Work colleague tells client about my cancer against my wishes
Comments
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At best she is insensitive and a gossip. At worst, she is using your situation for the attention it brings her, or she is trying to sabotage you, with a smile on her face.
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Ditto, Beesie!
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In defense of us tell the world types... I didn’t exactly tell the world but I was completely honest with everyone at work. In doing so, I also made it plain that should anyone have any questions about my health, they were to ask me directly. This accomplished two things. First, I set the tone that bc happens and doesn’t need to be spoken of in furtive tones. There were no rumors or gossip either as I controlled the narrative. Second, I have been able to provide support to several fellow staff members and parents who themselves had been dx’ed with bc. I am happy that I can do this. I understand that not everyone is comfortable with this, but it worked well in my school community. I think the most important part was that my openness shut down the rumor/gossip mill.
Whatever one chooses, no one else should violate that choice.
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I think everyone needs to remember that mitziandbubba is self-employed. This is very different work environment than having a manager and/or co-workers and the working with the same people every day. She has clients who pay for her services, and her livelihood depends on ensuring that her clients have full confidence that she will be able to do the job fully and effectively and within timelines. Clients would be inclined to go to a different supplier if they have any concern at all that mitziandbubba might not be able to deliver to their requirements because of illness or treatments. So it's not a question of setting expectations, but more a question of not doing anything to rock the boat or raise any concerns. That's a very different working relationship than what's being mentioned here and personally I absolutely would have handled her situation as mitziandbubba did, i.e. not telling her clients.
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Thanks Beesie. This describes my situation perfectly. I actually did tell some of my clients - the ones who needed to know or I was close with on a personal level. They were all very understanding save one who blurted out "What does this mean for me? What if you can't work, what am I going to do?" That person is no longer my client and good riddance. She was a horrible client to begin with, but I did not want to risk losing good clients. Or to have people worry.
My clients are all over the world and they do not see me very often. So there is no way for them to see that I was basically the same as ever during treatment. It was also a matter of worrying people. There are friends who don't know either b/c I didn't want them to freak out.
Exbrnxgirl - I am totally in favor of telling the world! I think telling people and having support is great! I feel like maybe if I worked in an office, with co-workers, I might have liked that. I can't say for sure.
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Can't believe she is STILL talking about your cancer. Drop her quick. Only communicate about your projects. If she asks how you are doing, "fine". If she tries to get more info, "let's talk about our work". Never recommend her again. Zen out and forget her.
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Oh, tell her you've got so much work right now that that is all you can concentrate on. Might drive her crazy.
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And tell her you don't want her talking about ANY of your business at ANY time with ANYONE!!! Not what you had for breakfast, not what book you happen to be reading, not who your other clients are. NOTHING - past, present or future.
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@nopink yes I know. I finished with cancer treatment in August! My breast cancer is quite literally last year's news! Why are we still even talking about it? I mean, the Oscars just happened! Plenty to talk about!
@MinusTwo I don't know if that is going to help since this is the second time she shared about my diagnosis when I specifically asked that she not - the first time was with a mutual friend who I was specifically not wanting to tell b/c I knew she'd freak out and I'd be trying to cheer her up. Which was exactly how things went. I let that one go b/c it was at the very beginning of my journey and I honestly didn't have the energy to be bad. Well I have all of my energy back now! Plus to do something like that a second time! It makes me feel like my feelings don't matter.
I just think she has a big mouth! I don't think I can change it. But I can change what I share in future with her. Lesson learned.
Unfortunately I have been feeling really very down because of it. This situation took the wind out of my sails big time. I really felt so happy last week before it happened. It also really hurt to be told that I look terrible! I keep looking at myself in the mirror and I think I look so cute with my new haircut and hair color! I gave myself a little makeover last month.
