What does your hubby think of you now?

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  • Blundin2005
    Blundin2005 Member Posts: 1,167
    edited July 2007
    Hi Wallan,

    Joan is right. I apologize (a little bit) for my earlier, sharp, knee-jerk (kick a$$) response to your DH! In fact, I was responding as though he said these terrible things to me personally. And as Shirley said, we all know the fight behind this disease....you need your energy to that purpose and he has NOT the right to divert your much needed energy from you to him.

    We here would all like to know "the answer", package it and send it post haste to your door....as to our own. We know well that life is a little more complicated than that. But I hope that you take solis (sp?) from our collective desire to hold you up in this moment.
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  • Maria_C_
    Maria_C_ Member Posts: 69
    edited July 2007
    Joan is right, as Marilyn... image
    guess wisdom and good sense as to certain things
    guess it comes with age, no?... image
    Sorry, but I didn't get there yet ... LOL image
    Lot of latin blood boiling in here,
    I will tell him I'm sorry for my words
    when the jerk gets home with a bunch of flowers,
    says how much he loves you
    and confess how such a jerk he has been
    and is indeed willing to mend himself.
    Until then he is a... how do you say it?
    Dick... head?? Sounds acceptable at this point,
    lucky him that English words are too soft,
    to bad he doesn't understand Portuguese...
    Oooh mmmm... you can send him here, image
    yes, vacations, why not?
    I know a group of guys that could teach him image
    some couple of things and at the end of the day, image
    I can bet that the last thing he would do
    would be to waste metal energy on figuring out image
    what men think about things such pigs and as sex.

    Just trying to make you smile. image
    Hope things are better today.
    .
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  • ravdeb
    ravdeb Member Posts: 3,116
    edited July 2007
    Wendy..
    I've read the responses and I know that you were looking for support. I hope that you were not looking for other women to bad mouth your dh.

    Our partners/spouses have a hard time with the long term side effects of all the treatments we go through. Most of them (the male spouses/partners are who I'm referring to) want to believe that once we are done with our treatments, life will return to normal. Your aches and pains are only a reminder to him of your bc and he's probably had enough of that. He doen't want others to notice it because of who knows what reasons..they may remind him, ask questions, feel sorry for him or in fact, he will see another woman the same age who never had the blasted treatments that his wife/partner went through and for a moment there, it will look appealing...no worries, or so he thinks.

    You have GOT to talk to him and get a third party to help you negotiate a plan so that he will get his feelings out on the table and understand how hurtful it all is, AND what he can do about it so that you can both be happy together.

    I think that if you do that, you can honestly grow old together...just that sometimes the guys need a bit more guidance!
    Good luck...I do feel badly for you and I would be in tears all the time if my dh had said those things to me. But he's not perfect, either. Nobody is...
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  • SandyInNJ63
    SandyInNJ63 Member Posts: 104
    edited July 2007
    You know, I responded like the rest of you about this topic, blood boiling and outraged over the behaviors of some men. However, some of you wrote that he needs to apologize and tell her certain things and be supportive. That's all well and good, BUT in my mind, his true colors are already out of the bag. Will saying "sweetie, I really think your the sexiest woman in my eyes, i'm so sorry for making you feel like anything less"..will that really fix things? It wouldn't for me. He's already admitted that he talks to other guys about how hot other women are, so how is his behavior going to change just by apologizing for doing it?

    When a man has shown that side of him, the one that trips over himself because an attractive woman is nearby, there's no going back. That that way he is, that's the way many men are, whether they have the balls to admit it to you or not, in this case, he's opening admitted that he's a dog.

    Should he apologize for his behavior..of course, but that will never change the person that he's already admitted to being. I've known guys like this and hot women will always set off their radar...whether we are hot ourselves really doesn't matter..they'll be like this regardless.

    Just my 2 cents.
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  • Calico
    Calico Member Posts: 1,108
    edited July 2007
    Wendy,
    he needs to know and he needs to be told by someone (professional counseling maybe) until he "gets" it....obviously, he doesn't get it....

    Hugs to you.
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  • Carmelle
    Carmelle Member Posts: 388
    edited July 2007
    if that's what he thinks now I would wonder what he thought before? truly.
    my husband's not beyond looking at another pair of legs or a pretty woman. he loves women.
    but to him I am the best woman and I know he thinks that and that's all that matters.
    Michelle
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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited July 2007
    Well, I am truly overwhelmed by all your responses. You have given me pause over my marriage.
    I am now asking myself if I am in an abusive marriage to be honest.
    Yes, what he did was shocking and humiliating and even cruel. He has not really apologized. In fact, if I told you what he says if I bring it up, you may all want to come over and castrate him.

