What does your hubby think of you now?

wallan · July 2007

We went to a 30 year reunion for my hubbies drum and bugle corp this weekend. Lucky me, I met a few old girlfriends of his. One of them, my age of course, was gorgeous.

My hubby saw her and said to me "I am going to go and talk to someone for a minute" and left me sitting at a table. I watched as he approached this woman. After about 15 minutes he came back and told me who it was. He never introduced me or anything. But he noticed that she was being hit on by some guy there, and he felt indignant and angry that someone was hitting on her. And he did flirt with her alot later on as I sat there. He never once introduced me or said who I was.

Anyways, the next day, he told me all the guys thought she was still "hot" at her age. And then he gently told me I was "not hot" anymore. I no longer have a figure and I am always tired or achy or something.

I feel very hurt by this. Its not my fault I had my boob cut off and have gone thru hell for 3 years. I told him this and he obviously feels guilty because he is bringing out pictures of me in my younger before bc days and saying I used to be "hot" or I was sometimes "hot".

But I can't seem to move past this hurt. And just before we got to the reunion, he told me not to "act" stiff or sore. (Aromasin really plays a number on my joints) And not to tell anyone I wear hearing aids but just that I can't hear very well. He said everyone will think I am a weakling or something.

Does anyone else get this kinda of crap??

Wendy A

purplemb · July 2007

Dear Wendy..so sorry you have to deal with the extra baggage...please know I will keep you in my prayers and send you some "chi" to give you strength...
hugs MB

PS I only have one breast and my DH is embarrased sometimes too...sorry for your hurt

iodine · July 2007

What a jerk! Sorry, but does he still look the same in those pictures he brought out? Is his belt size the same? What about his hairline? Are his teeth as white? Same number of chins?

So--she still looks hot, huh? How many husbands has she been thru? Or were they her own or someone elses? How many kids has she stayed up all night with, or dh's has she nursed thru prostate cancer? Or parents has she helped to the other side?
Give me a break!
If he wants "hot", tell him to stick his head in an oven and turn on the gas!

nosurrender · July 2007

Wendy,
I am reading this with steam coming out of me ears. I am sorry but I would like to wring his neck!

MEN!!!

You have every right to feel hurt and he had NO RIGHT to hurt you. And flirting with an old girlfriend in FRONT of you is inexcusable.

I am SO SORRY this happened to you.

Please take a good long look at him now and then compare him to back "then" - I am sure you could find many faults but you are too kind hearted to mention them to him.

(In fact, you might just tell him that)

Sending you a huge hug and trying to understand why men do this to women... it happens far too often and I am so mad about it.

Love,
g

Fitztwins · July 2007

Okay, that was just rude and insensitive. In sickness and in health. Does that mean anything anymore?

I would have been really hurt if my DH said that. D standing for dick head! Then I probably would have slugged him.

I am 30lbs over weight, I have scars all over me. Yes, it bugs me. I know it. I don't need an insensitive boob to tell me so. (bad pun)

I am sorry Wendy, this really pisses me off. Gesh, I think about a lady that was burned terrible in the 9/11 crash in the twin towers. All the scaring. Her husband was by her side. Every step of the way.

UGG....I could go on. Please take your key board and whack him upside the head from me!

Janis

Emelee26 · July 2007

I'm so sorry Wendy..you don't deserve that...
We're here for you

Love Marisa

Anonymous · July 2007

Wendy .. that is just an awful thing that he did. I'm sorry but he doesn't deserve you. He Should feel terrible and more. He owes you big time. I just started this journey in March but I know I've aged many years just since then. I lost my breasts to this beast and gained even more stiffness and pain from the tamoxifen. My SO continually tells me I'm beautiful and sexy. Why is it that women are supposed to be these perfect beautiful beings while men can be whatever and not have it be an issue? Your guy is very shallow, rude, insensitive .. I could go on and on. This kind of crap ticks me off to no end and you're right to be angry and upset. We're all here for you. Biggest hugs!!!

cmb35 · July 2007

Wendy

I'm speechless and so sorry. (Though I did burst out laughing at Dotti's if he wants hot tell him to stick his head in the oven - that was funny!)

