Life Partner has Mets, I feel alone

fraid2lose · May 2007

Hello all,
I am new here, but I sure need some help. My life partner has been battling this horrible evil since 04. We just found out she has mets. My family knows we are gay, and they are fantastic. Her family, on the other hand, is not so great. We live closer to her family than mine, and it has been a constant battle for me. When she had her initial surgeries there I was, and there they were. They would take all the calls from the surgery room, I mean I think you probably know what I mean. Any way, she is my life. I love her more than I could ever express in words. Our life has changed dramatically, and I am not sure I am doing things right. Mostly, I don't have anyone to talk to. So, I am looking to anyone out there who might find themselves in the same situation.

Anonymous · May 2007

Im not in the same situation as you, but I would like to be your friend.
Im so sorry the family is treating you this way....this is an awful time for all of you and a time that everyone should draw together to help her...
If you dont feel comfortable talking here please feel free to pm me or email(the address is in my profile) just put bc.org in the subject line so I dont accidently delete you....

Now I want to tell you what a wonderful site you have found here. It doesnt matter to us what your situation is...we are all in this together and we are here to help each other...Dont be afraid to post here with question or just to vent if thats what you need.

Jule

fraid2lose · May 2007

I truly appreciate your post. It's really horrible to be alone, and I will be perfectly honest,,,sometimes I don't want to talk about it with her, because it scares me to death. I just want to make like an ostrich, and bury my head, she is up and moving, so, let's just forget about it. And I know that is probably the worst thing i can do,,,,right?

Anonymous · May 2007

Your here so I know that you dont want to just forget about it...you know the situation and you know what could be involved for your partner...but I completely understand the feelings you are having....when I first found my lump I didnt tell a sole, I kept thinking it would go away and I wouldnt have to deal with it....just the way you are thinking this will go away even though you know it wont....its ok to ignore things sometimes, like when she feels good and wants to do things together, the times that you have together like that are the most important for her...and it might surprise you that she might even feel the need to keep things as normal as possible and sometimes that means being that ostrich....I have days that I do it myself and I know that those around me do too...its ok to be scared for her and with her...because of the love you have for her you are both going through a very emotional time and you need to have an outlet for the things that you feel too...
I hope that by being here you have found that outlet...
Talk again soon
Jule

iodine · May 2007

Please don't feel alone, come here when you can. We'll help when we can. There is a board for lesbians as well, just scroll up a few. But you can hang out here as well.

My dh has been thru 2 types of cancer in the past year and tho I felt strongly that he would do well, and he has, it's still a big stress and I know that.

I have always hated the way partners are treated by families who don't accept alternate life styles. I am so sorry her family has not treated you well, that must be so hard to take. Hopefully when things settle down you and she can discuss it and get that out in the open and she can address it with her family and straighten (scuse the pun) it out for the future.

Ck. on ya later.

zz123 · May 2007

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with your in-law's homophobia on top of your partner's mets. I can't imagine anything more stressful. Is there any way that they'll eventually come around? I don't know how long you've been together, but I do know that sometimes the longer you're together the more accepting families can become. At least that was our experience.

One thing you said that really struck me was whether you thought you were doing things right. I've learned on this journey is there's no right or wrong way to deal with a serious diagnosis that works for everybody. You need to do what feels right for you and your partner. If that means being an ostrich for awhile, then be an ostrich. Like Jule said, we all do it occasionally because a serious dx is overwhelming at times. I would also recommend spending some time reading these boards. I don't always feel like posting, but I read here every day. It's not only informative, but comforting as well.

Dnicoletto · May 2007

My heart and a hug go out to you. My husband is there to listen, or not. To hug, or not. He leaves it up to me, but I always know he is there. That's all i need.

I will say a little prayer for you two, to have the strength to deal with ignorance and cancer. One or the other is quite enough, Lord knows.

All the best to you and I hope to see you posting again!

~Dorie

RobinTN · May 2007

I will be praying for you and your partner and for the unaccepting family to have a change of heart.Know this dear,when you come here you are never alone.We all will help you anyway we can.

AlaskaDeb · May 2007

Just dropping in with a hug. I hope you find a way to make some peace with your SO's parents. I can only imagine that would make things so much harder.

Let us know if you have a question. Is your partner getting any treatment?