    I am truly not strong enough right now nor do I even have the energy to deal with what this means. But, something inside of me is looking at him differently now. I mean, he really wasn't there for me emotionally during my treatment. I thought we moved past that though. Maybe we haven't. Maybe I am delusional in thinking he is different now. I am just not ready to deal with this.

    I love you all... its truly amazing to have feedback like this so I can open my eyes...

    Wendy A
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  • starsfan
    starsfan Member Posts: 45
    edited July 2007
    Hi,
    You are in everyones prayers. Just take care of yourself thru treatment and do not make important decisions while sick and physically and mentally not at the top of your game. Take time to think everything thru.
    Linda
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  • JustOne
    JustOne Member Posts: 226
    edited July 2007
    If a man is not there for us in illness and only wants a wife who is whole and well after the crisis…that is not the definition of a husband. I’m sorry to say this man has a big flaw in his character and it has nothing to do you. He is simply not a man at all and I know my own husband would agree with that.

    But, you have to do what is best for YOU and if staying with this man for now is less stressful, then so be it. All of us with wonderful husbands and SO can tell you all day long to get rid of the jerk today. But the truth is, never being in your position can we really know what we would do? Only you know when you are ready to move on, or try your best with this man to come to some sort of understanding and hope he can truly see the beautiful you that we see.

    God Bless~

    Pam
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  • decaffdave
    decaffdave Member Posts: 10
    edited July 2007
    hi again, i guess as i guy i am able to contribute little..
    the below two posts are what i feel is the most meaningfull advice to you along with some other comments-
    Quote:

    Wendy..
    I've read the responses and I know that you were looking for support. I hope that you were not looking for other women to bad mouth your dh.

    Our partners/spouses have a hard time with the long term side effects of all the treatments we go through. Most of them (the male spouses/partners are who I'm referring to) want to believe that once we are done with our treatments, life will return to normal. Your aches and pains are only a reminder to him of your bc and he's probably had enough of that. He doen't want others to notice it because of who knows what reasons..they may remind him, ask questions, feel sorry for him or in fact, he will see another woman the same age who never had the blasted treatments that his wife/partner went through and for a moment there, it will look appealing...no worries, or so he thinks.

    You have GOT to talk to him and get a third party to help you negotiate a plan so that he will get his feelings out on the table and understand how hurtful it all is, AND what he can do about it so that you can both be happy together.
    I think that if you do that, you can honestly grow old together...just that sometimes the guys need a bit more guidance!
    Good luck...I do feel badly for you and I would be in tears all the time if my dh had said those things to me. But he's not perfect, either. Nobody is...



    Quote:

    If that's what he thinks now I would wonder what he thought before? truly.
    my husband's not beyond looking at another pair of legs or a pretty woman. he loves women.
    but to him I am the best woman and I know he thinks that and that's all that matters.
    Michelle



    i differ on this one:
    Quote:

    Your husband is wrong, men (most men, according to my husband anyhow) do not sit around discussing sex and hot women all the time. That could not be further from the truth. My husband would never discuss our private life with any other men. Men are different from women, we talk about anything and everything, they don't.: Tina


    tina is very wrong and right both...
    i have been traped by work around groups were it is the main topic! and if you dont take part you can be turned on like a low dog in a pack..
    and it IS that those that fees on this will gravate to each other as will football nits.. if he is constant part of such a group he needs to leave it for your sake there is no reason to stay in one but that you are feeding off it...
    this next one has been hurt and who ever did it needs correction but dont take this one to heart..
    Quote:

    When a man has shown that side of him, the one that trips over himself because an attractive woman is nearby, there's no going back. That that way he is, that's the way many men are, whether they have the balls to admit it to you or not, in this case, he's opening admitted that he's a dog. ould he apologize for his behavior..of course, but that will never change the person that he's already admitted to being. I've known guys like this and hot women will always set off their radar...whether we are hot ourselves really doesn't matter..they'll be like this regardless.



    many of us guys dont know how to handle bc in our wives.
    it is not instintive
    if leave the room when my wife rants at me then i am diserting her...
    if i aproch her for imtiancy to show i do care for her reguardless of shape then i am never going to get in her pants again...
    if my wifes responses sound any thing like you may have said in anger at some time then you need to consiter that he tryed reguardless of what you thought as i assure you it is likely he ment it ...
    my wife will NOT talk to any one like you gals will ...
    i wish she would ... even to thoes i disagree with as the extreams she reads of may hit home ...
    if he is trying and you love him
    then youhave to teach him what things means some thing to you and that they dont always mean the same thing if in fact that is true ... that you are sorry for mixed messages as i assure you that THAT is how he recives it ...
    and that is less then a bucks worth i hope..
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2007
    Wendy,
    I want to apologize for my harsh words about your husband....but in my heart I just cant...

