MREanes · July 2007

Thanks Marin!

I have been getting some help and have progressed a lot over the last several months.

However, I do still have lapses.

Cancer changes your perspective on things. My most recent mets have helped me to focus on the future and not dwell on the past. However, some things still trigger those negative feelings.

I appreciate your support and you advice on 'Moving Beyond Cancer'.

I hope that you are doing well in your fight with this beast.

Best wishes,
Mike

Fit999 · July 2007

Wow. Just when you think things are bad, someone is going through something even worse. Im sorry Mike to hear your story, I cant imagine how hard your life was /is. And here I came to rant some more.

I did talk to the onc nurse today and she said the hormones from the Luprin shot could very well be affecting me, not to mention the decadron. So Ill try not to kill him over the next 2 months, then see how things are. The one thing I keep thinking about is as much as I bitch and complain about dhs lack of emotion and compassion I cant help but remember a post that the woman said it would freak her out worse if a normally unemotional husband all of a sudden got emotional on her. Very wise words. Also the advice not to make any huge life decisions while going through this, I would assume that includes divorce. More wise words.

Issa

Unsupportive husband

Comments

Categories