Deb C

susanmcm · May 2007

hey heather is zat you?? Glad you made y our way to the boards. I hope you visit with the family was good. You know in some ways this is harder on you than her. Everyone is worried about her. She will be getting treatment. Her parents regard you as a nuisance (at best). And yet you are doing an equal amount if not more worrying. Here's my hug also. i'm here if you need me.

susan

3degreesN · May 2007

My partner also has mets. When she was first diagnosed (a year ago), we also "put our heads in the sand" for a bit until we could absorb the news. Everyones story is different, but they all share a common thread. I hope you realize that you are not alone in this. I pray that her family will also be able to support and accept you.
Cathy

NarberthMom · May 2007

Hi!

One suggestion ... do you and your partner have medical powers of attorney? You might want to consider seeking a lawyer to discuss these issues. That might give you more rights as a partner in terms of helping your loved one with her medical issues ...
Hugs,
Hillary

fraid2lose · May 2007

Thank you for making me feel welcome here, especially those of you who understand how hard it is to deal with homophobia. It's bad enough my lp has to deal with bc, but to deal with a family that is homophobic. Sometimes I wonder if she would be better off not dealing with the homophobic part. I brought that up, and then she thought I was trying to run out on her. I would never do that! I just want to make things as easy as I can for her. She has enough on her plate.

Member_of_the_Club · May 2007

One of the hardest things for any spouse is that they are suffering themselves, while trying to remain strong for their partner. Do you have someone aside from your partner you can talk to, so you have a place to take the hard stuff without putting it on her? A therapist? Also, in some communities there are support groups specifically for lesbians with breast cancer and their partners. if you can find such a thing where you live, it might help.

fraid2lose · May 2007

I have family members I can talk to. They know and love my lp as I do. I have been out and about my whole life, it wasn't always this way, but I think they have figured I'm not going through "a phase" this long. But when it gets really bad for me, I can call my sister and talk to her. I don't see a therapist.

ramonajane · May 2007

Hi fraid2lose - welcome. I'm sorry you ended up here, but glad you found us.

I'm a lesbian, too, and my partner is surviving breast cancer. We don't have the scenario you described, but can certainly relate to homophobia and discrimination.

Please count me among your friends here. I can certainly relate to the wide variety of emotions, wanting to talk about it, not talk about it, not sure when/how to talk about it.

We (lesbian partners of women w/ BC) are in a bit of a unique situation, in my experience. Most everything for partners is oriented toward men. But we can help each other and those who will come after us.

I'll be watching for your posts. And thinking of you, hoping things improve.

fraid2lose · May 2007

Thank you for your kind words. Although I knew there were others out there somewhere with my same situation, it's nice to actually be in contact.
ramonajane-what has been the hardest thing for you?

mariacormier · May 2007

Hi fraid2lose,
I am so sorry both of you have to deal with all of this. You both should have to focus on the medical aspect,not how they feel about your personal situation. Even though your lp has metastasis, there are many new treatments, even since 2004. What are they recommending and what is her prognosis?Perhaps, she might be eligible +/or willing to do some clinical trials. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Maria

ramonajane · May 2007

Quote:

ramonajane-what has been the hardest thing for you?

The hardest thing for me has been to watch my partner struggle with her changed body. She's just beginning to do that now, and it makes me so sad. She knows she has my support, and knows that I love her and her body however it looks. But we both know that she must go through that struggle to get to the other side.

Its hardest because there is nothing I can do. I'm a great researcher, caregiver, appointment-maker, and so on. So during the acute phase, I was fabulous. In my element. I am an organizer by nature, and my motto was "If we're going to do cancer, we're going to do it in an organized way." And we did.

But it is not possible to organize her emotional struggles for her, nor would I want to. That's very personal. I listen, hug, listen, answer questions, listen, reassure, and keep listening. She's making progress. And she knows that she's loved unconditionally by me. That's the best we can do at this point.

fraid2lose · May 2007

I'm an ostrich. Bury my head. It will all go by. Fortunately she is the great organizer, researcher. I go with her as much as my work wi. ll allow. I am there to question her oncologist and treatment when I know she wants to, but for some reason on that particular day, can't. I just want her beside me and I don't want to lose her. We have gone through so much just to be together,,,all the prejudice, the changes, finally we had the home we had dreamed about for many years,,,and now this. I don't care what her body looks like,,,even though it is so different than it was. Our world is upside down, and sometimes I am just so angry. She is such a wonderful, loving, accepting, forgiving person. I will never understand why it had to be her,,,,why it had to be us. Then, on the other hand,,,,I say it is just one more test,,,and we will persevere, we will win....We didn't go through all of the stuff that we have to lose it like this....

Life Partner has Mets, I feel alone

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