    I know the last thing you need to be dealing with right now is something this damaging to you and your marriage and by coming here you reached out to us to help calm your fears even though it doesnt sound like you realized them until just recently.....

    You need to do as everyone said here.....what matters is YOU, do what you need to do to get where you want to be then deal with the rest later....I know that is sooooo very easy for us to say and SOOOOOO very hard for you to do but all we really want is whats best for you and we will support any decisions you make....

    We all care about you!!!!!!!

    Hugs
    Jule
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2007
    decaffdave,
    You are so very right about assumptions and perceptions being a two sided coin...

    Im happy to see you post in this threaded as I think a mans side of view to this subjet is well needed....

    I was single during the majority of my dx and tx but had met someone special during the time that I wouldnt committ to even dating because I was so unsure of how my life would be...but he stuck with it because he said it really doesnt matter to him, he thinks Im beautiful and "hot" no matter what or how my situation would turn out, he cares for me "NO MATTER WHAT"....

    This part of your post really hits home for me:
    "many of us guys dont know how to handle bc in our wives.
    it is not instintive
    if leave the room when my wife rants at me then i am diserting her...
    if i aproch her for imtiancy to show i do care for her reguardless of shape then i am never going to get in her pants again...
    if my wifes responses sound any thing like you may have said in anger at some time then you need to consiter that he tryed reguardless of what you thought as i assure you it is likely he ment it ...
    my wife will NOT talk to any one like you gals will ...
    i wish she would ... even to thoes i disagree with as the extreams she reads of may hit home ...
    if he is trying and you love him
    then youhave to teach him what things means some thing to you and that they dont always mean the same thing if in fact that is true ... that you are sorry for mixed messages as i assure you that THAT is how he recives it ..."

    I know I as a woman went through an unreal amount of emotions during and still involving my BC....but I dont remember once sitting down and thinking/wondering how a partner would feel and what they would be going through as well....in honesty (and this may sound very self centerd) but the last thing on my mind was others....from dx to the end of my tx my thoughts were basically getting myself through one day at a time. I really hope that if I HAD been involved with a partner that I would have at least tried to be understanding on their part as well....to me that is part of being with a partner...the sharing of most everything in life is what (to me) makes a good relationship....

    I think I am just rambling now but I hope that Wendy will be able to pick out some part of this that might help her find peace within herself so that she has the energy to fight the BC and to be ok with her relationship until she is ready to deal with those types of things.

    Hugs
    Jule
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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited July 2007
    Thank-you everyone for your responses and insight.

    I do not take any offense at all to any of you. I really appreciate your thoughts and support. Honestly.

    I have decided to talk with a counsellor about all of this. Its a start anyways....

    I see one next Wednesday..

    You are all my sisters.. and I love ya

    Wendy A
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  • Maria_C_
    Maria_C_ Member Posts: 69
    edited July 2007
    Wendy;
    I'm really glad you decided
    to go proactive on this
    talking in here and
    now seeking help with counseling.
    Even if you go alone to counseling,
    I'm sure it will help you a lot.

    Wishing you the best.
    Hugs.
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  • Sierra
    Sierra Member Posts: 1,638
    edited July 2007
    Fantastic!!! I know it will help you
    greatly and give you some momentum.

    Hugs, and very best wishes
    on this.

    Now have a nice week-end.


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  • Jinx
    Jinx Member Posts: 71
    edited July 2007
    Glad you are going to counseling Wendy. That will help you to put things into perspective. And just having another shoulder to cry on is beneficial.

    My husband wanted me to have a bilateral mastectomy. I had just the cancer breast removed but now wish I had done the bilateral.

    A mastectomy scar isn't pretty to a woman at all and my husband makes jokes to me that my scar is 'almost beutiful' and that it would be '100% beautiful if I had two scars instead of the one.' He still wants me to get other breast removed because to him that means I will save my life. And I do plan to do that when I have reconstruction.

