My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Mel, none of us here are probably qualified to advise properly on your DS....although some of us may have our own family and professional experience. This is a decision for you and your family. If living is intolerable then changes must be made, even small ones and we ALL have choices. Respect is key though...any behaviour which is continuously and knowingly disrespectful IMO needs to be addressed and sometimes that means making hard decisions.

If you feel you’ve tried everything and moving him out is out of the question just now- My personal instinct ( and I know many won’t agree so please don’t shoot me down too much) would be to speak with DH and both very calmly inform DS just in passing at a quiet time, NOT in a confrontation, that you love him and want him in your home but you’ll bag and bin/ burn all of his stinking laundry, as that’s the main issue, if not sorted in a couple of days and that you’ll continue to do that until he keeps his space clean.

And then carry that out. NEVER threaten what you wouldn’t be prepared to carry out!

He’ll probably go ‘Tonto’ the first time and as long as you can be confident he’s not violent you can put up with some shouting and banging doors etc. Remember it’s only stuff - You might want to quietly replace some of his basics in his space, just to tide him over so he knows you care but that way he’ll need to spend his money on replacing his clothes every time you carry that threat out, until he gets the message that you mean it. Might take a couple of goes and if too risky for you safety don’t do it!

Promise I won’t interfere again, just my thoughts.

Mel- All the best to you and your family. And pocket duty for your scan tomorrow.

I have had a rough mental health day. I don't know why really. It was sunny and in the 60's today. I had my windows open for fresh air. I just felt "defeated". Same stuff- loss of career, finances a worry. I have thought about some stuff I could look into to do-- volunteer wise. But then I don't feel really great to be too busy. I slept ok last night, but tired today. And tired most days. Icky feeling. I just cannot be as busy as I used to. I cannot see myself doing all I used to do. Then I think why try. Be at home with your cat and your comfy house and a good book and just be happy with that. Like I said before, in the winter when the weather is cold, I feel others are hunkered down too. But now that spring is in the air, I know people are out and about and it makes me feel lonelier. I know, I had the Covid shot. Go out and about. And you all have given good suggestions for hobbies or things I could do. I just do not have the desire. I think I am depressed. But I do not want to pop another pill (antidepressant). I don't know.

I hope tomorrow is better for me.

Micmel - I am wishing you good vibes for tomorrow for your scans that they are good and that your fall injury shows to be healing well.

Candy - I am sorry. It is hard. I hope that you can figure out something rewarding that will work for you. I know that right now I am lucky in many ways. I am still able to do my job but I worry about for how long. For me, I will be glad to see winter go. That really cold snap we had a few weeks ago made me hurt in lots of places that don't normally hurt. I am sure it is arthritis but it doesn't matter, the livestock have to be taken care of so sitting in the warm house is not an option. March is always a really windy month and a month where we can get really bad blizzards so I am hoping for a quiet March.

Mel, we are all with you for your scans tomorrow.

Candy, Sending cyberhugs your way to build you up. You may not be able to do all you did before, but you will find your niche as COVID things relax a bit.

Mel,

I have no advice to offer since I don’t have kids, but I will pray for God to show you a solution. It sounds easy to say just throw him out, but you love him and want the best for him. There are no easy solutions. I am also in your pocket today. Think positive thoughts, my friend.

Good for you Candy, betting even the behind the scenes will be very helpful just to run into people to talk to in person.

I am doing something different for myself exercise wise, though I cannot really stand long walks on the treadmill, I find 15 minutes is good to get me pumped up and not bored. I have also had two tiny servings of beans in between walks to help rev up my metabolism a bit. Think this could be a manageable morning routine for me, give me some energy to want to do more without it being a struggle to get motivated. It is tough to find motivation, even for me.

I am glad for the people getting their shot, it is good to hear for sure.

It was an interesting morning. I arrived at the “old" hospital at 830 on time. And had my port accessed everything great moving along nicely. So I go to radiology, she looks at me and says you're scheduled in the “new" hospital. I was like why would I get my port done ten minutes away from my scan. It wouldn't be safe to leave and travel with an open port. So the tech was sweet enough to fit me in even though thursdays are heart scan days. They takes lots longer. So I waited and had it done. So now I wait. Thanks for all who showed for pocket duty! Much appreciated! I'm tired tonight. The building of my anxiety wore me out. I hope you're all ok. Thanks again for caring.

I'm scheduled for petscan in April and I'm having my port accessed at the hospital 20 minutes away then going back after to have it locked again after, I'd rather do that than have them searching for non existing veins. Glad you got it sorted anyway, try not to stress too much, it doesn't chang the outcome and just makes us feel bad, that's what I've found anyway, although I realise it's a lot easier said than done.

