What does your hubby think of you now?
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Wallan we all change after BC
well... as it shows, no?
After what you went through around and about this crap
you probably may not be at your best at the moment
but your husband turned a great jerk!!
What is his excuse?
I can only agree with what everyone said above,
and after you cool down a bit around this
and digest this better,
if you think that you have to do something,
I can only add one thing, if so...
Do it on your terms and do it for yourself
not for him or thinking about him,
you first.
Flirting with an old girlfriend!!!!!!! ...
Nope, that's far beyond the unacceptable;
around here, it was me that went through BC, so
considering the delicate psychological and emotional state
that all this bring on us...
I decided that only me have the right to flirt whomever.
A comment such as that of an hot old girlfriend
and I'm sorry ... but I would have to ask
if he finds himself so sure that he is at the level
and has what it takes for a woman like that.
Sorry but I do not bite easily that thing
of man being with their emotions all upsidedown
during and after BC,
they even may and may even get just as we, but...
one thing is this and
that doesn't involve lack of respect.
Hugs. -
SHAME ON HIM Wendy!
You need to reset boundaries
with him, this is not acceptable
and person like this only will
get worse if you tolerate same
Maybe counselling
You can rise above this
I have friends with hearing aids
and it is not too much fun for them
at times
Take care of YOU
Hugs
-
Thanks gals for all the healing words. I have stood up for myself for my hubby knows exactly how I feel about it.
He said to me last night that "hot" is in the eye of the beholder. What does that mean??? I told him I was still "hot" and if he didn't think so maybe he should look elsewhere. He said then he knows I am still hot.
Boy, I will not be going to any more reunions with him... and I think I am going to start going braless and prosthesis-less around the neighborhood when we go for walks. Or maybe at the beach... just so he does feel uncomfortable. Maybe I will flirt a little myself... a dose of his own medicine....
Believe me, I did wanna hit him with the keyboard... I played it over and over in my mind....
Wendy A -
So did he ever apologize? Did he ever offer a sincere apology to you???
I'm so sorry Wendy that you're treated this way. I didn't respond earlier because simply I didn't know what to say. I was completely lost for words and sorry seemed just too inadequate.
I don't want to be rude to your husband but let me say he doesn't really seem to regert for what he did. The eye of the beholder? What the h*** does that mean? And I think you're being just too generous and sweet to him. I wouldn't even want to go for walks or anywhere with such a jerk (sorry) until he truly realizes what he did and how he hurt me if I were you. What he did to you is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. It doesn't matter whether or not you only have one boob. To tell "you're not hot anymore" to the woman who has always been there for him for such a long time is plain rude. You should be much angrier. Sierra is right, a person like him will never learn and will only get worse if you toralate.
Wendy, you're any less than you were before this disease. Put him in the oven until crisp and give him a pig. It should have 12 boobs.
Hugs, -
your hubby was an a$$ ..
A$$'s will always let you down...
untell you Stand Up for your self!!!
Hell yes! i would dot his eye if he were my brther in law for that!
as to the stareing most guys wont admit it but it is mainly a currisoriy , like a child will want to see the stump under the artivical legg or arm..after a min. or two it does nothing at all..
most guys will not admit to this!
your hubby is right 'hot' is a realtive thing and is mostly acdental looks and asscoated with stuck up attude.
jest think how can a stuffed pig be sexy?
hot looks are like a small car with a very noisy jap muffler nothing realy there but sound...
so dont worry..
mae west was one of the most sexy women of the 20 century
not for looks but for her come hither and glade to see me attude!!!
9 of 10 men dont have a clue on how to deal with the lost of sexual desire on the part of their partner...
my curse is that i am in that 9 my self...
if you can make your partner as confrotamble with you as your are with your self or more so do so ....
it may be what he is needing...
i know i am... -
Wendy, you do not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully and rudely! I hope somehow he will realize what a jerk he has been!
Big huggs to you and know we are here for you!!
Sherry -
Wendy, I like Nicki's "signature."
"Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them." I believe I quoted that correctly. Your DH is a "boy," not a man.
I'm done.
Shirley -
He said to me last night that
"hot" is in the eye of the beholder.
What does that mean???
It means that he needs an eye specialist.
Men!...
Good you both talked about it,
that's already something.
Take care.
Hugs. -
I don't know what to say...
I think, Wendy, not only your husband think that way about us,
Just some guy's can keep it inside, and him - not.
I think, if he was there for you during treatment, and he is with you now, - do what ever you think is right, but forgive him and try to forget. -
Wendy, You need to have a talk with that 'ol boy!! Those remarks are totally out of line. Have you told him how much he hurt you by his flirting and his remarks about how "hot" the old friend was, and how "un-hot" you are now? If you haven't talked to him yet, sit down NOW and do so. This would make me boil over until I talked it out. So sorry you were made to feel so rotten. That was very insensitive. You do NOT have to tolerate that from anyone, least of all your dh. Mine still treats me like a queen and it makes all the difference! (((HUGS)))
Patti -
Your husband's comments reflect on his own insecurities, and not on you.
He seems to think his worth is reflected in the youth and physical standard beauty of his mate--he wants a trophy wife (at least for the reunion), not a soulmate. Sad. Does he think he still looks young and fit as he did 30 years ago?
Don't know how he'll get out of the doghouse for this one.
I'm heavier, kind of deformed, much older. My husband says I am his hero.
Attractiveness is related to attitude. Nothing like confidence in oneself. Comes from you, not him.
Take care,
--Hattie -
I'm awful about going back and quoting but someone said what I was thinking "what do you think of your h now?"
Not just as a response to our comments - which were pretty predictable, but just to his actions? Seems to me your husband has dug himself a really big hole. You can have reconstruction, get a prosthesis - what the heck is he going to do about a brain transplant? OHIP doesn't cover them. -
Wendy - I read your post with tears in my eyes. You have every right to be upset with your husbands comments. They were rude, insensitive, selfish and just arrogant! Karilynn is right, don't enable him to treat you this way. He needs to understand that facing breast cancer, the treatments, the surgeries, the constant fear we deal with, and the side effects of the treatments are overwhelming. He needs to know how emotionally damaging it is for us, if the one person that we expect to support us no matter what, instead of lifting us up, stomps us into the ground. I have been very blessed to have the most amazing husband. He is constantly telling me how great I look, even with more than 20 extra pounds, no hair, 1 boob, and a 1/2 filled tissue expander. He is supportive and loving just as our husbands should be. Sit him down, let him know how you feel. If he isn't able to love you and be proud of the woman that you are - than the heck with him. You don't need anyone who is going to bring you down!!
Take care Wendy!
Wendy -
Wendy, I am so sorry your hubby would even make a comment like that - and to not introduce you was lower than low. I'm a lot heavier now than I was 25 years ago when we met but my hubby tells me I'm as beautiful as the day we met, scars and all. He was the one who wanted me to have a bilateral because he wanted me around for a long time. I think your hubby was rude and insensitive. I'd give him some attitude all right. We're here for you.
Margaret -
I am overwhelmed by everyone's kind, caring responses. I honestly don't know what to say.
He did sort of apologize for what he did... but not really. Not really.
He can be so loving sometimes, and then such a jerk at other times. I don't have the energy to deal with the repurcussions of this.
Was he there for me during treatment? NO... but we resolved this I thought. He said he was terrified I would die and couldn't deal with it. So I forgave him.
Is he there for me now? No, obviously not. But I like to think so in the good times. But everytime there is something going on, he isn't there. Hmm.....
Get this... my hubby insists that all men are sexually crazed and all men talk about sex, sex, sex and what is hot and what is not... they are pigs, basically. So he says he is being open and honest whereas most men aren't.
How's that for a story?
Wendy A -
Wendy,
All I can think of to say about his story is: "WOW"....
It just amazes me that he can hurt you so emotionally without really seeming to care one way or the other....
