"How Can I Help?" ... What do you say?
People are very kind, aren't they? Almost everyone asks, "how can I help?" I know they mean well, but I'm always at a loss for how to answer.
Here are 2 questions for you:
1) When people ask "how can I help?" what do you tell them?
2) What do you REALLY need, that you don't ask for?
Comments
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I was the odd person who had a list when people offered to help. Literally, a list! I'm a total advocate of allowing others to "bless" me during this crap-time, just like I would like to be given the opportunity to bless others during their crap time. No shame, here.
My list: Anything from the Costco ready-made department. I knew people weren't supposed to make me casseroles so I had to trust that Costco fettuccine was "safe" (I never got sick). It helped that, since my taste buds were wonky, that people gave me stuff that I wouldn't have normally bought. I didn't know what it was supposed to taste like, so it tasted fine to me. Also any frozen dinners. Or Hello Fresh. Any quick dinners.
Smoothie ingredients. I had one a day and it was easy to tell people "frozen fruit and instant breakfast".
Movie tickets. Would go once after chemo. Didn't care if I stayed for the whole movie, or it sucked. I was out of the house and in comfy chairs (with my contraband snacks for nausea). Same for tickets to soccer matches (huge Seattle Sounders fan). Yes, I was very careful being around germs, but I also work with grade school kids so I was surrounded by germs anyway - plus I was at the germ-ridden hospital weekly!
If I had smaller kids (mine was in college) I would have told people, get them from school. Let them ride the bus to your house and bring then bring them to me after you've fed them dinner.
Gas cards. We put over 6,000 miles on our car during our year with cancer. The Costco Cash card worked great for gas.
Seriously, I was the one person I know who had no shame in asking for stuff, right or wrong.
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DD, that's a great list! I also believe in asking for help, whether it's offered or not. I just haven't thought of anything specific that people could do for ME, that would help ME or my husband. Other than, please, at some point, invite him to go somewhere. It will be good for both of us!
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This was actually a list I gave a friend who said she didn't know how to help either me or another friend of hers. I told her I don't need these things, but your other friend might.
* rides -- since 2/2 I've had dozens of medical appts, including various hospital ones, dentist, eye doctor, PT. And I was out of town for 3 weeks! If there are kids or other extras, rides would be extra important.
* logistical help setting up and using accounts -- things like grocery store's online ordering, Naomi's Kitchen (a local food prep service,) MyChart for personal medical info (our local medical portal for messaging and test results, etc.,) any online forum/support for cancer survivors (like BCO,) CaringBridge, shopping accounts for headwear, etc.
* slow walk through the mall, or better yet, outdoors if possible
* extra errand -- "I'm stopping at Costco tomorrow. Can I get you anything?"
* help trying on hats and scarves, if she'll lose her hair
* extra ears for medical appointments -- all the terminology can be confusing, and it helps to have someone else there
* short visits with low expectations, when she's up to it
* pretty mug and some ginger tea
* lightweight, dangly earrings
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I asked people to come take walks with me. That's all I could think of, and I really appreciated it!
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During chemotherapy it would have been nice to have someone do my shopping for me. I used Instacart a few times but it was expensive. Also, laundry.
Gift cards for food and beverages are always appreciated.
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WC3, laundry, yes. We don't generate a huge amount in my household of 2, but it is a tiring chore. Also, stripping and remaking the bed.
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When two neighbors asked how they could help, I asked if they would consider providing dinner on chemo days, and the first day after chemo. They coordinated and have been delivering dinner ever since - it's mostly for my husband, who isn't a great cook, and is my primary caregiver - it makes his life a lot easier on those stressful days.
My work colleagues wanted to organize meal services, but i asked instead if they would provide a gift certificate for my massage therapist so I could get massages (which I find super helpful - comforting and restorative). My colleagues sent along a generous gift card, which I have put to good use!
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HolgaGirl, that's great! I think it's so helpful to have specific requests. I do believe people really want to help but don't know what's best. Thanks for sharing.
AND thanks for commenting. It looks like this is your first comment here and your first day. There is SO MUCH help here, good information and support. I wish you all the best.
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Does anyone have thoughts on Meal Train verse caringbridge?
I am recently diagnosed with triple positive breast cancer. About to start chemo Aug. 22
I am lucky to be part of a great community and I know I will need some help. I just don't know if need to share my blog (caringbridge) with everyone who may be willing to help.
I also don't know how I will know WHEN I need meals. But for the beginning I was going to ask for the night of chemo and a week after. Thoughts on this?
Meal Train is probably just for meals, as opposed to occasional rides. I think when I need stuff at the store I have enough people who I can ask, or will just ask me. I don't need that through a formal site.
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flowerkid, I don't know anything about Mealtrain but I can tell you how I used CaringBridge. My husband had cancer before me and had entered the hospital 5 days before my diagnosis for a stem cell transplant. I had set up CB as the method to keep people informed. I like that people opt in and I didn't have to remember who I had told what. I quickly referred everyone to CB and pretty much refused to give updates any other way. I used it for scheduling rides for him (after getting out of the hospital he couldn't drive but still needed to go to the transplant clinic 3-5 day a week) and for meals. A friend wanted to organize so I gave her access and would tell her when I wanted meals. After my husband's transplant all meals had to be cooked at home. People gifted us meal kits and when I traveled for work (someone needed to keep bringing home the bacon) I used CB to get someone to come to our house and cook the meal for jack. Another thing i liked about CB is that people could comment on my posts - to know people were reading and wishing us well was very supportive. I went to my appointments solo, loving that during chemo I didn't have to support anyone else since I was my husband's caregiver.
When you will want meals is really up to you and your family situation. If you cook for the family I recommend the week following chemo. And feel free to make adjustments as you go along.
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Thank you so much for your response. Quite helpful. For the first time I am going to ask for the evening if chemo x 1 week
Then as you said, will see what we want and need. My picky kids may not even eat what people bring!
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flowerkid - but you will have done your job of putting food on the table for them. Even picky kids get hungry enough to try new things
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My nice neighbors, including some I knew from a community Facebook page for years, but hadn't met in person, did a meal train for me every other day for 10 days after my first lumpectomy. It was very helpful.
A GoFundMe page helped pay for things like AmazonFresh grocery delivery that was a lifesaver during my five months of chemo and weeks of radiation. (Their produce was hit-and-miss fabulously delicious strawberries one week and lamp, sad green onions the next. Having everything come to your front door was amazing and I often relied on frozen food because of the convenience and those meals are pretty predictable compared to, say, selecting your own fresh fruits and veggies.)
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