Newly diagnosed and feeling overwhelmed

Hi ladies,

First, thank you for the comfort, it was much appreciated. My call with mom went surprisingly well - she and dad were both on the phone, but she has also spent 35 years going through various surgeries (back, feet, knees, hands, etc) with him. He just got his last one (carpal tunnel) and I felt bad dropping this on her now, even though there is nothing she can really do. I did ask that she tell my sister so she is aware of increased risk now - sister works for GE Healthcare so knows all about the machines and everything and can explain to mom too.

Re: back injury - my chiropractor here has been wonderful (once I found him! First had a PT that made it far far worse) and at yesterdays adjustment he must have been able to finally spring everything back into place because I'm feeling great with minimal pain. He said next week we start strengthening exercises, but to continue short walks. I'm all-or-nothing sort of exercise person, but I think I can get back to more substantial workouts in a few weeks. Not a jogger but a swimmer, so that's good!

For Rebz - Im currently at Homerton University Hospital (up in Hackney), but since we live way down in Wapping, I wonder if we aren't on the border of another Trust and if I lived two streets over I would be caught in a different one (not to mention the MUCH better GP surgery. I just hate mine). Its a good 45 minutes to get up there with two trains and a bus and while its fine its just... depressing, loud, and crowded. I did note the Royal Marsden as an option (10 minute walk to Tube then straight shot 15 minutes to South Ken) - can I ask to switch hospitals on the NHS? I guess I thought I could only do that with private insurance (which will pay for that hospital too). We are also probably going to move house that direction later in the year for various reasons, which will make Homerton even more inconvenient. But for this I dont want 'it'll do' I want The Best. And if The Best is actually closer then why not go for that?

So getting a bit more to grips with everything here and I feel like I've been reading this forum non stop for three days!

CT scan was fine on Saturday even if it was a few hours up there, and I felt well enough to go out to not one but two shows that evening. Sitting in that hallway Friday was a blessing in disguise as if partner hadn't been bored he wouldnt have religiously refreshed Facebook and seen a surprise concert announcement for the next night. So that was nice and my back held up well.

I get why they say now that the tests and waiting for the official diagnosis is the hardest part. Ive got MRIs this Thursday and at some point I have to go to a different hospital for bone scan because they don't have the machine. And some more biopsies I think. I have a call with my (terrible) GP tomorrow for the referral to the Fancy Cancer Hospital (Royal Marsden) which should go right through. They did tell me that the NHS is a machine and will keep on cranking while you figure out if you want to do private or not, or switch hospitals so until I figure that out things keep going. I'll call insurance tomorrow to see if someone can explain things to me. I have short hair anyway but was due a haircut, so I will just get it cut a bit shorter than normal on Thursday. I set a meeting with a director I trust at work to break the Big News once I have clarity on treatment path at the end of the month, because someone needs to know about whats up with scheduling and project impact, etc

Slowly but surely gaining some control over all this but I may ask about antidepressants as I've been having a shit time of it this year, even before the diagnosis. And of course a bit of extra fatigue or lack of appetite and immediately I'm thinking the worst of everything but I also remind myself even if it doesn't feel stressful, it is and these are outward manifestations of that too.

For exercise I do walk every day to and from the station and work, which includes stairs, and then I do some light strengthening with bands at home. Next weekend I may try to at least get in the pool to bob around and do a few laps, just to be in the calming water.

I guess this is becoming a place to collect thoughts while I go through this waiting/testing to final diagnosis and treatment plan. MRIs this morning - I had one before for my lower back a few years ago and (this sounds weird) but I love the sounds the machine makes. So soothing - wubwubwub - but then I listen to a lot of experimental electronic music

I've been on the phone with insurance and spoke to a lovely nurse yesterday on their small breast cancer care team who assured me of everything that was going on with my policy and the options I have/how things work, etc. I spoke to GP about switching hospitals and I can't until I get my consultant and team assigned and even then its to the hospital up the road (Royal London) which... isn't very good. So more and more I think I am going to go the private route in an NHS facility. Hopefully as the major cancer center in the UK (in the event of Brexit) they will get the isotopes and drugs coming through uninterrupted (supposedly the government is going to guarantee and use the Army to fly stuff in but pfft. Look at them. I still think its going to extension anyway).

In making these calls its been a good way to practice saying 'I have cancer' without crying. This diagnosis is also really focusing the mind, I feel really light and optimistic somehow, that whatever the ultimate diagnosis, I'm ok. I'll be ok. It'll be a tough, shitty road to go, but I'll be ok and I can handle it. I was at a show last night and in looking around I thought 'wow, if I lose my hair that means I could get a cool wig to wear to shows and not look like Corporate Square!' Although frankly the shows I attend if I went bald it wouldn't be a big deal either.

And my back injury all of a sudden started feeling much much better, which means things are getting stronger. Its actually my pelvis as a joint has been locking up on the right side, but it feels like I hit a new level of muscle strengthening and can start to decrease the Ibuprofen and I didnt need to wear my SIJ belt to bed the other night. Not having that overhanging pain has helped perk up my spirits and relieved a lot of fatigue issues I was having too. Which is good because I want to do All The Things before I can't for a little while.

Just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to the other side.