    I have to agree, you husband has the insecurities in your situation. He is lashing out at you for something wrong in his life. Hearing your husband call another woman 'hot' isn't easy on a wife's ears. He should have dropped it at that but he had to push your buttons -- he knew that would upset you -- shows he has some problems to deal with.

    Good luck to you in your counseling. It's really a good move for you. wish you the best!
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  • pconn03
    pconn03 Member Posts: 643
    edited July 2007
    Wendy:
    Continuing to send prayers for strenght and wisdom during this very stressful time. Remember - we are all here for you and only want the best for you.
    God bless,
    Pat
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2007
    Good for you, Wendy.
    {{{hugs}}}
    Shirley
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  • Coltsneck
    Coltsneck Member Posts: 180
    edited July 2007
    Not that he would appreciate it, but it would be interesting to see his reaction to this thread. I'd have him read it and then have a discussion about his attitude and how shallow he appears. I'm sure he must have some good qualities or else you wouldn't still be with him, but he needs a lesson in love - and not HOT love. Can you imagine how he would feel if he had cancer and you suddenly told him that he wasn't Hot any longer? My husband once told me (unrelated to the bc) that he was disappointed because I wasn't 26 any longer. He was going through a midlife crisis and was really projecting his disappointment that he wasn't 26. They really are very limited in their world view and sometimes it's just pathetic to watch.

    If some other guy showed an interest in you, I would bet your husband would look at you completely differently. Sometimes they just take it for granted that you are a given and will always be there for them. It can shock their weak systems when they realize that some other guy finds you interesting and 'hot'.

    Well, adversity can bring out the best and the worst in people. It just hurts so much more when it is piled on top of the existing stresses that we are undergoing. I give you credit for confronting him and hope that you won't let him get away with anything like that again.
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2007
    Way to go Wendy...you go girl.

    Wishing you all the best as you figure out what's right for YOU!! I'm a romantic and I hope your hubby isn't as shallow and heartless as he appears and that this will all work out well and you'll be blissfully happy...but regardless - I hope YOU"RE blissfully happy with or without him, because you DESERVE it!
    Mandy
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  • DragonladyTina
    DragonladyTina Member Posts: 371
    edited July 2007

    Post deleted by Tinairene

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  • Emelee26
    Emelee26 Member Posts: 569
    edited July 2007
    Dave's wife has breast cancer that spread to the spine...
    I think this discussion hits a prob I have with friends also...not all men and women are alike. My friends were talking the other day about a sex toy party and talking dirty to men - I didn't join in because I don't like talking about that - I keep my private things with my husband private - my husband is the same way...that's what Tina was touching on...not all men talk about sex and women...I'm sure many do, such as those that Dave are referring too and as a friend of many men....they do talk about sex and hot girls...but that's why I was attracted to my husband - he was shy, he didn't want to hang with frat boys and go to strip clubs, and he didn't talk about hot babes all day - actually he talks about bricks mostly (he's a mason)
    Dave...time to stand up to the men and tell them you'd rather talk about something else hehe

    Marisa
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  • LisaAlissa
    LisaAlissa Member Posts: 1,092
    edited July 2007
    Quote:

    Dave,

    First off, I don't know if you read the part where I said I was talking about what my husband said, not what all men said so, that said, I don't really appreciate you telling me how wrong I am. I don't know where you work or what you discuss with your colleagues but I can assure you that not all men sit around and discuss hot babes and sex. I don't really know what to say to you, it will not come across properly in print anyway. If I may be so bold and at the risk of causing a firestorm, what are you doing in a breast cancer survivor forum anyhow? Have I missed something? Are you a survivor yourself?? If you are, then I apologise in advance, if not then I repeat, what is your agenda here?

    Tina



    Hi Tina,

    I was really touched by Dave’s post (does that make me part of a firestorm?—I hope not). While he’s a newer member (only 5 posts, and registered 7/13/07), it’s because he’s a newer member that it’s easy to check on his posts so far. His wife appears to have mets, and a difficult prognosis. On that basis alone, Dave is certainly entitled to be here (glad you’re here, Dave!). And therefore his views on a thread discussing a BC husband’s response to his wife couldn’t be more relevant. I was touched by the time, care and attention that went into his post—he clearly is trying to be helpful to Wendy A, and took the time to piece through earlier posts to do so!

