MBC and dating/new relationships

Hi Anotherone,

I completely understand your sentiments on this topic.

I feel like there is NO way any man (or woman) would want to be in a serious and intimate relationship with me.

I get hit on a lot because I am very friendly and open and am told have a "warmth" about me. So I have no trouble getting dates.

HOWEVER I do not have the libido that I used to. This is totally ramped down with the combo of the lupron, letrozole and now lexapro. The 3 deadly libido L's! HA!

I hope this isn't too much TMI but I did have sex with someone a couple weekends ago. And afterwards, he told me that he was once in love with me, but no longer is. That I missed my chance when we first got together 5 years ago and then I rejected him. This is true. However, his timing felt shitty. It WAS shitty! I am currently not speaking to him because I am pissed off.

Oddly, there are a couple men that know about my diagnosis and still want to date! One of them is one of exercise trainers. I am surprised that he is into me. Maybe he seems some strength and resiliency. He does say quite a lot, "We can be gone in a flash! Let's enjoy now." I can really appreciate this, so so so very much.

Dating sites are too uncomfortable for me. I tried since my diagnosis but it felt too hard. I met someone on a dating site and thought it was going so well. I decided to disclose my health stuff on our 5th date. The bizarre thing was that, right before I disclosed...HE disclosed that he was looking to meet an American woman so he could become a US citizen. He was Turkish. THAT was his m.o.!!! I was already on track to share my big story and couldn't stop the train from continuing along the tracks and it came tumbling out. He very quickly rejected me and acted as if I had Ebola or something incredibly infectious. It was HORRIBLE! I cried because I was so pissed! Mostly pissed at myself for not "seeing the signs" and not being able to stop and reject him first because he was on the hunt!

Dating is hard MBC or no MBC. My bff is looking to have a mastectomy this winter because she was recently diagnosed with DCIS. She is dating (online) and is very anxious to share this news with guys she is meeting. She feels like, "who would want to deal with this???" I get it!

I guess I would say that there are people out there who are comfortable with cancer. There are people out there that are incredibly uncomfortable with it.

I don't foresee myself getting married anytime soon and my ability to procreate was taken from me with this disease.

It is one big WTF situation.

I simply try to accept and embrance love and affection when it is available. I do get pissed off about it all.

I’m in the same boat, ladies. I don’t even remember the last time I was out on a date. I totally feel like damaged goods. I think it’s going to be tough to find someone who is ok with dating someone with a terminal disease. With everything, I have a desire to have a relationship but I seriously lack the motivation.

I can’t help but think of down the road, I’ll likely end up in a home because there is no spouse or family to take care of me when I can’t do it. Super crappy but it is what it is.

Funny, I was talking about dating in general with meetup peeps last night. I’m 54, the other ladies were slightly younger than me but all had difficulty finding a date. I had a real hang up about cancer at first but a bit after a year with this diagnosis I went online. I met one guy but we didn’t pursue anything because I was called interstate for my parent. Then I met a guy who was morbidly +++ obese, we were both doing low carb and he lived near a lovely beach, which I would have enjoyed hanging out at. I’m on disability here in Oz, and that has always been difficult explaining why I don’t work. Anyway on second date he was trying to guess what was wrong with me and said “well it’s not cancer” and I said yes. I told him and we discussed it, he wasn’t put off. On third date I told him I wasn’t looking for someone to take care of me, I would break it off if it got to that point. He was surprised and said what if a guy wanted to look after you? I said no, I don’t want that. Anyway we didn’t go out again but I was always surprised and pleased at his reaction. Later I had a mastectomy and radiotherapy, no recon. Ive had sex a few times with an old “friends with benefits” and didnt feel uncomfortable at all, despite the mess my chest is! He obviously saw it but just concentrated on the remaining breast.

I haven’t dated since but I’ve just decided that I’m comfortable with my chest and if a bloke I’m interested in isn’t then that is his problem, we aren’t a match. As had been said, most men have their own health problems when they reach middle age, if they’re not mature enough to accept my health problems I’m not interested in them! Before cancer I did go out with a younger guy who had prostate cancer who was upfront about it the first time we spoke. He couldn’t get an erection despite taking medication and my personal attention. I think that’s a much bigger problem than what we face. And yes, I’m post menopausal on an AI so I am very tender and intercourse is painful, but there are other activities that are certainly pleasurable 😉.

Bella, I admire your courage. People always comment about how strong and courageous I'm, working full time, taking care of things, being able ,most of the time, not to continuously focus on my diagnosis. The one area that I'm a real chicken is dating. First cancer diagnosis made me feel more insecure, even though I had only a lumpectomy, my hair never grew up full again, is very thin and you can see my scalp. But still I continued dating after that. This time after mbc I'm not sure I could handle rejection anymore. I also never loved the idea of just dating, I always really wanted to be in a committed relationship. Reading yours and anotherone words I'm thinking that maybe I need to try to get out of the "dream" of a long term relationship and at least date. By the way, I'm also 54 y/o

Anotherone, thank you for caring. It is a hard subject for me. After I separated from my husband (before BC). I felt confident and excited about dating, it came easy, I wish I could feel like that now. Today it feels like a chore. I'm not lonely, at work I'm with people all day and two of my kids are still living at home. I just miss the male presence. I may try to go back online and see if I dare to take the next step. Live as long as I'm alive

ah?

I appreciate everyone sharing their feelings and thoughts. It's giving me courage and motivation!

Philly found a companionable and accepting guy who she likes to spend time with - there is hope! Also wanted to say that I feel her warm personality coming through even in her forum posts. So whoever told you that, I agree!

No life definitely is not over. I don't relish the thought of not living fully in whatever time I have...living one day at a time never made as much sense as it does now.

I have found a lot of comfort and courage in Stephen Jay Gould's essay "The median is not the message". And this quote from it may apply to this topic:

"It has become, in my view, a bit too trendy to regard the acceptance of death as something tantamount to intrinsic dignity. Of course I agree with the preacher of Ecclesiastes that there is a time to love and a time to die - and when my skein runs out I hope to face the end calmly and in my own way. For most situations, however, I prefer the more martial view that death is the ultimate enemy - and I find nothing reproachable in those who rage mightily against the dying of the light."

A time to love and a time to die. We ain't dead yet ladies!

I just read through this thread and honestly, had forgotten I had posted on it a year ago. Not sure if I just didn’t want to admit it or if it’s truly how I felt at the time, but I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to become involved in a relationship. Sure, the companionship would be nice, but with all of the drugs they have me on, I have absolutely no desire and actually a disdain towards intimacy. I guess I’m alone in that feeling, and that’s ok. I’m doing fine now and if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t expect MBC by looking at me. Just trying to get through the everyday of MBC is exhausting enough. I can’t even imagine putting the stress of a relationship on top of it. All my best to those of you looking; I think I’ll sit this one out and stay single