You DONT deserve that kind of treatment!!!!!!!!!! -
I sure wish I could "reach out and touch that man!!!!!", I would whap him upside the head!!!!!!!!!
Dang he pi$$es me off....I think you should let us all have just one whack at him, bet his attitude would change in a quick hurry!!!!... -
I'm guessing the story your husband gave about being honest is his way of making himself feel better..or the other pigs he hangs out with thinks it's ok...you're beautiful..he's not
Here's him with his friends!
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Apart from the jerkness level,
you are dealing with a guy that simply
is not, neither has what it takes,
neither knows how to be at your level of needs;
this all you been hearing from him,
it's not about you, it's about him.
While before during dx. and treatment
he could even run and hide,
now ... he can't, so stupidity takes place;
you can not expect him to see your needs
coz he is not even seeing his own needs!! geezzz...
I'll resume this to one thing
coz it's my believe that it's this his problem and fear,
hope you do not get offended, if so I'm sorry,
but I can bet you will understand
what I'm trying to say,
and you can tell him this, that
if he doesn't know how to deal and live with one boob only,
certainly he never knew how to deal with two!!!
Oh Lord
I need to break something!!!!
Is there any chance you both can get counseling?
This is too much work and emotionally exhausting
to be done alone and only by you.
Hugs. -
He needs hitting across the back of the head with a spade.
What gives him the right to say things like that???
I am lucky in that my husband is extremely supportive and i now feel more confident in myself that i did before.
I think you should go out , buy a full length mirror and hang it on his side of the room , making himn look in it to see what 'luke warm' looks like.
Go out places without him and come back happy - he'll soon wonder what you are doing without him.
And as for his old girlfriend - if she was that hot , why didnt he marry her?????? -
I don't know how old your husband is, but he sounds like mentally about 17-19.
No all men do not talk constantly talk about how "hot" a woman is. Actually not even all male teens all the time. -
What a jerk. Hattie hit the nail on the head when she said "Your husband's comments reflect on his own insecurities, and not on you."
If he finds some woman "hot" then that means, to him, that he is hot.
You need to let him know every time he hurts your feelings. Just say it - 'you just hurt my feelings' And tell him why.
If you let him get by with it he will only continue to verbally abuse you to make himself feel more secure.
If that happened to me I probably would have said "too bad she didn't find you so hot."
Your husband is insecure and looking for some way to assure himself that he is hot. You just be sure and let him know how much he hurts you. Don't keep it to yourself.
I really don't think your loss of a breast has anything to do with this.
Men are first attracted to a woman's face - the kind of face they like. This is about your husbands insecurities - his physical and mental losses - not yours. So you stand up for yourself and you protect you from his emotional abuse!
We all love you!
We all love you a lot!
We really do! -
Wendy, if there is anything that I have learned about going through a hardship it brings out the best and worst in people. They usually show their true colors. Their insecurities, compassion or lack of, ability to be a friend or lack of one.
I told everyone when I married my #2 DH that I married him because he would 'wipe my butt' should I ever need it. Let me tell you, in over 8 1/2 years of marriage, he has had to do a lot of wipping! My first DH would have cut and run.
The relationship between you and your DH is your business. We can share our thoughts but how you deal with things and what is worth it to you to fight for to keep your relationship running smoothly is your business. I know. I have BTDT.
There are different levels of support, admiration and love. Many of us here have been blessed with supportive significant others, and many have not been so blessed.
Bottom line, is what acceptable behavior that you will tolerate.
I am 42 years old. I have been thru some really rough times. If it has taught me anything is that I won't tolerate a hell of a lot bad behavior, nor will I put up with people with no character.
I am a different person now.
If my DH said something like that, (which I hope you don't mind I shared with him), I would have kicked his ass out of the house. I would rather be alone, incontrol of the remote than put up with any behavior that made me feel bad about myself.
Just sharing my thoughts.
Wendy you and I have been on this journey over the past 2 years together, we are kindred spirits on the journey, so I am a little over protective of you!