    It appears that I also didn’t read his discussion of that portion of your post that he quoted the same way you did. He did say you (or in this case your husband) was wrong, but he also said you were right! He suggested that some groups of men tend to focus on particular topics. He gave the example of groups of men who only discuss football. And that there are groups that focus on “sex and hot women”—he mentioned that he had been trapped in a couple at work from time to time—and that there is tremendous peer pressure in such a group to participate in order to maintain status. He noted that men who focus on “sex and hot women” will tend to gravitate to one another, thus reinforcing their views (that is, the views of men like Wendy’s husband) that “all” men behave as he does. But Dave agrees with your husband that “most men don’t sit around discussing sex and hot women all the time.” He’s trying to help Wendy understand how her husband may have reached that conclusion—which I think is helpful.

    Dave suggests to Wendy that if her husband is consistently part of such groups that he needs to walk away from any such group for Wendy’s sake, since his continued participation in such a group would tend to feed the sort of deplorable behavior she witnessed at the reunion.

    The way I read it, essentially, Wendy’s husband needs to find a better class of friends, so that he can be a better support for his wife! (With any luck, the therapy that Wendy mentioned will get them there!)

    HTH,

    LisaAlissa
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  • Toronto
    Toronto Member Posts: 118
    edited July 2007
    I think it is great that you are getting some counseling about this, and no doubt other things related to BC and things like your doufus major advisor. I'll tell you a story that has a happy ending, or at least middle stage.

    This is the second time I've taken the BC train and on the first trip, my husband was great for the day of surgery and one day after then he turned into a total ***hole. That went on for a while and then he said something (and I don't remember what) that so infuriated me that I slapped him. I was horrified that I could do such a thing and the next day I made an appointment for counseling. The first meeting I told her some of the things that had happens and she said "That was in your face abandonment." BINGO! She helped me so much. I didn't have time to deal with his nonsense - I had kids and stuff to do, so I stayed married.

    Fast forward about 7-8 years and another round of BC. He is an entirely different man, insists on being there for every treatment, totally understanding of my limitations due to side effects, everything is different. What happened? Darned if I know. But it did happen. I would not have believed 7 years ago that my husband could morph into the willing care-taking man he has become. Maybe your husband can evolve too.
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  • Blundin2005
    Blundin2005 Member Posts: 1,167
    edited July 2007
    Brava! Brava! Brava!

    What a good step to take.
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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited July 2007
    Thanks again everyone....

    I appreciate Dave's comments btw... it is great to get a man's perspective too.. I mean, a man who doesn't know me or my hubby. Its refreshing.

    I did tell my hubby I went on this forum and all and he just said... "so now the whole breast cancer community thinks I am a jerk"... I didn't tell him your responses either. I just told him I had "discussed" this with you's all. So he knows his behaviour was wrong. I guess that's not really a defense for him... I don't know.

    But its good to know I have you all... and yes counselling will help I am sure.

    WEndy A
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2007
    Quote:


    I did tell my hubby I went on this forum and all and he just said... "so now the whole breast cancer community thinks I am a jerk"... I didn't tell him your responses either. I just told him I had "discussed" this with you's all. So he knows his behaviour was wrong. I guess that's not really a defense for him... I don't know.



    Oh, Wendy, I'm sorta grinning at your husband's comment. Maybe you shoulda said, yeah, some think you are, but they think there is hope for you yet. I do think there's hope, and I don't think you should throw up your hands and walk out. You are too hurt to make such a decision.

    Wendy, my DH was quite good to me throughout therapy. He cooked, did the grocery shopping, took care of my drainage tubes, went to all doc appointments and chemo, ect, (didn't clean though). But you know what? Even though he did these things there were other things that I needed from him that he apparently couldn't give. So, there's the good and some bad. He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. We've been married for 42 years. I'm getting old!

    I've put up with his crap through the years. I can say I think he's put out more crap for me to shovel than I have him. There is ONE thing he doesn't do and never has and that is to put down one's appearance. Hey, but he's not skinny and he limps around because of his back. What am I going to tell him, don't walk like that!?

    I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is there's no perfect marriage. I hope the counseling will give you what you need. And like you said, you don't have the energy to fight him. Don't. Just take care of yourself.
    Shirley
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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited July 2007
    Well, Wendy, I think your husband may just have a chance! He already has insight into the fact that he may be thought a jerk for what he said.
    I agree that it's not a defense of him, it's just a statement of facts.
    You are a very bright lady and I hope you and your counselor discover all the things you deserve to know about you.
    Hugs, Sweetie!
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  • fire
    fire Member Posts: 153
    edited July 2007

    Wendy, good luck.

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