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DO NOT let her define how you look!! This gal is truly a piece of work!! One way of looking at this is being so grateful you are not her. She is mean spirited and from the things you have said, it sounds like good ol’ narcissism at work......and if it is, you are wasting your time and energy by talking with her about anything but work. They can be vicious, so tread lightly. Talk about work projects as you need to but you are wise to share no info you don’t want repeated. Try to focus on being indifferent towards her and remember the more we push against something, the more we add to it. I know, easier said than done.
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Yogatyme thanks! One thing about cancer is that it has shown me a lot about others and the way I let people treat me. I can't believe I actually let her make me feel bad about how I look on top of everything. I do feel like she is a mean spirited person and this is not the first time I have seen this side of her.
I notice that I am really super impacted by what others say and think and this is something I need to work on - cancer or no cancer.
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Yes, cancer has a way of putting the spotlight on both us and those we interact with. Also gives us some insight into our own patterns.
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I am returning to this thread b/c I am still upset and I have some more insight into why. myself and have clients all over the world.
What makes me more mad that the fact that she shared my news against my wishes was the whole "it's time for you to share and be proud!" I hate being told how I am supposed to deal with my life after cancer by people who know nothing. And they are freaking everywhere aren't they?
I hate the cancer warrior stereotype and anytime that kind of rhetoric comes up I can't contain my anger. I am hardly a warrior. My treatment took four months start to finish and I suspect it could have moved even faster if I had not had some issues early on. I hate to say this but it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I expected. I went to doctors and went through what was in comparison to others, an easy treatment path. Virtually as easy as it gets for breast cancer. And I sailed through the whole thing. The worst side effect I had was elbow pain that I actually think was caused by overdoing it at the gym vs surgery or radiation. I don't even have any skin side effects from the radiation. My scars are fading quickly.
Yet I am not a happy, smiling positive cancer patient. Cancer was not a gift, I am not "proud" of anything. I am not grateful to be alive. I am supposed to be alive because I'm only 49 years old and that is too young for anyone to die. -
Also a few years ago, my childhood best friend died of pancreatic cancer. It took a few months only and I did not get to say goodbye. I hate the warrior thing b/c my friend did not die b/c she wasn't "strong". She was one tough woman.
Incidentally, someone told me I got breast cancer b/c I didn't properly grieve the loss of this friend. I didn't slap her - I don't know how!
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mitzi - OMG - you really didn't slap her? Or even spit in her face? Grief causes cancer? That's a novel approach. And BTW - I didn't cause my damn cancer and you didn't cause yours.
I get you. I don't like the warrior image either. I don't like the 'survivor' boasting. I'm not a smiling happy camper. I got through it. Then I got through it again when I had a recurrence. Not fun, but it had to be done. I wish it hadn't happened. I wish I could know which of my aches & pains are from the gym or my age and not cancer "benefits". But I don't & can't so...
Each of us has to come to grips with what we had & what happened & what we have now. And each of us should have the privacy to figure that out on our own. So sorry this work friend dumped all your info out there. Hope it doesn't cause too many ongoing problems with customer relationships.
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I knew that people get blamed for their cancer and so decided if anyone said that to me I would respond with, “that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a very long time”. Thus far, haven’t had to say it but won’t hesitate.
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Minus - when my friend said that I was super upset b/c she knew how long it took to get past the lost of my childhood friend. It took about two years before I stopped crying when I thought of her. Heck, I sometimes hear a song she loved on the radio and I get choked up still.
Also re work - if any clients have problems my having cancer, they are not exactly clients worth having are they? I have enough work that I can afford to lose a jerk or two but so far, all nice clients and no issues.
I had a lot of people say dumb/silly things in the beginning. Two different people said I got breast cancer in my left breast b/c my heart chakra was damaged. One of them consulted a shaman about me! I kind of laughed that off b/c I'm a bit into metaphysical things but that just seemed silly. Plus, I get actually have a friend who balances my chakras periodically and my heart chakra wasn't a problem. LOL.
Yogatyme - my plan if someone asks me how I think I got cancer is to say "Oh that's easy. I've decided it's your fault!"
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Mitzi, that is hilarious!!
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mitzi, this is a fascinating thread. I can appreciate your position of being appalled and angry by your colleague’s betrayal. From the outside looking in, it seems your only course of action is distancing yourself as you stop referring clients and wrap up any joint projects.
Don’t beat yourself up regarding who you should have/could have told. We tell who we need to or want to. I work for a large company and regularly with a variety of folks throughout. Fewer than 6 knew of my diagnosis early on. I was in a meeting with a woman i hadn’t worked with in a couple of years and she spent five minutes exclaiming over my cute haircut. I never told her it was a wig. When I posted the link to my husband’s obituary on Facebook, an acquaintance expressed her condolences and shock as she didn’t know he’d been ill. I considered that a victory since I hadn’t seen her in five years.
There is not typical cancer patient look anymore. And we all handle treatment differently. Radiation was far worse for me than chemo and like you I worked full time through it all. And like you, I’m moving past the cancer patient thing. I’m not a victim or a warrior or hero. I’m simply a woman who got sick. It’s different from getting the flu but honestly, it is not my defining moment.
As much as you can, distance yourself from your colleague and use your husband as a sounding board. all the -
Runcrb, thank you. I really needed to read this. You are right, there really is no cookie cutter look or way we go through treatment. I mean, I basically got a tan from radiation and its gone now. My doctors can't believe it. But my surgery - ugh. I only had a lumpectomy but the SNB was a separate surgery and through the same incision (my tumor was in my axilla - very rare!) and I could barely straighten my arm.
It's funny but your comparison w the flu really resonates with me. I finished treatment in August and I got the world's worst virus/flu like thing in October. I was sick for an entire month as was my husband. I kept thinking that it knocked me out way worse than cancer ever did and how odd that is.
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Also, I forgive my colleague but I'm definitely not going to trust her!
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Mitzi - Yes, I lost my BFF to pancreatic cancer in 2005. Seems impossible she's been gone almost 15 years and I still think about at least once a day. I was please to use her wonderful oncologist when I got BC, but it was nothing to do with my disease. I like the comparison to the flu - or maybe measles & mumps.
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I'm in a FB kidney cancer group. I noticed today that one of the newer members is greeting people with "Hello, Warrior!" So far I've kept my mouth shut, but it's HARD. Most of us showed up at the hospital, had a kidney (or a part of it) yanked out, and then get regular scans. It's even less pro-active than minimal breast cancer treatment (although living with one or a partial kidney has more daily health issues than living with partial or missing breasts).
But if someone wants to call my friend Vxxx who is on her 8th chemo for ovarian cancer in as many years, with strokes and multiple surgeries and other body damage, a warrior, she certainly is. Or my friend Dxxx, who died last year after just a few years of cervical cancer, but tried all kinds of chemo and experimental treatments to hang onto the life she loved, certainly was.
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Minus, I am very sorry about the loss of your friend. My friend was very into New Wave 80s music and if I hear something by one of those bands I get sad every time. Our mutual friend who was closer with her in adulthood than I was will sometimes text me to say she heard Tears for Fears or Duran Duran and started crying.
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Alice, I definitely think that the term Warrior does apply to many people. And hey, if I thought of myself that way, despite what relatively little I went through, I think it would be fine also but I don't. For me the mental side of things has been the hardest.
I feel that much is expected of cancer survivors - it is like I have a new job thrust upon me which is to make things okay for other people and I resent it. What's worse, nor do I see how I am particularly inspirational but people just want me to be b/c that's the cancer survivor shtick. Oh and I HATE HATE HATE the word survivor also btw - is the guy in my town who had four open heart surgeries a survivor? Hell yes and way more so than I am! But no one calls him that!
Although I am headed to my first session of LIVESTRONG at the Y so I'd better get used to the survivor thing.