Janis -
Even if all that men could think about was sex, it still wouldn't mean that all men would judge their beloved wives based on looks. What to think about and how to judge are completely different two things. He just said like that because he wanted to make himself look innocent. He treated and hurt you that way because he didn't and still doesn't know what's really important to his life, not because he's sexually crazed.
Wendy, give him a bitch slap or two in his face for me. I am furious.
Hugs, -
Lose the loser. I feel so bad for you, but do not take that crap from him.
I gained 30lbs during chemo and lost half of my boob (which by the way were the one part of my body that I always got compliments on before BC) and my husband always told me he did not care how I looked and that he loved me any shape or form. Ok so he does not quite pay attention to the bad boob like he used to, but hey it could be worse.
Tell your husband to go through what you have and see how he looks and feels. He needs a reality check. Send him to me... I will take care of him for you:) -
Wendy:
I just want to send you a boatload of love, hugs and prayers!! You are one sweet, strong woman and all of us here hope you can feel our love and support!
God bless,
Pat -
Wendy,
I'm so sorry you had to be humiliated like that. What a thoughtless jerk!! My first thought was also: What does he look like now? So many guys are fat, bald, etc., but they actually think some playboy bunny-type would be attracted to them! Crazy! Let him know how he made you feel and be sure he apologizes. (Or else we'll all come over in one big group and whip his sorry behind! lol)
Take care!
-Deb -
Quote:
What a jerk. Hattie hit the nail on the head when she said "Your husband's comments reflect on his own insecurities, and not on you."
Ya know, this is soooo true. There have been many times that I have talked to a friend who was hurt by her husband, mother, sister or whomever and I would tell her that "it's not about you, it's about them." It IS his own insecurities. Hattie is so right.
So, Wendy, do not let his words or actions get you down. I feel sorry for the SOB. No I don't.
I realize that it's just too much for you right now. I know the energy it takes to "fix" things. He's the one that needs fixing. He has so little self worth. He's very lucky to have you for his wife.
Now, Wendy, let the jerk read all these comments. Print them. It should shame him. Perhaps he'd wake up and "see" just how much this hurt you.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Shirley -
Oh Wendy - I know you love your husband, but darling read your last post and pretend you didn't write it. A husband is your partner, your best friend, the person who loves you for who you are and not what you look like. A husband is there to celebrate the good times and to hold you and support you during the bad times. A relationship can't be one-sided and can't only be good when nothing bad is happening. I strongly believe that you don't just abandon your marriage without trying to resolve issues like this, but you don't want to stay in a relationship that is so destructive. The positive attitude of our spouses and their support can make such a difference. You deserve better!! I hope that you and your husband are able to work through this, but don't you compromise!! You are a beautiful woman and deserve so much more! We all love you - and by the way awesome name!
Wendy V -
Dear Wendy,
I hope the situation is being talked out satisfactorily, and fading.He needs you to teach him how to act towards you.
I know for a fact that us attacking your husband (and he SO deserves it!) will make you feel sorry for him, will cause you to defend him.
I dont want to come around to that.
So I'm not gonna say any more nasty things about the jerk.Uh, about him
This caught my interest:
"Get this... my hubby insists that all men are sexually crazed and all men talk about sex, sex, sex and what is hot and what is not... they are pigs, basically. So he says he is being open and honest whereas most men aren't.
How's that for a story?"
Long ago and far away, in the normal, bc-less world, years ago, I was visiting a friend in the country.Her husband was working on the restoration of Valley Forge National Park.Those guys would bring lunches and eat lunch in one of the historic cabins.Make a fire on raw days.
So Steffie asked him what men TALK about, when they're camping like that.
And he thought, and finally said....
"Dog farts"
He DID say they covered other topics, but dog farts were definately a fave, ongoing.
Love to you, Honey.Hope you do take to walking around braless and prosthesisless.And, as Maria said--throwing a keyboard at him is my, too, method.I was a big crockery-breaker in my time Heh heh, if you throw it hard, it shatters like a bomb.
Be OK. We're here for you.
j
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