Hurtful doesn't even begin to describe what he did.

Hugs to you

Anonymous · July 2007

Wendy,
Im so furious at your DH....I cant believe he would do something like that!!!!...
I dont want to rant and rave about this, but had to say that Dotti's venom should be directly in his face!!!!!
This is one of the most cruel things Ive ever heard of between a man and a woman that have had a long relationship that it saddens me to the bottom of my heart and makes me pray that he feels like as "A$$"!!!!!!!!!for a really, really long time!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs
Jule

marshakb · July 2007

Wendy, I think alot of sisters worry about this very thing. I had my surgery 7 months ago and while I feel disfigured, my DH has made a point to make sure I still think of myself as sexy and hot to him. I can't imagine that changing in 3 years, but how do I really know that? The little naggy "dark" thoughts that BC brings with it can have keep you up at night.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you mind if I ask a question? How was he when you were going thru with treatment and the time after that. Were you like me 3 years ago, bragging how wonderful my hubby is?

Big hug to you Wendy cause I think you are living what alot of us worry about privately. Thank you for bringing this up. ((((((((((WENDY))))))))))))))

Love, Marsha

snhb · July 2007

As Iodine said, what a jerk is right. So sorry to hear that he acted like that to you. You should tell him that if heaven forbid, he had one of his testicles removed, you'd like to see how well he would look, or act, or even be standing up, let alone feeling achey. Can you imagine?? Men cringe if they see a movie where the guy gets hit in the groin, so could you imagine if they lost one?? As Iodine said if he wants hot he should stick his head in the oven, or better yet some other part of his anatomy in a waffle iron. Don't let him get to you, you are a survivor.

Valsul · July 2007

Wendy, you are beautiful, and like me have lost a boob to this illness and like me you are taking every day to get back to "normal." I wonder how he would manage that?

So is he so "hot?" I love it when men think that the women are the ones who should be "hot?" Dotti's suggestion is right on the money. He shouldn't have said that to you at all.

I am 57, fat and my libido has gone down the drain with every dose of Arimidex, along with my achy joints, no boob and a crappy scar, but my poor DH thinks I'm so sexy and still "hot." I know this is a desperate man talking (!)and it's all hogwash, but it does my confidence a power of good. And that's what he should be doing.

Did he think he had a chance with her? She'd probably eat him for breakfast and spit out the bones.

Big hugs, Wendy. Go kick him in the balls and tell him that's what he did to you, figuratively speaking. Preferably when he's down.

hooptiedoo · July 2007

My husband hasn't been nearly so cruel (and what your husband did WAS cruel) but he has certainly been more critical of my appearance since the BC. Since he is even more overweight than me and has even more surgical scars, I just ignore him.

lvtwoqlt · July 2007

My husband told me the day after my bi-mast June 1 that he thougth that I was more beautiful than ever. That was when I was feeling at my lowest. He still tells me every day that he loves me even more because I am going to be around even longer to love. I am so sorry that your husband is such a low-life to even say that you are not "hot" any more.

livesstrong · July 2007

Wendy,

OMG, you have every right to be upset. I would have kicked my DH's arse right there at the reunion.

I don't know what else to say, other then we are here for you and you are-

STILL HOT!!!!!

Valerie

roseg · July 2007

I don't think I'd go to any more reunions with him again!

Has your husband had a personality change or is he always on the blunt and insensitive path?

I totally agree with Iodine - if he isn't the same fellow you married -34 inch waist, full head of hair, promising career- then he's got no room to talk.

Sometimes I think husbands need to know when they've made us mad. Be sure he knows that. Their heads are thick sometimes. My husband called me thunder thighs on our honeymoon, a mistake he's never made again

karen1956 · July 2007

Wendy _ I am so very sorry that you husband was so hurtful to you. His behavior is just uncalled for and mean spirited. I sure hope he realizes how much he has hurt you and apolgizes. Tell your hubby to get a grip on life and realize what he has at home, a courageous, wonderful women!!! Evidentally he doesn't realize what a gem he has.
I am lucky that my DH still considers me sexy - even with all my aches and pains, scars and lack of "mojo". I too have a hearing aid, but it is me who is too vain to wear it. I quit wearing it when I lost my hair. I know I have trouble hearing and it is time to start using it again. Hardly anyone besides my DH (and maybe my older daughter) know I have the hearing aid. I have had the hearing loss since a kid. I am 51 and sure don't feel sexy, and have to try very hard to be more than a roommate to my DH (that is his biggest complaint is that he thinks I treat him more like a room mate and caretaker than lover). I am trying to work on this as he is a wonderful husband and father.
Again, Wendy, HUGS for the hurtful behavior of your husband to you. Karen in Denver

Toronto · July 2007

Well Dotti made me laugh too, and I can't top her response.

The only thing that can be said in your husband's defense is that he feels guilty. It ain't much but it is something. I haven't asked my husband how he feels about me and he doesn't tell me daily that I'm "hot". However he doesn't try to explain to me, gently or otherwise that I am not.

I find it very difficult to believe that your husband is now in as perfect condition as he was when you married him. For sure mine isn't and he isn't dumb enough to get me started on his shortcomings.

Biker54 · July 2007

OMG, Wendy, that is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard! I do like Iodine's solution. I'd rather stick "Mr. Happy" in a Mammogram machine! Luckily for me, my DH has been wonderful over the last 3 1/2 years and still considers me sexy. If he would have had the nerve to make a comment like that to me, I would have kicked him in the balls! Gentle hugs to you! Remember, You Are Beautiful, Dammit!!! I also agree with the others. Is he as "hot" as he was when you married him? If not, you could tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it ! My mom used to say that, lol.

Anonymous · July 2007

Well, MY DH surely doesn't look the same as he did when we married 42 years ago. And I don't either. My DH has aches and pains and so do I. I would DARE HIM, no DOUBLE DARE him, to say suggest to me to not look stiff or sore. Now, don't get me wrong, my DH isn't perfect by any means. But there's ONE thing he never does -- he doesn't put down my looks. I feel self conscious at times about only having one boob, but I don't hide from him. I am WHAT I AM. And I need to lose weight and so does he.

Wendy, I don't know what to say. I would have been very hurt also. You should have gone up to this woman WHILE your DH was flirting with her and introduced yourself.

I've never been to a class reunion (I'm from Texas..don't know if they've had one) and I don't want to go to one.

Shirley

KariLynn · July 2007

We train people how to treat us. Don't put up with his crap and let him know that you won't put up with it.

I'm sorry your DH was so rude and hurtful to you. Big hugs to you.

Kari

wildabouthorses · July 2007

Wendy, what an insensative jerk your hubby was! He obviously was only thinking of himself and not of you. I wear hearing aids too but my hubby automatically tells everyone to speak up and face me as I read lips and have lost more hearing in the past few years. I have had a hearing aid since I was about 6 after being diagnosed and have worn 2 of them for nearly 20 years now. Oddly now on Tamoxifin I have ringing in my ears and hear even less now.

I think you two have some issues to work out especially after the way he treated you and those remarks really stung! I would let him know how ashamed he made you feel. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. If he only loved you because at one time you were "hot"...he obviously didn't love you for being "YOU!" If he doesn't apologize...I'd kick his sorry a#$ to the door! You deserve better!

Anonymous · July 2007

Wendy,

I am so sorry that you had to endure his cruel remarks. I do agree with Kari about how people treat us - I sure hope you stand up to him and tell him that is a TOTALLY unacceptable way to talk to you or to treat you! You deserve better - everyone does!

I think men who are insecure rely on their women to make them look good. He was worried that people would judge you (as harshly as he does - but of course no one would!) and that would reflect on him. I don't know how you look but, I'll bet you're VERY attractive - I believe we ARE all beautiful - and I think his remarks say nothing about you but a LOT about him...your task now is to let him know that you won't tolerate that again - EVER! Good luck to you - sending you cyber hugs!

Mandy

Anonymous · July 2007

I also think Kari nailed it: people will treat you as badly as you let them. Rose suggested you let him know he hurt you and that it just won't be tolerated. Couldn't agree more!