I don't have a port in, but I didn't realize all of these complications of the port. I mean, I guess once you get it done you get used to it. And yes, it's a pain for them to access my overused veins. But all of this access stuff, etc., freaks me out. I guess you get used to it.

Anyway, Mel, happy that you were able to get your situation worked out, and that tech was an angel to fit you in. Hope you get your results soon, and that they are good.

Mel- When do you get results/see MO?

I have a Port. We access it monthly for flushes, that is it. I have good arm veins (right arm only), so we use arm for blood draws and scan dyes. I wish I could have Port taken out (been in over 3 years now), but I think they want to keep it in if doing ok. In case I need IV treatment. This week when I went in for flush, it would not draw blood (nothing new) so I had the clot buster instilled. Not the first time.

BevJen- You get used to it. But I do think it is an unnecessary pain, for me anyway.

No real issues for me either. Would far rather have it used for drugs than my sad vein on the left arm. Right arm would be good for needles but I will not allow it due to fear of lymphadema. I had to have TVA put in recently due to no blood return on it and it worked well from there.

Hoping to hear results from Mel soon as well.

Having trouble getting motivated to do anything much today. Just too lazy I think.

Mel, it sounds like you're having a crap time of it. Let me slide in beside you on the sofa and offer a hug and pat on the hand and to say I have been exactly where you are with DS (mine was DD). Please forgive the following advise and discard as needed. I'm pretty sure I've said this before, so I apologize in advance. 

When life at home became a constant war zone, when I learned that the taste of blood in my mouth was from me biting my tongue, staying quiet, tip toeing around to keep the peace, to avoid that unreasonable, ignorant violent backlash from someone who was an ADULT at the time .... I one day realized that she was not the problem. I was. 

It was my mother's heart that was the traitor. It was my inner dialogue that kept the ball of misery bouncing in the air. It said things like "If she moves out all her money will go to living expenses and how will she ever save to go to school or buy her own house one day? She will feel lonely and vulnerable, like no one loves her, like we don't care about her. Bad things could happen to her! If only she'd smarten up and clean up a little and learn how not to swear at me and be an asshole, then I'd be happy to have her here..."  There was an endless list of why my precious baby was not responsible for her actions, why she should not have to feel the consequences of her behaviour, why I should be the one to smooth the water and make things better so she could continue to live at home and be an immature asshole. I was the problem.

I had to ask myself, do I respect my kid? I know that I want her to respect me (obviously does not) but do I respect her? And I realized in that tolerating, without consequence, everything that I found intolerable, I was disrespecting her in every way I could. Because to respect her meant I would step back and let her actions, her choices, hit her full on in the face. No mommy filter there to save and protect her. We offered  her a good home and care and support and food and everything else and all that was asked was that she be a considerate adult in this space. We got a screaming, door slamming, dirty, unhelpful, miserable dickwad. Her choice. She's free to make it. She's free to feel the result. And the result was GET THE HELL OUT!! Not because I hated  her but because I respect her enough to let her deal with her own shit. The shit she made. Of her own free will. When other options had been offered to her. Live at home if you can be civil and helpful - she chose to decline that offer. I had to quit feeling bad, had to quit worrying about her feelings and finances. As for pandemics, your son is not in an age group that is at risk. He's at more risk every time he gets in his car!! So, I'd not give it a 2nd thought. He's obviously not worried about it! If he was he'd know that he was facing eviction if he didn't smarten up, but he's not smartening up, is he? If he's not worried, RESPECT THAT and let the boy go. But doing this starts not with what you say or do, but by giving yourself permission to open the door and hurl him out (metaphorically). Start by bringing home lots of empty boxes and telling him it's in his best interest to start packing now so when he finds that rental he can snap it up and move right in. Be happy. Be positive. Be helpful, but start packing for him if he doesn't for himself. Write recipes on recipe cards and tell him, lovingly "Hey son, I'm tucking this recipe for hotdogs (boil water, insert hotdog) in your box so you know how to feed yourself. Tomorrow I will get you some pots and pans from the thrift store."  Smile. Hug him. Tell him you love him. KEEP PACKING HIS SHIT!  If you have settled, in your heart, that his life is in peril for being an adult male still living with his mom playing XBoxx.... then you will know that what you're doing , kicking him out, is the biggest gift you can give him. The gift of growing the hell up. It's so bloody hard to do that it isn't funny. But when you let go of the worry and the guilt ... you will free both of you. I decided that I did not want those negative feelings towards my own kid and to fix that, to start liking her again, to find a way for us to be okay with each other, she had to go. And I had to make that possible by being ready in my own heart. 

Hugs - this whole thing sucks. And I apologize for my outburst of advice. I'm bad for that. 

do you guys know the phrase "pass the bean dip"? We used it a lot in another community (online & IRL) when we hear something and disagree but just want to move on & change the topic. Pass the bean dip.

I'm constantly passing the bean dip