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@Mitziandbub, I read your posts and I can relate to your pain. I didn’t want to be defined as either a warrior or a brave survivor. I just wanted to put cancer behind me and forget it. Your “friend” was no friend. You should forgive her and then forget her and move on. Just my humble opinion. I did not want people to feel sorry for me, but I didn’t keep it a secret either. That’s the crazy thing about cancer. It’s very personal to each of us and we are all different. There is no wrong or right way to react, but she hurt you so that is on her Not you. I’m so glad you were able to stay healthy! 😀 Hope your business grows even more successful! Rita
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mitziandbubba
I like to say I'm a hip replacement survivor when someone calls me a cancer survivor. That was much more painful and the rehab was really rough!
I just remembered that my sister called a cousin I don't like and told him I was dying when I had kidney cancer. I was furious, because he called to check on me and I'd rather not talk to him. I was even more furious because it wasn't her (mis)information to share. But for some reason, I didn't mind my husband telling his family and co-workers about my health adventures that year. I guess I figured he'd earned the right by sticking to my side during it all. And as it turned out, his co-workers, who I don't even know, were the only people who sent me flowers. People are freakin' weird and unpredictable.
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Add me to the list of those who dislike the words "Warrior" and "Survivor", as least as applied to me with regards to my breast cancer.
The way I see it, the risk of mortality from my breast cancer is low and not something that I have had to seriously face as I went through treatment, other than during that period of unknown while waiting for pathology and test results. I did have one mets scare a few years back - an incidental finding from a breast MRI of a spot on my spine which was cleared up within a couple of weeks after a more detailed review by a spinal specialist who assessed to be nothing of concern. Like everyone, I get those occasional aches and pains that have me thinking "mets" (what is that hip pain.... right, probably overdoing the treadmill) but I also get occasional heartburn and other aches and pains that have me wondering about other possibly serious health conditions (welcome to getting older!). Up to this point I don't feel with breast cancer that I have "survived" anything; I hope that continues into the future although I understand the risk. Of course going through the diagnostic process and treatment is at times scary and sometimes painful, but I didn't come out of it thinking "thank goodness I survived that!". I trudged through it and did what I needed to do; I wasn't a warrior. Personally I feel that using the words "survivor" and "warrior" for myself is inappropriate, particularly in light of the way that others with cancer (breast or other cancers) are really put through the ringer for an extended period of time. So I certainly think the words "survivor" and "warrior" apply to others, but they don't represent my experience.
If someone were to use those words to describe me, I would quickly correct them and explain that they don't apply. But as I've said on this board several times, there are other experiences in my life where I do feel more like a "survivor" because my grip on life as I was going through those experiences was much more tenuous.
mitziandbubba, do you have any work with this individual now or planned, or are you in a position to leave her behind you?
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Snazzyiron - thank you for your nice post! BTW, are you a lifter? Me also! Although my upper body stuff is not what it used to be of course.
Alice - Amen to people being weird and unpredictable! What comes out of people's mouths in regards to cancer is shocking.
Beesie - I feel very similarly. My journey wasn't especially hard compared to what I expected. The aftermath is hard. But I'm definitely not a warrior and there was no question of my survival. I just came from the gym and saw a man I see there frequently - I notice him b/c he's quite cute. This man has prosthetic legs and today I saw him wearing a sleeve on his arm. He works out like a beast, I'm in awe of him. THAT is a warrior.
I haven't been in contact w my friend for weeks. I told her I will decide when I feel like talking. I do have two clients in common and will likely have a third but we don't need to talk most of the time b/c we do very different work. The work relationship will need to continue - the friendship is on ice. I'm not so keen on referring anyone but I don't.
I'm not a warrior. I'm a chick with very early stage, treatable cancer that likes the gym, eats reasonably well, and was pretty fit going into treatment. It helped me.
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Mitziandbub, Hi again, No, I am not a lifter, though I admire people who can. Right now I can’t lift my arm enough to put on my coat but I had a MRI today to find out what that is all about. Snazzyiron was my horse’s name so I use that name a lot. Lol I hope to be able to get full strength back. I used to be very strong. Anyway, I really enjoy these posts on this site because I feel we are able to help each other in our unique sisterhood. Not warriors, not survivors, just human beings, trying to live our best lives.🌺 Rita
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