BI-RADS 5, biopsies this week. Tell my adult daughter?

Options
NayaBean
NayaBean Member Posts: 50
edited June 2021 in Waiting for Test Results

New here!

I just saw the report from my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. The report says BI-RADS 5. I have an ultrasound-guided core needle biopsy on two sites tomorrow, and a stereotactic biopsy on a third site Thursday.

I need to decide whether to tell my 28-year-old daughter about this now, or whether it would be cruel to make her worry about the biopsy results along with me.

My daughter lives nearby, and we are very close. We speak a number of times a day. She has mental health issues, but I think is dealing with them well, and has a psychiatrist and a therapist whom she can reach out to. Still, that is a concern.

My inclination is just to suck it up and keep quiet until I get a definitive diagnosis. But it's hard -- I am anxious, and want to talk about it with someone close. I think I have to hold off telling her until I have the biopsy results, but I thought I would look for advice here.

Has anyone been in this situation, and how did you deal with it?

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • DutchieGirl
    DutchieGirl Member Posts: 103
    edited May 2021

    So sorry to hear that you're going through this, Meredith Jane. With my own situation, I did wait to tell my adult children until I had a diagnosis and treatment plan in hand. I didn't like keeping it from them but I also didn't want them to stew about it either. I figured if I could tell them the news with some level of confidence in the treatment plan, they would be more at ease with everything. I'm glad I did it this way but everyone is different.

    Good luck to you. This is an excellent site for information and support. I'm so glad I found it when I did.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • KBL
    KBL Member Posts: 2,521
    edited May 2021

    MeredithJane, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this alone right now. I have a 31-year-old daughter. I had two previous scares, which it turns out weren't really scares, it really was cancer, but they missed the diagnosis. Anyway, one was in 2013, one in 2016, and then I was diagnosed in 2019. I told my daughter all three times right from the beginning. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I've always been very honest with her and did not want to keep it from her.

    I think you have to make the choice whether you think your daughter can handle it. I understand the closeness because that is me and my daughter. I've always been open. I don't know how not to be.

    Hugs to you.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Janet_111
    Janet_111 Member Posts: 41
    edited May 2021

    Dear MeredithJane , I am sorry you are going through that. I read many posts since my radiologist told me about my suspicious things in my mammogram and told me for biopsy. I saw some posts where they were BIRAD 5 but still not cancer . I hope same thing happens with you. When my mom diagnosed with cancer I was 31 years old and I was big support to her.

    Cancer patients deals with many emotional issues. It’s good when they have their love once support.

    I wish you good luck.
    hugs

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NayaBean
    NayaBean Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2021

    Thank you all so much for your advice and for sharing your own experiences.

    After reading your replies and thinking about it some more, my current plan is to hold off talking to my daughter until I get the biopsy results, which should be soon. (The radiologist said it would be three to five business days.)

    My thinking on this now is based in part on what happened with one of yesterday's two planned core needle biopsies. The radiologist decided to start with a fine needle aspiration for the first lump -- a lymph node -- because she thought it looked as if it might be just fluid-filled. Well, she was right! The cool part was seeing that sucker deflate before my eyes, on the computer screen, within about two seconds. So as to that one lump, the BIRADS 5 is just . . . irrelevant. Which means I am glad I did not tell my daughter about that suspicious lymph node, causing her to worry, when in the end it was nothing.

    The other lump (in the breast, not a lymph node) was not fluid-filled, and the radiologist went ahead with a core needle biopsy. So the news there might not be so great. But I think I will hold off talking to my daughter about this until I hear the news, so I have a clearer idea of what's going on and what we'll have to deal with. And at least I don't have to wait long, assuming the pathology comes in as soon as the radiologist said.

    Again, thanks so much for your replies. I am very glad I found this forum.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Celand
    Celand Member Posts: 264
    edited May 2021

    MeredithJane,

    So sorry that you are going through this. I waited until I received my diagnosis before I told my two daughters. They are both adults but one has mental health issues and the other has learning disabilities, both have anxiety, so for me this was the best decision for my situation. Although this news was upsetting to both of them they handled it well once it sunk in. Everyone's family situation is unique and you will make the right decision for yours.

    I am also grateful to have joined this Forum and recommend it to everyone I meet who has been diagnosed with BC. I mentioned it last month at my local BC support group meeting as an excellent source of online support.

    Celand

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Spookiesmom
    Spookiesmom Member Posts: 9,568
    edited May 2021

    I had to wait to tell my 50 yo DD I may have had cancer for the 3rd time. Her dad was going downhill fast from bone Mets, we were all dealing with that. She wasn’t doing so well with that, and I just couldn’t.