Sorry he was such an idiot . After you whack him with the keyboard for Janis, can you please hit him again for me?

Shirlann · July 2007

Men can be such insensitive jerks!

Man oh man, I would just take his hands, sit down, and calmly tell him how badly all that happened that evening hurt you. Then just stop talking and listen.

Often, men are just idiots.

We think and know, you are beautiful.

Hugs, Shirlann

SandyInNJ63 · July 2007

Men don't have a freakin' clue.

It's hard enough being a woman because so much emphasis is placed on youth and beauty, but add into that aging (either by natural means or medicated means), then toss in some breast cancer and its' cruel treatments to a womans' body and mind, not to mention libido.... and then you have men, with all their selfishness who can't seem to understand all of the issues we're trying to pull ourselves up and out of. A man who understood, and really "got it", could never be as selfish as to actually assist in pushing his wife's self-esteem even further down than she already sees herself. They don't get it. They just don't seem to grasp, or care, that with every "hot" woman that gets their attention, especially if being obvious about it, they just don't have a clue how much that effects women in general, not to mention women that have been through the body image issues that we all have.

Honestly, sometimes I hate men. There are good ones, but generally speaking, their behaviors sicken me.

gracejon · July 2007

I'm speechless! My mom taught me how to make people feel guilty. I never use it but I think this would be one time I would pull out all stops. Not to be tolerated and he darn well would realize how awful it was to share those statements.

pnut2 · July 2007

i am too pissed for words!! remember; you are a precious woman who is blessed by being a survivor and the people you are around. i have you in my prayers. He has serious issues.

JoanofArdmore · July 2007

Dear Wendy,
I'm so sorry you had to endure that , on top of what you have gone through.You deserve a helpmate, not a bastard.
Dont act stiff?? Hey I guess no one should see me when I struggle out of a chair, or get out of my car.And does he think you're doing it to get sympathy or something?Does he think "ACTING" stiff is FUN??

I belong to a beautiful place calledThe Wellness Community.It's for cancer patients and survivors.The grounds are unbelievably beautiful, and healing.There are support groups and classes.
I was at a function and I met a really beautiful bc survivor.She was young,slender, she was HOT.And she was so "stiff" she had a silver-tipped cane.The fact that it was silver-tipped told me this was ongoing.

How DARE he tell you gently you're not hot anymore?Oh!How ANGRY I am!!

As Rose said, I would go to no more reunions with him.Or gatherings of any sort.How DARE he???
Where is the husbandly caring, the support?

My ex--I met him for the first time in years, one night at the supermarket.
Here he was-a total blonde studmuffin.He always was.He is 10 years younger than I, and really well-built and naturally thin.Handsome.
He takes a look at me, all puffed and fat from steroids.He looks at me balefully, up & down, and pronounces..."You need to run."
I wore a hoody sweatshirt.I pulled the hood off, and, bald as an egg, told him what was up with me.Heeheehee!You should have seen him!Absolute TERROR.
But when he recovered himself what did he say?
"You need to run."

Well I DID say my EX.Some men are just not good enough to be husbands, no matter how they look.

Hugs, Wendy.I'm very sorry.I hope you can get over this.I can imagine how it hurts you each time you think of it.
Sending healing thoughts.J

althea · July 2007

What you described is deplorable and everything all the previous posters said times 10. I personally am divorced, and I'm so glad my divorce came prior to my journey into bc.

I recall when I told one of my close friends about my dx, I remember saying this: "Well, I got rid of one boob, I suppose I can stand to lose another one." Some guys are just wasting the air they breathe.

So, how about rephrasing your question, now that we've all trounced all over your DH and dragged him through the mud. ....what do YOU think of your husband now?

Blundin2005 · July 2007

Hi Wallan,

First let me say ... feel free to share my response with your husband.

Dear Dick....

.....head is a bit small. F*&$# off.

Sincerely yours,
Marilyn

Then, "ditto" Iodine. Except the how many times married because it took me three times before, not casually, I found "the best and last love of my life".

What does your hubby think of you now?

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