Supporting my friend ...

Hi all,

Just joined today and in need of a little guidance.

I'm not a family member of the person I want to talk to you about, but she is a very good friend and I couldn't find a 'friends' section. I hope you don't mind me posting here.

I'm a teacher, (male, despite my username!) and my friend is my Teaching Assistant in the infant school where we work. We have worked together for 10 years, and for much of the last 5 that has been in the same class together. She is now in the advanced stages of her illness. She worked until the last Wednesday of term, despite being in some considerable pain due to what turned out to be a growing tumour in her liver.

She phoned me two days ago to say that the team at our local hospital have now said she has just a few weeks to wait. She is being cared for at home, using painkillers, where she is also strongly supported by her wonderful husband and two teenage sons.

I asked if she was up to receiving visitors, to which she said 'Yes, just give me a ring first'. She has remained, at least externally, very positive throughout the last two years of the regression of her illness, and has defied expectations and prognoses of doctors thus far. Her attitude has always been very open and honest, though it is only recently that I have heard her talk about her death more freely. She has many friends, of course all women, at the school where we work, to whom she chats a lot more about things, but with whom I am not so close that I share many conversations about her with them. I feel they might know more about how she is genuinely feeling than I do, but I don't really know any of them so well to ask. I think there is a difference between what she tells them and me, for fairly obvious reasons.

Additionally I don't know her family that well, almost just to say hello to. Though today I bumped into her husband, and bumbled my way through a conversation during which he barely contained his emotions as I wittered on nervously and inanely.

And therein lies the matter I'm posting about - when I visit my friend, I don't want the moment to be made awkward by my inexpert rambling - I feel as a friend I ought to know what to do to put her at ease and not feel awkward. My normal way is to talk of the practical - ask questions about the treatment in a matter of fact way, about the practical considerations of working etc., but I want to offer emotional support too, without making her feel I've come for my own emotional needs.

On the other hand, I want her to know that she is someone who I love, and will miss hugely as a friend and as a colleague. But that seems selfish to me - which is why I tend to stick to the practical side - I am happy, more than happy, talking about emotional or difficult things, but I am unsure if it is appropriate.

What kind of things might be on or off the agenda when I go to see her? Is there anything I can do or should avoid doing? I am so confused over what is the best approach to take - I hope you can help. Any replies gratefully received.

Thank you so much for reading,

nelly