    After he passed, and the PET came back clean I told her. It’s an individual decision you know your family best. Do what feels right for you, and them.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NayaBean
    NayaBean Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2021

    Thank you, Celand and Spookiesmom!


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • 2019whatayear
    2019whatayear Member Posts: 767
    edited May 2021

    Also once you have your biopsy results if there are to be next steps you can share the plan which definitely helps to relieve some of the worry and whatifs

    Happy the lymph node turned out to be nothing.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NayaBean
    NayaBean Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2021

    Update: I just found out today from the radiologist that it is, indeed, cancer. (With that BIRADS 5, I wasn't too surprised.)

    I talked with my daughter on the phone today --- she called me -- but we just chatted. I want to tell her in person. I will be seeing her on Saturday, if not sooner. Although I don't have a treatment plan just yet, I think I will go ahead and tell her. The radiologist says she thinks it is likely stage 1 or 2, and that it is nowhere near "3- or 4-land." She does think I will need a mastectomy, but oh well!

    Anyway, I think that it is enough information to give my daughter, and of course I will emphasize the stage estimate. Having said that, I am not *entirely* sure I will tell her before I know the stage and the treatment plan for sure. In the next couple days, I will continue to think about whether to tell her at this point.

    I have told one friend so far. I think for everyone else, I will wait until the treatment plan is in place. (The hardest person will be my son, who is fragile as far as his mental health, even more than my daughter, and who lives in a city a plane-ride away. I want to tell him in person, so I guess I will get on a plane and visit him. I will definitely wait until I know more before that trip.)

    Thanks again, everyone, for your advice!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • moth
    moth Member Posts: 4,800
    edited May 2021

    I'm sorry you have this diagnosis even if the birads odds were stacked against you, one always hopes.

    I just wanted to say that I'd worry about telling one family member and not another because ime it can cause a lot of pain to people - both for the secret keepers and the people who find out later.

    I didn't speak up on this thread but I'm a tell everyone things early person. I don't hold stuff back. My husband & my kids knew I was going for tests, they found something but didn't know what, I was going for a biopsy etc etc etc. Once diagnosed, again, I told everyone in my immediate family quickly, told a few friends and designated people to inform others (& to tell them to pls not call me right away but emails would be ok.) Telling people over and over is exhausting and I so I delegated that as much as possible.

    I think it's also easy to get bogged down in this part of it as a distraction from the really important bit - you have cancer. It's going to cause a lot of changes, many of which you just won't be able to control. It's ok to just think of yourself and what is best for you and be selfish now & think of your needs.

    best wishes


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NayaBean
    NayaBean Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2021

    Thank you, moth. I definitely see the appeal of keeping everyone in the loop from the get-go, and also the potential pitfalls of not having everyone on the same page at the same time.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited May 2021

    I'm another one who thinks it's easier to warn people that "Oh, it looks like there's a problem" and then share a little more as the tests are done, so they get the news gradually and it's not like the shock of zero to cancer in 5 seconds.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Beaverntx
    Beaverntx Member Posts: 3,183
    edited May 2021

    When I was diagnosed I basically had to let a lot of people know because I had filled the post biopsy wait time with things involving others. Found my biopsy report on my portal on Wednesday evening and immediately resigned from a board position that required too much travel, cancelled hosting a neighborhood ladies get together for Thursday and saw PCP that morning, cancelled Friday brunch for a small group from church and met with BS, made it through the weekend and cancelled a neighborhood party for Tuesday evening which was a good thing because I ended up having surgery that day. I know things do not move that quickly for everyone but things just fell into place for me!


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • NayaBean
    NayaBean Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2021

    I thought about "the shock of zero to cancer in 5 seconds" and went ahead and told my daughter yesterday. She definitely flinched at the word "cancer," but took it all pretty well. She is my rock. (Also, I wish there were another word that doesn't throw people the way "cancer" does, but I haven't figured out a way to tell someone without using that word!)

    Still have to tell my son, but he lives in another state. I feel I should tell him in person, so I might have to make a quick trip there, if I can. (At least it is a short flight -- maybe an hour and a half.)

    Thanks again for all the advice here. I am so glad I found this community.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • DelightfulJade
    DelightfulJade Member Posts: 24
    edited June 2021

    I'm new here but I could have written your post. I'm also bi rads 5 and have to wait a few weeks for biopsies. I have the same situation but have 3 adult children, one of whom has mental health issues. She is the one who spends more time with me and is also very emotionally dependent on me.

    I have decided not to tell any of my children anything until I have some concrete information. I've confided in my two best friends but feel that it would be an unfair burden to put on my children because the unknown can take them down the same rabbit holes I've been in. I would rather have the information and a plan so I can set the tone in a morepositive way when I tell them.

    This is so unbelievably difficult in so many ways. I hope you are able to come to a decision that works best for you.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories