Paralyzed by fear.

ccox · March 2007

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003 a week after returning from her sister's funeral. Her sister had colon cancer. My mother had always gone for mammograms and just a year before she was fine. At diagnosis she had 3 tumors at 3-5cm each and cancerous cells in her lymph nodes. They gave her the most strenuous chemo possible, and a mastectomy of her left breast. She was given a clean bill of health and everything was great for about a year until it came back in her lungs. Since then its been one bad scan after another. Today they decided to resume chemo for the 3rd time. The doctor said he wanted to catch it before it affected her breathing.
I'm so scared. My mother laughs it off and puts on a brave face and she won't have anyone feeling sorry for her, but I know she's scared too. I graduated college the month after her original diagnosis and for the past four years I've been paralyzed. I'm afraid to do anything or make any plans because I don't want to be away from my mother in case something happens. I planned on moving because where I'm at there aren't a lot of job opportunities but my fear won't let me. I was in a bad relationship but still considered accepting his marriage proposal just so my mom could see me married and starting a family. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life but I'm so terrified that something will happen to my mother while I'm away that I'm not accomplishing anything. I pray daily for God to take this away from her, give it to me even, but it just seems like the more I pray the worse she gets.
Every statistic I read about metastatic cancer is negative especially for African-American women. I just want to know is there anybody out there with a positive story about women who have lived long after diagnosis with metastatic breast cancer? And how do you live with the shadow thats constantly hanging there?

maryannecb · March 2007

I know a lady who lived for 20 years with BC which had spread to her lung after 10 years. She was well until age 87 when she did become ill and died peacefully in a short time.

Your Mother probably wants you to live your life, if she has an otherwise good support system you should spread your wings. Do NOT marry someone for the wrong reasons.

In this day and age you can be home in a day from almost anywhere.

Fists up!

ccox · March 2007

Thank you so much. I never here those kinds of stories. It's comforting amid all the statistics.
It amazes me how people like you and my mother can be so reassuring and patient with people like me, when it should be the other way around. You are an angel. Best of luck to you and you are officially in my prayers.

ramonajane · March 2007

Quote:

I just want to know is there anybody out there with a positive story about women who have lived long after diagnosis with metastatic breast cancer?

My brother's mother-in-law lived 12 years with bone mets. Twelve quality-filled, memory-making years.

Fists up!

Hattie · March 2007

I think it is harder to be the support person than the one with cancer.
Your mom has more treatment ahead of her--treatment is hard, but living is good.

I bet your mom is still living her life. I bet she will be proud to see you accomplishing things that you want to do. Start doing them, while she is here to celebrate with you. Call on the phone often, email, and be with her when you can. She is raising her daughter to be a happy fulfilled person--show her what a good job she has done. Your standing still will not prevent anything bad from happening to your mom, but while you do that you give up a chunk of her life and yours too. It's time to live, for both of you.
Take care,
--Hattie

sjoc · March 2007

My son wanted to put off going away to college when I was diagnosed. I insisted that he follow the plans we had made. I would have felt horrible for him to put his dreams and life on hold. He comes home frequently to visit and we talk on the phone often. Your mother will take great joy and pride in seeing you succeed. As for getting married - your mother would not want to see you in a bad relationship. That would break her heart. You need to live your life. Dealing with fear is very difficult, try not to let it overcome you. Find someone to talk to, it will help. You can find inner strentgh, it sounds as though your mother has found hers. Good luck to you both - Sandy

badboob67 · March 2007

I'm sorry your family is going through this. I know that there is a woman at my church that was told she was stage 4 over 10 years ago. You'd never know she had BC if she didn't tell you!

The way I live with my METS is to understand the risks and statistics, but to know in my heart that everyone is different. Of all the statistics, there are always exceptions. I hold onto the fact that I could be one of the exceptions. I pray a lot and have faith that God knows what he's doing. I have laid my worries at his feet (and sometimes I have to KEEP laying them down!) because I really have no control of the situation. I understand your fears about moving away and the other concerns you have, but please think about this: when will you decide it's "safe" to move on with your life? I know that I would feel worse if I knew that my cancer was keeping my kids from moving forward and seeking joy and and a fulfilling life. And, ohmygoodness, don't marry someone you don't absolutely adore! You don't marry the person you can live with; you marry the person you can't live without.

I was diagnosed with BC (and extensive bone mets at the same time) last February. I hope to be a success story someday, too.

ccox · March 2007

Ramonajane thanks for the positive stat!

Hattie you are right. My mom is going stronger than ever redecorating her house and spending more time than ever in her crafts something she has always loved. I guess it is harder to see someone you love in danger than to be the one in danger. Now I know how she felt all the years sitting with me through asthma attacks.

SJoc thanks for the advice, you sound like my mother. She always tells me to get on with life. Tell me, does it bother you when your son brings up his fears about your cancer? I worry that I don't talk about it enough and then I worry that talking about it will make my mother feel bad.

Badboob67! (love the name) Thanks for the survivor story thats what I like to hear. It reaffirms what I hope in my heart to be true.

I believe my mother can live a long life where cancer is more of a chronic illness than a terminal one. I hope the same for all of you. Thank you so much for being blessings and I will be praying for you all!

truthseeker · March 2007

DC,
As a Mom I can tell you the one of the most important things to me right now is to know that my children will be OK no matter happens to me. I don't want them putting their lives on hold for me. Actually, it would be great burden to me if I thought that they were. Your Mom needs the peace that comes with knowing that you are living a full enriching life. Believe it or not, it will make all the things that she has to deal with much more bearable.

"The Only Thing That Is True About Me Is What God Knows"

sjoc · March 2007

Hi - When my son would express his concerns and fears with me, I did feel sad. Not because of him bringing up the subject, but because I hated to see how me having bc affected him. I was glad that he would talk to me. My youngest son, who was 17 when I was diagnosed kept everything in for a while and I was so glad when he finally was able to talk to me. We had many wonderful conversations and still do. I wanted to explain what was going on and what to expect next but didn't want to overload my sons with too much info at once. Don't be afraid to talk to your mom. She wants to help you through this as much as you want to help her. Good thoughts for both you and your mom. - Sandy

ccox · April 2007

Thanks truthseeker. I don't want to make my mom feel guilty about me worrying. That's good advice.

Sandy thank you. You're a good mom, I can tell!

How do you make plans with breast cancer? I mean we want to make vacation plans with my mom, but it's hard because we don't know what her chemo or surgery schedule is like. God knows she deserves a vacation after all she's been through, but I don't want to push the situation either, with her future being so uncertain.

badboob67 · April 2007

Making plans in the midst of treatments and surgeries is hard, but it can be done! Be sure to communicate with your mom's doctors and let them know what you'd like to do. They can try to arrange treatments around vacations and family events. It's very important that your mom gets to do things like that! There are lots of women on the METS board here that take regular vacations; some travel the world! They are able to do this because of the cooperation of their doctors and being educated about the risks involved. I bet if you posted on the RECURRENCE AND METASTATIC DISEASE part of these boards, there would be plenty of ladies there that can give you advice and suggestions.

Also, have you talked with your mom's doctors or cancer center about a support group for families? I bet you could find some help there in dealing with your worries and concerns.

Paralyzed by fear.

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