How do you respond to stupid things people say?

Annanza-   I guess you have MBC by your post, but I don't see your profile.  Yeah people can say some strange things.  They are probably uncomfortable and don't really realize what they are saying.  Or they really mean well, but it doesn't come out right. 

One time a person I know said to me " Well none of us are getting out of this world alive".   I just stood there not knowing how to respond.  It was so out of character for this person to say something like that. I guess it is true when you think about it, but weird to say it to a person with cancer.

I am not good at quick responses---I wish I was.

Then one time a person said to me " You look like you are doing well".  My response, without really thinking, was " Looks can be deceiving".  

I am learning every day -- I am 1 1/2 years into the MBC diagnosis -- that people don't understand MBC.  Sure they know about Breast Cancer, Pink Ribbons and all that, but they don't understand that MBC is terminal.  That we are in treatment until the end.  That there is no cure.  I try to educate the people I am around.  But I don't think they want to get it, they don't want to acknowledge that it kills.  And really I don't think they CAN get it unless they are experiencing it themselves.  

Hope you get some more posts, I am interested to hear what others post also.  

Yep, we're all going to die but not all of us humans have to walk around thinking about how imminent the end might be. I probably wouldn't say this to anyone I was not very close to, though. If a co worker made a remark like that to me I might raise my eyebrows and walk away. Or you could always go snarky with “ Thank you for your concern". 😉

I strongly agree with minimizing contact with people who won't understand or who make you uncomfortable.

I got a little annoyed with my close family members, who were so supportive for the entire year during and after my diagnosis...because once I had a couple of good scans they were like “YAY you did it, you beat it you beat cancer". I just smiled but of course, I will probably never “beat it" there is no beating this one ....except by doing what I can and living the best life I can while I'm here. I can't be mad at them for being in denial, denial is how we try to protect ourselves from the hard to accept truth.

Hi Annanza,

Yes, unfortunately, people can say some unbelievably stupid things. I try to believe that they are well meaning but it can be challenging. When I was first diagnosed in 2001, a couple of ladies I knew (but was unaware of their original BC diagnoses 7 years earlier) passed away when I was halfway through aggressive chemotherapy. A friend's response? "Well, at least they got another 7 years." Uh... that's supposed to make me feel better? I told her "Gee... I was rather hoping to get more than 7 years (I was 39 at that time). Kind of changes my long term investment strategy." I have to admit that I have avoided that individual ever since although she is rather clueless in other aspects as well.

The lack of understanding regarding MBC is really quite astounding. You would think, given the number of women diagnosed with BC, that there would be a higher level of awareness of the realities of MBC. I think part of the problem is the focus on pink ribbons, "beating the disease" and, of course, the fact that the majority of women do have successful early stage treatment. There are so many of us dealing with MBC because there are SO many women diagnosed with BC in the first place. It also doesn't help that the perception of terminal cancer is someone who is skin and bones, wasting away from both the disease and the treatment. We all know that's simply not the way it works particularly with new treatments. Many of us can live quite well for several years and it's only at the end that we may "look" like cancer patients.

Interestingly, the lack of understanding is very widespread. Yesterday I saw a locum for my monthly Faslodex shot and she asked how long I would be on it. I think my regular GP asked the same question. ??? My answer is always the same - for as long as it works.

I know it's frustrating having to explain ourselves but I try to be patient. And sometimes it can lead to a good laugh. I can't remember which thread it was on but someone posted a comment which had me laughing for days. In answer to the comment that anyone can be hit by a bus a friend of hers responded.. "Yes, anyone can be hit by a bus tomorrow but with MBC it's like the bus is driving up and down our driveways." I found the image of playing chicken with a bus each day I step out of my door hilarious!

Sadieservant, I remember that comment, too! It IS like a bus driving up and down our driveway..dodging it all the time.

I wonder who posted that..it was hilarious.

A few years ago I looked up the getting hit by a bus statistic. It was something like approximately 400 people in the U.S. get hit by a bus every year. Now I don't remember if that was “get killed" by being hit by a bus. I think it was just the number of times this occurs. So, not sure how many times this accident caused death.

On the other hand, approximately 40,000 women in the U.S. die each year from breast cancer. It may be hazy math, but seems to me if you are diagnosed with advanced stage four metastatic breast cancer, you are something like 100 times more likely to die from that than getting hit by a bus. If a person were to make the comment to me comparing an mbc diagnosis to getting hit by a bus, I would toss out these numbers in an effort to shame them for making such a flippant remark.

I also wanted to mention something I read in a memoir this weekend. The book is Once More We Saw Stars written by a man whose two year old daughter and only child was killed in a random accident when a brick fell from a tall building and hit her in the head. He was discussing how his wife chose to answer the question “Do you have kids?" when asked by others. He said before answering, she would “measure the depth of the conversation". Sometimes she just said no rather than get into details. It made it easier on her. I think it's a good way to assess a situation: measuring the depth of conversation, and can be applied to discussions with others about mbc. If you sense others would not be receptive to what you have to say, it is better to not discuss the diagnosis. And we have to be aware that if we do talk about it, we have no way to predict how others will react or what they will say.

I recently had an encounter this past week where I quickly gauged the depth of conversation and answered questions accordingly.

Several months ago, I had some progression of mbc to the bones and started different treatment. I live in a small town, so the word sort of gets around quietly even if you only confide in a few people.

Last week, I attended the funeral of a neighbor then went to the luncheon afterwards and was standing in the buffet line as church members put food on our plates.

One of the church men doing the serving, who helps with practically all volunteer efforts in town, said to me, “Oh, hi. How are you doing?”

“Fine! I'm doing good!" I smiled as he put some meatballs on my plate.

He went on: “How’s your health? Are you doing alright? Because I thought I heard something maybe....." It seemed he was fishing for details.

“I'm good! Thanks for asking" I assured him, then moved on.

Now what did he think? In the middle of the church basement filled with funeral-goers, I was going to hold up the long luncheon line to give him a run down on my most recent scans, get into the spine and rib mets description, go over the Ibrance medicine and blood tests, then casually request ranch dressing on my salad? Nice of a guy as he is, I don't feel like discussing my health with him but most especially in those circumstances.

Later, I thought, “Hmm...maybe I shoulda told him not to save the left-overs for my luncheon, I'm not ready to start pushing up daisies just yet!"